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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

372 replies

Sam020 · 17/11/2021 07:43

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

OP posts:

TokyoDreaming · 17/11/2021 11:32

@JollyJoon

Eg "do x. It's getting late. Do X. I'm getting cross. Do X. What are you doing? Do X!!!" in an increasingly annoyed tone

Should they even need to be told four times? Just do what you're told.

Have you ever met a five year old?

GiltEdges · 17/11/2021 11:39

It recently happened actually where [DS] wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.

He supported your position rather than undermining you, which is a perfectly acceptable way of ensuring that your child doesn't learn to play one parent against the other to get what they want. If you had the self awareness to know you were wrong at the time then you should have corrected yourself and told DS that he could do it. What's inappropriate is expecting your DH to be a mindreader and creating a situation in which he really can't win no matter how he responds.

I don't say no unless I think it's important but when I say no I mean it and then make sure that we stick to it.

So in the scenario above where you said no (by your own admission irrationally), presumably your DH would reasonably have thought you really meant it, because you don't say no unless you really mean it?

rumrunner123 · 17/11/2021 11:43

@MsPootle

OP, your DH is a poor father - the defensiveness on his part shows he knows what he's doing is wrong. Please don't mistake this type of super strict parenting as simply being clear and enforcing boundaries. I think you're already in 'dysfunctional territory'. You have a baby but you also have a 5 yr old - please don't let your DH do most of his parenting. As your DS grows up, he will remember the fear, the walking on eggshells and he will resent you both. This type of parenting never works - as an adult you simply have no love for that parent. It stays with you even if on the outside you look 'normal'. Nobody is a perfect parent but your DH is potentially doing lifelong harm to your DS.

Did you miss the bit about when OP didn't want her DS to do a harmful activity and her DH supported her but he is still in the wrong because he should have stood up to her?

Honestly all of OP's positivity parenting is also likely to have a detrimental impact on her DS's emotional well being and his ability to be able to handle negativity in real life.

@Sam020 you said you get a lot of parenting techniques from book that you read that gel with your way of thinking. If you really want to take a balance approach may research positivity parenting and the benefit as well as the negatives so you are not just having a blinkered view.

FWIW me and DH have very different parenting styles but our DC's are 17,21 and 22 now. They come to me for some things and DH for others, they know who is likely to give them the support they need because they know us and know our strengths.

My own parents were very different, my DF was strict and more no nonsense whereas my DM was a bit more of a pushover, until we were older and then my DM was over protective and we found her a bit overbearing where our DF treated us more as adults who were able to make our own decisions. We gravitated to DM when we wanted a good cry and her to tell us we were right but went to DF to actually offer practical help and support.

1forAll74 · 17/11/2021 11:45

Yoiu need to discuss these problems between yourselves, quietly and sensibly, and not critically.. Not sure why a person has to resort to parenting books etc, maybe you are operating your parenting ways, as from a manual, and folllowing the rules of some author, who maybe knows nothing !

Original poster

Sam020 · 17/11/2021 11:45

@JollyJoon

Eg "do x. It's getting late. Do X. I'm getting cross. Do X. What are you doing? Do X!!!" in an increasingly annoyed tone

Should they even need to be told four times? Just do what you're told.

Are you being sarcastic or did your five year old child really always do everything the first time you asked them to? if yes, then welll.. how?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sam020 · 17/11/2021 11:49

Omg no that's not what happened. Ds wasn't doing a harmful activity. On the contrary. He wanted to take a doll to his bed and I didn't want him to because I'd just watched a horror movie about something similar. I was 100% acting unreasonably. I even told dh at that time that I am acting unreasonably and I shouldn't be stopping Ds just because it's freaking me out. Before I could get over myself and tell ds that it's fine dh swooped in and said "mummy said no doll in bed and that's it" or something like that.

OP posts:

BananaPB · 17/11/2021 11:50

People only change when they are unhappy or stuck. This is why I've read parenting books.

Tbh for a person who wants to centre her interactions with her child based on his emotional needs, you are not putting much thought in your h's emotional needs. I'm not saying that your h needs you to constantly tiptoe around his feelings but does it matter if it takes him longer to get your son ready for school ? Being critical is demoralising and annoying. I know you said that you'd be fine if he did it back to you but maybe he sees your interactions on a more holistic basis and doesn't see himself as perfect so criticising you would be mean.

I detect that you think your way is the best way and the only way. In reality kids can cope fine with the rules being different in different settings eg home, school, grandparents, childminder, friends house. Do you think your son's school teacher is using your style of talking to him when she's looking after 30 kids? Sometimes she will say "No chatting on the mat please" rather than the longer "kinder" explanations that you favour.

In my experience, one person's way doesn't always work when another person does it the same way. For example baby might like mum to rock him to sleep but might like dad to sit next to him patting his back. Even if the patting takes longer or might result in more moaning from the baby, it's what dad has chosen to do and that is ok.

PickAndChooseMe · 17/11/2021 11:50

Eg "do x. It's getting late. Do X. I'm getting cross. Do X. What are you doing? Do X!!!" in an increasingly annoyed tone.

@Sam020 when you ask your son to do something and he doesn’t, how do handle the situation differently from your husband?

thisplaceisweird · 17/11/2021 11:51

@Sam020

God your poor kids. This is absolutely nuts.

JollyJoon · 17/11/2021 11:51

👀

Hardbackwriter · 17/11/2021 11:52

@Sam020

KurtWilde · 17/11/2021 11:53

Did you miss the bit about when OP didn't want her DS to do a harmful activity and her DH supported her but he is still in the wrong because he should have stood up to her?

Did you miss the part where OP said it was a perfectly NORMAL activity? Not a harmful one

KurtWilde · 17/11/2021 11:54

*and he absolutely SHOULD Have stood up to her because what she was trying to prevent DS from doing WAS a perfectly normal thing

Scoobapro · 17/11/2021 11:57

OP, YANBU for wanting your husband to not ignore his child by sitting on his phone.

For the people asking how you would feel if your husband said you could do better - aren’t you already demonstrating you want to do better by reading and researching techniques?

I don’t think what you are raising with your DH is at all unreasonable.

Just becuase he’s not being outwardly horrible to the child doesn’t mean he can’t do better. Comparing your child to others is a recipe for low self esteem, as is his phone being favoured over their company.

I’m a mum that tries my best and I still recognise I need to do better, but that’s called self awareness. If your husband doesn’t look introspectively or have enough self awareness then you should rightly bring these things to his attention.

Coronawireless · 17/11/2021 11:58

Bit weird but anyway if your DH is mostly doing a good job and is not abusive or negligent you don’t need to micromanage. Model the behaviour you want, and also encourage your DS to see any flaws in both of you as examples that people aren’t perfect and don’t always mange things the same way.

TokyoDreaming · 17/11/2021 11:58

Your DH can't do anything right in your eyes, even when he backs you up you moan because you're being irrational.

Carry on and he'll start to really resent you as he must feel so demoralised.

Tonyschoco · 17/11/2021 11:59

He wanted to take a doll to his bed and I didn't want him to because I'd just watched a horror movie about something similar

Erm….

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/11/2021 12:03

At the moment we don't even get to have a discussion about anything because dh becomes so defensive. If we'd talk about it and then he'd explain why he disagrees or prefers his method I wouldn't mind

You sound utterly intolerable, You need to put down the books for a start.

I am actually wondering if You are having some sort of MH episode after your last post about the doll tbh. You say your baby is 3 months, have you had any pnd? Everything you have written seems almost obsessive and you believe you are 100% correct. Honestly op Your DH sounds absolutely fine to me.

I have been there where I fully became absorbed in certain books, I was actually really unwell.

WimpoleHat · 17/11/2021 12:06

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books

This is fine….great, if it works for you. But it’s not the only way. That author isn’t some Hos given authority on parenting. As @SimpsonsXmasBoogie said upthread, it does sound like you’re giving him some kind of manager’s appraisal. He’s a different person from you and will be a different parent. Your DS will benefit from the different strengths you both have.

As an aside, I have a friend who has always been very keen on parenting books. She is very earnest about her kids and takes it all very seriously. I’m sure she is secretly horrified by my far less organised, far shouter style! But I would say there’s far more warmth and fun and jollity in our house, especially as the kids have got older. My kids know I’m not perfect and will (pretty mercilessly!) take the rise out of that. We all get by in the way that suits us best - and one person’s way isn’t going to suit another.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 17/11/2021 12:07

This thread is making me irrationally angry. I parent partly like you, partly like your DH. I probably spend too much time on my phone / laptop and could pay more attention to the kids.
But there’s something about the way you talk about your husband that just angers me. It might the assertion that you’re parenting right and he’s parenting wrong or that he has to justify his parenting to you. Or that the way your child is parented is important to you and you imply not to him. Or that you blame him for your parenting failures!
There’s nothing wrong about the way you parent, there’s nothing wrong with the way he parents. They are just 2 different approaches. I really hope he doesn’t feel judged or monitored as it’s that that could destroy his relationship with the kids and not how he parents

Bellringer · 17/11/2021 12:10

Parenting classes, together?

Bellringer · 17/11/2021 12:12

Perhaps he doesn't want boys to have dolls

DreamerSeven · 17/11/2021 12:13

Your DS doesn’t need two identical parents which is what it seems you’re trying to achieve. He’ll benefit from different approaches, different relationships with each of you.

Tubs11 · 17/11/2021 12:14

Sounds like you want him to be the perfect parent. Sorry, but I don't think any parent can be that. Apply the 80:20 rule. If he's an awesome dad 80% of the time then let the other 20% slide. Kids need to see we're not perfect too, otherwise they grow up with unrealistic expectations which is not good for them either. If it's only happening twice a year then it's minimal as a week is like a year to a kid

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2021 12:14

Yes so that's exactly my question. How do you do that? How do you start this conversation without it sounding like criticism?

You can't. Because it is.

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