Does MIL have the right to veto baby name?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Context:

Relationship with MIL is at an all time high snd we get on well/she’s good with children but there’s a backstory of her missing our wedding on the day as she didn’t approve of me/not speaking to us for months on end over small things and being generally v difficult.

Here’s the issue:
I’m pregnant with #3. Have used all the baby names we like up for boys on the first 2 (typically 😬). There is one name I absolutely adore but it’s the name of DH’s uncle. MIL does not speak to her brother (or any of that side of the family) and has said we can’t use it as it would make her uncomfortable. There’s is another name with the same nickname we can use but it’s nowhere near as nice. To be clear; her brother has not done anything wrong/I’ve met him he’s a nice man. And the family haven’t done anything “wrong” it’s very much a tit for tat situation and a mixture of difficult characters and no one willing to move forward.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this, but I’m in 2 minds. I don’t want to be a dick snd I don’t want to wage some sort of war over this but equally I feel a bit pissed off as the baby will be known by a nickname anyway this is just for a beautiful formal name, and does she really have the right to do this?! I wouldn’t mind as much if she had always been loving and supportive or even would appreciate what I feel is a bit of a sacrifice but she hasn’t and she won’t!

Would love everyone’s thoughts please and I’m sorry for the length of this post/don’t know what’s reasonable anymore!

I think you should name your baby whatever you and dh want to!

I agree she will get in a huff with you in the future over stupid things so I wouldn’t bother trying to please her.

DH says he’s not willing to go to the bat on this,

I'd follow DH lead here - mainly as I'd be worried she has form for being very petty and I'd worry that would put the child in the firing line and it doesn't sound like going NC is on the cards.

I'd also get DH on side about not dicsussing or getting drawn into any discussion about possible names - even turning this one down. This is a big one contol information flow more generally what people don't know about they can't get worked up about and stop happening.

Howver I don't doubt she dick you about at a future point - but if you couldn't even name your child what you wanted - and hopefully you find something you like more - I'd point that out every time and the wedding drama - and ask when it's going to be enough.

If you really can't find another boys name you actaully both like and not having the name you want will daily grate with you then TBH there's always going to be something so in that case get DH on side first and have the name you want.

But I'd look really hard to avoid landing unborn child with this to deal with growing up and all the additional drama this woman could make about it.

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]**@AmyDudley

Very thought provoking post, thank you x[/quote]
@AmyDudley has it spot on. If it’s not the name, it will be something else.

Are there only two names that could be shortened this way? Just wondering if there is another long form that you might really like eg Theo can be short for Theodore, Theobald, Theodoric, Theophilus, etc

Do you mind me asking how old your MiL is? The reason being is that if she is in her late 80's or 90's, she clearly won't be around for many more years but your child will and will have a name that they may not like being called, all because someone who is no longer with you made a demand that they are called X and you wanted them to be called Y.

If she is younger, then I would definitely do as an earlier person suggested - register the birth under the name you want but from day 1 call them the shortened version of that name that your MiL doesn't seem to have any objections to. You will know the full name, your DH will know it too and so will your son. Your MiL will be blissful in her ignorance of the whole situation.

I'd worry that would put the child in the firing line and it doesn't sound like going NC is on the cards

But if she was actually going to be unkind to my child based on his name she would not be seeing him/that would be her own fault.

I guess the crux of the issue is “how far would you be willing to go/what sacrifices would you be willing to make for someone who had really, really hurt you?”

Things are good between us now (as good as they can be, anyway) so I wouldn’t do this unless it was important to me but I don’t really see why I should do something to please her that in my opinion is above and beyond.

Will have to chat to DH.

Unfortunately there are no other options for this name.

MIL is v young

You could also ask yourself how would you feel if you chose another name to keep the peace but MIL finds another reason to fall out with you at a later date?

I sympathise OP.
Ordinarily I'd say go for it. She has no rights and hasn't earned enough goodwill from you to allow her a veto.
But your DH isn't happy to use the name. So that would be the end of discussion for me.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I'd worry that would put the child in the firing line and it doesn't sound like going NC is on the cards

But if she was actually going to be unkind to my child based on his name she would not be seeing him/that would be her own fault.

I guess the crux of the issue is “how far would you be willing to go/what sacrifices would you be willing to make for someone who had really, really hurt you?”

Things are good between us now (as good as they can be, anyway) so I wouldn’t do this unless it was important to me but I don’t really see why I should do something to please her that in my opinion is above and beyond.

Will have to chat to DH.

Unfortunately there are no other options for this name.

you aren't doing it for her. You are doing it for your DH and your marriage. Its just a name. When he get older he might change it entirely.

But if she was actually going to be unkind to my child based on his name she would not be seeing him/that would be her own fault.

Easier done when DH is on board with that - much harder when they're not completely or it's not clear cut or small petty easily dissmissed shit IME that you end up running interference for but still gets notice by child and occasionlly spouse.

On MN it's all go NC - my child wouldn't be see them in reality it's usually more complex especially if they seem to enjoy causing issues in the marriage or stoking sibling rivalry in DGP - though here I grant you the MIL isn't coming across as subtle.

If OP knows her DH will go NC or let his kids go NC with her - then that's much eaiser to just say okay she behaves or we walk and the name thing is then much easier if it's not so clear and she already not attended their wedding but is still in their lives - I'd be more wary.

I just wouldn’t want my newborn beautiful baby associated with negativity, even if its association is a Name.

I also would not want my DH caught up in the drama. Personally I would just pick another name. Not in a who wins way, but more that I would want my innocent lovely new baby surrounded by positive vibes and absolutely nothing negative.

how far would you be willing to go/what sacrifices would you be willing to make for someone who had really, really hurt you?

No, the crux of the issue is, how much are you willing to risk your son bearing the brunt of MIL’s upset (no matter how pointless you think it is)

Not a risk I would want to take with my child.

Do your children have two "first" names?

If so, could you use an 8/10 choice for the first, and then this preferred 10/10 choice for the middle name-and use the middle name daily?

Otherwise, I'm very much with your mother - tell MIL to stuff it!

She may then try to play your children off against each other, though - favouring the two who have "acceptable" names. If that happens you will have to be firm and not allow her to buy/give/promise better gifts etc to the older two, and nothing/bit of plastic tat to your third.

You may even have to go NC if this happens, or it will cause a LOT of sibling rivalry and ruin their relationships. (Speaking with the voice of bitter experience)

I wouldn't use the name. There are lots of nice names and once your son is here what ever you choose will become part of their identity. I wouldn't want to upset such a close family member for the sake of just a name .

You can never eliminate the drama with people like this. Appease her over the baby name, and she’ll find something else to attack you for, e.g. feeding choices.

Use the name you want. Set your boundaries.

I wouldn't discuss it any further with Mil it really is none of her business what you name the child.
I had a different issue in that the only name I wanted my husband hated so I just left any further discussion until after my baby was born (but secretly spent my whole time stressing). When he arrived I realised that the love I had for him did not change in any way based on his name so we went with something I really would only have given an 6/10 (the name I wanted was a 20/10). I couldn't imagine him with any other name a few months down the line. I now look back and really regret the time I wasted stressing over a name.
So long story short, leave it until the baby is here.

The problem is that by naming your child after the brother you’re taking a side in the argument, whether you see it that way or not.

You’re making it clear to your MIL (and everyone else) that you think she’s being petty and her brother hasn’t done anything wrong. I know that you really think this, but it’s understandable for MIL to be upset.

I think it’s weird to name a child after an estranged relative and causes unnecessary drama. Plenty of other names out there.

She's named her children she dosent get a say in what you name hers. She sounds like hard work by not coming to your wedding and by not speaking to her brother so I'm sure she'll have a problem with whatever name you pick unless she's chosen jt herself

My DC their 4 GP only like DD2 firstname - my DPs only like 2 out of 5 GC names - they weren't consult or they were told after birth and I thik they were all registered quickly - it was a done deal so while they felt need to tell us - they rapidly adjusted.

So I'm not saying grandparents get to veto names as I clearly don't think that but having given the opening for feedback - OP now has to think through all implications of using name they want.

If OP is daily annoyed vs MIL reaction possibly focusing on DGC - that's something only OP and her DH can actually weigh up and also one who will have to live with the outcome.

I'd suggest sitting down with DH doing a deep dive of boy's names see if there really is another one you possibly like more - and if not having a very frank talk about how you both feel- then if you still can't agree wait till after the birth and see how you both feel then.

In meantime get DH to agree not to dicuss it with anyone else - if people don't know they can't put their two cents worth in.

But you’ve also said your DH isn’t that keen on the abbreviated name but in your words “would have to suck it up”.

Therefore your DH isn’t fully on board with the name is he?

Would it not be much better all round to pick a name that both you and DH both like?

@withgraceinmyheart

The problem is that by naming your child after the brother you’re taking a side in the argument, whether you see it that way or not.

You’re making it clear to your MIL (and everyone else) that you think she’s being petty and her brother hasn’t done anything wrong. I know that you really think this, but it’s understandable for MIL to be upset.

I think it’s weird to name a child after an estranged relative and causes unnecessary drama. Plenty of other names out there.

Why do people assume the baby would be named 'after' the brother. They would have the same name, with the baby known by a nickname. My son's middle name is the same name as my brother in law. That's all there is to it, no more no less.

I'd call him it anyway but always refer to him using his nickname (as you said that would be the case anyway!) The birth certificate can have THE name on it and just don't discuss it!

It's funny people saying that there are thousands of other names out there.

True, of course, but when my husband & I were thinking of names for our first, we could only find one boys name & one girls name that we both really liked.

When it came to our second, they were the other sex which was handy as we hadn't thought of a name to replace the name used for our first should we have the same sex again.

I'm sure that we could have found a name, but whether or not we would have both really loved it, who knows?