To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

[Fr0thandBubble]

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

My son would like a painting party, especially at that age. If I were you though I'd hire somewhere, like a village hall and have the party there instead and just invite all the girls. It gets easier as they get older and have more established friends, but at this age I used to do whole class parties.

I hate the politics involved in parties and yes there are some parents who get VERY upset if their kids aren't invited, even if they were one of several not invited. So just be prepared for a bit of backlash.

Personally what I've done is whole class party in reception. Year 1 birthday we were in lockdown. Year 2 just invited 3 kids that are his best friends. I much prefer this to be honest and it's what I will do going forwards. A small gathering means that (generally) nobody is offended and also massively keeps the cost down. Win/win.

If my daughter didn’t ever play with someone though I wouldn’t expect her to be invited to their party (unless it was a whole class party or all the girls party - that’s clearly different and no one should be excluded in that way). I would explain that to her as well.

I don’t see the issues with just inviting their own friendship group though, to a small party. Some people can’t afford/cope with more than that. And that’s ok.

I can still recall how hurt I felt when I was one of only two children in the class not invited to someone’s birthday party (aged about 10). Please don’t do it.

Like you say hire a hall and invite the lot of them. And do what with them? Some people don’t want to stand up and try to control a room full of kids. Some people (like me) do not have that sort of confidence. Some people (again like me) simply don’t want the responsibility.

I can still recall how hurt I felt when I was one of only two children in the class not invited to someone’s birthday party (aged about 10). Please don’t do it

I mean, I’m sorry that this happened to you. But it’s not what is happening here, is it.

I have a 5yo boy and he likes painting.

My dd was one of 2 girls left out of a girls party in year 1. My daughter (asd) hates parties and wasn't bothered but the other little girl was devastated. She begged the party girls mum to let her go every day at school pick up leading up to the party and the mum steadfastly said no.

The girl was left out of groups in school in the lead up to the party as all of the girls were talking about what they would wear/do etc.

Unnecessarily cruel.

My Ds would love a painting party!

I agree with others - invite 6 girls, and maybe a couple of boys if she’s friends with them (or just have the 6)

Cassandrainthenight
She was gutted as she heard all the girls talking about it and the girl handed out invites. I never acted gutted in front of her

"Do the girls only play with other girls and the boys only play with other boys?
Why send them to a co-educational school if this is the case?
Genuinely curious"
You do realise that state schools are nearly always co-ed don't you?

Haven’t RTFT but If it’s 9 out of 30 people what’s the problem? Why do all the girls have to be invited?

Does this mean only rich people can have parties

My autistic dc was always one of the four. I lost count of the 'kind' messages from other mums explaining how they were sure the party wouldn't be my dc's sort of thing and that they'd arrange a play date to make up for it. I sent breezy replies, plastered on a smile for everyone and knew that the play date would never happen.

I would either do fewer or the whole class. I think for ds's y1 party we invited 10- a mixture of boys and girls ,(that was out of 60 as well as they mixed the classes at end of reception so they all had friends in both classes) And yes boys, particularly at that age do like painting, my 8 year old boy would still love a painting party- also I think ds has only ever been to one party that was all boys since he started going to parties at age 3!

going against the grain, I think this is ok. you are inviting less than half the class, which is fine. The girl/boy thing is a red herring. I would add that at this age if she's friends with boys, invite them, even if you think the activity might not be their first choice. my very non-sporty DC2 was often one of just two girls at football parties, and had a blast with her friends even though she'd not have chosen the activity herself.

the MN orthodoxy that all of the class or all of one sex must be invited is very skewed towards those with massive houses or cash to hire big venues, which is not the norm where I live.

Also maybe I have a different experience but do all these girls hang out together?

If the 4 girls in question don’t even talk to your DD they’re unlikely to care about her party.

Invite them all, they probably won't all come so it won't be an issue

@TheTurn0fTheScrew

going against the grain, I think this is ok. you are inviting less than half the class, which is fine. The girl/boy thing is a red herring. I would add that at this age if she's friends with boys, invite them, even if you think the activity might not be their first choice. my very non-sporty DC2 was often one of just two girls at football parties, and had a blast with her friends even though she'd not have chosen the activity herself.

the MN orthodoxy that all of the class or all of one sex must be invited is very skewed towards those with massive houses or cash to hire big venues, which is not the norm where I live.

Exactly - and we wonder where sexist stereotyping comes from 😂

It’s about friendship group - not sex. There maybe be for example 10 girls but if one of them has an all male friend group I’d expect them to be invited to the boys’ parties. Which the other girls don’t get invited to - fair enough.
I had a good mix growing up so I don’t know why people are segregating!

Just invite the whole ones she wants to invite.

Id not invite people I didn't want at a party because they feel they should go. It's my party I should have who I want and definitely not someone I didn't particularly like. Especially in my home which is supposed to be where I feel comfortable with people I get on with.

DD is just 8 and knows when others in her class have a party, she's not in the least bit bothered. If she was excluded from someone's party who she was very close to I imagine she'd be hurt but that's not happened.

As for the whole class parties, it's a huge amount of money for the parent of the birthday child and a bloody nightmare for us parents having to ferry the kids about and get a gift for a kid that your own child is only on polite nodding terms with because they happen to be put in the same bloody class.

The comments on this thread are ridiculous - a total of nine out of thirty people attending a party is not a big deal. That means less than one third of the class will be there. And in terms of only girls, it’s still only two thirds who will be there so a fairly significant portion will not have been invited. If it was just one person that would be different but four girls and seventeen boys missing out is fine!

OP, don’t do this. You are effectively relegating the 4 non-invited girls to the ‘unpopular group.’ These divisions are damaging and it sets a precedent. Also in Year 1, friendships are very fluid. It’s likely that one of the non-invited girls may be your DD’s best friend this time next year. Kept your options open with all the girls at this early stage. I don’t see why you can’t just squeeze 4 more in? Also, it’s teaching your daughter to be inclusive, rather than mean and selective. Just have all the girls and be done with it. It’s only a few hours.

@1u1a

OP, don’t do this. You are effectively relegating the 4 non-invited girls to the ‘unpopular group.’ These divisions are damaging and it sets a precedent. Also in Year 1, friendships are very fluid. It’s likely that one of the non-invited girls may be your DD’s best friend this time next year. Kept your options open with all the girls at this early stage. I don’t see why you can’t just squeeze 4 more in? Also, it’s teaching your daughter to be inclusive, rather than mean and selective. Just have all the girls and be done with it. It’s only a few hours.

It’s not mean and selective to only want to invite your actual friends to your party. Especially when you’re 5

Also I’m genuinely confused how it’s teaching her to be inclusive by saying that she’s got to invite all of the girls (even if she doesn’t play with them and she actively doesn’t like one of them) but none of the boys?

My experience of boys and painting is my ds, who used to go out of his class in year 1 to do extra maths instead of the craft afternoon they had once a week. he thought he'd got a better deal.

If he'd been invited to a painting party, I'm not convinced he would want to go at that age (he definitely wouldn't now!). If he had gone then I don't think the painting would have kept him engaged for very long.
I think if you'd asked me as a parent I'd have said for your own sanity don't invite him

There is a gender split often at primary, although my dc always had friends of both girls and boys.
I used to see it with the swimming pool (yes, this was a state school) at the infants. We had a social time after school and I used to supervise. I did it for 9 years (summer term only as outside!). Almost every day (and it would be different children, so not that some children pushing their choice) you ended up with the boys in one group playing one big game and the girls split into smaller groups of 2-3. You could encourage them to join all together, but then they'd gradually split back again.

I think when a child is left out of a party once it is something they pick themselves up from, even if they're upset at the time.
Problem comes when it happens time and time again. That's when it hurts. And one of the issues is that if a child isn't at the parties, then they seem to get forgotten about because the other parents don't think of them.
One of mine got missed out in year R because she had a very similar name to another. And the parents kept saying "but I know there's only one Sophie in your form isn't there?" and not thinking to check if there's a Sophia.

• Not actual name.

I know this because it came out in year 1 when she had her party (early in the academic year).

OP, totally get what you say about space. Have you thought about doing 2 parties? Your dd will love having two parties, and you can have half at each. I'd not have them back to back, but maybe one in the morning ending with lunch and other in the afternoon. They can do the same painting at both.

Two parties is ridiculous. Total overkill.

@asprinklingofsugar

The comments on this thread are ridiculous - a total of nine out of thirty people attending a party is not a big deal. That means less than one third of the class will be there. And in terms of only girls, it’s still only two thirds who will be there so a fairly significant portion will not have been invited. If it was just one person that would be different but four girls and seventeen boys missing out is fine!

I can see why so many kids grow up to become entitled - or taking offence at every small thing (and posting on MM about it) Also pp have suggested having a small party (4/5) - so it’s fine to make DD choose between her friends and hurt a couple. But not fine to leave out people whom she might not even talk to? Mind boggling!

The whole ‘if you can’t afford everyone don’t have it’ for fear of offending other people is arrogant and privileged. People budget for their kid to do an activity they enjoy with their friends - if they can’t afford to pay for the whole world they should just not do it? That’s more mean and cruel