To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

[Fr0thandBubble]

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

Horrible thing to do. Someone did this when my dd was in y1. Vile

I think at some point people do exclude others from social situations but I think it important that you teach that you need to be mindful of other people’s feelings especially with little children who can be frequently selfish. In year 1 excluding lots of children sends the wrong message to all.

We do whole class parties but it is expensive and I respect that not everyone can. It’s an each to their own situation - doing what you believe. One of my main objectives is I want my DC to be social and have a large social circle of friends. Being unkind, selfish and oblivious of the impact you have on others is unlikely to achieve being a balanced well liked individual in my view.

But interesting views all round and food for thought.

@ThirdElephant

How close do you think friendships are at that age like? The can change best friends on a weekly basis!!

At 5/6? They'll change best friends and fall out yes, and you'll get the frenemy dynamic, where they're besties much of the tine and mortal enemies the rest, but it's the same groups in the playground generally. I've taught classes in Y1 and again in Y5 and the friendship groups have been the same for the most part.

Oh so you were a teacher? I’ll ask this then as I’m sure you’ll have seen it happen during your career.

How do you feel about the children that are often left out of parties? Sadly, often the ones with behavioural issues, disabilities or SEN?

I assume you must have seen this happen over the years? When the sane kid/scars left out of parties, group play, picked last in PE?

When the same kid/s

@84wood

I think at some point people do exclude others from social situations but I think it important that you teach that you need to be mindful of other people’s feelings especially with little children who can be frequently selfish. In year 1 excluding lots of children sends the wrong message to all.

We do whole class parties but it is expensive and I respect that not everyone can. It’s an each to their own situation - doing what you believe. One of my main objectives is I want my DC to be social and have a large social circle of friends. Being unkind, selfish and oblivious of the impact you have on others is unlikely to achieve being a balanced well liked individual in my view.

But interesting views all round and food for thought.

I agree with this.

We do whole class parties but it is expensive and I respect that not everyone can. It’s an each to their own situation - doing what you believe. One of my main objectives is I want my DC to be social and have a large social circle of friends. Being unkind, selfish and oblivious of the impact you have on others is unlikely to achieve being a balanced well liked individual in my view.

But presumably you can afford it. You either have a large house or can hire a hall. And you must have helpers to organise them all. Or your kids classes are smaller than the usual 30. Surely a whole class party is not a circle of friends but rather just moving the entire class to a different location. While it’s good that no one is disappointed, it is a different sort of party to a smaller more intimate affair.

Oh so you were a teacher? I’ll ask this then as I’m sure you’ll have seen it happen during your career.

How do you feel about the children that are often left out of parties? Sadly, often the ones with behavioural issues, disabilities or SEN?

I assume you must have seen this happen over the years? When the sane kid/scars left out of parties, group play, picked last in PE?

Well, I work in a deprived area so have never known a whole-class party and have never permitted invites to be given out in lesson time, so tbh I rarely know when they're going on! I don't think most of our kids have them- some bring in a box of celebrations or something, or a cake if they're really pushing the boat out. I've never had a kid or parent mention party-related upset.

I think our parents and kids are pretty sensible about it and no one rubs anyone's faces in anything. Also, we don't allow kids to choose their own teams for PE.

Completely agree with your comment. It’s a different event while they’re little and teaches what I want. And yes we can afford but if we couldn’t we’d create a system that appeared fair to all. May be all girls or something. Obviously don’t know the dynamics of OPs situation but 8 seems very tough.

I think it's relevant who you are not inviting.
Is it the autistic child, who gets few invites?
But it sounds like OP is sensitive to the problem. Also hand out invites sensitively.

@ThirdElephant

Oh so you were a teacher? I’ll ask this then as I’m sure you’ll have seen it happen during your career.

How do you feel about the children that are often left out of parties? Sadly, often the ones with behavioural issues, disabilities or SEN?

I assume you must have seen this happen over the years? When the sane kid/scars left out of parties, group play, picked last in PE?

Well, I work in a deprived area so have never known a whole-class party and have never permitted invites to be given out in lesson time, so tbh I rarely know when they're going on! I don't think most of our kids have them- some bring in a box of celebrations or something, or a cake if they're really pushing the boat out. I've never had a kid or parent mention party-related upset.

I think our parents and kids are pretty sensible about it and no one rubs anyone's faces in anything. Also, we don't allow kids to choose their own teams for PE.

Well that’s how it should be. I’m pleased your school don’t let them pick their own teams as it’s just creates more divide.

I also agree that invites should be discreet and not a performance whereby kids are waiting to see if the get the ‘golden ticket’ and are left gutted even they aren’t.

Discretion is key

when they aren’t invited

@TableFlowerss *Well thankfully it looks like your opinion on the matter is in the minority!!

Most people appreciate empathy, clearly some don’t….

Some parents try to teach kids how ‘being kind’ works from an early age, some don’t….

Some parents try to reach kids to be inclusive, sons don’t….

Some people give a shit about others, some don’t….

Swings and roundabouts!!*

Yes and look how well your dangerous and damaging attitude has worked with the emergence of #MeToo

I thank goodness I am more considerate of children and how they grow up than you are. I can see the damage your dangerous attitude has had on women. How proud you must feel.

@Marynotsocontrary

And teaching children to 'be inclusive' and 'bekind' and 'be the bigger person' is very harmful and detrimental and I feel sorry that you teach your children that their comfort and wishes come last. It's the wrong message and it needs to stop.

Ah now. I see your point TheGirlCat, but I think you've gone too far with it. If my children are fighting, I do need to ask them to stop, to think a bit about how their sibling may be feeling too, to try seeing things from a different point of view, to be kind and share. Young children can be selfish little buggers sometimes, to some extent they need to be taught that not everything is about their comfort and wishes (or I'd be a complete doormat at this stage). It's all about balance, as always.

I don't think there's been any suggestion that the OP's daughter is being bullied by a classmate as you have suggested...that would, of course, result in different decisions being made.

You've missed the point entirely. It's not about fighting. It's about a child being able to feel safe enough to invite into their own home and their own party who they want to invite, without being told to 'bekind' at the expense of their own comfort and wishes and wellbeing. Regardless of bullying, any human being should be able to invite as little or as many people as they want. This is basic common sense. Or, at least, I thought it was. Until I read some of the disturbing posts on here by parents who are all about image and nothing else.

@ThirdElephant

I teach and the idea that all the girls in any class walk around in a sort of pack in the playground is laughable. In reality, there are breakaway groups (of girls and boys, in some cases) that don't interact with each other all that much. People on here advocating that you leave one or two of a friendship group out in order to make things feel better for a different friendship group is frankly absurd.

👏👏👏

@TableFlowerss *How close do you think friendships are at that age like? The can change best friends on a weekly basis!!

It’s not like they 13 where they have established friendships groups.

Most parties at that age are full class ones, all the girls (or boys) or a few close friends. If it was 4 girls and 9 weren’t going that would be different*

Actually unless parents are loaded, most parties at age 5 and 6 have about 5-10 children from a class, very, very rarely a 'full class', at least not in most normal places. It is not at all normal to invite the full class. Not many people can afford that, so it's middle-upper class parents pushing this.

@TableFlowerss It’s not just 8 out of 39 kids though is it? It’s 8 girls + the birthday girl = 9.

So? A child should be allowed to invite as little or as many as they like. That is normal. Inviting an entire class is not...normal!

@84wood

I think at some point people do exclude others from social situations but I think it important that you teach that you need to be mindful of other people’s feelings especially with little children who can be frequently selfish. In year 1 excluding lots of children sends the wrong message to all.

We do whole class parties but it is expensive and I respect that not everyone can. It’s an each to their own situation - doing what you believe. One of my main objectives is I want my DC to be social and have a large social circle of friends. Being unkind, selfish and oblivious of the impact you have on others is unlikely to achieve being a balanced well liked individual in my view.

But interesting views all round and food for thought.

I think it's important that children learn that they are allowed to be selfish when it comes to who they want in their own home and at their own party. No one would suggest (although considering some of the 'parents' on this thread, I'm not so sure anymore ) that you should invite your entire workforce to your wedding. If you can't be 'selfish' when it comes to your own birthday and your own home, when can you be? Are you 'selfish' if you don't invite your entire neighbourhood and workforce to a BBQ or wedding or Christening? Children need to be taught that they are allowed to invite who they want into their own lives and their homes. This idea that a child (or anyone) is 'selfish' for not inviting the entire darn class to their birthday is absolutely ridiculous and something I have never come across until I came to this site, and something I sincerely never hope I come across again. I genuinely feel concerned and sorry for some of the kids of posters on here. This thread is heartbreaking, disturbing and sad.

I think I'll hide this thread. I am sickened by what I've read on here, and deeply disturbed. This is stepford wife/handmaids tale territory for me. I've said enough why I feel that a child should be able to invite as many and as little numbers as they want. But what worries me, as a non-UK poster, is the amount of threads I read where the woman is uncomfortable with something and feels compelled to invite a BIL/office bully etc around because they are conditioned and trained, from a child, to #BeKind at their own expense. BeKind to me, means being civil, polite, friendly. It doesn't entail a child's spirit being broken being told they have to invite the entire class or they cannot have all their friends if they want. That imo is a form of child abuse and cruelty, and I bite my tongue and leave many threads without posting because of the sycophantic, sickening submissive attitudes of many women on here who feel they don't even have the right to refuse their BIL to stay for a month or feel bad for not inviting every single colleague to a drink do. The attitude on here is like a slow train wreck, and not enough people on here are listening. They actually genuinely think they are the nice ones, when they are doing enormous damage, and the attitude in the UK and shown on this thread is so disturbing to me and many of you cannot see the damage you are doing by telling your child they have no choice in who they invite into their own homes. The 'teach children to be passive about their own self esteem and rights' attitude on here is very disturbing on many levels. Some get it, too many don't. And then we see thread after thread after thread of passive women who haven't been taught to be assertive because their shallow parents think being seen to be 'nice' 'kind' and popular is more important than the message they are sending to their children.

And so the cycle continues.

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@sunflowerroses. Yes there are boys in the class - it's a class of about 30 children. Sorry - should have said that in my initial post.

Urgh, I am panicking now! We could invite fewer girls and maybe a few boys? But the activity is painting-related - not sure boys would be into it?[/quote]
You don't think 6yo boys like painting??

@TheGirlCat massive over reaction. These are tiny little girls. Of course as they get older they can choose but in y1 friendship groups are not established and they don’t have the common sense to be mindful of others feelings. When they’re older they can be discreet in discussing their party plans and are probably going to be in their own friendship circles anyway for chatting about it.

I’d be inviting them all the chances of them all coming are pretty slim.

TheGirlCat

You realise your post is just victim blaming right. Girls are used and abused because when they were little kids they were forced to invite all the kids in class. Ffs! You should have kept biting your tongue and not made yourself sound like an idiot.

[quote TheGirlCat]**@TableFlowerss* Well thankfully it looks like your opinion on the matter is in the minority!!

Most people appreciate empathy, clearly some don’t….

Some parents try to teach kids how ‘being kind’ works from an early age, some don’t….

Some parents try to reach kids to be inclusive, sons don’t….

Some people give a shit about others, some don’t….

Swings and roundabouts!!*

Yes and look how well your dangerous and damaging attitude has worked with the emergence of #MeToo

I thank goodness I am more considerate of children and how they grow up than you are. I can see the damage your dangerous attitude has had on women. How proud you must feel. [/quote]
Says you, who clearly has very little compassion or empathy 😂

[quote TheGirlCat]**@TableFlowerss* How close do you think friendships are at that age like? The can change best friends on a weekly basis!!

It’s not like they 13 where they have established friendships groups.

Most parties at that age are full class ones, all the girls (or boys) or a few close friends. If it was 4 girls and 9 weren’t going that would be different*

Actually unless parents are loaded, most parties at age 5 and 6 have about 5-10 children from a class, very, very rarely a 'full class', at least not in most normal places. It is not at all normal to invite the full class. Not many people can afford that, so it's middle-upper class parents pushing this.[/quote]
Bollocks! The middle classes would more likely be the ones that have the room to facilitate a party at home, so they wouldn’t need to hire somewhere!

[quote TheGirlCat]**@TableFlowerss* It’s not just 8 out of 39 kids though is it? It’s 8 girls + the birthday girl = 9.*

So? A child should be allowed to invite as little or as many as they like. That is normal. Inviting an entire class is not...normal![/quote]
If you’re happy to be that parent that excludes a minority of kids, crack on.

Don’t come having a tantrum on here because most people think it’s a dickish thing to do and try to justify it by trying invites turn it round as if it’s other people that aren’t empathetic, when actually it’s you!