Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

340 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 08:58

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/11/2021 12:25

@PinkWednesdays

It sounds like sooner or later she will stop talking to you again for a stupid reason. And then you would have given in to her crazy demands for someone who will happily cut you out when it suits her.

Ignore her. It’s your child.

That was my thinking too. She'll dick you about at a future point. Repeatedly.

But you and your husband need to be singing from the same hymnsheet here. You said "DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds" - what is his likely reaction if you use the name and she kicks off? Will he have your back? Will it drive a wedge between you (and has it already)? Would that wedge make her a very happy woman?

Basically; fuck her, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

LisforLemon · 18/11/2021 12:25

Do you even know this is a boy you're expecting, btw?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/11/2021 12:29

The bigger issue here is not that your MIL would be uncomfortable, it’s that your DH, despite loving the name, would be. You would be unreasonable to insist on a name that your DH, for understandable reasons, has reservations about. That’s the crux of it. I expect you could talk him round. But I don’t think you should try.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/11/2021 12:35

@SarahBellam

I feels goady and disrespectful and I can see where your DH is coming from. Is this really the hill you want to die on? My mum would have been very upset if I’d named my DD after her estranged sister. Honestly, step back from this one. You didn’t choose it for the first two so it’s not your most favourite name in the world. I’m wondering if you like it more now because it’s ‘forbidden fruit’.
I agree.

Of course, your MIL has no right to decide the name. But, if you want an ongoing relationship with her, it's provocative to choose this one.

I also think you are rather naive in assuming that you know the whole story of why she and the brother are estranged. A lot of shit can go down between siblings that may not be known in the wider family. Maybe your MIL is just a 'difficult woman'; maybe there is a reason she is like that.

sarah13xx · 18/11/2021 12:39

Call YOUR baby whatever you like, not her child, not her choice!

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 12:39

Do you even know this is a boy you're expecting, btw?

Yes!!! We had a great and very inoffensive girls name picked out of course

OP posts:
muddyford · 18/11/2021 12:39

I agree with other posters who say go ahead with your adored name, as sooner or later you'll get the bum's rush from her.

Alcemeg · 18/11/2021 12:57

I wouldn't want my baby to start off in life with a name that caused aggro from the very start. I mean, when choosing names we try to pick something that won't be cruelly shortened in the playground. Giving the child a name that causes one of his grandmothers to blanch and gag is not ideal, regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation.

Dentistlakes · 18/11/2021 13:01

Out of the thousands of boys names there are, you only like 3?

That aside, of course your MIL can’t veto a name. However, if I were you I’d have a good look through other names and see if there really are no others you like. Not to please tour MIL, but there is a child at the centre of all of this who will want a relationship with his grandmother. It would be a shame if he were treated differently simply because of his name.

Pawprintpaper · 18/11/2021 13:08

@Tricked2003

For me, the name would always be tainted by the situation. Your MIL doesn't have the right to name your child ..........but I wouldn't want to give my child a name with so much "baggage".
Good point. Agree in this case to think of something else
Coffeetree · 18/11/2021 13:10

Parents name their children. If she has any response just stare at her blankly.

She'll find something to freak out about anyway.

Believe me, it's fine being the awkward daughter-in-law. My exMIL didn't even have my number and stopped inviting me to things, so problem solved. The rest of the family envied me.

bathsh3ba · 18/11/2021 13:12

I would be aware that just because you plan to use the nickname doesn't mean everyone will or indeed that the child themselves always will. When my DD12 started secondary school she decided she wanted to be known by her full name, not the nickname we had called her all her life.

Notonthestairs · 18/11/2021 13:12

As your MIL has a history of ditching you for minor transgressions and missed your wedding I feel she's lost the authority to start dictating terms.

She has choices to make as to what is most important to her.

And If she's the sort of grandparent that will treat a child differently on account their name (something they had no control over) I'm not sure she's worth holding on to.

IntermittentParps · 18/11/2021 13:12

Out of the thousands of boys names there are, you only like 3?
No Hmm The OP likes those THE BEST. Why on earth should she not get to use the name she likes the best for a beloved baby?

JanetheObscure · 18/11/2021 13:18

OP, the crux of the matter is just how uncomfortable your DH feels about choosing this name. Is it mildly uncomfortable, in which case you can probably talk him round?

Or is it very uncomfortable, because after rightly standing up for you when your MIL was vile to you, he is relieved that bridges have been built and would rather not rock that?

Only you and he know the answer to that; not us. Work that out and surely you have your answer.

PrincessNutella · 18/11/2021 13:21

Normally, I would say it is none of her business. But it would be an extraordinarily cruel thing for you to do to her on a human level. You don't know why she doesn't get along with her brother, but you know she doesn't. If you named your child after him, you would humiliate her and cause her pain every day of her life. Is it just because you think a name is pretty? Do you want to show her who's boss? Or are you just out for revenge?

IntermittentParps · 18/11/2021 13:25

You don't know why she doesn't get along with her brother,
The OP has gone over and over this Confused
The fuck is wrong with some people?

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 13:27

@PrincessNutella please actually read my posts.

The OP likes those THE BEST. Why on earth should she not get to use the name she likes the best for a beloved baby?

Yes! I strongly feel this. There a few other names I COULD use but I don’t really see why I should have to settle

@JanetheObscure you make an excellent point. I really need further discussion with DH to see if this is just him not wanting to rock the boat or if he’s actually uncomfortable. It’s very unclear from discussions we’ve had as he’s very much an avoider and likes an easy life, to the point of being silly but I know he does really like the name. Also we would pronounce it differently

OP posts:
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/11/2021 13:27

@IntermittentParps

Thank you! I always at least read OP updates on threads so it’s very frustrating when people don’t do the same

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 18/11/2021 13:28

@Spanielsarepainless

I agree with other posters who say go ahead with your adored name, as sooner or later you'll get the bum's rush from her.
Yes this is a really good point. If MIL has form for cutting you out/cutting her DB out etc then it's just a matter of time before she goes NC with you again.

Why name your child to suit her when she's so flakey? Seriously fuck her.

The main issue really is DH.

Notyouraveragecupofcoffee · 18/11/2021 13:32

Only you and your partner get to decide on the name. That's it, really.

And considering she's just being a fanny, because she's fallen out with her parents and siblings (that says it all, really. Doesn't it?) I wouldn't give her the time of day.

If you decide against the name because of her, you'll resent her for the rest of your life. Is that worth more or less than her throwing a hissy fit?

Catra · 18/11/2021 13:33

When I was pregnant I loved Aubrey for a girl and DH loved George for a boy. However, I vetoed them both when I made the connection that George was the name of my Dad's estranged father who abandoned the family for another woman and Aubrey was the name of the child he had while cheating on my Dad's mother. Because George had died before I was born the connection wasn't immediately obvious to me but the more I thought about it, the more I realised how much it would hurt my Dad. DH and I went back to the drawing board and eventually found names we loved as much with no negative associations.

I know your situation is different from mine because a) your MIL is demanding that you change the name and b) she hasn't always been kind to you, but I'd only use the name of her estranged brother if between now and when the baby is born you've wracked your brains and you can't think of anything else that's a 10/10 name to you.

Notonthestairs · 18/11/2021 13:33

MIL isn't just flakey - she didn't attend her sons wedding. Talk about painful and humiliating!

I'd never do anything to be unkind to somebody who treated me and my family well but fat chance of that for someone who cuts family members off at the drop of a hat.

But I agree your DH is the one that matters. Whatever happens I hope you find a name you both love.

1forAll74 · 18/11/2021 13:39

I would ignore her, and her stupid view points.. She really should have no input regarding your choice of a baby name.. It really amazes me, when you hear about these nitpicking and weird attitudes within families. Someone getting upset, and uncomfortable about a name, that a Mum likes and wan'ts to choose, is the pits and so stupid.

Yearonebesties · 18/11/2021 13:41

Astonished at any response that isn’t ‘name the baby wheatever you want!’

  • this is your favourite name
  • you don’t have a good relationship with mil
  • she has no grounds for having an issue with her brother
  • she’s proven herself to be not so great
  • how would you feel if you didn’t use your preferred name and she later cut you off?