Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

@friendlycat

But you’ve also said your DH isn’t that keen on the abbreviated name but in your words “would have to suck it up”.

Therefore your DH isn’t fully on board with the name is he?

Would it not be much better all round to pick a name that both you and DH both like?

That's only a problem if they had to use the abbreviated name because of MIL.

@Inertia

You can never eliminate the drama with people like this. Appease her over the baby name, and she’ll find something else to attack you for, e.g. feeding choices.

Use the name you want. Set your boundaries.

Exactly this. It's Whack-A-Mole when you're dealing with people who make it their mission to find things to be offended about.

When she refused to come to your wedding and all the other stuff, she presumably knew that the upshot of that could have been that you went NC? Lots of people would have done.

So she was prepared to sacrifice a relationship with you and her son over her own feelings, and it's only through your forgiveness that there is a relationship to even consider.

And instead of appreciating that, she's taken it as a sign that she can exert control over you and the expectation that she will be accommodated. I wouldn't want to continue that trend over something you feel this strongly about.

^^ exactly as @IntermittentParps said!

My mother has an ‘aversion’ (as she puts it) to my daughters name. Makes her feel sick, but ultimately that’s HER problem not mine.

OP if you love the name and your husband loves the name, just give your child the name that you both love. If she’s offended/ upset/ triggered then ultimately it’s HER problem, not yours.

Big mistake here was ever allowing her to think she had some sort of sway/ influence over the decision.

@DysmalRadius

When she refused to come to your wedding and all the other stuff, she presumably knew that the upshot of that could have been that you went NC? Lots of people would have done.

So she was prepared to sacrifice a relationship with you and her son over her own feelings, and it's only through your forgiveness that there is a relationship to even consider.

And instead of appreciating that, she's taken it as a sign that she can exert control over you and the expectation that she will be accommodated. I wouldn't want to continue that trend over something you feel this strongly about.

This in spades.

But you’ve also said your DH isn’t that keen on the abbreviated name but in your words “would have to suck it up

That’s not what I said. I said he’s not keen on the other variant of the name. Eg the Benjimen instead of benedict in the example given. He likes the uncle’s version better

I’ve spoken to DH (over the phone as he’s away for the weekend) and I’m feeling very annoyed. We basically can’t use the name. He’s now saying HE would feel uncomfortable with it, despite having had a wonderful relationships with his uncle until his mother went NC with that side of the family. Despite saying before this pregnancy he loves the name.

I personally think he just doesn’t want to have an argument with his mother so there we go.

Can’t really be bothered to uphold the secrecy re the name anymore as I’m feeling extremely petty so to anyone who has come this far; uncle is called Raphael. Second choice name is Rafferty (which DH thinks is silly). Uncle pronounces it “Rafe-el” and we would pronounce it “Raff-aye-el” so I actually think of it as a pretty different name but never mind! Rafferty it is - DH will have to suck it up and he will be Rafe or Raffi anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. Much appreciated in my overly emotional and hormonal state. Has reopened cans of worms about MIL now and I feel very stroppy.

Also; I suggested about 200 names to DH. He came back with 1. 1. After vetoing all of mine. 🤬

What a fabulous name.

Not surprised that you have your heart set on it.

I think it blows Rafferty out of the water.

I do like Rafe as a stand alone name though.

Oh dear. I’m afraid I’d be showing him that an argument with me won’t be fun...

I tried to look at it from another perspective (in case there was good reason for not using the name) but I cannot abide cowardly men who can’t stand up to mummy. Ugh.

I don’t blame you for feeling stroppy.

What about Ralph? That way there’s no connection to either of the choices you had before and you get to call him the name you were going to anyway, just as his full name rather than a diminutive.

Lovely name, OP, but so is Rafe. It's beautiful, in fact, and more than fine as a full name, not an abbreviation. You don't need Rafferty if you don't want to and I bet the baby looks just like a Rare when he emerges .

Rafe, not Rare.

Though I am sure he will be rare as well!

Oh OP I feel for you! That’s one of my all time favourite boys names, lot better than Rafferty.

Rafi as a stand alone name is lovely though, in Arabic it means sublime❤️

I wouldn’t as it’s child’s great uncle so named after him yet no contact. Also I know you say no reason for rift but usually no smoke without fire. Could there be reasons mil hasn’t shared like childhood sexual abuse.

We can’t do Rafe because our surname begins with an F and the two together do NOT sound good (total mouthful)

I did suggest Ralph but DH said it would remind him of Ralph Wiggum from the simpsons…

"We can’t do Rafe because our surname begins with an F and the two together do NOT sound good (total mouthful)"

Ralph Fiennes seems to have managed OK!

I really love Raphael, Rafferty AND Rafe!
But I think your DH is being pathetic.

@diddl

Please trust me it just doesn’t work with our specific surname!

Who watches the Simpsons now! Ralph is a great name.

@Disfordarkchocolate

DH is a bit of a die hard fan but that doesn’t matter so much. It’s more that as much as I love Ralph/Rafe, they aren’t Raphael. I also love Rafferty but ditto.

Rafferty is lovely prefer it to one of the turtles!

Go with Raphael if you love it, especially if relative's name has a different pronunciation. It sounds different, it's a different name.

You can always say he's named after the artist.

I agree with you that Raphael and Rafferty are very different names, irrespective of whether you end up with Rafe as a nickname.

It must have been an unusual name in DH uncle's generation !

I prefer Rafferty, but that’s beside the point. Your MIL sounds like a petty woman, and it’s disappointing that your DH lets her get away with it, and makes you pander to her

Just looking back, your husband's uncle pronounces his name with "Rafe" at the beginning?

Is he known as Rafe at all?

Essentially you want the same name, but of course it wouldn't sound the same & less likely perhaps to lead to a nickname of Rafe?

Could you tell everyone he's called the nickname and just keep the full name out of it for a while?