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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

393 replies

Fr0thandBubble · 18/11/2021 22:56

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

OP posts:
NinaProudman2022 · 19/11/2021 07:46

We had this with Dd’s class and it went on until year 6. Invite say 6, none or all. DD was one of the ones left out. By year 6 parents were posting on sm about having a sleepover for all the girls in X’s class etc xx

Madmog · 19/11/2021 07:47

I guess you have a limit due to house size, costs and the number of children you can manage (some will leave them!), so that's fine. Also, your DD has chosen the ones she clearly plays with, or likes as a person.

Vickstory79 · 19/11/2021 07:47

Why choose an activity that will exclude a few kids? It's not hard, they really don't care what they do at this age, they just want a party bag and cake.

It's not hard to be kind.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 07:47

I wouldn't do it. From a purely pragmatic perspective, it's not good for your DD to be seen to be 'excluding' others and may be reflected when other children have birthday parties later in the year. Also, I know it's soft but I couldn't bear to think of children that age being disappointed. Disappointment and the pain of being excluded from things will no doubt come later for some children but it's not something I want any part in. We'll be doing whole class parties here until my DS is old enough to pick a few close friends to celebrate with (though I recognise we're lucky to be able to afford to do that).

In your shoes, if I didn't want to hire a hall and couldn't fit them all in, I'd hold 2 parties. One for most of the school friends and one for the remaining school friends and family friends. I'd also ask DD to invite a couple of the boys she plays most with since I don't think we should be encouraging kids to have gendered friendships at that age. But we've had to do the two-party thing anyway for the past couple of years since we have lots of family friends and can't fit them all in alongside DS's nursery/pre-school friends. We view it as getting all our playdates for the next few months out of the way in a couple of afternoons.

Japingjaponica · 19/11/2021 07:50

They won't all come anyway. And if dd is Year 1 you have a LOT of years to live out with the mums of that class.

CampagVelocet · 19/11/2021 07:50

Why on Earth wouldn't boys be interested in painting? Getting those gender roles nailed down early doors there

Chasingaftermidnight · 19/11/2021 07:51

I think it’s ok. Obviously you have to be prepared that there could be some consequences (ie your DD might be the one left out when one of the other girls has a party) but presumably you can live with that!

NewbieAlert · 19/11/2021 07:52

I’d invite them all if it were in my home.
You could always leave the invites to the last minute so the chances are some won’t be able to some…

My DC is having (what I consider to be) an expensive activity for their birthday. I said they could have 10 children as that’s the minimum booking. She’ll be inviting 6 girls from her class. That leaves 7 girls from her class not invited. I’m comfortable with that balance.

5lilducks · 19/11/2021 07:53

I think it's a bit mean.

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 19/11/2021 07:53

My daughters birthday is in February. She will be 7.

She’s in a new class this year. I don’t know them/their parents. I do know she has 4 or 5 pals (all girls) that she plays with and those are the girls she wants to invite round for pizza. So that is what we will do.

I’ve done big parties with the whole classes at venues etc plenty of times and frankly I can’t afford it this year. Also, we find there is a party almost every week at this time of year. No kids are obsessing over them and going on about them at school because they are happening all the time.

What this thread has made me think though, is that maybe we won’t hand out invitations at school. I think I’ll just track down the mums on social media and invite them that way. I guess it isn’t really a party.

Dancingonmoonlight · 19/11/2021 07:53

@Dalalalada

And now, having moved schools, I see parents are at it again inviting select numbers out of a relatively small year group - and quite happy to accept invites to the lovley whole group parties of other kids. Rant over!
This has been my experience too.

The clique of girls trot off to whole class parties yet stick to their own clique for all their own celebrations. The parents of these girls have brass necks. It’s absolutely learned behaviour - the mothers of the clique of girls huddle together everyday at the school gates.

Dancingonmoonlight · 19/11/2021 07:56

I am saying they mostly won’t be interested to be one of a few boys at a girls painting party. The activity itself doesn’t matter. If it was a girls football party it would be no different, most little boys wouldn’t care for it.

You are projecting your own gender stereotypes.

5lilducks · 19/11/2021 07:57

Disappointment and the pain of being excluded from things will no doubt come later for some children but it's not something I want any part in.

❤

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 19/11/2021 07:57

Also I find with January/February birthday parties that they all DO come. Because there’s not much else going on.

Nietzschethehiker · 19/11/2021 07:58

Well this thread is incredibly eye opening. I'm genuinely amazed at some of the views held and suddenly appreciating my DC school a bit more.

In all honesty I think its more about how its done. There have been some cases where the parent can't accommodate all the DC in a class and it's fair enough but it's how it's done. Handing out invitations ostentatiously outside pickup whilst excluding some children has been done in a previous school and its rubbish, cruel and unfair. It tells you more about the parent then. In this school the parent gently reminded the child not to make a fuss at school about it and encouraged the child to be considerate.

I will say we had one parent who thought they were the big I am and made a giant fuss and performance about it announcing loudly in front of the DC and parents she had agonised about who would make the cut. That performance didn't go down well and I know another parent asked her to tone it down with the performance in the playground because it was performative wringing of hands which was making it far more visible. Mostly the dc were quietly reminded that you can't be invited to everything and the drama was creating the problem not the other parents.

I'm going to be honest some of the wittering about all girls and boys separating on this thread would get mocked heavily in ds2 class. They have not remotely split into boys and girls. My ds2 who is 5 would absolutely love a painting party. There's a long running joke about three of the boys trying to spend most of their time at the art table.

We are not remotely an affluent or woke school group , we are in a poor area but splitting on sex is met with some hilarity.

It's definitely not all classes or schools that do this and I genuinely am smiling at the fact that some PP think this is the case.

In truth whilst noone would be mean outright there would be some wry smiles and eye rolls at a parent who verbalised this. One parent newly transferred started making comments about one of the 5 year old dc Boys who had longish blond hair and rather than met with anger the waiting parents just laughed and she was told not to be so ridiculous. Not met with ire but certainly met with hilarity that anyone would think it was a thing.

Wow some pp on here would be shut down from a great height.

muddyford · 19/11/2021 07:58

Either invite them all or tell her she has to choose five.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 07:58

That’s quite unusual, why does she only play with the boys? And why would you think boys don’t like painting?

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 19/11/2021 08:00

My daughter has only ever played with the girls. They both have. Come to think of it.

I have absolutely no idea why that is Hmm

ReviewingTheSituation · 19/11/2021 08:06

Re boys painting... I used to own a Paint your own Pottery shop with several parties every weekend.
I did loads of boy's parties with girls attending, and loads of girl's parties where there were boys. In every group, some like it/take to it, and some don't. But that split is not a gender split!

EdenFlower · 19/11/2021 08:07

I'd invite them all because they probably all won't be available to come anyway!

Crazycrazylady · 19/11/2021 08:09

Honestly op. I wouldn't. Even iif my daughter was one of those invited, I'd think less of you for leaving such a small number of girls out.
Yes children do need to leave resiliency but honestly I wouldn't want to be the one that 'teaches ' it to them.

SaltyPepper · 19/11/2021 08:16

@Dancingonmoonlight

Nope, this is literally the reality as evidenced from OP’s dd only wanting to invite girls in the first place. It has nothing to do with boys not liking art (obviously they do) and everything to do with kids naturally gravitating toward gender groups for the most part. It’s perfectly normal and nothing to be alarmed by or try to force children out of.

Welcometothejingles · 19/11/2021 08:19

I would invite all because they might not all come because of other commitments.

venusmay · 19/11/2021 08:24

Yeah invite all or none as your original plan will see a fall out lasting for ages.

YonderTweek · 19/11/2021 08:25

I'd just invite everyone. I was dreading this as my son started school, but luckily I found a mum whose DC has their birthday close to my son's so we're hiring the village hall and having a joint do and everyone is invited. I can appreciate that it's not always possible to invite everyone, but I will do my best to include everyone as I remember what it was like to be excluded as a child. Either everyone or then just a handful of kids and keep the whole do under wraps so other kids don't get FOMO. Grin

I'm a bit disappointed to read that people still think that there are "boys' activities" and "girls' activities". My son has a wide range of interests and he would love a painting party. Smile He also plays with both boys and girls, and I always encourage him to stick to what he likes even though some silly people seem to think he shouldn't like certain things as they are "for girls".

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