Pissed of at being hit on

[CloneWars]

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

@CloneWars

Urgh I just know what he's like. If I say look I'm not interested can you just leave it. He'll turn it back on me, oh it was only banter etc, I wasn't being serious

So let him!

Just say "not interested and you're married, I'm blocking you now"

Job done!

Your replies to him are leaving room for doubt.
A horrendous idea suggests that you have thought about it.
Fuck off suggests you havent and won't.

@CatonMat

Your replies to him are leaving room for doubt. A horrendous idea suggests that you have thought about it. Fuck off suggests you havent and won't.

Yes!

Yes I agree my boundary setting has clearly been shit.

Initially I tried to laugh it off and not take him too seriously and have a bit of 'banter' which has clearly backfired as I've lead him on which has now got me into this latest position but to think it comes across that I've actually encouraged this and am loving the attention. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I will however, put an immediate stop to it

Another point - if his wife looks at his phone and sees that message, she will (quite reasonably) assume you're encouraging him. I know I would if I saw that message on my DH's phone.

Don't kid yourself that being polite to him will save you from comeback - you will be the one who is tarred and feathered if it comes out. She has a vested interest in her relationship with him, but she won't give a shit about you.

So someone from a sports club has sent you a dick pic and you're not going to get him thrown out ?
I pity the next young woman he does this to.

I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I never understand this.
How hard is it to say "you are married, I'm not interested in anything other than respectful friendship with married men" ?

Sorry to be boring but if he did attack / rape you then I think those messages would be used to construe that you consented.

Don’t be alone with him.
He must have done it to all the women, probably several have played along.
He doesn’t care about your boundaries. Or really see you as a person.

‘No thanks to your offer’
BLOCK.
Ask someone else to keep you posted on event meetings.

Creeps just wanna creep. Being nice encourages them. Not your fault, don’t blame yourself.

@SillyLittleBiscuit

I’d message and say something like I’m not interested in flirting with married men, let alone anything else, so I’m bowing out of any further conversations.

This does nicely.

I wouldn't worry about awkwardness or anything from your point of view, OP. He's the one who is married and he knows you've got a phone full of evidence of his creepiness. Tell him straight and he'll back off.

I think what this boils down to, is that I didn't want to compromise my position in what is a very cliquey type of club by kicking up a fuss with a guy who holds a lot of power.

To make matters worse I actually really liked him (as a friend) in the beginning and felt almost betrayed when he started to push the boundaries. I also felt embarrassed and again not wanting to rock the boat too much, laughed along with his initial innuendos and then when it had definitely crossed a line (latest conversation) I should have put an immediate stop to it.

When he offered to send the dick pic and I responded with NO. He then pushed it a couple more times and I ignored him.

OMG 'is this serious?' and 'that would be a bad idea' are both come-ons.

'Bad idea' means the same as 'naughty (but I'd like to)' in many contexts, including this one, to him.

Stop trying to be tactful. Start being blunt.

Are you being serious? suggests that you want him to reiterate what he said.
Fuck off doesn't.

So far I've been trying to let him down gently as I would never shag a married man

Aaaaw Clone, I see you've addressed this in update - but THIS is your main problem.

You don't owe married shaggers "gentle let downs".
Next time it happens, be direct!
"I'm getting a flirtatious vibe from you, you are married, stop it."

When they - inevitably - come back with bluster & put downs saying they weren't flirting & don't fancy you & what is wrong with you etc etc ... take it.
"That's great, then there won't be any misunderstandings between us or anything your wife might mistakenly take for flirting from you."

Oh wow I've heard it all now. If he rapes me then he could use those messages against me? Fucking hell.

With your admitted 'banter' you've backed yourself into a corner. If you were to tell anyone at the club, he'll turn round and claim/ show that it was mutual.

Put a stop to it now, make it clear you'll only be responding to club related issues and only on the group chat.

For the future, keep in mind that banter rarely leads to any good.

I think what this boils down to, is that I didn't want to compromise my position in what is a very cliquey type of club by kicking up a fuss with a guy who holds a lot of power.

You won't compromise your position.
If Mr D Pic cuts up about you drawing a line in the sand, then tries to affect your standing in the club - take people aside quietly, one by one, & tell them WHY he is being stupid about you.
"I'm sure you won't want to see the evidence, but Mr D Pic is being weird with me because he sent me a revolting unsolicited pic of a part of his anatomy we won't mention here, & now I think he's lashing out at me because he's embarrassed."

The blame will then be squarely where it belongs.

I completely agree. I will not banter ever again. Clearly it's not worth the hassle.

Just to clarify, he didn't send me the dick pic, he offered. I said no. He asked a couple more times, I ignored.

@rookiemere, if she leaves the club because of no clear resolution she will be out of the sport entirely. Mr Nasty will be the cause and no one will know.
@CSJobseeker I agree about potential rapist, in my post I say tell the wife, it is near to breaking the law as it is.
Telling the wife because she is the power at the club.

Is it possible that OP is enjoying a frisson of excitement with someone who is the proverbial Mad Bad & dangerous to know?
But don't worry she knows that she can handle it if he really tries to tear the knickers off her. She's quite strong and she will just keep him talking.
NOT NOT NOT

This is exactly the reason I stopped using unisex gyms, female only gyms and sports sessions are the way forward!

And he stopped.
There is your answer.
That is how to stop him - by not engaging at all.

Just curious, the inappropriate banter - at what point did it cross a line, given that you're both in relationships? How far did it actually go?

I would have suggested quietly talking to the other younger women club members. My concern would be though, that one of them will talk to his wife, suggesting you've been making a play for him.

I suspect you won't be the first young women to be ostracised out of the club, for the sake of their marriage.

So sorry. This is shit. We're conditioned to 'be nice' and people please. You should absolutely not have to give up your hobby because of yet another boundary pushing entitled man. You do have some power here, because the last thing he'd want is for it to get out that he's sexually harassing members...

Ok maybe I am being extremely naive but how is saying - it would be a horrendously bad idea egging him on?!

Because if you genuinely thought it was a ‘horrendously bad idea’, you would completely and utterly withdraw. You wouldn’t engage.

‘Horrendously bad idea’ is - in the context of the line-pushing ‘banter’ you’ve previously been engaging in with him - virtually encouraging him to talk you around. To persuade you.

You’re not dealing with a socially adept, reasonable person here. You’re very obviously dealing with a boundary-pushing, letchy man, who has zero respect for his wife - let alone any other women.

I do think you’ve been very naive, but hopefully you can now see the wood for the trees.

No more engaging with him. It’s really very simple. You don’t need to leave the club, you just need to stop engaging with the dickhead.

Actually, I think I'd stay around, suss out the women a bit - who is friends with his wife, who is newer or younger and not part of that group. Then talk quietly to one or two of the younger ones, asking if they've experienced similar, or warning them about him.

Then if anything comes out later, you have a witness or two to the fact you think he's a letch and found the experience unpleasant.

You'd also have done your sisterly duty in warning the others. (I've certainly been warned to watch out for a few men, when joining a new club before. More serial daters than married sleazes in that case but useful).