AIBU to remove DD from this childminder?

[Grabmygran]

DD is 14 months old. She gets all excited about fruit and yoghurt so I really don’t see any need to give her anything else sugary. I have told childminder this and she has continued to give her sweet things - e.g a donut, a lemon curd sandwich, a chocolate biscuit. There is always a reason such as ‘oh I didn’t think you’d mind as it was X’s birthday and all the other kids had one’. Every time I have repeated that she isn’t to have anything like that. It’s more the not listening to me that worries me than what she’s eaten. I’m well aware a bit of chocolate won’t harm her but she doesn’t need it! On her birthday she happily munched on some raspberries while the rest of us had her cake. I’ve sorted out a new childminder and she won’t be going back but have I overreacted?! Should I tell her why I have removed DD?

@MsTSwift

As a late teen I nannied for some children who weren’t allowed sugar. They were thin and weedy and would have melt downs in the corner shops as they were desperate for sweets. One ended up a drug dealer despite them being a very upper middle class family.

What has the lack of sweets or being upper middle class got to do with them dealing drugs?

Loving the suggestions that it was odd to have a cake at all and we should just have served everyone raspberries. Because that wouldn’t be odd either

I think it would have been much less odd!

“Lily is a bit little for cake at the moment so we’re going to have a fruit platter instead because raspberries are her favourite”

vs

“Lily is a bit little for cake still. So we’ll get a chocolate cake for her guests while she has some raspberries”

It reminds me slightly of something that happened to me a few years ago. I’m dairy free (through choice admittedly) so I can’t eat the majority of ‘standard’ cakes. In one job I worked in one of my colleagues brought in a cake for my birthday… that she knew full well I couldn’t/wouldn’t eat. She actually said “I’ve baked a cake for your birthday” and then when I said how kind that was she said “oh it’s got butter in so you can’t eat it, but everyone else can!”.

I still can’t quite believe it now

I would change childminder though. She’s not listening to what you’re telling her.

I can't believe the amount of people who are outraged that a baby didn't get given cake (that they had no interest in anyway)!

My twins are 21 months old and never have had cake/biscuits etc.
On their first birthday, I didn't bother getting a cake, since I don't like sweet things, so it would just have got thrown out.

Some family came over for their birthday, so I got a small cheesecake, so we'd have something to stick a candle in to sing Happy Birthday. I've no idea who had cheesecake versus strawberries (which the babies tucked into).

The attitude that cake is a treat, is weird to me. An early reply was "the family eating cake while only allowing the birthday girl fruit". This puts a hierarchy on food, with cake being seen as higher (more desirable) and fruit less desirable.
Not everyone feels like that - I'd see it as the lucky girl eating delicious fresh raspberries, while the rest have to make do with a claggy, sugary cake.

(Fwiw, I'm not a health nut. I hate anything sweet, but love salty stuff like crisps).

@HeartsAndClubs

You lost me at the point where you all tucked into her birthday cake and gave her raspberries..

Nothing wrong with not wanting your child to have cake. But given it was her birthday, if she wasn’t going to have cake, then no-one should have had any.

And at what point will she be allowed cake? When she has a younger sibling who isn’t allowed so she can gloat and tell them she’s allowed and they’re not? Or are you never going to let her have any and make her feel as if she’s different to the rest of the family while you all tuck into a cake on her behalf after letting her blow out the candles?

It's really not the point.

NHS England emphasise processed sugar and salt should be limited to children whilst they're still babies - as the OP's DD is.

According to the NHS website -
'Remember, your baby does not need salt or sugar added to their food or cooking water. Babies shouldn't eat salt as it isn't good for their kidneys and sugar can cause tooth decay.'

Most babies are still teething at 12 months, sugar should stay limited during this process as it can weaken the teeth coming through and decay milk teeth when they first appear.

It's usually advised to limit their exposure to both sugar and salt until around the age of two. Not giving the baby cake really isn't the atrocious act of aggression people are thinking it is.

It's the OP following recommended government guidelines.

@MsTSwift

As a late teen I nannied for some children who weren’t allowed sugar. They were thin and weedy and would have melt downs in the corner shops as they were desperate for sweets. One ended up a drug dealer despite them being a very upper middle class family.

Mumsnet at its finest

@HeartsAndClubs

You lost me at the point where you all tucked into her birthday cake and gave her raspberries..

Nothing wrong with not wanting your child to have cake. But given it was her birthday, if she wasn’t going to have cake, then no-one should have had any.

And at what point will she be allowed cake? When she has a younger sibling who isn’t allowed so she can gloat and tell them she’s allowed and they’re not? Or are you never going to let her have any and make her feel as if she’s different to the rest of the family while you all tuck into a cake on her behalf after letting her blow out the candles?

I’ve said a few times now that she’ll be allowed cake when she’s older. I can’t remember when older DD started eating things like cake but I do recall her eating her 2nd birthday cake so I’m unlikely be force feeding DD raspberries into her teens

I don't think it's mean at all that OPS dd can't have cake/biscuit. At 14mo they don't know any better. They don't take things personally like we adults do. What about children who have allergies then? Most of the time they can't have what others are having anyway! Are they being scarred for life? They have the rest of their lives to eat all the sweets they want, there's no need to introduce them to it at such a young age.

I can't believe people are piling on about not giving a one year old birthday cake! My one year old didn't have any of hers either. She didn't mind - she's one and doesn't even know what cake is yet!

I think it's fair enough saying you don't want your child eating sugary food all day everyday and it's fair to end childcare arrangements if the person you are paying to look after your child isn't following your instructions.

I don't agree with buying a birthday cake for your child's birthday and then not allowing her to have any, yet everyone else tucking in? You are making foods "forbidden" for your child yet eating them yourself in front of them, how to cause an eating disorder! It just reminds me of a good friend I met at uni, she told us as a child her mum used to take birthday cake away and remove the icing as she wasn't allowed to eat it. The reason we found this out was because she was still doing it as an adult. My friend has also suffered from bulimia since she was a teen. Weird food rules encourage dysfunctional relationships with food. You teach moderation and a healthy relationships with food. You don't eat birthday cake everyday, it's a treat to be enjoyed.

@Nearthelooplease

Loving the suggestions that it was odd to have a cake at all and we should just have served everyone raspberries. Because that wouldn’t be odd either

I think it would have been much less odd!

“Lily is a bit little for cake at the moment so we’re going to have a fruit platter instead because raspberries are her favourite”

vs

“Lily is a bit little for cake still. So we’ll get a chocolate cake for her guests while she has some raspberries”

It reminds me slightly of something that happened to me a few years ago. I’m dairy free (through choice admittedly) so I can’t eat the majority of ‘standard’ cakes. In one job I worked in one of my colleagues brought in a cake for my birthday… that she knew full well I couldn’t/wouldn’t eat. She actually said “I’ve baked a cake for your birthday” and then when I said how kind that was she said “oh it’s got butter in so you can’t eat it, but everyone else can!”.

I still can’t quite believe it now

I would change childminder though. She’s not listening to what you’re telling her.

Yes, your grown up adult birthday with your grown up adult mind is the same as a baby who has no fucking clue what's going on!

Wow she didn’t even get a nibble of her own birthday cake. That seems so mean. By all means don’t buy a cake and celebrate with raspberries but for everyone else to enjoy cake apart from the birthday girl seems crazy to me. You will look back one day and realise how crazy that was but she is your child and your childminder should defo listen to what you ask of her.

@Nearthelooplease you know that you are an adult and the OP is talking about a baby, right? There is a difference...🤦‍♀️

@WheelieBinPrincess

I’m sorry but now I can’t get over the image of her eating a bowl of raspberries while you all tuck into her birthday cake 😂

Same, poor kid 😬 I’m all for not giving them too much sugar but one day when she has a choice she’s going to go crazy and eat the sugar she can lay her little fingers on. Also fruit does contain sugar, strawberries contain quite a lot. A balanced diet is much better than cutting out one food type.

I understand that you're frustrated with the childminder that she's not listening to you but I think you're being a bit extreme. Sitting there eating cake while she has berries is ridiculous. Get real.

@TrufflesAndToast

People gnashing and wailing that the poor baby is being deprived of sugary cake on its birthday illustrate exactly why there is an obesity epidemic in this country. It’s astounding that people apparently can’t understand that there is nothing cruel about not offering a baby a treat food that’s bad for them if they have no idea it exists or any desire to have any. The adults that feel like that are projecting feelings onto a baby that simply don’t exist.

And if you make any effort to give babies and toddlers a good healthy start in life, accepting that of course they will discover a moderate amount of sugar in their own time, but not pushing it on them before necessary, you’re painted as an irrational loon with an eating disorder.

So depressing.

Couldn't have said this better myself.

I have brought up my children exactly same as OP. One is now in school and is offered a sweet dessert daily as well as children bringing in cakes/sweets for their birthdays plus sweet treats at parties. She is allowed to have exactly what her friends have and eats it all until she is content. Funnily enough, she has absolutely no recollection that she did not get to eat the cake for her first birthday or that she thought plain yoghurt and fresh fruit blended and frozen were real ice cream (and never had the real stuff before she turned 3).

Why did you bother to buy a birthday cake ? On one hand you are teaching your child that sugar is bad but being 2 faced and having cake yourself. Apply double standards and you will be in for a shed load of trouble in the years ahead

@JumparooSavedMyLife

I think it's fair enough saying you don't want your child eating sugary food all day everyday and it's fair to end childcare arrangements if the person you are paying to look after your child isn't following your instructions.

I don't agree with buying a birthday cake for your child's birthday and then not allowing her to have any, yet everyone else tucking in? You are making foods "forbidden" for your child yet eating them yourself in front of them, how to cause an eating disorder! It just reminds me of a good friend I met at uni, she told us as a child her mum used to take birthday cake away and remove the icing as she wasn't allowed to eat it. The reason we found this out was because she was still doing it as an adult. My friend has also suffered from bulimia since she was a teen. Weird food rules encourage dysfunctional relationships with food. You teach moderation and a healthy relationships with food. You don't eat birthday cake everyday, it's a treat to be enjoyed.

She's a baby. She won't know the difference. She will be allowed sugar and birthday cake when she's not a baby anymore.

She wasn't parading a cake around in front of a 6 year old. It's a baby. A baby. A baby with no clue what's going on!

@user1471604848

I can't believe the amount of people who are outraged that a baby didn't get given cake (that they had no interest in anyway)!

My twins are 21 months old and never have had cake/biscuits etc.
On their first birthday, I didn't bother getting a cake, since I don't like sweet things, so it would just have got thrown out.

Some family came over for their birthday, so I got a small cheesecake, so we'd have something to stick a candle in to sing Happy Birthday. I've no idea who had cheesecake versus strawberries (which the babies tucked into).

The attitude that cake is a treat, is weird to me. An early reply was "the family eating cake while only allowing the birthday girl fruit". This puts a hierarchy on food, with cake being seen as higher (more desirable) and fruit less desirable.
Not everyone feels like that - I'd see it as the lucky girl eating delicious fresh raspberries, while the rest have to make do with a claggy, sugary cake.

(Fwiw, I'm not a health nut. I hate anything sweet, but love salty stuff like crisps).

I’m sure if they were so hard done by with the claggy, sugary cake they could have eaten some raspberries instead?

What an odd spin to put on it.

OP I am with you, sounds like you're doing a fine job of feeding your children... I don't understand all the over-the-top criticism 🙄 but loving your replies 🤣🤣🤣

[quote notsurewhattheproblemis]@MsTSwift your comment just made me laugh..! Obviously I'm sorry for the kid that turned into a drug dealer, but I don't think the lack of sweets as a child caused that...😆
Im with @TrufflesAndToast - this thread is insane but mildly entertaining.
I & other adults there drank Prosecco at my youngest's 1st birthday - as we were celebrating getting through a tough year (lockdown etc) as well as bday. Will my DD now turn into an alcoholic as she saw us having AND ENJOYING the Prosecco but I didn't let her have it?! 🙈🤣🤣[/quote]

I’m reading this thread utterly slack jawed. Some of the absolutely bonkers stuff people are coming out with….are people really this loony?

THE BABY HASN’T GOT A FUCKING CLUE WHAT CAKE IS AND LOVED HER RASPBERRIES! SHE IS NEITHER SCARRED FOR LIFE NOR SET ON AN INEVITABLE PATH TO DRUG DEALING!

I despair.

I never ate my birthday cake as a kid. Raspberries were my favourite and that’s what I’d always have. I’m your daughter’s future. Just to warn you: I’m not a drug dealer

I am still similar with sugar. Don’t love it. Prefer savoury. Have great teeth.

@JumparooSavedMyLife

I think it's fair enough saying you don't want your child eating sugary food all day everyday and it's fair to end childcare arrangements if the person you are paying to look after your child isn't following your instructions.

I don't agree with buying a birthday cake for your child's birthday and then not allowing her to have any, yet everyone else tucking in? You are making foods "forbidden" for your child yet eating them yourself in front of them, how to cause an eating disorder! It just reminds me of a good friend I met at uni, she told us as a child her mum used to take birthday cake away and remove the icing as she wasn't allowed to eat it. The reason we found this out was because she was still doing it as an adult. My friend has also suffered from bulimia since she was a teen. Weird food rules encourage dysfunctional relationships with food. You teach moderation and a healthy relationships with food. You don't eat birthday cake everyday, it's a treat to be enjoyed.

Brilliant. Another reference to causing eating disorders because I didn’t give my baby cake on a birthday that she will never remember. I suppose it’s better than the poster who thinks she’ll become a drug dealer.

@LowlandLucky

Why did you bother to buy a birthday cake ? On one hand you are teaching your child that sugar is bad but being 2 faced and having cake yourself. Apply double standards and you will be in for a shed load of trouble in the years ahead

OP doesn't understand this.

If I wasn't going to give my baby a bit of their own birthday cake, I wouldn't have bothered buying one.

My first time on here and as a new grandmother ,I really feel the childminder should respect your decision on what is given to your child to eat under no circumstances should she be giving anything that you have not had a prior agreement about. My daughter in law finds it funny I ask every time my joy comes over what is allowed and I ask even before I buy give gifts .. You definitely made the right decision ,