To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

[Fr0thandBubble]

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

Oh my God, the children are not born with the idea that not being invited to a birthday party equals being unworthy or unpopular. You, parents, put that idea into their heads. And then they cry in their room while you falsely comfort them that it’s OK to not be invited while your heart is breaking for them.

If you couldn’t give a shit about them not being invited they wouldn’t care either!! Children(anyone really but esp. children) copy your energy and for years have to read you non verbally before they learn the language well enough. You can pretend but they follow your true feelings.

And if you want your child to have fun and feel they are not invited enough to places, then solve that problem by being the party starter. Organise parties to celebrate 6 and a half birthday or to celebrate anything you can think of, -and then your kids will have as many parties as they want to attend. Don’t make yourself and your child into such a victim.

No. Either invite a smaller number (no more than 6 at maximum; probably 5 or less is best) or invite all, perhaps to an activity outside the home.

I'm guessing that this is her 6th birthday; and at that age, a huge party is probably not needed - a small group is best IMO. Especially as primary school at the moment seems to be superspreader central; but even if this doesn't worry you, at this age informal parties tend to be more enjoyable if kept small. And less work for you.

@TableFlowerss

There was a mother who done this twice, at my DC school. She invited say 8 boys and left out 4.

Funnily enough, it was all the ‘cool’ kids that were invited and the ‘uncool’ kids were left out. Yes she didn’t single out 1/2 but you could clearly tell it was only a party for the popular boys.

She would hand out the invites like Willy Wonkas golden tickets and I remember my DC asking the birthday boy where his invite was? Well he didn’t have one because he wasn’t deemed cool enough 😥

To this day, I can’t stand that mother. I hate that she dove it in front of everyone and all the kids. The worse of it is, she was unpopular at school and was in the ‘alternative crowd’ so she’ll know what it’s like to not be invited to parties etc….

I hate her for the way she made my little one feel.

So no, I wouldn’t leave 4 out.

Hate is a strong word. Why would your DC expect an invite to this kid's party? Were they friends?

Wholeheartedly disagree. Maybe they don’t all feel that way, but if you were the kind of child who always felt different, and wasn’t generally liked, by the age of 6, you know. You know that’s you, and this kind of thing just confirms it. Teachers never choosing you, last to teams, in the minority not invited, you know.
I think if you don’t believe a child knows this feeling, you were perhaps fortunate or likeable enough to not have it happen to you repeatedly.

@SquarePeggyLeggy

Wholeheartedly disagree. Maybe they don’t all feel that way, but if you were the kind of child who always felt different, and wasn’t generally liked, by the age of 6, you know. You know that’s you, and this kind of thing just confirms it. Teachers never choosing you, last to teams, in the minority not invited, you know. I think if you don’t believe a child knows this feeling, you were perhaps fortunate or likeable enough to not have it happen to you repeatedly.

If you weren't generally liked, would you have wanted to be invited to a party by/with people who didn't like you?

If you had a peer group of 8 girls that you hung out with but were one of the social runts, so to speak, how would it feel being left out because your inclusion would have made your friend's mother fall foul of an arbitrary 'less than half the girls' rule, and that friend's mother didn't have the capacity to invite the whole class?

I would invite all the girls.
You do realise parents probably won’t want to leave their kids in your house, so it’s going to be very full.

I once had a party for my daughter, invited all the girls and accidentally left one off the list, my daughter forgot, and I did too.
I was horrified after the party, and her Mum never spoke to me again.

Son recently left off an all boy party too, and he was pretty upset.

What's wrong with inviting just friends? I definitely couldn't afford to host a whole class of kids. It's crazy that children can't just invite who they want without being sworn to secrecy.

No I wouldn't do that.
It's strange that some posters really can't see the difference in a minority being invited and a minority not being invited.

@Cassandrainthenight

Oh my God, the children are not born with the idea that not being invited to a birthday party equals being unworthy or unpopular. You, parents, put that idea into their heads. And then they cry in their room while you falsely comfort them that it’s OK to not be invited while your heart is breaking for them.

If you couldn’t give a shit about them not being invited they wouldn’t care either!! Children(anyone really but esp. children) copy your energy and for years have to read you non verbally before they learn the language well enough. You can pretend but they follow your true feelings.

And if you want your child to have fun and feel they are not invited enough to places, then solve that problem by being the party starter. Organise parties to celebrate 6 and a half birthday or to celebrate anything you can think of, -and then your kids will have as many parties as they want to attend. Don’t make yourself and your child into such a victim.

Bullshit. If it were the case that it was DIFFERENT kids left out each time so everyone got an invite, then maybe that would be true. But that’s not what happens. The same few kids- Often the ones who are disabled different in some way are the ones left out. My son was almost always left out. He’s autistic, but not stupid. He noticed and it made him sad.

When I was growing up no one ever invited all the girls in the class to their party at any age you just invited the children you played with and hung out with.

This was what it was mostly like at my school. Unfortunately due to relentless bullying from year 3 onwards only had 1 or 2 friends so didn't get to go to many.

I always go with the 'less than half' or 'all' rule x

Hate is a strong word. Why would your DC expect an invite to this kid's party? Were they friends

@ThirdElephant

No they weren’t great friends but neither were most of the kids that were invited, it really was the ‘poplar’ group. My DC best friend was invited and didn’t play with the boy much either.

It’s not so much the not inviting, as I’ve explained you can’t go to all the parties, it’s the way the mother gave out the invites. They were given out in front of all the other kids. Most of them got one. She could have easily text the parents.

So yeah when I see her I think I can’t stand you! 🤣

@Cassandrainthenight

Oh my God, the children are not born with the idea that not being invited to a birthday party equals being unworthy or unpopular. You, parents, put that idea into their heads. And then they cry in their room while you falsely comfort them that it’s OK to not be invited while your heart is breaking for them.

If you couldn’t give a shit about them not being invited they wouldn’t care either!! Children(anyone really but esp. children) copy your energy and for years have to read you non verbally before they learn the language well enough. You can pretend but they follow your true feelings.

And if you want your child to have fun and feel they are not invited enough to places, then solve that problem by being the party starter. Organise parties to celebrate 6 and a half birthday or to celebrate anything you can think of, -and then your kids will have as many parties as they want to attend. Don’t make yourself and your child into such a victim.

I disagree with this. Kids want to be included. They know who the popular kids are, though I agree, probably not at 5/6, though some will.

If they see all the cool kids going to a party that could easily reiterate that they aren’t part of it.

Some won’t be bothered but some will. It’s human nature to want to fit in

I’m talking about my experience of it. I’m not saying only popular kids are invited to parties, but that was my experience of it.m and my DC did feel shit.

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@sunflowerroses. Yes there are boys in the class - it's a class of about 30 children. Sorry - should have said that in my initial post.

Urgh, I am panicking now! We could invite fewer girls and maybe a few boys? But the activity is painting-related - not sure boys would be into it?[/quote]
Good god.

Invite a sensible number of her friends without leaving out just a few kids.

6 or 7 including her for painting in your own home is about all you will manage.

And ditch your sexist attitude along with your unrealistic ideas of child management and rather mean attitude about leaving out just 4.

This was on response to the poster who said that children wouldn’t know, that it was parents being upset and making it an issue. My point is that children do know, and find it hurtful.

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@vsgkitt That’s what I’m worried about! What age was your DD then? Sounds like she was a bit older? I would hope 5/6 year olds wouldn’t be painting ganja leaves

Anyone who is mother to a 5/6 year old boy, please shout if they would enjoy a painting-related party! Would potentially solve my dilemma if so.[/quote]
My elder ds wouldn't have been bothered with crafting at that age, however my y1 ds2 loves drawing and painting. However both would be all over a bouncy castle if offered instead.
I think it's a shame to be so exclusionary in y1. My eldest ds has always been invited to girls parties (and boys) because he gets on with everyone.
Understand you can only afford a few though so maybe half the girls?

She said to invite 8 out of 13. 13 - 8 is 5. So it's 5 girls left out.

I assume that No. 5 is the birthday girl herself, who won't be a guest as she's hosting the thing!

Oh my God, the children are not born with the idea that not being invited to a birthday party equals being unworthy or unpopular. You, parents, put that idea into their heads.
I really disagree with this. Wanting to fit in, to be accepted, to belong, is a basic human instinct (though some will feel it more keenly than others). It's not parents' fault that their children feel sad if excluded by classmates.

And if you want your child to have fun and feel they are not invited enough to places, then solve that problem by being the party starter. Organise parties to celebrate 6 and a half birthday or to celebrate anything you can think of, -and then your kids will have as many parties as they want to attend.
I do like the idea of creating a joyous household

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@vsgkitt That’s what I’m worried about! What age was your DD then? Sounds like she was a bit older? I would hope 5/6 year olds wouldn’t be painting ganja leaves

Anyone who is mother to a 5/6 year old boy, please shout if they would enjoy a painting-related party! Would potentially solve my dilemma if so.[/quote]
My friend invited my son and another boy to her daughter’s very calm and sweet art party. The boys were wild and not into the painting and i think they kind of ruined it. I didn’t say as much to the boys, and neither did she, but boys’ energy levels at that age are generally different. (A reason why girls tend to do better in school when they’re younger.)

Of course not all boys find sitting still and drawing difficult, some totally love it, but I would say that more girls are able to at this age than boys.

I think if you invite fewer girls - 6 in total -offending people won’t be a problem.

@Cassandrainthenight

Oh my God, the children are not born with the idea that not being invited to a birthday party equals being unworthy or unpopular. You, parents, put that idea into their heads. And then they cry in their room while you falsely comfort them that it’s OK to not be invited while your heart is breaking for them.

If you couldn’t give a shit about them not being invited they wouldn’t care either!! Children(anyone really but esp. children) copy your energy and for years have to read you non verbally before they learn the language well enough. You can pretend but they follow your true feelings.

And if you want your child to have fun and feel they are not invited enough to places, then solve that problem by being the party starter. Organise parties to celebrate 6 and a half birthday or to celebrate anything you can think of, -and then your kids will have as many parties as they want to attend. Don’t make yourself and your child into such a victim.

You're talking rubbish, my DD noticed in Y2 she wasn't invited to the class party, I never said a word about it although I was sad for her inside, I acted all breezy and didn't make a big deal of it I never ever mentioned the party, but my DD did, she kept on asking why she wasn't invited. Kids aren't stupid, they know who the popular children are, they want to be part of that and it really stings when they're not..

@TableFlowerss

I agree it's human nature to want to fit in, but at age 5-6 clues from the parents should far outweigh social clues.
It's basic psychology, to belong to your parents and not be rejected by them for a small child is far more important than not be "rejected" by society.
For a small child to belong to their parents means to think and act like them. Not to copy their false words, exactly how the poster @JohnStonesMissus above demonstrates, she PRETENDED she didn't care that her daughter wasn't invited, and her daughter reacted exactly as her mother would have. The kids would follow the parents' true attitude.

The other thing is that when parents put an arbitrary limit on numbers some of those excluded are actually friends. It’s not just that they’ve excluded people they don’t get on with. And parents tend to invite children of parents that are friends. So it’s not even totally the child deciding. And then the excluded child questions why a friend has excluded them for no reason. You’ll see many posts from adults wondering why their ‘friend’ has excluded them it’s not a nice feeling for anyone. Either a small group or all the girls largely avoids all these issues

@Cassandrainthenight you come across as someone who doesn’t understand child development and behaviour at all