Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not wanting to work?

416 replies

Cornhill · 19/11/2021 07:35

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornhill · 19/11/2021 11:04

Sorry @WinifredTheWondrous, I’m not offended at all, it’s just it would be pointless here. TA pay would mean that if I went down that road, I would be working for nothing at all: the nursery fees would cancel any earnings, so might as well be a SAHM!

I don’t mind people making suggestions but I do mind the huffy ‘you have ignored helpful advice’!

Supply teaching isn’t reliable (or particularly well paid) again it would mean working to break even or even a loss. And I would not have any pension contributions, death in service benefits, occupational maternity pay if we had another baby, etc.

OP posts:
SGChome20 · 19/11/2021 11:05

@Cornhill I could have written your post. I’m also just back after mat leave and DD is in nursery and my flexible work request was also denied. I think what gets to me even more is that I think I could do my full time job in part time hours but instead I have to be there full time and miss my DD. I am also on the look out for part time posts

Original poster
Cornhill · 19/11/2021 11:05

Believe me I know @chillicrackers - Dh is living the dream! But teaching isn’t a WFH job.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 19/11/2021 11:08

You only returned to work recently. I'd wait for the dust to settle before making any big decisions. You may get used to working as quickly as you got used to being at home

WinifredTheWondrous · 19/11/2021 11:09

I think a lot of parents have to work at a loss for the first few years, until the free hours kick in. It can be worth it in the long run, but you obviously need to know what the long run might look like in your ideal scenario.

I'm near London so nursery fees are circa £90 a day in our town! I don't earn that alone in a day, but together we earn more than that. But I know what you mean. It is a bit galling to go into work to do a stressful job, miss seeing your dcs and then not take home anything at the end of it! Childcare costs are an absolute bugger. I know it's a joint expense but unless you have a dp who agrees to and who can go pt, it doesn't feel like a joint expense as YOUR going to work seems to be the change that incurs the cost. That's why most people I know who sah decided to do it.

Tailendofsummer · 19/11/2021 11:10

@Cornhill

Yes, we don’t have the staffing in the department. Their argument (obviously it was phrased far more professionally!) is that they don’t want to recruit someone to work two / three days a week as the quality of PT applications isn’t as good (not true, but difficult to argue!)

It may be possible in the future, I was told it wasn’t a ‘forever no’ but it is a no for this year. Because of teacher resignation dates either way I am certainly stuck with it for the foreseeable future.

So let them know you will be leaving if it can't be arranged for next year. Stick out the year, and go if they can't be more flexible.
Original poster
Cornhill · 19/11/2021 11:10

Working for a loss is one thing if it’s a strategic career move but going from teacher to TA is not a strategic career move!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/11/2021 11:13

I remember working with a lady years ago who came back to work 3 months after her first baby, full time. But when she had her 2nd, she gave up work because she felt she'd missed out on too much with her first and didn't want to miss out again with her 2nd.
I don't know what happened later - I assume she eventually went back to work but I left that workplace before she returned (over a year after she'd left).

I worked after having DS1 in the UK but then emigrated when he was still a toddler, and, given the nature of my work, it was hard to start up again in Australia, so I didn't. I do work occasionally but I do a lot of volunteer work now instead. We're very lucky that DH earns enough that I don't have to work, but when DS2 is a little older, I probably will try to find a paying job, or try to set my own business up again.

TeeBee · 19/11/2021 11:13

It's not all or nothing though. I totally get what you're saying about wanting to keep your career for security. But could you take a year or so out now to enjoy your baby and throw yourself into that. And then plan to go back to work in the future knowing you've enjoyed those baby years and maybe more motivated to get your career back on track. That's what I did. Loved having my time away but after two kids I practically ran down that drive to work.

I wonder whether there are (or might be in the future) any bank staff or private tutoring roles available which you could do part time?

notanothertakeaway · 19/11/2021 11:14

I know a former teacher who now works as a TA. Although salary is lower, he says it's worth it for less responsibility, less onerous workload

But I'm very surprised you can't work PT. I thought lots of teachers were PT

WinifredTheWondrous · 19/11/2021 11:17

@Cornhill

Working for a loss is one thing if it’s a strategic career move but going from teacher to TA is not a strategic career move!
Well that sort of depends on what your strategy is!

Do you have any idea of what yours is? Do you want to continue teaching?

chillicrackers · 19/11/2021 11:18

@Cornhill I meant transfer over to something allowing you to wfh. I moved jobs completely. Teaching is something that could be put on hold or perhaps not? I left my career entirely and now am wfh in a lower paid role but I have a lot more time available as only really work 9-5:30 with the odd bit of extra hours here and there. No commute means I literally work only those hours instead of the various hours previously attached to working out the home.

I am now using the extra time to do a further qualification in my original career as my dc are now preparing for the later stages of primary school So depending on how much they need/don't need me I may return to my career. I may not. For me I was lucky that I was able to earn less via wfh and have a much nicer life than before so it was just a suggestion based on this but I have left my career, although it's one that I can go back to albeit not at the same level I'd be in if I'd stayed but I am happy with this decision even though it was terrifying when I quit my final career related job!

Mary46 · 19/11/2021 11:19

Op thats not easy. I worked in an office til 6 I hated it. He was small at the time. Its got easier over the years but I see your point. But I think Ive had enough office work now. My friend minds kids and home with her own too.

Original poster
Cornhill · 19/11/2021 11:34

@WinifredTheWondrous look, I feel like I’m having to defend a decision that would be insanity, it really would.

If I had school age children, was absolutely at the end of my tether with the additional workload and stress of teaching, and yet liked the day to day sort of interactions, being a TA might work. But none of those things are applicable. The only benefit to being a TA would be no marking. That’s it. And I would be more than halving my salary.

I would still have the commute. I would still be trapped in a school in daylight hours. I would still not get to do baby classes or swimming or go to soft play during the week when it’s quieter. And id have NO MONEY which is kind of the point …

@chillicrackers if there was something I knew of then yes possibly but I don’t know that there is. I’m not sure how much work I’d get done with Dh here anyway.

I’ve already explained a few times about the part time thing. A lot of teachers are part time but they didn’t apply for those roles. In other words, they were full time then had an application for flexible working accepted.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 19/11/2021 11:38

Is give up work tomorrow. I WFH anyway at present and there are no plans in needing to go into the office ft in the future. I'd still give it up if I could. I am disabled though so that might be a factor.

Heronwatcher · 19/11/2021 11:41

Everyone feels like this at some point! But the alternative is potentially starving to death/ living on benefits! If you want food, clothes, holidays etc I think you have to work. That’s not to say you shouldn’t take a sabbatical when your kids are really young if you both agree you can afford it, or re-train if you can and find something you enjoy more, but I don’t think this is a reason to give up completely.

BaconMassive · 19/11/2021 11:44

The capitalistic race to the bottom has really enforced families to have two earners. 30 years ago this wasn't the case. I also believe that above all else this has created much greater problems with mental health.

Blankscreen · 19/11/2021 11:45

I work every day and I absolutely hate it.

My DC are 11 and 8 and I feel similar to you

I had 4 years off and then another 3 years working 2 days a week.

Dh struggles with the amount of life admin than needs to be done outside of work I used to do it all!!

Sport not helpful but I know how you feel

TatianaBis · 19/11/2021 11:55

I don’t think 15 mins counts as a commute but aside from that I get why TA is not attractive.

Don’t if this is of any use but my mum was a head teacher until she had kids. She took some time out to do early learning with us, taught part time for OU, did a PhD (already had an MA) then became an academic. She found research and lecturing less frenetic than school teaching.

balancingfigure · 19/11/2021 11:57

I haven’t read the whole thread but I would say that working full time with a baby is the hardest part. You’re obviously not going to make a quick decision but for me it did get easier as DD got older. You feel you’re missing out on child time, baby groups etc, I lost friends because they weren’t working full time and didn’t want to meet on the weekends and it is hard. I remember sitting in DD’s room while she was sleeping as I felt I hadn’t seen her.

It gets easier, child can stay up gradually a bit later as they get older so its not such a rush.

So I’m not saying definitely stay as you are but just remember it will change a bit and reflect that in your planning

Original poster
Cornhill · 19/11/2021 11:57

I have to be up, out of the door then drive to work. It’s a commute. Yours may be longer and harder. Mine is still a commute.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 19/11/2021 12:00

Commute indicates travelling some distance - not driving 15 mins down the road.

Lovemusic33 · 19/11/2021 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/11/2021 12:05

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to work part time while your children are young, I went back full time many years ago and it was really hard.
Surely if something part time came up that would be ideal.

Lovemusic33 · 19/11/2021 12:06

Sorry wrong thread 🤣

Swipe left for the next trending thread