To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

@Bellringer

Perhaps he doesn't want boys to have dolls

It was the OP that didn’t want him to have the doll.

Children's feelings are more important than grown adult men feelings

Because children internalize and can't process words the same way as grown adult men can look at things rationally and maturely !

I think you should be firm op, when the kids are asleep have a proper good chat about it , tell him about the books, find science backed information perhaps about it, Sarah ockwell smith might be a good place to start, but I'm sure there's much more and that's just off the top of my head

Op, I mean this nicely but I think you need to ask yourself if you’re suffering from pnd.

@JustLyra

What about situations where what DH does just doesn't work?

What does he do that just doesn’t work?

If you give examples of that people can help. Everything so far has just taken longer, which isn’t the same, but if stuff genuinely doesn’t work that’s different (though if it totally doesn’t work then surely your husband would try something else himself?)

But sometimes things just don't work.

That's life.

Just try something else next time

Yeah I know. Not my proudest moment.

@Sam020

Omg no that's not what happened. Ds wasn't doing a harmful activity. On the contrary. He wanted to take a doll to his bed and I didn't want him to because I'd just watched a horror movie about something similar. I was 100% acting unreasonably. I even told dh at that time that I am acting unreasonably and I shouldn't be stopping Ds just because it's freaking me out. Before I could get over myself and tell ds that it's fine dh swooped in and said "mummy said no doll in bed and that's it" or something like that.

If you knew at the time you were acting unreasonably then you were bang out of order expecting your husband to undermine you in front of your child to fix it.

@Sam020

Omg no that's not what happened. Ds wasn't doing a harmful activity. On the contrary. He wanted to take a doll to his bed and I didn't want him to because I'd just watched a horror movie about something similar. I was 100% acting unreasonably. I even told dh at that time that I am acting unreasonably and I shouldn't be stopping Ds just because it's freaking me out. Before I could get over myself and tell ds that it's fine dh swooped in and said "mummy said no doll in bed and that's it" or something like that.

Sorry OP, but I do think you are being the unreasonable one from your posts here.

For the above, I would definitely want my DP to back me up in front of DS, even if it was something stupid. It was a small thing and it matters more that you appear as a team to DS than that he gets to take that doll into his bed.

From your examples, I also don't think your DH sounds like his parenting needs 'correcting', but just that you have different styles. He may prefer his to yours, but he likely would never consider that you need to be corrected.

I think unless there is a real issue that is upsetting your child repeatedly, you should just let it go and let your DH parent as he sees fit. Neither of you sound like you're doing it badly or wrong, you're just using different approaches to get the same result.

@Lilymossflower

Children's feelings are more important than grown adult men feelings

Because children internalize and can't process words the same way as grown adult men can look at things rationally and maturely !

I think you should be firm op, when the kids are asleep have a proper good chat about it , tell him about the books, find science backed information perhaps about it, Sarah ockwell smith might be a good place to start, but I'm sure there's much more and that's just off the top of my head

Why? The OP isn't correct...

Wonder how many of you would be ok with your partner flat out ignoring you when you speak to them in favour of messing on their phone. It's very rude. I answer client emails on my phone but if I'm doing so and someone speaks to me I at least have the common decency to say 'just a minute I'm busy' rather than ignoring them.

That one will come back to bite him on the arse in around 10 years when their DS has learned it's ok to blank people when you're on your phone and they're trying to talk to you.

@KurtWilde

Wonder how many of you would be ok with your partner flat out ignoring you when you speak to them in favour of messing on their phone. It's very rude. I answer client emails on my phone but if I'm doing so and someone speaks to me I at least have the common decency to say 'just a minute I'm busy' rather than ignoring them.

That one will come back to bite him on the arse in around 10 years when their DS has learned it's ok to blank people when you're on your phone and they're trying to talk to you.

The DH isn't perfect but then again neither is the OP.

You're getting a really hard time here OP. Had you listed the specific incidents that DH has done you would have got a different response and very likely (because it's Mumsnet) a chorus of LTB.

The problem here is your husband's fragile male ego. The issue isn't you, unless you're somehow coming down on him like a ton of bricks everytime. I also speak to my DH about how we can do things better and explain techniques I've learned that may help. However, my DH has very little ego and is open to learning better approaches and ideas. I point things out in a logical way and say that DS responded better to this way of doing something than in the other way. So, logically, we then follow the better way as it makes more sense. What I think is happening is your DH feels he's being talked down to by a woman and he's unable to admit fault or to see someone else's point of view. The results are there; your playful way of parenting eg. getting him downstairs by making it into a game yields quicker and more positive results. Your DH's way takes longer and results in an upset child. It makes sense to do it your way. However, it won't come naturally to your DH probably. So perhaps it would help if he works on his own patience and tone more than anything.

I get where you are coming from, you've read some books and taken a sensitive, modern approach to parenting. I also have a sensitive son and it's been tricky landing on the way that works best for raising him. We tried the stricter methods and it was awful. We now parent much more sensitively and our kid has gone from strength to strength.

Telling a child to stop crying can be damaging, depending on the child and if they internalise these messages. Children cry! Humans cry. It's just an emotion. If we let it run its course, they eventually stop and move on to another emotion. I'm not saying to coddle or pander but, like you, I do think that crying is not a problem. We don't have to give in to the tantrum, we can let them have their cry. Saying 'Hugo can ride his bike, why can't you' is unkind at the least and damaging to self esteem at most.

The DH is not up for discussing things he's doing that are unkind. I think you're trying to have a cooperative chat about things and trying to work out how best to handle situations. You're the one who is reading the books and articles so you are likely the one that's more informed. DH is parenting how he was parented I bet. Which is a dynamic I see often - one parent parenting how they were parented and being unable to introspect, and the other being open to learning new ways to deal with things and reading literature around the subject.

How you fix this, I'm not sure. He doesn't sound like the most logical person.

@SaltedCaramelHC

I think you have to accept that you aren't right. You just think you are. But it doesn't make it so. You can keep thinking that your method is the best and your way makes everyone happier, but lots of people will look at your methods and be very annoyed at them, finding them cajoling and pandering and thinking that they are not necessarily in the child's best interests long term. You have to decide what the core values are, and how to compromise with a person who has different views on how to get there than you do - whilst accepting that his methods may be equally 'correct' to yours.

Agree with this,

My DH occasionally gets short with the kids or is on his phone too much, but I acknowledge he is human and so am I, I definitely get things wrong too and we are not robots so will not handle every situation the same. If your feeling is that he is a good dad and is not constantly chipping away at your child’s self esteem or anything like that, I think you need to stop overthinking every small interaction and communicate more colaboratively… for example our middle child (slightly older than yours) is anxious going to school since covid plus some other challenging behaviour, we have talked about this between ourselves to find a way through together so our approach is consistent, but we don’t over analyse the normal day-to-day stuff. Your dh might feel a bit under a microscope at the moment.

I couldn't cope with this degree of scrutiny around my parenting. Your dh sounds like a perfectly normal parent. Being on the same page doesn't mean being identical. Being a parent is a relationship not a job and it sounds like he's got a great relationship with his children. I'd back off and use the energy on something else

There is so much over thinking, pathologising and analysis of parenting going on that I am wondering if something else is going on for you OP? I have been doing it for 19 years, a lot of it on my own, with 3 children each with a 4 year age gap and working with hundreds and hundreds of parents and their DC for a decade of that so I have skin in the game. Parenting can be instinctive and two different adults interacting with, having different thoughts and having differing boundaries teaches DC a lot. It isn't a project to manage and focus on 'best outcomes' and key performance indicators you know. You sound like you are trying to professionalise parenting

@WimpoleHat

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books

This is fine….great, if it works for you. But it’s not the only way. That author isn’t some Hos given authority on parenting. As @SimpsonsXmasBoogie said upthread, it does sound like you’re giving him some kind of manager’s appraisal. He’s a different person from you and will be a different parent. Your DS will benefit from the different strengths you both have.

As an aside, I have a friend who has always been very keen on parenting books. She is very earnest about her kids and takes it all very seriously. I’m sure she is secretly horrified by my far less organised, far shouter style! But I would say there’s far more warmth and fun and jollity in our house, especially as the kids have got older. My kids know I’m not perfect and will (pretty mercilessly!) take the rise out of that. We all get by in the way that suits us best - and one person’s way isn’t going to suit another.

This sounds exactly like my approach and my house! I too have one of those earnest friends who has literally turned herself inside out being a parent. Her kids are great but you know what, so are mine (so far) and I didnt nearly kill myself in the process. The returns on this kind of obsessive parenting - if they exist at all, I'm not convinced it's not harmful in many cases - is so marginal as to be really not worth it. Be yourself, mostly on a good day and try to knock the worst edges off your not-so-great traits and then just get on with it.

Ouch OP. I'm cringing from reading your posts.I think your intentions are commendable but the language you use gives away how you probably speak to your husband. 'Correcting' his parenting and dictating that your way is better (even if you believe it is) is never going to win him around!

We have a toddler and my DH has less patience than me and will often have unrealistic expectations of DC's behaviour which results in him getting cross. Like yours, he's a fantastic father who is doted on but navigating toddler years for the first time is tricky.

My first rule of thumb is never to use 'I' or 'you' but always 'we'.

Eg the other night DC threw a complete tantrum about putting his pyjamas on and change of nappy before bed. DH got crosser and crosser before forcing him into them while I tried to help without undermining him. Over dinner I approached it as 'god, that was super frustrating for us-we really struggled there! I can't work out what went wrong'. We then chatted about it openly (as I had asked his opinion) and realised DC wanted a specific set of pyjamas to wear to bed and is struggling to assert his independence (he has few words at the moment). I guessed this already but wanted DH to get there himself.

I asked DH how could we perhaps make him feel like DC has more involvement in bedtime? We came to a decision that at bedtime we would ask him which pyjamas he wanted to wear and offer him two. We'd also coax him to let us change his nappy by being clear that he would only get stories if we did this first. Next night was a dream and no issues since.

The point is, I knew all of the above when I approached DH. To me, it was obvious this was the problem but if I'd have come down stairs, reprimanded his attempt and told him this is what we were doing, he would have got a bit upset. We're both new to this and he's desperate to have input and to get things right.

I know some will say it's incredibly patronising to do above but it's only regarding new territory with parenting and it means we are aligned with a joint approach so works for us.

@Lilymossflower

Children's feelings are more important than grown adult men feelings

Because children internalize and can't process words the same way as grown adult men can look at things rationally and maturely !

I think you should be firm op, when the kids are asleep have a proper good chat about it , tell him about the books, find science backed information perhaps about it, Sarah ockwell smith might be a good place to start, but I'm sure there's much more and that's just off the top of my head

I would think your last paragraph was satire only sadly I know better. What an absolute load of shite.

How about, you're a good wife to DH, but could be better? Maybe he should buy you a book to read, give you some tips to improve?

There are no perfect partners or perfect parents; none of us are. We shouldnt strive to be; because that's setting up an unrealistic model and expectation of adult relationships for your child, which will cause them a lifetime of disappointment and frustration.

GOOD adult relationships can withstand differences, dissent, criticism without anxiety and loss of esteem.

Your husband shows DS every day, that he is loved cared for and cherished. He's doing a great job as a Dad; not perfect , but perfectly good enough.

It's ironic that you perceive DH's criticism/correction of DS as negative, yet it reflects your critical corrections of DH. Try modelling some more effective ways of adult communication, that you'd like him to adopt.

    No children get  a pair of identical parents.  If they are very lucky, they get  more than one  adult carers   who balance each other;   each has strengths and weaknesses   and fills in the gaps  for  the other(s).

They demonstrate resilience and tolerance; accept difference, model how arguments, tiffs and making up are normal parts of any relationship.

From that model, the child learns about co-operation, support, team work, tolerance , support and protection. The models he's going to need in adult life when he leaves home.

I think the problem is the term "correct". This suggests you're right and he's wrong and he needs correcting.

This is more about getting on the same page with your parenting. Choose something that really makes you uncomfortable (comparing your child to another for example) and explain to him how it makes you feel and then ask him to think about for the future.

So you aren't telling him anything. You're just explaining how you feel.

The DH isn't perfect but then again neither is the OP

I never said she was.

Fact is if OP had come come here and said 'DH compares our child's ability of lack thereof to that of a younger child' people would've said he was being awful and would damage his child in the long run.

But because she'd already identified this as shitty parenting and wanted advice on how to approach it better with him, she's been unfairly slaughtered.

You know what I'd do.....I'd ditch the parenting books.

It sounds like he's doing fine - so he's not a perfect father (according to your books) but who is? As long as the child is not being abused and is safe and loved then surely that's what matters.

@KurtWilde

The DH isn't perfect but then again neither is the OP

I never said she was.

Fact is if OP had come come here and said 'DH compares our child's ability of lack thereof to that of a younger child' people would've said he was being awful and would damage his child in the long run.

But because she'd already identified this as shitty parenting and wanted advice on how to approach it better with him, she's been unfairly slaughtered.

This is spades.

in spades even.

So it's OK for him to tell you how to do things with the dc, but when it comes to him, you can't question him?? Typical.

He should set aside his feelings to try to learn to be a better dad. It doesn't sound as if you're being nit-picky here; he could be better.

As long as the child is not being abused and is safe and loved then surely that's what matters.

That's a pretty low bar, @starfishmummy, isn't it??

Why on earth should the OP stop trying to be a better mum? What could be more important?? If her partner is too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismisses ds' feelings, compares him to other kids, that's not being a great dad.