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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

393 replies

Fr0thandBubble · 18/11/2021 22:56

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

OP posts:
DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 19/11/2021 06:55

@SaltyPepper

Disagree that it’s mean. You can hardly be expected to invite the whole class to every young child’s birthday party.

On the boys I think you are right, they are unlikely to enjoy a painting party with girls despite the posters who want to be PC about this.

As a primary school teacher, I can assure you that it is not remotely PC to say that boys enjoy painting. Why would it be a gender specific thing?
Flyingbymypants · 19/11/2021 06:55

Going against the grain here, but I think that's fine. Leaving 1 or 2 out wouldn't be kind but 3 or 4 is OK.

I've 2 daughters and there are plenty of parties that they haven't been invited to over the years. It hasn't been an issue at all.

Wannakisstheteacher · 19/11/2021 06:55

We either have whole class parties or invite 4/5. Leaving only a few out is cruel. I know it is their party but actually it’s more important to me that my DC are nice people.

Kotatsu · 19/11/2021 06:56

As a fairly easy going parent, I would obviously make the best face for my kid (if they were one excluded), but I guarantee it would be noticed.

All the class, all the single sex (I don't particularly like this, but it's common), or a small group (< half is a good rule of thumb as Insert says).

Especially in year one, it's hard when there's a kid who's struggling to work with the others, but excluding them isn't going to make that any better. We have a little boy in my youngest's class who is a handful. He still gets invited, and sometimes comes, sometimes doesn't and we just all know to keep an eye so we can calm him down if he gets over the top.

Kotatsu · 19/11/2021 06:58

Oh, and my eldest would have a go, but doesn't really like painting, and my youngest would still be at the table when the girls had left.

Both of them have as many female as male friends, due to the school not needlessly emphasising sex segregation.

ChipButtyCurrySauce · 19/11/2021 06:58

This happened in my sons class last year. All boys bar 3 invited. It got noticed and commented on! General consensus was it was a bit mean especially when 2 of the excluded boys were good friends with the birthday boy.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 19/11/2021 07:00

Please don’t do this. It’s really cruel.

All or nothing. They won’t all turn up anyway.

FrankReynolds · 19/11/2021 07:01

When I was at primary, there was a click of maybe 6 or 7 mums who only invited each other's daughters to birthday parties. I wasn't one of them and both me and my mum felt shitty about it for the whole of primary. I felt like I wasn't good enough and it's hard enough being a girl as it is Sad

FrankReynolds · 19/11/2021 07:01

I obviously meant clique, not click

Thefaceofboe · 19/11/2021 07:10

I think for such a small class, you could try and accommodate them all. If not, 50% of them is the fairest option

ikeptgoing · 19/11/2021 07:14

Let DD invite who she wants to her party, the original 8 if she wants. It really doesn't matter , it's more important she has who she wants and will enjoy party with her , than some imaginary ratio.

I don't get MN's obsession with whole class parties and ratios of how many you can leave out before "it's unfair to others". As long as you're not singling out one child and inviting everyone else, it's fine

Thefaceofboe · 19/11/2021 07:15

Ah just read the class has about 30 in! I think in that case it’s fine to only invite 8, doesn’t matter whether it’s boys or girls IMO! Let your dd invite who she likes and will have fun with

SavoyCabbage · 19/11/2021 07:17

I would either invite less so that there were five invitees and your dd or all of the girls and arrange the party so that they can all do the activities.

Morph2lcfc · 19/11/2021 07:19

@Cassandrainthenight

Surely the party is first of all for the child whose birthday it is? We always did it at home at KS1 stage and always invited whoever the child wanted.

Never ever were bothered if my children weren’t invited, to be honest I’d have no idea if they weren’t and if anything the problem was always getting way too many birthday invitations (probably from parents worried about not being inclusive at the sake of their own child’s comfort)

To me it’s mean towards the birthday child to have guests around who they prefer not to see!

Worrying what other people might think is not a good way to make a decision. Make your child your priority.

It’s easy to be not be bothered about your child not being invited to a party if the problem is getting way too many birthday invitations
ThirdElephant · 19/11/2021 07:19

I'd let her invite who she wants, tbh. I think the three you'd arbitrarily exclude on the '

SingItToWinIt · 19/11/2021 07:24

I don't agree with the posters saying its class size that matters not boys/girls.

Kids have usually already largely self-separated themselves into girl and boy tribes by 8 - kind of proven in that op's dd only wants to invite girls.

I think leaving 4 out will definitely sting for those not invited.

Taking your own dc out of the mix, my general 'fairness' rule of thumb is you invite them all or invite less than half. Whether boys or girls or whole class.

Dalalalada · 19/11/2021 07:26

If you do this you start a tit for tat pattern. At my dc small primary school there were parents who regularly invited 'nearly all' the boys or the girls and it just left a bad taste for me - so unnecessary. Invites passed out in front of year 1 and 2.children for the majority but not all of them etc. I was the only parent out of the boys who invited ALL the boys all the way through to year 6(through gritted teeth I must say by the end) while at nearly every other party a few children (including my own ds sometimes) would be randomly left out.depending on the whim of the birthday boy.

Onatree · 19/11/2021 07:27

Why on earth are we driving these gendered notions into things at age 6? Don't they get enough pink and blue shoved down their throats from when they are in utero? Does every single thing one does need to be gender-coded?

Christ.

As the mum of a 6 year old boy that would happily go to any party for the sheer excitement of it - i find it peculiar that it's been decided for him that he wont enjoy specific activities. He enjoys the company of 6 year olds, enjoys cake, enjoys being a guest at a party. What more is there to it?

Dalalalada · 19/11/2021 07:29

And now, having moved schools, I see parents are at it again inviting select numbers out of a relatively small year group - and quite happy to accept invites to the lovley whole group parties of other kids. Rant over!

Dalalalada · 19/11/2021 07:30

And yes that's also a very good point about the activity. Since when was paining a girls activity!! Boys won't be into it?? Wtaf?

Onatree · 19/11/2021 07:33

my 6 year old's Year 1 class is doing all manner of festive arts and crafts and painting.

This week alone it was painted lighthouse keeper's lunch basket, stuck-and-glued-on festive decorations, and repeated whines to get a massive Crayola art set for christmas.

This is from a boy who enjoys his massive hot wheels garage, his dinosaur trucks and is currently sticking tissue paper to the underside of a writing notebook to "make it beautiful".

I just dont understand why on earth things need gendering this early in life- when - lets face it - it begins when they are in the womb with pink and blue announcements at 20 weeks.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/11/2021 07:34

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@sunflowerroses. Yes there are boys in the class - it's a class of about 30 children. Sorry - should have said that in my initial post.

Urgh, I am panicking now! We could invite fewer girls and maybe a few boys? But the activity is painting-related - not sure boys would be into it?[/quote]
Y1 boys? Like, 5 and 6 years old? Why on earth would you assume that they would not be interested in painting Hmm

MissCrowley · 19/11/2021 07:36

In relation to your question my 6 year old son will do anything at a party as long as he's invited. He has severe FOMO though 😂 He'd happily join in with some painting.

With regards to leaving some girls out, I get it, it's difficult with having the party in your home. I think what other pp have said may work better- ask a couple of boys/ drop 1-2 of the girls.
I personally wouldn't invite a child that my DD didn't get on with for the sake of not upsetting the child/ mum.
We have a situation like this at the moment where my daughter was pretty much bullied by a girl, only for her to now want my DD to play with her all the time and my DD doesn't want to because she doesn't forget how this child has treated her in the past.

Nearthelooplease · 19/11/2021 07:36

Is she ‘friends’ with the 4 girls who aren’t invited though? If she’s not then I don’t see why it’s any worse for them to not be invited than it is the boys. I don’t remember girls or boys only parties being the norm until a bit later than Yr1 when I was growing up, you just invited your friends.

I’d just pick a set number of people that you’re happy to have in the house and let her invite that many people, regardless of whether they’re boys or girls. I think the boys are likely to enjoy a painting party and if anyone of the children don’t enjoy it then it’s not the end of the world as long as your daughter does!

SaltyPepper · 19/11/2021 07:42

@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

Again to make it totally clear, I am not saying boys don’t enjoy painting. I am saying they mostly won’t be interested to be one of a few boys at a girls painting party. The activity itself doesn’t matter. If it was a girls football party it would be no different, most little boys wouldn’t care for it.