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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed of at being hit on

394 replies

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 12:29

NC for this.

I joined a local sports team a few months ago. There's often joint training with the men's team and we also play mixed games. One particular guy was really friendly and welcoming and I thought we were building up a bit of a friendship. I should point out at this point, I do not/have never fancied this guy.

We have a WhatsApp group for both teams but then he started messaging me privately. Initially it was all to do with the sport, he was very complimentary about me etc, having a bit of banter but then he started to test the water, started saying a few things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, which I tried to bat off. He's now become quite blatant (via message) about the fact that he'd like to shag me.

I'm really pissed off because firstly he's married with kids and secondly that he's taken a bit of (what I thought) was friendly banter and is trying to get his end away. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but he's pretty persistent.

I now feel like I either have to tell him to fuck off - which is going to make things really awkward as he is quite influential at the sports team. Or walk away from the whole thing, which would be so disappointing as I really enjoy going and there aren't any other teams in the local area. Or, try and distance myself but accept that things are going to be awkward.

I'm not sure what the AIBU is - because I know that I'm not! I'm not fucking interested in this bloke but I just don't know the best way to handle it. Help!

OP posts:

Drinkingallthewine · 16/11/2021 15:10

It's been drummed into many women to be nice and not put up a fuss, that we are dried up old killjoys with no sense of humour if we don't find their sexual harassment welcome or fun. That we should be grateful a man is even taking an interest in us etc.

Apes like these use that ingrained habit of women to their distinct advantage...

MarigoldMoonStone · 16/11/2021 15:11

Stop replying honestly, people like this take any response as “you egging them on”
And I don’t see how he could talk his way out of him offering to send you a dick pic and afterparty just you and him, if it came to it.
I think if you ignore him he will just move onto someone else that does massage his ego

ErmineAndPearls · 16/11/2021 15:11

"Not interested. Have been with (insert name) for 5 years, would never cheat. Will never, ever sleep with a married man."
or
just ignore,,,
Don't leave the club!

Wandawide · 16/11/2021 15:12

It really might have to be a meeting with his wife. Yes there might be fall out in a big way.
However if you do /say nothing you will have been driven away from the club by him.
You might be better off speaking to the wife and explaining that you will have to leave if he doesn't stop.
If it gets into a serious argument she might decide that they both leave. That would be a win.

CreepingDeath · 16/11/2021 15:12

You keep tying yourself in knots OP, just be blunt and stop asking what he thinks or trying to second guess. Tell him not to contact you outside of the group chat anymore.

I'm sorry, it's shit but unfortunately you can't just be 'one of the lads' with banter etc. no matter how much you think you are.

Because a lot of men will always take it the wrong way. I had something similar in my 20's where I was in a big friendship group with quite a few guys, thought we got on really well could talk and joke about anything.

But then when my boyfriend and I broke up, and they pretty much all tried it on with me. I was horrified, I thought they were my friends, that I was just one of them...but it turns out they never saw me that way.

Lifewith · 16/11/2021 15:13

@CloneWars

So I actually asked him straight up the other night, are you being serious or is this all just a joke. His response? Oooh well there's only one way to find out

So that's engaging with him. This could have stopped ages ago

Ohpulltheotherone · 16/11/2021 15:15

Why do you care about the feelings of this tosser?

“Trying to let him down gently” ??? Give over.

Block or just don’t reply at all

He’s a prick but you’re doing yourself no favours trying to be nicey nicey - although I appreciate this is just how we are conditioned to be as women.

Take a stand and tell him he’s making you uncomfortable and block him

Jaxhog · 16/11/2021 15:15

Why not make friends with his wife?

PinkArt · 16/11/2021 15:15

Aside from all of the good advice you've had about shutting down the conversation, I would be VERY careful about making sure you're never alone with a man about whom you've said 'he's pretty persistent', and who's said things like 'he kept saying are you sure', 'I know what you really want', 'I'm not letting you get away'. Hell of a lot of red flags there. I know we shouldn't have to change our behaviour around creeps like this but please keep yourself safe.

beastlyslumber · 16/11/2021 15:18

If you can't block him because of the club messages, then I agree with pp, only respond to the club messages. Although, is there not a group chat for the club stuff? Seems weird that he has everyone's number and texts them all individually.

Stop worrying about being rude. He isn't worried about being rude and inappropriate with you, is he? The more you try to be tactful and sensitive, the more he manipulates the situation. Just say, "I'm not interested." "This is inappropriate." And ignore him.

I'd befriend the women in the group and not bother with the men. He will have creeped on all of them, and they may be able to advise how to deal with him. I'd also keep the screenshots in case you end up needing them.

ShowMeTheSugar · 16/11/2021 15:19

Just be straight to the point. Next time he sends you a message just tell him "Stop sending me messages like this, if its banter its not funny and if you're being serious I'm really not interested".

Asking him if its serious and half jokingly saying you'll tell his wife isn't going to shut down a man who clearly enjoys playing on grey areas to be a creep.

ShowMeTheSugar · 16/11/2021 15:21

Then I'd just ignore - there's nothing more to say after stop that will make any difference if he keeps going

Lifewith · 16/11/2021 15:21

Don't reply at all. Don't even read the messages. Delete as soon as pop up if not poss to block. Don't give it any more thought.

arootintootingoodtime · 16/11/2021 15:25

Stop replying completely - whether it's rapey, creepy jokes or a question about the times for training. Stop. It's the only way. Or block, but I can see you're not ready to do that.

Don't beat yourself up about how you've handled it. He's manipulative and creepy and he knows you're not interested but he's doing it anyway. Would you blame a friend of yours in this situation? It comes back to this vile idea of "asking for it". You having a bit of chat does not mean he should jump to thinking you want to sleep with him.

Saying that he's going to follow you around with his lad out is sexual harrassment and not on. For your own sake, you need to disengage completely.

1forAll74 · 16/11/2021 15:26

Just tell the guy to stop making his commnets that are overstepping the mark,as it annoys you. You have to knock men down if they are iffy idiots, Don't worry that he might take the huff, or become unpleasant if you rebuke him. it's his problem, not yours. Maybe don't chat on these whats apps things.

SaltyPepper · 16/11/2021 15:27

If you tell him he’s not interested and he does turn it back on you saying it was only banter, does it matter? If it stops him surely that is more important than him denying he was serious?

SaltyPepper · 16/11/2021 15:27

*your not interested

dottiedodah · 16/11/2021 15:29

I think he knows full well you are uncomfortable with this .I would take SkysBlue advice I think .If you do leave the club then maybe look for a more female led one .Some men just like to wind you up !

ArthurApples · 16/11/2021 15:31

You enjoy banter but you now want to be tactful, you just want it to end? Stop then, develop some boundaries (especially around your own relationship) and self esteem, 'banter' is mostly immature and rude, or low level bullying, its not funny. You are both in other relationships, act like it.

Original poster

CloneWars · 16/11/2021 15:32

He can't justify the message offering a picture of his dick, I can't see how he could worm his way out of that one but I think he's so cocky that he just assumes I wouldn't dare tell anyone. Which to be honest I don't want to. It's embarrassing and I'm ashamed for the initial jokiness. As I mentioned it's a rural sports team. It's like the focal point of the village that we live in. If I start telling people I run the risk of being a complete outcast.

I just need to ignore

OP posts:

Palavah · 16/11/2021 15:35

@shouldistop

Just stop replying to him

This. Block if you wish - you will still get messages in the group chat.

You've already pulled him up on it and he's turned it back on you, so there's no point in continuing the conversation 1:1.

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 15:48

@MorrisZapp

Ok so you're enjoying it and not looking to end the chat.

Agreed.

OP, just dont engage. If you engage, expect to get more of the same from him.

Lasair · 16/11/2021 15:49

Don’t reply. Just pity him, he’s a sad old man.

rookiemere · 16/11/2021 15:51

Unfortunately it's a tough lesson that most women learn in their lives. Never, ever assume a mixed sex friendship is just that unless the bloke is gay or it's one of your friends DHs - and even then I'd not take that one for granted.

There will probably be loads of messages about people's own platonic friendships with men and doubtless there are many, but my personal experience when younger and more attractive than I am now , led me to be very circumspect with males I didn't know that well .

RandomMess · 16/11/2021 15:51

Clearly ignoring is the best thing but I'd be so tempted to say "oh boyfriend didn't think your dick looked good so he's no longer interested soz"

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