To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

You talk about school, but then also about 'playing a game of going down the stairs' - that's the sort of stuff you do for toddlers, though? I'm quite surprised a school-age child will even entertain it!

OPs DS is only 5, and I did similar to this when getting my lot up in a morning until they were 7 or 8. If it works it works.

Wherever possible I try to frame things as "I've noticed it works well / not so well if I / we do X".etc

This really stood out to me @Sam020 . Just because it works for you, doesn’t mean it would work for your dh. My 4 year old is going through a phase of waking at 4am, ADAMANT that it’s morning. I go in and say ‘sorry it’s still nighttime’ he (reluctantly) gets back into bed. I tuck him in, sing him a song, give him a kiss and he happily goes back to sleep. My husband has tried the same my ds screamed ‘wrestle’ at him and launched himself off the bed. He wouldn’t lay down, and repeatedly shouted over dh when he tried to settle him. Dh, very firmly gave him the option of getting back into bed, and counted to 3. Ds didn’t get back into bed, so dh left. Ds shouted for another minute, dh went back in and asked if he was ready to be tucked in yet. A little bit more whinging but this time ds did get into bed, and went back to sleep.
It’s not the way I would have handled it, but ‘my’ way wasn’t working for dh. His way did.

Also for what it’s worth, I really liked that book. I have several friends who thought it was absolute rubbish. They all have perfectly well adjusted children. There’s not one right way to parent. Different children, need different things, from different adults.

Thanks for the reassuring words. It's good to hear that we sound fairly normal

Ds is happy but lacks confidence. He is also quite sensitive. I think a softer approach works better with him.

@KurtWilde

You talk about school, but then also about 'playing a game of going down the stairs' - that's the sort of stuff you do for toddlers, though? I'm quite surprised a school-age child will even entertain it!

OPs DS is only 5, and I did similar to this when getting my lot up in a morning until they were 7 or 8. If it works it works.

Not even 5 yet. Summer born child.

@LivingNextDoorToNorma

Wherever possible I try to frame things as "I've noticed it works well / not so well if I / we do X".etc

This really stood out to me @Sam020 . Just because it works for you, doesn’t mean it would work for your dh. My 4 year old is going through a phase of waking at 4am, ADAMANT that it’s morning. I go in and say ‘sorry it’s still nighttime’ he (reluctantly) gets back into bed. I tuck him in, sing him a song, give him a kiss and he happily goes back to sleep. My husband has tried the same my ds screamed ‘wrestle’ at him and launched himself off the bed. He wouldn’t lay down, and repeatedly shouted over dh when he tried to settle him. Dh, very firmly gave him the option of getting back into bed, and counted to 3. Ds didn’t get back into bed, so dh left. Ds shouted for another minute, dh went back in and asked if he was ready to be tucked in yet. A little bit more whinging but this time ds did get into bed, and went back to sleep.
It’s not the way I would have handled it, but ‘my’ way wasn’t working for dh. His way did.

Also for what it’s worth, I really liked that book. I have several friends who thought it was absolute rubbish. They all have perfectly well adjusted children. There’s not one right way to parent. Different children, need different things, from different adults.

Yes that's very possible and I'll keep it in mind.

What about situations where what DH does just doesn't work?

for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds

It does children no harm to learn they are not the centre of everyone's universe.

I can see both sides.

However, I would not think that something was right because I'd read it in a parenting book.

I am more in your 'camp' so far as parenting is concerned, as it happens (not entirely relevant now, as my youngest DC is 17). However, even I sometimes thought you can go for overkill on the "I know you feel upset because you were doing X and now you have to do Y, but you can do more X tomorrow". Once your daughter is older, you will come to realise that the answer is just sometimes (as your husband says): "Screen time is over. Crying won't get you anywhere. Finito." You won't have time for big conversations with all of them. I am incredibly patient, but I also remember parents when my DC were small who turned everything tiny thing into a negotiation, discussion, justification, etc, etc, when they should just have said (eg): "We sit at the table to eat our lunch."

I would also be very careful of judging and "correcting", as you will drive a wedge between you (been there, done that).

@AryaStarkWolf

It sounds like you are lecturing him with whatever stuff you've read in that book, if you think he's a good parent then leave him get on with it, unless you think anything he does is abusive of course

No definitely not abusive. Just sometimes disrespectful or a bit unkind.

What about situations where what DH does just doesn't work?

What does he do that just doesn’t work?

If you give examples of that people can help. Everything so far has just taken longer, which isn’t the same, but if stuff genuinely doesn’t work that’s different (though if it totally doesn’t work then surely your husband would try something else himself?)

@VolumniaScreech

I can see both sides.

However, I would not think that something was right because I'd read it in a parenting book.

I am more in your 'camp' so far as parenting is concerned, as it happens (not entirely relevant now, as my youngest DC is 17). However, even I sometimes thought you can go for overkill on the "I know you feel upset because you were doing X and now you have to do Y, but you can do more X tomorrow". Once your daughter is older, you will come to realise that the answer is just sometimes (as your husband says): "Screen time is over. Crying won't get you anywhere. Finito." You won't have time for big conversations with all of them. I am incredibly patient, but I also remember parents when my DC were small who turned everything tiny thing into a negotiation, discussion, justification, etc, etc, when they should just have said (eg): "We sit at the table to eat our lunch."

I would also be very careful of judging and "correcting", as you will drive a wedge between you (been there, done that).

Yeah I think that's what DH thinks I do. It's not a negotiation though (as I don't budge) ans it's not long and usually things get done quicker that way.

Because it's our child and what is the best for him matters to me.

Such a telling sentence, 'our chiild' but 'matters to me', in other words what is best for him only matters to you, not to his father.
I feel really sorry for you husband and your son being in such a controlling atmosphere.

Give examples of what situations where DH's approach doesn't work.

I asked about playing games with DS, so if you are playing a game does it go well, or do you approach it differently eg tell DS if he is doing something wrong or you would do it differently. Does DH engage with DS?

@Hardbackwriter

But if you're expecting him to act exactly like you and to use the exact same phrases (which are very unnatural to a lot of people, and sound very fake and 'American' to most British ears) then really, you're expecting him to put on a performance constantly. Do you think that's a good way to form an authentic bond with your own child? I tried some of the How to Talk stuff but I felt like I was pretending to be a completely different person and ultimately I think parent is a relationship not a verb and so constantly feeling like I was putting on a show with my child isn't a way to build a relationship anymore than pretending to be someone else would be good for a romantic relationship - even if you're pretending to be someone they might like more!

I totally agree with you. I hear some parents in playgrounds with their children and think 'how the hell do they keep that up?'. The unnatural language, not to mention that overly bright and positive tone, the constant praising. It sounds so false - it IS so false - and surely this is detrimental to the creation of a real and authentic relationship with anyone (your child included). For good or ill, I am myself with my two. We know who we are and how we stand with each other. I don't have a particular set of language I use with them, I treat them (mostly) with kindness but am also occasionally a bit of a grumpy cow, we have great and real fun together, with plenty of teasing. We don't take ourselves too seriously and works ok most of the time. I am not performing the act of being a good parent, I am just being THEIR mum.

Hmm. The more I’ve read of this thread, the more I’ve altered my thoughts.

If he’s a decent, loving parent, then that’s good. His approach being different doesn’t make it wrong. My husband is the total softy and I’m the authority figure, bordering on the unemotional, if I’m honest. If my husband caves and rewards bad behaviour, I tell him why that was a stupid thing to do. Communication is all you can have between you, and respect for each other’s different approaches.

@JustLyra

What about situations where what DH does just doesn't work?

What does he do that just doesn’t work?

If you give examples of that people can help. Everything so far has just taken longer, which isn’t the same, but if stuff genuinely doesn’t work that’s different (though if it totally doesn’t work then surely your husband would try something else himself?)

Eg "do x. It's getting late. Do X. I'm getting cross. Do X. What are you doing? Do X!!!" in an increasingly annoyed tone.

@JudgeJ

for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds

It does children no harm to learn they are not the centre of everyone's universe.

I actually think this does do harm. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband regularly ignored me or ‘didn’t hear me’ because he was playing games on his phone.

Children deserve the same level of base respect as anyone else - it’s not on to just blank them when they’re trying to talk to you.

@JudgeJ

Because it's our child and what is the best for him matters to me.

Such a telling sentence, 'our chiild' but 'matters to me', in other words what is best for him only matters to you, not to his father.
I feel really sorry for you husband and your son being in such a controlling atmosphere.

I think you haven't read the question properly to which I was responding.

The other thing I don't like is using rewards and punishments all the time. They are very effective but give the wrong message I think so should be used sparingly. I do think we should rather explain.DH uses them a lot. Is that something I need to let go as well (genuine question)?

Personally I'm not a fan of the sticker charts and confiscation of items and loss of screen time, however I don't think it's damaging. And I don't think it's for you to 'let go' either. The children are his as well and he is entitled to make parenting choices for them. If he was harming them, then yes of course you step in, but just using different parenting techniques isn't something that you can or should have control over.

I think if you'd had started this thread by saying that your husband is consistently short, snappy and inattentive to his child then you would have had a different response here. But you have focussed a lot on non issue. Things that are different to how you would do it but equally valid parenting styles and presented this kind of catalogue of issues. If this is how you you approach it with you husband too then I'm not really surprised that he becomes defensive, because some if it he is being challenged because he isn't you and doesn't act like you.

You children will have a different relationship with their father than you, just like they will have individual relationships with grandparents, aunties, uncles, teachers, each other, friends etc. And the only relationships that you have full control of are your relationships.

The examples you are giving just don't sound 'wrong' to me or harsh, just normal everyday parenting that isn't out of a book!

You don't seem to be understanding many people's point- parenting is more than words and techniques, it's about the creation of a relationship, and if that relationship is affectionate (as you say your husband is) and authentic, it may have more power in the future than one built on carefully crafted interactions out of a book.

The most important thing is not to damage the parent child bond, so your husband/child's bond- that overrides trying to correct him telling your child to stop doing something when you would prefer a 'playful' way of doing this.

Also, schools do not engage with children 'playfully', and they do use words like stop and no and tell them off, so your child may really struggle if they've not been exposed to the more direct model of parenting.

You realise there are many different ways to parent and yours (which works for you) isnt the only "right" way.

I have a friend who would describe her approach to parenting as you describe yours, and would describe her partners as you describe your DH.

I would say that she is too soft. Her child is quite badly behaved and she is not firm enough in applying boundaries. Her husband is "stricter" and their child is noticeably better behaved when dad is around.

We are only hearing your side of this, bear in mind your view of the "right" way to parent is an opinion.

The other thing I don't like is using rewards and punishments all the time. They are very effective but give the wrong message I think so should be used sparingly. I do think we should rather explain.DH uses them a lot. Is that something I need to let go as well (genuine question)?

Theres a balance to be struck. Explanations/reason are often completely pointless on young children, they have not fully developed empathy etc and often are simply unable to understand what you are saying.

Eg "do x. It's getting late. Do X. I'm getting cross. Do X. What are you doing? Do X!!!" in an increasingly annoyed tone.

But then what happens? At some point does DS do X, or does DH give up on X?

Put it this way if you both pander to your child's every wimm tantrum in 5 years time you will have a very spoilt brat to deal with, you dh parenting is fine I would do a no phone at the table rule other then that no issues, and every parent at some point wakes up late for school and has to repeatedly tell there kids to hurry up and gets annoyed if they don't move fast enough, you sound like a push over for your child and you are trying to get you dh to do the same which is wrong and I have also said oh pat has learnt to ride her bike bet you can too type phrase that is not comparing kids just a different way of encouraging them maybe you should change the way you do things to match your dh instead

Eg "do x. It's getting late. Do X. I'm getting cross. Do X. What are you doing? Do X!!!" in an increasingly annoyed tone

Should they even need to be told four times? Just do what you're told.

What about situations where what DH does just doesn't work?

I think in this case you need to look at what you mean by ‘just doesn’t work’ @Sam020 . Does it actually not work, or does it not work the way you (or I) think it should? Something taking longer the way your dh does it, is not the same as your ds being reduced to tears by dh’s methods (for example). If it gets the job done, there’s an argument that it works.

If it’s the latter then I would say something. But not in the moment. My husband has in the past (occasionally) used a tone that sounds unnecessarily harsh. I mentioned it, at a completely unrelated time, while we were just chatting about ds. I just told him that I thought ds sometimes felt like he was in trouble, because to his his 4 year old ears dh sounded cross. This wasn’t my husbands intention, and I now see him noticeably adjusting his tone with ds. However, I VERY rarely comment on my husbands parenting. So he was possibly more receptive of this than your dh will be, especially if he’s already feeling defensive.

It’s also worth bearing in mind, that your approach, if it doesn’t come naturally to your husband, could well seem false and forced to your dc. If that’s the case, I highly doubt it would work. It’s like hugging someone who doesn’t ‘do’ physical contact. It’s just awkward and uncomfortable. Just because dh’s way doesn’t work for him, doesn’t necessarily mean your way will work for him either! You dh will need to find his own way of effectively communicated with ds. You will need to accept that that might not be yours.