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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to remove DD from this childminder?

392 replies

Grabmygran · 17/11/2021 12:00

DD is 14 months old. She gets all excited about fruit and yoghurt so I really don’t see any need to give her anything else sugary. I have told childminder this and she has continued to give her sweet things - e.g a donut, a lemon curd sandwich, a chocolate biscuit. There is always a reason such as ‘oh I didn’t think you’d mind as it was X’s birthday and all the other kids had one’. Every time I have repeated that she isn’t to have anything like that. It’s more the not listening to me that worries me than what she’s eaten. I’m well aware a bit of chocolate won’t harm her but she doesn’t need it! On her birthday she happily munched on some raspberries while the rest of us had her cake. I’ve sorted out a new childminder and she won’t be going back but have I overreacted?! Should I tell her why I have removed DD?

OP posts:
ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 17/11/2021 13:46

Sorry just to clarify was about children's dental health, lots with rotten baby teeth having to get them all removed.

Grabmygran · 17/11/2021 13:47

@Viviennemary

If its once in a while like a birthday then you over reacted. You tucked into cake while she ate raspberries. Nice way to set up your child early for eating disorders and food obsessions.
Oh yes. While she was kicking her feet, giggling and smushing raspberries into her mouth I’m sure she was just masking her pain.
OP posts:
ancientgran · 17/11/2021 13:48

@usernamealreadytaken

If you want to change CM then I would let her know why.

Just a slight word of caution - I thought I was doing absolutely the right thing when mine were younger; fruit and other "healthy" things for snacks, the occasional sweet treat or fizzy drink as they got older. I now have two who swig down Monster/Red Bull like it's going out of fashion, and one who would live on sweets and fast food given half a chance. They both say they are making up for lost time because they weren't allowed when they were younger :-(

Mine were allowed anything we were having, they still eat some sweet things but not much, never see any of them with a fizzy drink. I think I should have let them have alcohol as they all like a drink. (tee totaller who can't see the attraction although I grew up on licensed premises and was allowed to try alcohol at an early age.)

I didn't ban alcohol, we just didn't have it in the house as we didn't drink.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 17/11/2021 13:48

@Starcaller

Yeah I suppose it just think it's odd as our philosophy is that we all eat and share food together and that DD is just as much a part of this family as the rest of us, so if we are all eating cake then she will be offered it too. It just seems like good manners to me, I suppose!

I do find it really weird you would go to the effort of a birthday cake and then not let her have any.
It just seems a bit pointless. Part of the fun of DD's first birthday was seeing her eating some of her cake! But we've always been relaxed about food I suppose!

She's a baby. She might not even be able to walk yet! And you think she's not part of the family because she didn't eat cake. Oh my god!!

My kids eat what we eat. We always eat together. But when they were babies, who sat in high chairs and couldn't walk or talk or use cutlery I didn't let them eat cake.

Quick, call social services this baby is being denied sugar and butter in large quantities.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 17/11/2021 13:50

No matter what the concerns you have with a childcare provider are once you lose trust in them, no matter how small, then you need to find someone new.

They are looking after your children in your absence, you need to be 1000% in support of their methods and their capabilities otherwise you'll spend every waking moment doubting what kind of care your child is receiving.

If this is a deal breaker for you it's a deal breaker for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Your child, your choice.

ancientgran · 17/11/2021 13:52

@Coronawireless

My friend is a paediatric dentist who often wonders about the mindset of parents who give their very young children sugar all the time so that they end up coming in for extractions. I’ll refer her to this thread!
I breastfed one of mine till 3. The other all weaned before one. He was the only one with any problems with his teeth, not that he had extractions. Dentist told me it was common with children who breastfeed for longer than average. I don't know if it is true but don't know why he'd lie to me.
Triffid1 · 17/11/2021 13:52

@Gliderx

School puddings are very low in sugar and would be very unexciting for an adult to eat.

The most exciting puddings my DS is served at nursery are rice pudding with fruit or fruit/veg oaty bites.

Completely different from sugary supermarket doughnuts.

I'd agree different to sugary supermarket donuts, definitely. But not convinced overall - I think schools do allow more than you'd expect. Which in itself isn't a huge problem but as PP have pointed out, can be annoying when you stick a single mini oreo in and they have a melt down.

I think the main way the school gets away with it is that they are small portions. So a chocolate chip cookie was dessert yesterday at our, for example, but I don't think it was one of these massive ones. And I notice they don't even itemise dessert on the menu.

Kanaloa · 17/11/2021 13:53

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby

Sorry just to clarify was about children's dental health, lots with rotten baby teeth having to get them all removed.
Yes I saw that documentary or a similar one. It seemed that most of the children were sleeping with baby bottles of milk or eating very high sugar foods at every meal and not brushing teeth regularly.

I don’t think any of them had multiple extractions after a piece of cake or a biscuit at birthday celebrations.

Starcaller · 17/11/2021 13:53

🤷‍♀️ I think it's odd. That's my opinion. This is a discussion forum. I didn't say anything about social services or it being cruel. I just think it was weird thing to do, that's all.

MollysDolly · 17/11/2021 13:53

@MrsFin

I think it's a bit mean to say your DD can't have a birthday treat when another child at the CM has a birthday. "Lemon curd tarts for everyone, but sorry grabmygran's daughter, you're not allowed. Have an apple"
This
ancientgran · 17/11/2021 13:54

Looks like the dentist was telling the truth. Wish I'd known.

edition.cnn.com/2017/06/30/health/breastfeeding-cavities-dental-health-study/index.html

TrufflesAndToast · 17/11/2021 13:55

People gnashing and wailing that the poor baby is being deprived of sugary cake on its birthday illustrate exactly why there is an obesity epidemic in this country. It’s astounding that people apparently can’t understand that there is nothing cruel about not offering a baby a treat food that’s bad for them if they have no idea it exists or any desire to have any. The adults that feel like that are projecting feelings onto a baby that simply don’t exist.

And if you make any effort to give babies and toddlers a good healthy start in life, accepting that of course they will discover a moderate amount of sugar in their own time, but not pushing it on them before necessary, you’re painted as an irrational loon with an eating disorder.

So depressing.

Shallwegoforawalk · 17/11/2021 13:56

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

Why are people so upset about a 1 year old not being allowed cake? They're 1. They aren't going to miss it and they're not going to grow up traumatised by no cake on their first birthday.

It's fine to change childminder OP. The childminder has to suit your needs.

Yes this ^ all those ranting about the OP not letting her child have cake - the kid was one year old!! She won't know or miss it.

You're doing the right thing OP.

MzHz · 17/11/2021 13:57

I'm usually the last to agree with too much control and angst over what parents give their kids to eat or deny from them because it usually backfires and the kids go mental and can't control themselves when they get to choose (My DN, for 2 examples) but your little one is only 14m old!

I didnt let my DS eat too much crap when we lived abroad, the idiot locals are pretty infamous for being unhealthy eaters and arrogant too, so would constantly try to give DS crap. The arguments I'd had with STRANGERS trying to give my DS a packet of crisps!

Your little one doesn't need all that crap all the time, no, a bit here and there with a good reason is fine, but your childminder is in the wrong.

That's an area you can agree to disagree on, my issue with this is that you have been really clear about things, and your 'instructions' for want of a better word have been clear and she is ignoring them. You're right to move her to another childminder

Up to you if you tell her and give her the honest feedback, but tbh, she's not bright enough to have understood what you told her before, so her spin on it will be "Oh @Grabmygran is so unfair, she's sacked me cos i gave her DD a chockkie bickkie."

Just say that you have found a childminder that suits your family better and thanks for all her efforts thus far...

HeartsAndClubs · 17/11/2021 13:58

You lost me at the point where you all tucked into her birthday cake and gave her raspberries..

Nothing wrong with not wanting your child to have cake. But given it was her birthday, if she wasn’t going to have cake, then no-one should have had any.

And at what point will she be allowed cake? When she has a younger sibling who isn’t allowed so she can gloat and tell them she’s allowed and they’re not? Or are you never going to let her have any and make her feel as if she’s different to the rest of the family while you all tuck into a cake on her behalf after letting her blow out the candles?

MsTSwift · 17/11/2021 14:00

As a late teen I nannied for some children who weren’t allowed sugar. They were thin and weedy and would have melt downs in the corner shops as they were desperate for sweets. One ended up a drug dealer despite them being a very upper middle class family.

Coronawireless · 17/11/2021 14:02

@MsTSwift

As a late teen I nannied for some children who weren’t allowed sugar. They were thin and weedy and would have melt downs in the corner shops as they were desperate for sweets. One ended up a drug dealer despite them being a very upper middle class family.
Yes I’m sure the drug dealing was a direct result of not having had enough sweets as a child.
00100001 · 17/11/2021 14:04

There's is a middle ground between no sugar and all the sugar.

Grabmygran · 17/11/2021 14:04

@MsTSwift

As a late teen I nannied for some children who weren’t allowed sugar. They were thin and weedy and would have melt downs in the corner shops as they were desperate for sweets. One ended up a drug dealer despite them being a very upper middle class family.
Ok. Will watch out for potential future drug dealing. Thanks for the heads up.
OP posts:
Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 17/11/2021 14:04

@MsTSwift

As a late teen I nannied for some children who weren’t allowed sugar. They were thin and weedy and would have melt downs in the corner shops as they were desperate for sweets. One ended up a drug dealer despite them being a very upper middle class family.
Yes. I knew a family who didn't allow their 1 year old to eat cake. She grew up pale and became a prostitute.
Anxiousmummy87 · 17/11/2021 14:04

I’m childminder, and that’s a lot of sugar! We have to follow healthy eating at the minute too with the new eyfs. Low sugar etc.

notsurewhattheproblemis · 17/11/2021 14:05

@MsTSwift your comment just made me laugh..! Obviously I'm sorry for the kid that turned into a drug dealer, but I don't think the lack of sweets as a child caused that...😆
Im with @TrufflesAndToast - this thread is insane but mildly entertaining.
I & other adults there drank Prosecco at my youngest's 1st birthday - as we were celebrating getting through a tough year (lockdown etc) as well as bday. Will my DD now turn into an alcoholic as she saw us having AND ENJOYING the Prosecco but I didn't let her have it?! 🙈🤣🤣

Atozofpoodles · 17/11/2021 14:05

Your child, your rules. As you have said, its not down to the treats, its not listening to you/respecting your decisions. You know soon, you will have to let dd join in though?

Atozofpoodles · 17/11/2021 14:06

I’d tell her why too

TrufflesAndToast · 17/11/2021 14:06

@HeartsAndClubs

You lost me at the point where you all tucked into her birthday cake and gave her raspberries..

Nothing wrong with not wanting your child to have cake. But given it was her birthday, if she wasn’t going to have cake, then no-one should have had any.

And at what point will she be allowed cake? When she has a younger sibling who isn’t allowed so she can gloat and tell them she’s allowed and they’re not? Or are you never going to let her have any and make her feel as if she’s different to the rest of the family while you all tuck into a cake on her behalf after letting her blow out the candles?

Genuinely, why do you think the adults shouldn’t have had cake when the baby neither knows nor cares? Why would depriving adults of a treat have benefitted anyone? The Op has clearly stated that the baby was very happy with her raspberries and has no idea what cake is….I’m really struggling to understand why you think everyone else should have missed out on cake because of some weird and unfounded guilt while the baby sits there happily munching her raspberries. Please could you explain because I’m genuinely stumped trying to understand your logic.

The Op has also clearly stated that her older child has naturally discovered sweet treats and been allowed them in moderation as she got older and the same will happen with her baby. Your last paragraph is actually really weird - you’re ignoring what the OP has very clearly explained about how things will evolve down the line and almost accusing her of some weird abuse.

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