AIBU to remove DD from this childminder?

[Grabmygran]

DD is 14 months old. She gets all excited about fruit and yoghurt so I really don’t see any need to give her anything else sugary. I have told childminder this and she has continued to give her sweet things - e.g a donut, a lemon curd sandwich, a chocolate biscuit. There is always a reason such as ‘oh I didn’t think you’d mind as it was X’s birthday and all the other kids had one’. Every time I have repeated that she isn’t to have anything like that. It’s more the not listening to me that worries me than what she’s eaten. I’m well aware a bit of chocolate won’t harm her but she doesn’t need it! On her birthday she happily munched on some raspberries while the rest of us had her cake. I’ve sorted out a new childminder and she won’t be going back but have I overreacted?! Should I tell her why I have removed DD?

Well I agree that babies don't need processed sugar and childminders shouldn't feed your baby food that you have specifically asked them not to.

I know a y6 child who still isn't allowed sugar - it seems a bit mean at that age.

I’m on the fence here. Childminder should of course listen to you but you also need to ask yourself at what age you are happy for her to have sugar.
Stopping her having cakes etc as she gets older for other children’s birthday parties just won’t work.

Children don’t know cake is desirable until they’ve had it! Mine were never interested until they’d had it quite a few times and definitely not at 14 months. They’re now much older and still don’t like very sugary food. I never banned it but they never developed an early taste for it so they’ll have a few bites of something very sweet but then leave it. I’d ditch her based on ignoring your requests anyway.

I'd do the same OP as clearly you can't trust her. It doesn't matter if she agrees with you or not. FWIW I think the PPs who imply you might give your 1 YEAR OLD an eating disorder from not giving her cake on her 1st bday are being rather over the top! She's 1, she had no idea what she's missing! My 2yo didn't even eat her piece of bday cake - she preferred raspberries...and my eldest loves cake but eats in moderation despite me not allowing them cake til they were 3 (which was down to food allergies they thankfully grew out of by then!)

I wouldn’t have removed her for that if I was otherwise happy with the childminder. Good childcare isn’t that easy to find and a sweet treat on another child’s birthday isn’t a hill worth dying on unless she’s looking after 365 kids. That said, you have to feel like the person looking after your kid is listening to you.

I have a friend who was like you when her daughter was your daughter’s age and now at the age of 3 her daughter is the biggest sugar fiend I’ve ever met - we had them over a couple of weekends ago and put out some fruit and her daughter kept saying ‘Biscuits! Ice cream!’

How many times did you tell her and is this a regular thing giving out sweets?

If your daughter is very happy there you may be moving her from where she’s settled and risking her going elsewhere.

I’d have given a warning.

I would have done the same; you can't trust her if she will keep deliberately ignoring your wishes. Both my children went to a CM; when cake/sweets came in for birthdays (usually from older children), it was always sent home for us to decide whether to feed or not.

FWIW I think pp are being ridiculous about the cake too. A 1 year old does not know what she is missing out on if she has never tried cake. As long as they will be allowed when they are older and their peers are having (nothing in OP to suggest that you will not allow this), you are completely reasonable and using your own judgement

You're doing the right thing to give your child the best start possible. Children just don't need to be eating this crap. Also, I agree that her disregarding your wishes is just not on.
Definitely finish and tell her why.

I can't believe the people on here saying that you're mean for not giving your one year old a bit of their birthday cake. Like a 12 month old would know or care that everyone else is eating cake.

You're right to think of moving her. If it was a one-off that would be different, but she's repeatedly ignoring you. It's bad enough when this crap comes from a family member, never mind someone you're paying to care for your child.

Please be careful as she grows up how controlling you are with food. Read up on food restriction. My parents were like this and a lot of very early memories I have are centred around food, and food my friends were allowed whilst I wasn't. My siblings and I all have long term EDs as a result.

Why are people so upset about a 1 year old not being allowed cake? They're 1. They aren't going to miss it and they're not going to grow up traumatised by no cake on their first birthday.

It's fine to change childminder OP. The childminder has to suit your needs.

@Thehop

As a childminder, I couldn’t agree with you more.

The number of parents that think I’m cruel for making porridge and not offering coco pops is unreal.

Babies and children don’t miss what they never have. No need for sugar at all.

You sound like my old childminder -it was my ds “job” to help make the porridge as he was first there.

I’m really surprised at a childminder handing out this amount of sweet stuff regularly, although it’s a lot of years ago now, ours was very much porridge for breakfast and home made soup for lunch. We all adored her

@Starcaller

I think the cake thing is a bit bonkers but you're never unreasonable to stop someone caring for their child if you aren't happy.

This

@SilentPanic

Please be careful as she grows up how controlling you are with food. Read up on food restriction. My parents were like this and a lot of very early memories I have are centred around food, and food my friends were allowed whilst I wasn't. My siblings and I all have long term EDs as a result.

I'm sure OP isn't gearing up to give her child an eating disorder because she doesn't want her eating sugar when she's only 1.

I'm sure she can eat her cake when she's not a baby anymore.

An occasional biscuit or donut at a birthday party (or her own cake!) is fine, surely? Is it really that bad to give kids the odd treat?

Genuinely asking, I'm pregnant and don't understand why a child can't have an appropriately sized piece of cake on her birthday.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Why would she? It’s not like the baby would know. And once they taste sugar, they want it all the time*

The OP refers to it as the childs cake. Pretty crap then, to buy her a cake she is not allowed to eat. Get a sugar free one if necessary, or get the stick out of your arse and give her a dollop of it on her plate.

The child is 14 months old. She probably doesn't care about the cake and she doesn't need it.

Not sure why the others are it. Seems hypocritical

Thanks everyone. Sounds like on balance I’m not BU to remove her.

For the posters who are worried about me not giving her cakes/other sugary things - it’s only because she’s just a baby. She has no clue at all about what everyone else is eating and there is absolutely no value at all in giving her chocolate cake over her favourite fruit. I have an older DD who I took the same approach with. She has a perfectly healthy and normal attitude to cake and chocolate now - loves the stuff and knows she is allowed it a couple of times a week but still loves her fruit and a good variety of other healthy foods too. Her childcare also don’t give her cakes/sweets as part of their policy anyway so she only gets them when with us. Totally accept there is no ‘right’ way of doing this parenting thing but this is my way and I’m not judging anyone who does it differently.

@SilentPanic

Please be careful as she grows up how controlling you are with food. Read up on food restriction. My parents were like this and a lot of very early memories I have are centred around food, and food my friends were allowed whilst I wasn't. My siblings and I all have long term EDs as a result.

This is an issue at an older age, not at 1 OP was very clear her child was HAPPY with the raspberries and did not want cake. It cannot be compared to denying a much older child food when their friends are eating it with them

The childminder should listen to your requests so yes she's not a good match for you because you have different views on treats. You'll need to give notice and secure childcare that is more aligned to your priorities.

I do think taking the no sugar so far as to not giving your child any of their own birthday cake is quite strange though.

It's also worth noting you are unlikely to be able to maintain this level of dietary control as your child gets older. I know someone who also didn't allow their child to eat biscuits, sweets etc. When the child got old enough to go to birthday parties and had access to the normal party type foods they'd never before been allowed, it was a sugar fuelled feeding frenzy of the likes I've never witnessed before! 😂

Everything in moderation is something to consider.

I think it's so sweet that she gets all excited about yoghurt and fruit, I can see her bouncing in my minds eye

Yes definitely change childminders. Processed sugar is just empty calories and rots teeth, look how many children are having to have all their teeth removed in hospital now.

Some people think children are deprived without sweet things which is nonsense.

IMO it depends on how regular it is. 3 sugary items in 3 months is different to one per day for example. But if you're not happy, you're not happy and you have every right to switch. However, if it is the only issue (and isn't daily), personally it's something I'd let slide for a really good CM in all other areas.

A nursery might work better as they seem to be more fixed on what food they provide (using nursery for DD and DS went to a CM). It just depends on what is most important to you.

Agree that it’s fine now but watch restricting stuff when she’s older

I was the weird kid at parties who had carrot sticks and a box of raisins instead of party rings and while my teeth thank my parents, my childhood social self definitely did not

On her birthday she happily munched on some raspberries while the rest of us had her cake

This is nasty. My DD loves fruit too but if we weren't intending on letting her eat her birthday cake we just wouldn't buy a cake.

Is the childminder a good childminder?
If DD's happy and the food is the only issue I wouldn't move her.

I'll admit that's partly because I think you've got some weird issue about intentionally leaving your daughter out. The occasional biscuit on her friends birthday won't hurt her and it's mean to give everyone else something and not your child, when there's no actual reason for her to miss out.

Why buy her a cake if she won't eat it? Why not just have a fruit platter and put a candle by it for her to blow out while you sing? It seems silly to celebrate her birthday with something she isn't interested in.

Why are people so upset about a 1 year old not being allowed cake? They're 1. They aren't going to miss it and they're not going to grow up traumatised by no cake on their first birthday

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse, I can only speak for myself but I’m not upset it’s just a bit of an odd concept to me. When I weaned dd and even up to now, if we’re eating together as a family she’s welcome to try anything from either parents plate if she wants to (drinks are off limits because I’m a lush!). It’s just a bit jarring that at a babies birthday celebration people ate a ‘treat’ that the main guest wasn’t allowed or wanted. I don’t know, maybe we just do celebrations differently and view sharing food differently 🤷‍♀️

I think it would be less noticeable if they’d all had raspberries tbh.