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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To invite 8 out of 13 girls from DD's class?

393 replies

Fr0thandBubble · 18/11/2021 22:56

DD is in Y1 and she will be having a party at home (with an activity) for her birthday.

There are 13 girls in her class, and she wants to invite 8 of them - meaning that 9 girls would be at the party (including her), and 4 girls wouldn't be invited.

Is that bad? I can't decide! Don't have room for all of them so if the consensus is that it's bad I will tell her she can only invite 7 - which is a slightly better ratio of invited/not invited!

OP posts:
phonetica · 20/11/2021 17:40

lso not quite sure why boys wouldn’t be into painting…you might want to rethink your attitudes there.

Don’t you know painting and anything crafty or creative are obviously only for girls. Boys are just interested in mud and dirt and wrestling.

sweatervest · 20/11/2021 17:46

hopefully the kid she doesn't like won't be free anyway?

i have seen kids faces drop, literally, when they don't get an invite to a party. which is not very helpful advice from moi.

TheGirlCat · 21/11/2021 01:58

@Fr0thandBubble You don't explain if it's 4 girls or 5 girls left out. It reads like as your title says, 5 girls out of a total of 13 are being left out.

Regardless, I find this thread deeply, deeply horrifying and concerning on so many levels. We wonder why #MeToo happens, why women are told to #BeKind , even at their own expense.

This thread, shows how the conditioning starts early. I am lucky I grew up in a time and country where if you received an invite, you received one. It was never a big deal, and as young as 5 you knew who your friends were so would never expect an invite from a classmate you weren't good friends with. What this thread shows, is these days children are conditioned to sacrifice their own happiness - told they have to invite the whole class - even children they don't get on with or who BULLY THEM, or they risk not having 8 of their friends so then run the risk of upsetting a couple of close friends, all for the sake of not having an entire class there.

Children as this thread shows, are conditioned that their rights don't matter, their wants ON THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY don't matter. They have invite people they don't like. This, has a serious affect, especially with girls and women later on, who feel they have to be around people they are uncomfortable with or don't like, just to be seen to 'bekind'. Their own wishes don't matter, they must 'bekind'. No matter the cost to them.

This thread and it's subliminal and outright messages that children have no choice in who they have in their own homes and who they associate with, is so deeply, deeply disturbing to me, and more so because many of you simply can't see it. You are too caught up in the shallow 'bekind' to see what the undercurrent of the message is you are sending out. This thread has such sinister undertones and while I'm glad some others see it, I am very saddened and disturbed not enough others see the sinister messages this 'bekind' and put your own wishes and happiness last has on a girl who will grow up.

OP, allow your daughter the safety, the freedom, and the happiness to CHOOSE who SHE wants and HER OWN BIRTHDAY. Other people's responses is NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S RESPONSIBILITY. The reaction of another child, parent, or ultimately man, is not your child's responsibility, and she shouldn't have to sacrifice a couple of her friends, just to be seen to be kind, at her own expense and happiness. Please, think about what message you are sending to your daughter, that appearances matter more than her own wants and needs on her own special day. You are like other posters on here, teaching her to put herself last, and to be responsible for the reactions and happiness of others, at the expense of her own. Just think about it. You don't have to make yourself miserable and axe a few of your friends, just to be seen to 'bekind'. You don't have to invite everyone to be a decent person. Just think about what message you are giving her, when you are telling her that her own happiness matters less than numbers and the reactions of others. Please, just think about it, and make that positive change to be a positive parent who lets her daughter know it's ok to make choices that make her happy.

TheGirlCat · 21/11/2021 02:07

@sweatervest

hopefully the kid she doesn't like won't be free anyway?

i have seen kids faces drop, literally, when they don't get an invite to a party. which is not very helpful advice from moi.

I've literally seen kids faces drop when they came fourth in a race, and didn't get a ribbon. We don't go giving 1st place ribbons to everyone to spare feelings.

I've literally seen kids (mine especially) faces drop when told no they cannot have their best friend stay over on a school or night, or cannot eat ice cream when they've only taken 2 bites of their dinner. It's called raising children properly to know they can't get their own way all the time. If we caved every time a kids' face dropped over something they wanted and didn't get, what would kids be learning?

Kids faces drop any time they are told no or they can't have something. They get over it quickly, and learn they want get everything they want when they want. They grow up to be well-adjusted adults.

The bottom line though, is that the OP's girl is only responsible for her and her friends happiness on her birthday. The OP's girl is not responsible for the reactions of anyone else. Nor should she be made to feel she should be. Because that, is what led to the MeToo movement. Women putting themselves and their wants, wishes and needs last, and others first, to be seen to be nice, to be seen to be 'kind', to be seen to be doing the right thing, for appearances. When does individual welfare and happiness become important? When do we teach our children that they are not responsible for the reaction or actions of someone else? As long as children are taught to be respectful, not bully, to not be mean and to be civil with others, they shouldn't be told they cannot invite who they want on their own birthday. When will we tell our children they have a right to be happy and are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of others?

TheGirlCat · 21/11/2021 02:15

How many threads have we read on here where women post that they feel obliged to invite the office groper or perve or even office bully to drinks, to 'bekind' otherwise they will look bad?

This, is how it starts. Please people, wake up. This thread shows clear and simple, how early the conditioning to accept being around people you don't like or who make you feel uncomfortable starts. All for the sake of keeping up appearances and being 'seen' to 'bekind'. If anyone wanted to know how it starts and how early and easily we are conditioned, this thread is the 101.

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 06:02

I agree with @TheGirlCat

Figgit · 21/11/2021 07:45

Oh FFS, this is not the office groper, it’s 6 year old girls.
Sorry, OP, it may not be your intention, but it will look mean to the teacher, other parents, and most importantly the girls who are left out.
I always think when people posts these kinds of things here, they know that, they’re just looking for validation.

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 07:47

@Figgit

Oh FFS, this is not the office groper, it’s 6 year old girls. Sorry, OP, it may not be your intention, but it will look mean to the teacher, other parents, and most importantly the girls who are left out. I always think when people posts these kinds of things here, they know that, they’re just looking for validation.
As a teacher, I wouldn't for a second think it was mean. I also wouldn't participate in handing out invites though- that needs to happen beyond the school gates, no matter how many kids are invited.
84wood · 21/11/2021 07:59

I think you’re teaching social skills with this type of event. You either invite all or a very small number of best friends. Can you move venues?

Tbh - the message is very important. I teach mine to become inclusive and the bigger person if there is someone she’s not that keen on.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/11/2021 08:01

Don’t do this in year 1. Hire a hall. Do something less messy if that’s what you are worried about. It’s a horrible precedence to create. Imagine being the girls left out.

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 08:07

@84wood

I think you’re teaching social skills with this type of event. You either invite all or a very small number of best friends. Can you move venues?

Tbh - the message is very important. I teach mine to become inclusive and the bigger person if there is someone she’s not that keen on.

I prefer to teach kids that, while they have to be polite to everyone, there is no need to bend over backwards for people who aren't considerate of you, and no obligation to invite those who upset you into your home and personal life. And also that you've no right to expect an invite to any gathering.
CecilyP · 21/11/2021 08:07

Not a primary teacher, but if I was, I wouldn’t think anything of it. I’d just see it as inviting 8 pupils out of a class of 30. This seems a perfectly manageable number for an activity party or one in someone’s home. I don’t understand the girl/boy thing at all; at this age I had (very small numbers) of boys and girls at my parties and was invited to both boys and girls. It tended to be in upper primary when kids tend to split off into sex-segregated groups. If it was my class, I would just see it as 21 out of 30 not going. I can’t see 6 year old children noticing that it is only 4 girls.

TheGirlCat · 21/11/2021 08:15

@Figgit

Oh FFS, this is not the office groper, it’s 6 year old girls. Sorry, OP, it may not be your intention, but it will look mean to the teacher, other parents, and most importantly the girls who are left out. I always think when people posts these kinds of things here, they know that, they’re just looking for validation.
If that's your only take away from it, you clearly missed the wider point, that we are sending the message that 'bekind' is more important than how a child feels and their needs and wishes. Your attitude is exactly what leads to posters feeling like they have to invite everyone out somewhere. Because they've been conditioned to.
TheGirlCat · 21/11/2021 08:17

@84wood

I think you’re teaching social skills with this type of event. You either invite all or a very small number of best friends. Can you move venues?

Tbh - the message is very important. I teach mine to become inclusive and the bigger person if there is someone she’s not that keen on.

You either invite all or a very small number of best friends.

That is the WRONG message to send.

The message is very important. And teaching children to 'be inclusive' and 'bekind' and 'be the bigger person' is very harmful and detrimental and I feel sorry that you teach your children that their comfort and wishes come last. It's the wrong message and it needs to stop.

TableFlowerss · 21/11/2021 08:23

[quote TheGirlCat]@Fr0thandBubble You don't explain if it's 4 girls or 5 girls left out. It reads like as your title says, 5 girls out of a total of 13 are being left out.

Regardless, I find this thread deeply, deeply horrifying and concerning on so many levels. We wonder why #MeToo happens, why women are told to #BeKind , even at their own expense.

This thread, shows how the conditioning starts early. I am lucky I grew up in a time and country where if you received an invite, you received one. It was never a big deal, and as young as 5 you knew who your friends were so would never expect an invite from a classmate you weren't good friends with. What this thread shows, is these days children are conditioned to sacrifice their own happiness - told they have to invite the whole class - even children they don't get on with or who BULLY THEM, or they risk not having 8 of their friends so then run the risk of upsetting a couple of close friends, all for the sake of not having an entire class there.

Children as this thread shows, are conditioned that their rights don't matter, their wants ON THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY don't matter. They have invite people they don't like. This, has a serious affect, especially with girls and women later on, who feel they have to be around people they are uncomfortable with or don't like, just to be seen to 'bekind'. Their own wishes don't matter, they must 'bekind'. No matter the cost to them.

This thread and it's subliminal and outright messages that children have no choice in who they have in their own homes and who they associate with, is so deeply, deeply disturbing to me, and more so because many of you simply can't see it. You are too caught up in the shallow 'bekind' to see what the undercurrent of the message is you are sending out. This thread has such sinister undertones and while I'm glad some others see it, I am very saddened and disturbed not enough others see the sinister messages this 'bekind' and put your own wishes and happiness last has on a girl who will grow up.

OP, allow your daughter the safety, the freedom, and the happiness to CHOOSE who SHE wants and HER OWN BIRTHDAY. Other people's responses is NOT YOUR DAUGHTER'S RESPONSIBILITY. The reaction of another child, parent, or ultimately man, is not your child's responsibility, and she shouldn't have to sacrifice a couple of her friends, just to be seen to be kind, at her own expense and happiness. Please, think about what message you are sending to your daughter, that appearances matter more than her own wants and needs on her own special day. You are like other posters on here, teaching her to put herself last, and to be responsible for the reactions and happiness of others, at the expense of her own. Just think about it. You don't have to make yourself miserable and axe a few of your friends, just to be seen to 'bekind'. You don't have to invite everyone to be a decent person. Just think about what message you are giving her, when you are telling her that her own happiness matters less than numbers and the reactions of others. Please, just think about it, and make that positive change to be a positive parent who lets her daughter know it's ok to make choices that make her happy.[/quote]
Well thankfully it looks like your opinion on the matter is in the minority!!

Most people appreciate empathy, clearly some don’t….

Some parents try to teach kids how ‘being kind’ works from an early age, some don’t….

Some parents try to reach kids to be inclusive, sons don’t….

Some people give a shit about others, some don’t….

Swings and roundabouts!!

Moulesvinrouge1 · 21/11/2021 08:24

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@sunflowerroses. Yes there are boys in the class - it's a class of about 30 children. Sorry - should have said that in my initial post.

Urgh, I am panicking now! We could invite fewer girls and maybe a few boys? But the activity is painting-related - not sure boys would be into it?[/quote]
Why wouldn’t they?! I don’t know any boys that don’t like painting.

Marynotsocontrary · 21/11/2021 08:31

And teaching children to 'be inclusive' and 'bekind' and 'be the bigger person' is very harmful and detrimental and I feel sorry that you teach your children that their comfort and wishes come last. It's the wrong message and it needs to stop.

Ah now. I see your point TheGirlCat, but I think you've gone too far with it. If my children are fighting, I do need to ask them to stop, to think a bit about how their sibling may be feeling too, to try seeing things from a different point of view, to be kind and share. Young children can be selfish little buggers sometimes, to some extent they need to be taught that not everything is about their comfort and wishes (or I'd be a complete doormat at this stage). It's all about balance, as always.

I don't think there's been any suggestion that the OP's daughter is being bullied by a classmate as you have suggested...that would, of course, result in different decisions being made.

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 08:32

Some parents try to teach kids how ‘being kind’ works from an early age, some don’t….

Some parents try to reach kids to be inclusive, sons don’t….

Some people give a shit about others, some don’t….

None of the fans of the 'less than half or all' mantra have explained how that is kind to a child who the birthday kid is actually friends with who doesn't make the cut in a 'less than 50%' party. Kid who OP's kid doesn't like is unlikely to give a monkeys about the party. The 8th friend that doesn't make the grade because of some arbitrary ruling ia actually the only one of the friendship group being left out. In my eyes, that's orders of magnitude more unkind than not inviting 4/5 kids who aren't actually in the friendship group anyway.

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 08:35

I teach and the idea that all the girls in any class walk around in a sort of pack in the playground is laughable. In reality, there are breakaway groups (of girls and boys, in some cases) that don't interact with each other all that much. People on here advocating that you leave one or two of a friendship group out in order to make things feel better for a different friendship group is frankly absurd.

MumofSpud · 21/11/2021 08:37

Wow! Some Ops' DC weren't invited to a party and they hold grudges!

You have invited 8/30 - that's fine.

This really is a first world problem!

Just wait til you get into hosting teenage parties....

TableFlowerss · 21/11/2021 08:38

@ThirdElephant

Some parents try to teach kids how ‘being kind’ works from an early age, some don’t….

Some parents try to reach kids to be inclusive, sons don’t….

Some people give a shit about others, some don’t….

None of the fans of the 'less than half or all' mantra have explained how that is kind to a child who the birthday kid is actually friends with who doesn't make the cut in a 'less than 50%' party. Kid who OP's kid doesn't like is unlikely to give a monkeys about the party. The 8th friend that doesn't make the grade because of some arbitrary ruling ia actually the only one of the friendship group being left out. In my eyes, that's orders of magnitude more unkind than not inviting 4/5 kids who aren't actually in the friendship group anyway.

How close do you think friendships are at that age like? The can change best friends on a weekly basis!!

It’s not like they 13 where they have established friendships groups.

Most parties at that age are full class ones, all the girls (or boys) or a few close friends. If it was 4 girls and 9 weren’t going that would be different

33goingon64 · 21/11/2021 08:40

I think it's fine OP! DS invited half the kids in his class (boys and girls) to his party. His not friends with the others so why would we invite them? I have no patience with whole class parties for the sake of not offending 5 year olds or their parents. They're all together doing activities and playing at school every day. A private party is for your particular friends.

TableFlowerss · 21/11/2021 08:40

@MumofSpud

Wow! Some Ops' DC weren't invited to a party and they hold grudges!

You have invited 8/30 - that's fine.

This really is a first world problem!

Just wait til you get into hosting teenage parties....

It’s not just 8 out of 39 kids though is it? It’s 8 girls + the birthday girl = 9.
TableFlowerss · 21/11/2021 08:41

I mean 30 kids not 39.

ThirdElephant · 21/11/2021 08:47

How close do you think friendships are at that age like? The can change best friends on a weekly basis!!

At 5/6? They'll change best friends and fall out yes, and you'll get the frenemy dynamic, where they're besties much of the tine and mortal enemies the rest, but it's the same groups in the playground generally. I've taught classes in Y1 and again in Y5 and the friendship groups have been the same for the most part.