To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

[Fr0thandBubble]

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

Less than half of all. Or a mix of boys and girls. It would be horrible to invite the majority of girls

I could understand inviting a small group of girls (as in 5 or less), but 8 out of 12 (you included your Dd as the 13th girl) is really mean on those 4 girls who are missing out. If you invite a small group then parents could easily explain that your house may not have enough room.

Also at 5/6 yo girls and boys tend to enjoy all sorts of things and don’t see things as girls/boys activities (although at this age they notice differences between what girls and boys look like and how they dress). There are loads of famous male painters so I’m not sure why you think painting is a girly activity?

Yes it’s really mean and you’ll be hurting the feelings of the ones not invited. General rule is up to half or all. I just invited all- hire a hall if you don’t have room it’s really cheap usually about £10 an hour!

Just invite whoever you want instead of asking strangers on the Internet
The things people yap about on here is ridiculous and none of their business

Not sure why people are saying you shouldn't. Not nice to exclude just one girl but 4 is fine.

People are being a bit precious.

The OP came on here specifically to ask people for their opinions on this, Baileys123.

I work on a "half plus one" rule
(obviously not if there are 4 in question!) for whatever group of a class you're inviting.

It's really hard when your child always falls just the wrong side otherwise and spends the whole year attending no parties other than their own.

I didn't force mine to choose someone they really didn't like with the "half" but equally didn't let them draw up the list
completely in a whim depending how the playground dynamics had worked the last day or so rather than more generally.

Equally, if you invite the whole group, it's fine to shuffle the seating at tea (subtly...) so that your child sits next to their special friend.

SaltyPepper
I think you can read yourself from numerous posts on this thread that your view is an old fashioned gender stereotype.

We did a party for my daughter when she was in reception, we decided it was an all class invite or nothing.
It’s not fair to leave 4 girls out. How would you feel if your daughter was left out?

I think the max half the class (excluding your dd) or everyone is a good rule of thumb. My dd was the uninvited one usually, she's autistic and so if the mother said max 10 and there was 12 girls in the class she always was left out, but they accepted invites to her birthday previously

I’m gobsmacked also that you’re seriously questioning whether boys would enjoy a painting party?

🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you're possibly not the nicest person if you have to question whether it's mean and why a 1 boy wouldn't be into painting.

It needs to be all or none at that number.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Lol, the people who are the loudest about it on this thread hardly reflect reality. And in real life, the majority of kids gravitate toward gender groups and have friends mostly of the same gender and (until puberty) tend to have parties with the same.

But your post is a good illustration of how someone can comment into an echo chamber online and from that come out believing that most people share their view.

I agree with invite just a few or all the girls. Also that 6 to celebrate 6 is a good idea.

But then aren’t you risking leaving out one or two of a friendship group? That’s just exclusion on a smaller scale.

I know you’ll say that doesn’t matter at 6 but my daughter at that age has quite a defined friendship group - girls that play together and girls that don’t (and yes there does seem to also be a split down gender lines). It would be mean to leave one or two out from their group.

SaltyPepper

In your experience boys don’t paint? I guess they don’t bake, dance or do gymnastics either?
Your narrow outlook is mind boggling.

In what reality do boys and girls not be friends or go to one another parties?

Both my boys painted up to age 15, they went on to win art scholarships.

How much of this (gender segregation in young children) is typical child development, and how much is learned behaviour, I don't know

Its learned and it depends a lot on parenting where you live. My son is friends with lots of the girls, playdates of either sex, parties very mixed.

He is having a whole class party but when he listed names of children he wanted at his party the first 8 he listed were 4 boys and 4 girls!

Hmm.. this could be learned behaviour too, of course @DeepaBeesKit. You said yourself it's encouraged by the parents in your area. If the children weren't guided by parents in this manner, what would happen, I wonder?

I'm sure there's lots of research done in this area, haven't time to look for it right now though. It's an interesting topic.

I wpuld let your dd choose who to invite anf use this as a chance to explain that anyone who isnt invited is unlikely to invite her back and that just how these things work (explain it nicer though so its more setting a realistic expectation than a threat!)

Alternatively consider renting a village hall amd inviting the class? They aren't dear and you'll probably get fairly low attendance anyway if the activity isnt to their liking. Shame to have an early term birthday and have to navigate this stuff!

Echoing it's going to upset the 4 girls not invited. I understand your dilemma but do think it's a mean thing to do.
This happened to me when I was about 8, only me a one other girl in our class weren't invited to a party, everyone in class talked about it in school for days beforehand and for days afterwards, it was miserable and felt so left out and frankly rejected and unlikeable. Having experienced it myself I wouldnt inflict it on another child.

That's broke my heart 😥

@Dancingonmoonlight

The other (five!) girls who aren't close to the OP's daughter won't even know about it because they won't be close enough to the girl to even discuss it or even care either way.

Come back when your child first comes home first in tears at not being invited. When you attempt to make light of it and then it happens again. When you have chats about how not everybody can afford to invite everyone. Then it happens again. When you attempt to teach your child 'resilience' and not everybody can be popular and in this case its her and three others. When your child tells you that the majority of the girls are going to a party they have spoken about excitedly for the week running up to it. When they return to school on Monday telling the teacher and everyone else what a wonderful party they had. When your child tells you about the parties, sleepovers and outings the other girls are going on. Worse when she stops telling you about them. When she comes home and you find her crying by herself in her room brushing away tears trying to assure you she knows it isn't a big deal and she is trying hard to accept her fate is not being included with the majority of girls because for some reason she isn't 'liked enough'. When you find your child hitting herself in her room because she must be 'ugly' and that must be why she is left out.
Come back after six years of dealing with all the above. It never gets easier for the child. Never.

That broke my heart 😥

@IHateCoronavirus

As a teacher of young children, I have seen far too many hurt little faces, left out from selective parties. Kids this age are such little innocents, they approach life with so much excitement, parties get spoken about a lot.

Then once a few kids get stung by rejection, they realise how much power having a party has and can use it as a play for power and often as a weapon. “Do x,y,z or your not coming to my party!” “Don’t play with her, or your not coming to my party!” It becomes the bullying tactic of choice with this age group.

Not going to a party IS HURTFUL at this age. They feel it.

As such I warn my parents at the start of the year that I can only facilitate invitation giving out for class invites, if they are inviting specific kids invites must be given out sensitively away from the class. The parents a great and do this, but kids still talk. Birthdays are exciting.

Really insightful 🧡