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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being ridiculous? Actually really upset

323 replies

Ring222 · 16/11/2021 14:56

Will keep it short.

Married DH a couple of years ago and pretty quickly got pregnant and had DC.

I had my suspicions at the time that the ring DG proposed with was the one he gave his ex (and mother of my SC) which he was given back when they split up years before, they never actually went on to marry, but couldn't quite put my finger on why I thought it.

I knew he had the ring still when we first met as he found it when we were getting rid of a lot of stuff when moving in together. This was about 7 years ago now! The ring sort of disappeared and he said he'd just gotten rid of it.

At the time when he proposed I did wonder, but as I never saw that ring again couldn't really remember exactly what it looked like so couldnt say 100%. On the once or twice it had come up he'd just skirted over what he'd done with it and the box the ring he proposed with was in looked a bit worn. I asked him outright a few months later and he said absolutely not, he got mine from X shop in a town near us and went specifically with a friend to choose it etc etc.

Anyway, long story short it's come to light now that it is the same ring.

I'm actually really pissed off. Not because I'm arsed about having a fancy ring, I'd have been happy with anything. But I'm upset that he lied and tbh I am upset that it's the ring he gave another woman too. I'm embarrassed as well in a way, this is the mother of his kids, who hasn't been the kindest to me, god knows if she has spotted it but if so it makes me cringe. It's the kind of thing she'd take pleasure in knowing that I don't realise.

I'm actually really really annoyed. Is it petty? Am I right to be? Does it matter? I know the lying matters but I'm also pissed off that it's the same ring, would that part bother you as well?

OP posts:
CoffeeRunner · 16/11/2021 17:56

@Ring222

He was apologetic about the lie.

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring, he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently. She barely wore it according to him and only had it for a few months before they split.

Then he asks you for your opinion. Would you like to wear this ring? Would you rather wait until I can afford you a new one?

It's the lie that makes this so unforgivable for me.

category12 · 16/11/2021 18:00

he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently

Which means he knew perfectly well that you wouldn't like it and would be upset by it, but he decided the little woman was just being silly and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Hmm

Greenmarmalade · 16/11/2021 18:10

Awful. I’d feel the same OP, but I’d have let him know very clearly how shit this is.

Badnightguaranteed · 16/11/2021 18:14

Shocking. What a bastard Sad

KatherineJaneway · 16/11/2021 18:14

He sounds lazy and thoughtless at best.

Agree, that would be a turn off including the lying.

northbacchus · 16/11/2021 18:15

Regardless of any "bee in your bonnets", he didn't need to lie, he could have sold the ring and bought another without the need to lie about it.

How do you think he'll react if/when you ask him to replace this ring? If he replaces the ring, then it shouldn't be a Christmas/Birthday/anniversary present as he's righting the wrong.

Applesonthelawn · 16/11/2021 18:40

Speaking as someone who didn't have an engagement ring until long after I was married and wasn't remotely bothered, and wouldn't be if I still didn't have one all these years later, I would be really upset about this. Because it's a symbolic thing, a token of his love for you, but in fact that ring was a token of his love for someone else that he's fobbed you off with. I'm afraid this would reduce me to a sobbing mess, and I'm really not dramatic or keen on jewellery at all. But this would totally get to me.

CtrlU · 16/11/2021 18:44

His disgraceful

notanothertakeaway · 16/11/2021 18:45

@Ring222

He was apologetic about the lie.

But he doesn't think there is anything wrong in using the same ring, he said he couldn't afford one as nice as that at the time but he knew I'd be 'funny' about it as me and his ex always had a bee in our bonnets about each other at the time apparently. She barely wore it according to him and only had it for a few months before they split.

That was your decision to make, not his

No way would most people be happy wearing a ring that was bought for someone else

1FootInTheRave · 16/11/2021 18:48

I would be furious.

Wtf even thinks that's remotely okay.

The lying made it so much worse. And it wqs bad to start.

Longdistance · 16/11/2021 18:51

Pawn it off and treat yourself to something nice.
I wouldn’t like it either.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2021 18:52

I couldn’t care less about the ring but I would be absolutely raging about the calculation abd the lying and the insult to my intelligence.

I would also really struggle to get past this.

It may not be something I would leave over immediately but it would be a major blow to my trust and respect for him.

scarpa · 16/11/2021 18:59

YANBU, that would upset me too - I'm not remotely materialistic but if you have an engagement ring, it's supposed to be chosen with you in mind. He could have sold it and bought another, so it's not even about money. And the fact that he lied compounds it.

In our house we still have DH's ex-fiancee's ring that she gave him back. He asked if I wanted it, as I commented how gorgeous it was - I explained as beautiful as it was I didn't want it as my ring, or even to wear on another finger (it's not a traditional looking ring). So we tried to sell it with the plan we'd put the money toward one for me or buy something nice for the house (turns out second hand non-diamond engagement rings aren't worth much at all and nobody we know wants it so it just lives in the drawer and every now and then we find it and are like, well that's still there!).

So I can see your DH having the same thought as mine - it's a nice ring, maybe she'll want it - misguided as that is, but the fact that he just did it by deception and wasn't upfront is the bit he's really fucked up on.

dane8 · 16/11/2021 19:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CouldThisReallyBe · 16/11/2021 19:12

It's got nothing to do with the money/size of the ring and I don't even think it's about the lie (which is just lazy). For me he sounds very lacking in emotional intelligence if he can't see the significance of 'recycling' something as personal and symbolic as an engagement ring. That would be a deal breaker for me.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 16/11/2021 19:28

I'm pretty chilled but this would really piss me off!

I'd be telling him he needs to buy another engagement ring, and twice the size of the old one because he chose to lie to you.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 16/11/2021 19:29

I've just reread your update - she wore it!! I'd be bloody furious at this

Doubledenimrock · 16/11/2021 19:38

By doing that he is implying you are inter changeable...almost anyone will do, just bung em a ring ...any old ring.

aSofaNearYou · 16/11/2021 19:41

YANBU

The repeated lying about it makes this so disrespectful regardless of the arguments for or against it being practical, he obviously knew you wouldn't be comfortable with it.

SunshineCake1 · 16/11/2021 19:44

Not petty. Right to be annoyed. It does matter.

I'd refuse to wear it and would be reconsidering marrying him.

Offmyfence · 16/11/2021 19:46

@SunshineCake1

Not petty. Right to be annoyed. It does matter.

I'd refuse to wear it and would be reconsidering marrying him.

They're already married, she bought a wedding ring that was understated to deal with the engagement ring.

😞

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 16/11/2021 19:52

You are absolutely reasonable to be hurt and feel betrayed.

That specific ring that you wear was originally bought for another woman. Your husband actually placed it on another woman's finger as a token of his intent (at the time) to marry her. That is why the same person should not recycle engagement rings as the intention for what the ring was first purchased for that makes it inappropriate. Its different if you buy a second hand engagement ring from a pawnbrokers or similar as it is a new ring to that couple with no connotations of their previous relationships.

Basically he was too lazy to sell it and use the money to purchase another ring for you. It was too much bother to actually go into a pawnbrokers or place an advert for a private sale. He couldn't be arsed to go out and shop for a ring specifically for you.

To then lie to you directly to your face when challenged... well that is really awful.

He knew it was wrong or he wouldn't have lied. If he thought it was a reasonable thing to do then he would have no reason to lie, would he?

Tell him he has behaved disgracefully.

I couldn't continue to wear that ring for another second. He has tarnished a very special part of your relationship and if I was you I would be raging too.

SunshineCake1 · 16/11/2021 19:53

Would have been better to say in the OP you've already married him.

Offmyfence · 16/11/2021 19:59

@SunshineCake1

Would have been better to say in the OP you've already married him.
DH = Dear husband!

Pretty self explanatory?

Double3xposure · 16/11/2021 19:59

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

The function/purpose of an engagement ring is almost entirely symbolic (though it does have done additional purposes like its decorative function and a small amount of financial security for the woman). That's why the story behind it is so important. He's given you a ring which symbolises deception, interchangeability, and disdain for your feelings.
What an insightful post !