To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

[Fr0thandBubble]

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

@TheGirlCat

I think I'll hide this thread. I am sickened by what I've read on here, and deeply disturbed. This is stepford wife/handmaids tale territory for me. I've said enough why I feel that a child should be able to invite as many and as little numbers as they want. But what worries me, as a non-UK poster, is the amount of threads I read where the woman is uncomfortable with something and feels compelled to invite a BIL/office bully etc around because they are conditioned and trained, from a child, to #BeKind at their own expense. BeKind to me, means being civil, polite, friendly. It doesn't entail a child's spirit being broken being told they have to invite the entire class or they cannot have all their friends if they want. That imo is a form of child abuse and cruelty, and I bite my tongue and leave many threads without posting because of the sycophantic, sickening submissive attitudes of many women on here who feel they don't even have the right to refuse their BIL to stay for a month or feel bad for not inviting every single colleague to a drink do. The attitude on here is like a slow train wreck, and not enough people on here are listening. They actually genuinely think they are the nice ones, when they are doing enormous damage, and the attitude in the UK and shown on this thread is so disturbing to me and many of you cannot see the damage you are doing by telling your child they have no choice in who they invite into their own homes. The 'teach children to be passive about their own self esteem and rights' attitude on here is very disturbing on many levels. Some get it, too many don't. And then we see thread after thread after thread of passive women who haven't been taught to be assertive because their shallow parents think being seen to be 'nice' 'kind' and popular is more important than the message they are sending to their children.

And so the cycle continues.

I think that’s a good idea to hide it as you sound a bit unhinged I’m afraid with your OTT reaction.

Dd is 6 next month and having a party.
I have invited All the class because i couldn't leave any kids out. Next year she's not having a party😂

My solution is to throw money at it. I've hired a venue, ordered food, balloons etc. I've got a magician coming and party games.
Most importantly I have Alcohol 🍷🍷🍷and 3 sisters willing to help out.
All the bloody class is coming, no cancellations🙈

@ThirdElephant

Oh so you were a teacher? I’ll ask this then as I’m sure you’ll have seen it happen during your career.

How do you feel about the children that are often left out of parties? Sadly, often the ones with behavioural issues, disabilities or SEN?

I assume you must have seen this happen over the years? When the sane kid/scars left out of parties, group play, picked last in PE?

Well, I work in a deprived area so have never known a whole-class party and have never permitted invites to be given out in lesson time, so tbh I rarely know when they're going on! I don't think most of our kids have them- some bring in a box of celebrations or something, or a cake if they're really pushing the boat out. I've never had a kid or parent mention party-related upset.

I think our parents and kids are pretty sensible about it and no one rubs anyone's faces in anything. Also, we don't allow kids to choose their own teams for PE.

Exactly. Also there's a difference between:

1. Kids being left out of a party where everyone is invited, regardless of friendship status
2. Not being invited to a party where the invitees are known to be friends.

The number of people is really irrelevant but the friendship dynamics. If a kid is upset about not being invited in 1) fair enough but it's entitled to be upset at 2) . Kids rubbing people's faces in it for 2) is a separate issue unrelated to the invite itself.

OP your party sounds like 2). Going against the grain but you're being very unfair to your daughter's friends who will be left out just so you can please other kids who may not even know that the party's happening - you didn't say whether the other girls even interact with your child at all

@ParkheadParadise

Dd is 6 next month and having a party. I have invited All the class because i couldn't leave any kids out. Next year she's not having a party😂

My solution is to throw money at it. I've hired a venue, ordered food, balloons etc. I've got a magician coming and party games.
Most importantly I have Alcohol 🍷🍷🍷and 3 sisters willing to help out.
All the bloody class is coming, no cancellations🙈

Great for you and I'm pleased that you can be so generous. But what about people who can't afford it? This 'must invite whole class' malarkey is very privileged

I just let my kids invite whoever they want. It's not 'cruel' 🙄, life is full of disappointment.

DS had a party recently. He has friends outside of school that he wanted to invite, so it limited the kids from school. He just invited his friends (some boys, some girls), it's no big deal.

He's not always invited to everything either.

And teaching children to 'be inclusive' and 'bekind' and 'be the bigger person' is very harmful and detrimental and I feel sorry that you teach your children that their comfort and wishes come last. It's the wrong message and it needs to stop.

Ah now. I see your pointTheGirlCat, but I think you've gone too far with it. If my children are fighting, I do need to ask them to stop, to think a bit about how their sibling may be feeling too, to try seeing things from a different point of view, to be kind and share. Young children can be selfish sometimes, to some extent they need to be taught thatnot everything is about their comfort and wishes (or I'd be a complete doormat at this stage). It's all about balance, as always.

I don't think there's been any suggestion that the OP's daughter is being bullied by a classmate as you have suggested...that would, of course, result in different decisions being made.

You've missed the point entirely. It's not about fighting. It's about a child being able to feel safe enough to invite into their own home and their own party who they want to invite, without being told to 'bekind' at the expense of their own comfort and wishes and wellbeing. Regardless of bullying, any human being should be able to invite as little or as many people as they want. This is basic common sense. Or, at least, I thought it was. Until I read some of the disturbing posts on here by parents who are all about image and nothing else.

I don't think I missed the point at all @TheGirlCat.
Okay, let's not say the kids are fighting, a bad example maybe. Let's say two of them are leaving the third out, not playing, won't include their sibling (or friend) in their games. Do I respect their 'comfort and wishes'? Or do I encourage them to think of what it might feel like to be the one left out, to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes? Do I encourage kindness and empathy? To their classmates as well as their siblings.

I don't think I'm raising people who are unable to stand up to bullies by doing this. I'm raising compassionate individuals who have the insight to look a little beyond their own 'comfort'. And I'm not raising 'passive women' either - for a start, my children are all boys.

What the point of inviting kids you’re not friends with?

@Marynotsocontrary

And teaching children to 'be inclusive' and 'bekind' and 'be the bigger person' is very harmful and detrimental and I feel sorry that you teach your children that their comfort and wishes come last. It's the wrong message and it needs to stop.

Ah now. I see your pointTheGirlCat, but I think you've gone too far with it. If my children are fighting, I do need to ask them to stop, to think a bit about how their sibling may be feeling too, to try seeing things from a different point of view, to be kind and share. Young children can be selfish sometimes, to some extent they need to be taught thatnot everything is about their comfort and wishes (or I'd be a complete doormat at this stage). It's all about balance, as always.

I don't think there's been any suggestion that the OP's daughter is being bullied by a classmate as you have suggested...that would, of course, result in different decisions being made.

You've missed the point entirely. It's not about fighting. It's about a child being able to feel safe enough to invite into their own home and their own party who they want to invite, without being told to 'bekind' at the expense of their own comfort and wishes and wellbeing. Regardless of bullying, any human being should be able to invite as little or as many people as they want. This is basic common sense. Or, at least, I thought it was. Until I read some of the disturbing posts on here by parents who are all about image and nothing else.

I don't think I missed the point at all @TheGirlCat.
Okay, let's not say the kids are fighting, a bad example maybe. Let's say two of them are leaving the third out, not playing, won't include their sibling (or friend) in their games. Do I respect their 'comfort and wishes'? Or do I encourage them to think of what it might feel like to be the one left out, to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes? Do I encourage kindness and empathy? To their classmates as well as their siblings.

I don't think I'm raising people who are unable to stand up to bullies by doing this. I'm raising compassionate individuals who have the insight to look a little beyond their own 'comfort'. And I'm not raising 'passive women' either - for a start, my children are all boys.

You make perfect sense. Most reasonably adjusted adults would be able to relate to this. Some not so unfortunately….

we are sending the message that 'bekind' is more important than how a child feels and their needs and wishes.

Being kind to others is neither MORE nor LESS important than how a child feels and their needs. It is EQUALLY important. We are all people, and we should all consider each other's feelings.

If this was a matter of inviting children who were regularly bullying one's child, and/or whom they felt afraid of, it might be a different matter. But the OP has not said this. It seems to be a matter of only being able to invite a certain number, and the child preferring some to others. Which does not seem to me to be as important as avoiding rejecting a small number of children.

It should also be remembered that sooner or later, your child is likely to come up against pressure from the class 'queen bees' to exclude unpopular children, or those seen as ugly or 'not cool'. Year 1 is a bit early for that, but it will happen sooner or later. 'Becruel' is at least as pressurizing as 'Bekind', and generally leads to a lot more misery for the victims. It is important that children learn early to resist these pressures.

My year 1 boy is really arty and loves drawing, painting, crafting etc. it's sad to have preconceptions about that sort of thing at such a young age!!

PP you were replying to seems a bit over the top in terming this 'disturbing' but your example doesn't quite apply in this party scenario.

Two kids leaving the third kid out = all kids in class invited except for one or two. Which is cruel. Since everyone was invited by 'default'. An opt out rather than opt in.

All kids invited as the friends of a particular child - not cruel. Gender is irrelevant. X upset at not being invited? Well Y and Z weren't either. So what's the big deal?

After 16 pages of everyone going round and round vital information hasn't been given:

• Does the OP's DD even speak to any of the girls she didn't initially want to invite? She doesn't like one of them fair enough but did she even have any feeling towards the others beyond knowing of their existence? If she never spoke to them why would they care about party invites (if they even knew that she had a party)?

• Why is it fair to cut OP's DD's female friends out and invite more boys instead? Doesn't that go against being inclusive? So to not hurt some people others do?

Inclusiveness etc is great - but with the best of intentions real life is full of resource constraints. The grown up version is not inviting children or new partners to a party. Nobody is being 'exclusive' they just don't have unlimited money.

I don't see much nuance regarding that in this discussion mainly 'not inviting people is cruel because it is'. Fair enough if the person's throwing a huge blowout party and excluded a few people. Nonsense if they're only inviting a small crowd. Saying 'X percentage of the girls' as an arbitrary number doesn't make sense.

@Marynotsocontrary my reply was to your post.

All in all though all of this exclusion etc is very interesting especially when I compare it to what adults do

*wedding not a party

What the point of inviting kids you’re not friends with?

The age of the children is relevant here. Younger kids don't have very developed ideas of friendship or of parties. They just want some other kids to sing happy birthday to them and to have cake and balloons. Their friendships are often fluid - they're friends one day, quarrel and then friends again the next day. And of course some kids will struggle with the transition to school/Y1 and so will have less friends as a result while they find their feet. That's why it makes sense to be as inclusive as possible when you're dealing with children of this age. They’re learning social cues and the give and take of social interaction. It’s especially important for children who are struggling with this to attend playdates and parties to give them opportunities to practice. And children of this age are more accepting than older children.

Older children socialise at a more sophisticated level and have much more developed friendship preferences, so clearly it’s harder for adults to interfere in friendships. And less justifiable since often friendships at this age will be based to a greater extent on shared interests or stage of development.

‘ But the activity is painting-related - not sure boys would be into it?’

Jesus wept. Imagine a world where boys aren’t into painting or drawing or art at that age??

This is perhaps off-topic, but I am surprised at the assumption that boys wouldn't enjoy drawing and painting! Most children that age do, whether boys or girls.

I’m glad you’ve come to a solution op.

I think this thread is really confusing. I totally understand where GirlCat is coming from. But not the logic. It is entirely possible to be kind and empathetic whilst maintaining boundaries. It is also entirely possible that a child can feel left out and sad and the parent(s) have no idea.

I think either invite all girls, or a lower number, meaning those left out aren't in the minority.
As kids get older, I think parties get smaller or even just become days out with a few close friends. But I think in year 1, it's nicer to be inclusive.