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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:

EnidFrighten · 16/11/2021 15:53

He thinks it's the thrill of the chase. Stop engaging. Any message makes him think he's on to something.

Wandawide · 16/11/2021 15:56

One of the early feminist writers wrote an article for a magazine saying Women (all) in the workplace but specially the senior workplace should develop a way of thinking and speaking 'like a man'.
A man under pressure as you are would not avoid talking to the people who can solve this neither would most duck an argument.
Talk directly to him, or his wife. Only they can help you fix this and stay in your sport. Show her the Dick Pic offer and having cocks out at a party. Tell her it is close to breaking the law, which it is.
A man would not string it out for 7 pages with random people who are bored on a dank Tuesday in November.
I have finished my tea, I'm going back to work, Good Luck.

2bazookas · 16/11/2021 15:56

dump him on his facebook page where his wife will see it?

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:02

@CloneWars

My response was - I think it would be a horrendously bad idea for many reasons.

Clearly I should have said - I'm not interested/I don't fancy you/you're married/fuck off - But I was trying to be tactful!

Fucking hell OP.

You know that that message implies that you want to. You're not that fucking naïve.

You weren't being tactful, you were egging him on.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:04

Usually, when people say "I think X would be a bad idea", they mean "I am tempted to do X, it would be fun/satisfying/etc. but it's a bad idea because [rational reasons]."

You are effectively saying "I'd like it to be serious, but it's a bad idea because of my boyfriend/your wife." That's what that message will be read as.

You're in your 30s - this can't be the first time you've had to tell a creep to fuck off.

Whydidimarryhim · 16/11/2021 16:05

Why do you keep engaging with him? Seriously - why are you asking him does he mean what he says?
Do you like the excitement - you don’t appear to be listening to anyone here.
You say you won’t respond - then you do - you are giving him mixed messages now -
Deal with it. He’s not going away and as your boundaries are poor he will push and push.
Time for the big girl pants to come out.

rookiemere · 16/11/2021 16:05

@Wandawide
showing the DW the offensive messages will absolutely not help OP retain her place in the team.
Likelihood either the DW will either know about her ghastly DH in which case she'll minimise and turn OP into the guilty one egging her DH on or she doesn't know and finding out will devastate her, likely causing the club to close.

I do agree though that a man would be unlikely to continue to participate in flirty banter for so long with someone he doesn't fancy. We're always hearing about guys ghosting people and here this would have been the most appropriate ( lack of ) response some time ago, but now will work too.

pinkgin85 · 16/11/2021 16:05

Why do you keep replying? I would have muted his chat and ignored him a long time ago!

Original poster

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 16:09

Ok maybe I am being extremely naive but how is saying - it would be a horrendously bad idea egging him on?! There were no double meanings there, it's the truth! It's a bad idea because he's married and I'm in a relationship. No I didn't specifically say 'and I don't find you attractive' because I guess I was trying to reject him tactfully.

Clearly I've played this all wrong and o should have gone with plan A - tell him to fuck off

OP posts:

itsureis · 16/11/2021 16:11

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has been suggested but why haven't you told the club and asked them if they think it's appropriate for someone who represents their club behaving like this ?

You can then decide what to do if they suggest that it's just 'banter'

Palavah · 16/11/2021 16:11

*Usually, when people say "I think X would be a bad idea", they mean "I am tempted to do X, it would be fun/satisfying/etc. but it's a bad idea because [rational reasons]."

You are effectively saying "I'd like it to be serious, but it's a bad idea because of my boyfriend/your wife." That's what that message will be read as.*
This

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:12

You didn't say "I don't want to". Which was the only sensible response if you actually wanted to say no.

Imagine you're at the pub with mates and someone suggests going to club after, for more drinking.
"Ah, that would be a really bad idea..."
"Sorry, I'm not up for that tonight"

Which of those responses culminates in you eventually going to the club because you were tempted all along, but just thought you probably shouldn't really?

Original poster

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 16:12

Omg how am I not listening?! I've said multiple times I am not going to engage any further!

OP posts:

Lifewith · 16/11/2021 16:12

But some men would like that. It's still attention, even if negative. Or he knows he's got to you and will keep pushing.
Pretending he doesn't even exist and ignore is the best way. Like he's nothing

melj1213 · 16/11/2021 16:13

The problem with "just ignore it" or "Don't engage" is that you aren't setting a firm boundary, so if/when you report it and the first question is "Did you tell him to stop?" And the answer is "No, but I ignored it/didn't engage with his comments" is that you have given him the perfect excuse that "I thought it was just banter since she was still messaging with me and she made no suggestion that she was feeling harassed or threatened, but if she had said so then I would have stopped/dialled back the banter"

By sending a message that explicitly says "Your messages are making me feel uncomfortable/harassed, stop now" there is no excuse any more - he has been told to stop and he either complies (and the issue goes away) or he continues and when you make a complaint to the board/committee you have it explicitly in writing that you asked him to stop and he continued, which he can't argue against. Even if you want or feel the need to leave the club, they cannot just sweep it under the carpet if you have explicit evidence to say he is harassing you, even after being told to stop.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2021 16:13

Screen shots and block.

If he says anything, or does anything that inconveniences you at the club, speak up loud and clear in public, announcing what he did.

Silence (in the face of inconvenience to you or harm to others) is complicity. That's what he's banking on. 'Our little secret'.

He is the one who should be ashamed, not you. Remember that.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:13

It's a bad idea because he's married and I'm in a relationship.

No, it's a bad idea because you don't fancy him and you don't want a relationship with him.

Remove the boyfriend and the wife - would you be up for it? If the answer is still no, it's not the boyfriend and the wife that are stopping you.

Lifewith · 16/11/2021 16:14

But you can ignore and still tell the club.

Original poster

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 16:14

If someone said I don't want to go to the club, it's a bad idea. I would accept they don't want to go to the club! I wouldn't read into what the 'bad idea' could mean. To me that's not relevant! I'd probably think it was the polite way of saying no! Which is what I was trying to do with him

OP posts:

rookiemere · 16/11/2021 16:15

Sorry OP I'm starting not to buy you now. You could have shut this down long ago by ignoring it, you didn't even need to tell him to F off, just ignore the messages- if asked you could have said you assumed they were for someone else.

You may not be doing it consciously , but it does read a bit as if you like the attention.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:17

But he has been sending you messages saying "I know what you really want, I've got you all figured out etc etc"

You don't leave ANY room for doubt with that kind of person. None.

I wasn't joking when I said he sounded like a rapist.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:17

argh, bold fail

Original poster

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 16:21

Ok to give some further clarity on the conversations, he's been messaging me for about 4 months, most of this has been sport related/friendly banter.

In that time, there have been 3 conversations which were on the suggestive/flirtatious side. The latest conversation was the one that was explicit (dick pic) and crossed a line hence I came straight on here to ask for advice, I've accepted the advice and said I won't engage with him again. I don't see how I'm 'loving' any of this.

OP posts:

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:23

OP - You are a woman in your 30s, in what I presume is a stable long-term relationship. Most women do not get to that age without having to put off a few creeps along the way. Most women also have plenty of experience of dealing with the kind of bloke who says he "knows what you really want".

You may have to do it politely, but you need to draw unambiguous boundaries if you genuinely don't want this sort of attention, and you can't be so naïve that you have no idea how to do that.

There are various tactics you could use, ignoring, blocking, turning it back on him ("I think you meant to send that text to your wife"), being upfront and stating that he is harassing you.... Just pick one.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 16:24

To go back to your OP - I think "fuck off" would do it nicely tbh.

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