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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:
UltimateBugKilla · 16/11/2021 17:07

@CloneWars i have 3 brothers, I love a bit of banter and love the 'bloke banter'

Ive been where you are, there's always one guy that takes it as something its not.

You've done nothing wrong, and its very easy to miss the signs at first then later on your kicking yourself, I just stop engaging, replying short replies to normal conversations/messages you can't really ignore, and you shouldn't have to stop going to the club because this bloke walks around with his dick in his hand waiting for his next conquest.

unname · 16/11/2021 17:07

Yeah, leave the bantering for when you are actually interested.
I have a hard time believing anyone is this naïve - I think you like the attention. Maybe you didn't expect him to take it any farther, but clearly enjoyed chatting with him. But if I was your partner and found these messages it would shake my trust in you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/11/2021 17:09

@CSJobseeker

He hasn't got the wrong end of the stick.

He knows you don't want to shag him.
He enjoys harassing you and making you uncomfortable.
And he's hoping that at some point you might be vulnerable enough to say yes.

Tbh, all the comments along the lines of "I know you want it really" make him sound like a fucking rapist. And rapists use these kind of message histories in their defence.

Up until I read this post I thought I was the only one who'd seen it.

OP posted this:

He says oh I'm going to make a beeline for you at the next party (with my cock out) and I'm not letting you get away. How could you resist your favourite team mate etc.

That's an open statement that he intends to override your consent. I see this as a very big red flag.

Of course, he might intend this as 'banter', and if questioned would be almost guaranteed to brush it off as such. On the other hand, he might mean it. The trouble with this is that women can never tell.

This leaves us in the frightening position of not knowing whether he's a harmless dickhead or a potential danger to us. Men KNOW what they are doing when they behave like this. It's clever manipulation and they thrive on the power of having put you in this position.

I understand why PPs have suggested he's the harasser and in a just world why the hell should you be the one to leave the club? The problem is that the world isn't just. Whether this man's intention is banter or something more ominous, these types are absolutely people to avoid like the plague.

Personally, I'd take up the sport elsewhere. FWIW I'm dealing with the same issue with a former colleague who has been stalking me in my workplace since before lockdown. It's shit, and I sympathise.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/11/2021 17:16

Oh stop revelling in the drama. Just tell him straight to stop it.

You don't need to involve 'the group' or anyone else in this.

Just knock it on the head.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 17:16

Christ on a bike what a frustrating thread.

So 5 hours and 230 posts later, have you blocked the bloke yet OP? Hmm

reesewithoutaspoon · 16/11/2021 17:17

Stop replying better yet block him. Every reply you give he reads as 'well she hasnt blocked me yet so there's still a chance'. you have made it obvious to him that your boundaries are poor by continuing to engage with him even when you felt uncomfortable. men like this know they can continue to push. The longer you stay engaging in conversation with him, the more he will take it as a green light that you are up for it. He even told you so when he said he had the measure of you.
Asking is this banter or are you serious comes across as testing the water to see if he's serious a bit like asking someone Oh are you married in an effort to suss out their relationship status. That may have not been your intention but I bet thats how he read it.

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 17:22

I have said several times I will not engage any further on a private chat. But as far as blocking him, if I do that then I'm not sure if that then blocks me off the main team group as he is the admin.

OP posts:
CatonMat · 16/11/2021 17:22

I would be bloody fuming if my partner had been carrying this on for 4 months, asking "are you serious" and talking about seeing "a full frontal".
It's not my idea of them accidentally getting caught up in something they couldn't put a stop to.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/11/2021 17:24

I'm not sure if that then blocks me off the main team group as he is the admin

Who gives a crap if this man is harassing you? It' up to you to stop it. Just resign from the group/block etc. If anyone asks you why then tell them...

Original poster
CloneWars · 16/11/2021 17:24

and yes, it's d rather have the opportunity to say to him look, enough enough. I'm not interested. Rather than blocking him out of the blue because that's something that I can see him getting shitty about.

OP posts:
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 16/11/2021 17:25

CloneWars - would you really be OK with your partner engaging in this kind of chat, sorry, ‘banter’, with another woman?

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 17:25

@CloneWars

Oh wow I've heard it all now. If he rapes me then he could use those messages against me? Fucking hell.
That poster was being factual. Messages like these have been used in so many rape defences it's unreal.

This man has shown himself to be an untrustworthy creep. He has shown that he's happy to harass you (over the dick pic). What makes you so certain he won't ever try to overstep more physical boundaries?

Rapists don't usually look like monsters. They look a lot like this.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 17:26

@CloneWars

I have said several times I will not engage any further on a private chat. But as far as blocking him, if I do that then I'm not sure if that then blocks me off the main team group as he is the admin.
So what if it does?

Just ask someone else in the group to keep you updated with anything important, because you've had to block him.

Or you could just continue the drama with him and on here too...

Charley50 · 16/11/2021 17:27

Oh god. Just stop replying to his messages. Is it that difficult?!

Charley50 · 16/11/2021 17:27

Block. Don't block. But just stop replying.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 16/11/2021 17:28

@CloneWars

and yes, it's d rather have the opportunity to say to him look, enough enough. I'm not interested. Rather than blocking him out of the blue because that's something that I can see him getting shitty about.
Confused

So you are going to continue to engage with him?

I thought you said you’d already told him several times you weren’t interested.

Why do you think telling him - engaging with him - for the 10th time is going to make any difference?

whitehorsesdonotlie · 16/11/2021 17:29

Screenshot messages. Or you know, share them on your club's social media so everyone else can see what a disgusting perv he is...
Then block him.

Suzanne999 · 16/11/2021 17:30

He sounds a creep.
Back up all messages.
Send one message saying quite blatantly and plainly you are not interested in him, never have been, never will be. Do not send me personal messages again.
If he does anything else the messages go to his wife.
From seeing how a married man has manipulated one of my friends for years I really think you have to be blunt. And keep all the evidence.

CatonMat · 16/11/2021 17:31

Yes.
Then screenshot your own and show your partner.
Just so they know none of this is your doing because you've been entirely clear that you arent interested. Confused

montysma1 · 16/11/2021 17:33

anf if he says that say "Fine then quit the banter please"

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/11/2021 17:33

it's d rather have the opportunity to say to him look, enough enough. I'm not interested

WHAT MORE OPPORTUNITY DO YOU NEED?

Just tell him to stop it.

You're just milking it now.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/11/2021 17:35

You're just milking it now.

Absolutely.

You kept up these conversations for 4 months. 😳

The very first time it moved into inappropriate territory you should have disengaged.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/11/2021 17:35

As I mentioned it's a rural sports team. It's like the focal point of the village that we live in. If I start telling people I run the risk of being a complete outcast

This is horrible and its exactly what he is relying on, but are you absolutely sure there's no one you can speak to?

You mentioned its there's a male team and a female team and sometimes mixed matches. Is there anyone in the female team you could talk to? Surely someone in your own team would understand or know who to report it to?

I once had to report an issue in a team and I heard a year later that the person involved was asked to leave due to another issue. So he will get his comeupance but only if you speak up. If you do find you have to leave the club, post his rude texts on the group WhatApp and tell them all why.

I agree with several other pps that his comments about the Xmas party sound rapey and now he is emboldened.
Stop worrying about being polite and make sure that you don't ever get into a situation where you are alone with him, but can't just walk out because it wouldn't be polite.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 17:36

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

it's d rather have the opportunity to say to him look, enough enough. I'm not interested

WHAT MORE OPPORTUNITY DO YOU NEED?

Just tell him to stop it.

You're just milking it now.

You're just milking it now

Now? 😂😂

I think that ship sailed about 4.5 hours ago...

SilverSandStorm · 16/11/2021 17:38

I hate the excuse "banter" I'm sure it's not banter to your partner or his wife Hmm