Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 - I've NC for this as it's highly contentious.

12yrs ago I was pg with DC1. Convinced baby was a girl, had girls names all sorted. Boys not so sure - there was just one we loved (Edward). I absolutely wanted Bear, didn't like Rupert.

Pregnancy brain realised about 5 days later that (now X) H's DSis' son (then 8?) was christened Edward, nn Teddy. We didn't say anything to anyone - still convinced girl.

Baby boy born. Became pretty poorly pretty quickly. We were asked to name him. He then went into special care for ten days but he's now a bouncing 11 year old. We named him E, nn Bear.

Went to a family wedding about 3 months later, said to DSis "I hope you don't mind", she said "if my E gets knocked down by a bus. You'll still have yours. I won't have mine."

I stepped away from the crazy.

AFAIK, she still doesn't talk to XH. We live over 300miles away. Do I care? Nope.

My eldest son has a name I love, his cousin, probably nearing 20 now - T - they've met maybe 3/4 times. You do you. If it's a name you love and it makes MIL salty, sod her. She's had her time, this is yours.

Rafferty is nothing like Rapael.

I think this is where I'd shrug and say, Ok, I'm done. I should have gone NC with your mother after her disgusting behaviour over our wedding and I didn't, but this is my end point. I don't want anything more to do with someone who is able to be such a corrosive influence in our lives together and I don't really want our kids around her any more than is necessary. I don't want to see her any more.

Bet you he will do an absolute 180.

Basically - you're making yourself the person it is easier to piss off than his mother.

Never ever do that!

Raphael sorry.

Also fuming at his only suggesting one name! FUCK THAT.

I'd tell him the other option is it's Raphael on the bc and you lie to his bitch of a mother and tell her it's just Rafe.

Basically - you're making yourself the person it is easier to piss off than his mother.

This is actaully a very valid point - and IME very worth consideration.

@UserNameYouLove

Wow, thanks for sharing - that’s absolutely batshit. Especially as the nicknames are different!

Also since everyone is being so helpful I may as well add a couple of things to get opinions (hope that’s fine) :

dh’s one name was Caleb. Had never considered. Could probably live with it but I can’t really see a nice nickname for that for a baby. It’s a bit of a man name, not a child.

Secondly, DS2’s name ends in an “el” eg Daniel. Does that mean it clashes with Raphael?

Basically - you're making yourself the person it is easier to piss off than his mother

It’s a very good point but I also don’t want him to feel bullied into it because if it causes a huge rift with his mother (she is so unpredictable) I just don’t want to be the one blamed about it for pushing it. I might message her and see what she says…

I like Caleb as well.

I think that Daniel & Raphael are fine together.

For me the endings don't sound the same.

You mention nicknames-if you used Raphael, would your son ever be called that?

If it was always Raff for example, would it really matter if he was Raphael or Rafferty?

My daughter's nickname was never related to her name-neither is mine!

@diddl

He would always be raff or Rafe I suppose but then my eldest has a nickname and now he can spell his proper name he can be very funny about being called his nickname! So you never know. I suppose it’s just because I would know what the real name was…

Basically - you're making yourself the person it is easier to piss off than his mother.

I agree with PP. I could never have sex with him again if my DH was behaving like this. Pathetic.

Spell it with an f? Rafael instead of Raphael? Sounds the same, but isn't, so MIL can't veto it!

It’s a bit of a man name, not a child.

You're naming a man!

I like Caleb. I think it works for a child too

I think you need to sweep previous names off the table and start again though as you can't use a name the other parent doesn't want - how long do you have? (Apologies if I've missed this!)

I really like Caleb. It’s a good strong name.

As @SoupDragon says - you’re naming the man too! He’ll only be a child for a small part of his life after all.

Wow, thanks for sharing - that’s absolutely batshit. Especially as the nicknames are different!

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 you are not wrong... very pleased to get out of that entire dynamic. I do feel that names are not "owned" by anyone. There is a family name repeatedly used as the first or middle name of most of my DC and their (on my side) cousins, it's my dad's name (and his late father's name), and nobody batted an eyelid!

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

We can’t do Rafe because our surname begins with an F and the two together do NOT sound good (total mouthful)

I did suggest Ralph but DH said it would remind him of Ralph Wiggum from the simpsons…

Have I missed something then? Weren’t you going to call him Rafe anyway? If that’s the name he was going to use then realistically his name and surname would be used together all the time at school/college/etc.

I agree with pp, take them both off the table completely. And maybe don’t let your DH veto every single one of your other name choices.

Also on the nickname for a baby thing - lots of nicknames aren’t diminutives. You’ll likely come up with something that works well. Or maybe you’ll decide you don’t need a cutesy nickname for him at all. I don’t think you need to overthink it too much...

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@diddl

He would always be raff or Rafe I suppose but then my eldest has a nickname and now he can spell his proper name he can be very funny about being called his nickname! So you never know. I suppose it’s just because I would know what the real name was…[/quote]
I suppose I just don't really get giving a name if there's not much intention of using it & foisting a nickname on a child which they may not particularly like when they discover their name.

So if your eldest now prefers his name, then presumably he will now be called that?

@4amstarts

I wouldn't use the name either - I think it's a bit odd using a name of a still living person in the family

Whit ???! 😂

So if your eldest now prefers his name, then presumably he will now be called that?

Yes of course he will! I like to think of suitable nicknames for the first few years but you are right I mean he may not be Rafe/Raffi, he may want to be Raphael.

Apparently the uncle Raphael was also called Rafe so I’ve asked DH how come he’s fine with Rafferty/Rafe if he’s not fine with Raphael if that’s NOT because of his mother? No answer to that. He’s now not sure he likes the name Raphael 😏

I take everyone’s points re nicknames I’m just in that phase of life where my children are tiny so I am used to having sweet names for them. Caleb is fine but I wouldn’t really address my baby as Caleb. I could live with it as a name I’m just not really sure why I should have to settle due to MIL. Tbh I would also like DH to pull his finger out snd bring more than ONE name to the table as well.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

It’s a good point - hadnt thought of that!

@SoupDragon

I have quite a long time but I have a real issue with planning ahead and therefore I really do want to get this settled. It makes me twitchy and Uncomfortable not knowing his name. Batshit perhaps but it’s just how I work.

I prefer Caleb to Rafferty....which to me sounds like an Irishman in a rollicking folk song....actually it is.....Rafferty's Motor car

Tell her your calling him Zubert , give her something else to stress over.

I think if his Uncle pronounces it Rafe-ael & is sometimes Rafe It's very odd that he'd be OK with Rafe as that literally is the same name.

Unless that before his Mum stuck her oar in?

@diddl

I suspect the issue is purely his mother tbh

Well it's like they say "you can please some of the people some of the time..."

And of course a lot of us are biased by how hideously she has treated you.