To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

If it were the case that grieving parents (DH) could speak of their child, confident that the other person would react with empathy and without embarrassment, would that change be an improvement or a worsening? Perhaps those who support the husbands position could ask themselves whether they wish to perpetuate the fear of embarrassment or discomfort, knowing the level of distress it causes OP. Is it unreasonable to think that by the time you reach adulthood, being able to sit with others’ grief is a skill you should have?

But the dh shouldn't have to do something he isn't comfortable with, we can argue all day long that he should feel comfortable that people will respond appropriately but it doesn't change reality. He deserves the freedom to deal with it in the way that best suits him, the op also deserves that freedom but neither should enforce their views on the other. Maybe they can learn to support each other, maybe the disjoint is too much and their marriage won't survive but that's for them to work out.

This ^

I think the point here is that everyone can deal with such a terrible thing however they wish to but it seems the op is wants to police her dh,s method of how he deals with things.
I can only imagine your sorrow but I think you have redirected your anger and grief towards your husband in that you resent him for not being 'sad enough' for you
I think if you continue to take this view than your marriage is in very real risk of imploding.

OP
You have my sympathies. I can't imagine what it must be like for one of your children to die before you.

But I'm really sorry, I'm with your husband on this. If your husband died, and someone asked you if you have a husband, you wouldn't say yes, would you? You might say you're a widow, but you wouldn't say you are married.

Or if you had a pet and it died, and someone asked you if you had any pets, you wouldn't say yes.

As hard as it is, your daughter has died. You have three children now.
If you were asked how many children you have, you could say you had four, but your daughter died. But in all honesty, this will make the other person feel awful, and involve a long conversation about how it happened etc. I can really understand your husband not wanting to go through the story every time he's asked if he has children.

@MrsFin

OP You have my sympathies. I can't imagine what it must be like for one of your children to die before you.

But I'm really sorry, I'm with your husband on this. If your husband died, and someone asked you if you have a husband, you wouldn't say yes, would you? You might say you're a widow, but you wouldn't say you are married.

Or if you had a pet and it died, and someone asked you if you had any pets, you wouldn't say yes.

As hard as it is, your daughter has died. You have three children now.
If you were asked how many children you have, you could say you had four, but your daughter died. But in all honesty, this will make the other person feel awful, and involve a long conversation about how it happened etc. I can really understand your husband not wanting to go through the story every time he's asked if he has children.

Jesus!! So many things wrong with this post! Not least comparing the death of a child to a dog! And it doesn’t matter how “awkward” other people feel - that’s their issue.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, and I sympathise with your dreadful loss.
Men compartmentalise emotional matters. You’re probably aware that widowers remarry more often than widows, and within a shorter time. This doesn’t mean they didn’t love their wives, or mourn their loss, it’s just that they can put that part of their life into a file and start a new one.
After I was widowed I read a lot of books, studies etc.. and was quite intrigued at the difference in men and women.
Is it possible that your husband stops himself from becoming hurt again by not revisiting the loss of your daughter?
I can understand your anger with him as his expression of your daughter is so far from yours but I think it is more a coping mechanism than being deliberately hurtful.
Talk to him, tell him how you feel.

Four four you have four anyone who says otherwise is a Fucking idiot.

Sorry.

And I'm so sorry for your loss I really am.
But you have four children you really do I don't get why people could argue that fact.

Some people break
My heart they way they speak

I am not policing my husband's grief, manipulating or whatever some posters said. And no matter how many time (some cruel) people will say "He's right you now got 3 children". No,I do not. I have 4 and one of them passed away.

Can some of you stop speaking about me as if I talk about my daughter's death to everyone and anyone I meet please ?

If I wanted to "police his grief" I would have told his colleague myself. I did not. I shut my mouth and waited to be home to tell him about it. ONCE AGAIN, I hated the fact that he told me that I need to get over it, that she is indeed dead and I only have 3 children.

The past 2 years, he refused to open up. I never forced him to do otherwise. One the other hand I do talk about her, and I still don't understand why some of you think that this means I am controlling. I write about her, so I don't have to talk 24/7.

I don't expect him to be sad as again previously mentioned. I find it hard though that he decides to act as if she never existed.

I want to update all the kind posters about the situation. I went back home, tried to calmly discuss it and explained that if it is too heavy for him, he should do whatever feels comfortable for him and I would too. Once again he said " But how long is it going to take you to accept the truth? People die, it's life. We have 3 children , accept it and stop thinking about it."

I just said Ok.

Oh OP I don't blame you for being upset, it's one thing to have different ways of dealing with things, but it's another to not be able to talk about it with your husband and he is invalidating your feelings. I hope you both can reach a place where you can talk about it and support eachother.

Once again he said " But how long is it going to take you to accept the truth? People die, it's life. We have 3 children , accept it and stop thinking about it."

Is he normally so emotionally closed about other things? I'd find it hard to be emotionally close to someone if that was how they dealt with the loss of their own daughter. And it's not about whether his is the right or the wrong way to grieve but about as a couple how you are supporting each other and how your common life view no longer align.

I think I've phrased that really badly but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.

Once again he said " But how long is it going to take you to accept the truth? People die, it's life. We have 3 children , accept it and stop thinking about it."

🤔

OP - I am wondering why you didn't chip and say "actually we did have a daughter but sadly she passed away in 2019" ?

@LaGauchiste

I am not policing my husband's grief, manipulating or whatever some posters said. And no matter how many time (some cruel) people will say "He's right you now got 3 children". No,I do not. I have 4 and one of them passed away.

Can some of you stop speaking about me as if I talk about my daughter's death to everyone and anyone I meet please ?

If I wanted to "police his grief" I would have told his colleague myself. I did not. I shut my mouth and waited to be home to tell him about it. ONCE AGAIN, I hated the fact that he told me that I need to get over it, that she is indeed dead and I only have 3 children.

The past 2 years, he refused to open up. I never forced him to do otherwise. One the other hand I do talk about her, and I still don't understand why some of you think that this means I am controlling. I write about her, so I don't have to talk 24/7.

I don't expect him to be sad as again previously mentioned. I find it hard though that he decides to act as if she never existed.

I want to update all the kind posters about the situation. I went back home, tried to calmly discuss it and explained that if it is too heavy for him, he should do whatever feels comfortable for him and I would too. Once again he said " But how long is it going to take you to accept the truth? People die, it's life. We have 3 children , accept it and stop thinking about it."

I just said Ok.

Ah op, it hurts not to feel heard especially when it is about something so important it is much a part of you as your breath.

@LaGauchiste

I never wanted him to explain anything. A simple " I have 4 kids" would have been more than enough.

Thank you for your support and for those who tell me " Technically he's right you have 3 now". No. I don't.

As kindly as anyone can say it, you have three living children. You had four children but one passed away.

My brother died when he was four. I say I have xx brothers but one died when he was a child. I don’t say I have xx including my deceased (and very much missed) brother.

I think you still have (and always will have, in all honesty) problems dealing with her passing. I don’t blame you, I would be exactly the same.

Once again he said " But how long is it going to take you to accept the truth? People die, it's life. We have 3 children , accept it and stop thinking about it."

Its ok to tell him you will never accept you have 3 children

You can tell him accept that he will tell people this. You can even agree that, if the people you are with are 'his people' (like his colleagues) that you will accept what he wants to tell them.

But that if you are asked or they are 'your people' (or even joint friends etc) your answer would will be '4'.

And if at any point one of you decided to want to say something else that's OK.

This is why I suggested couples grief counselling. Not because you need to pretend to be ok, or change how you view this.

So you both can learn to understand eachoghers point of view and learn to communicate, without telling the other one their view is not ok.

He needs to accept, as much as you do, that you can't tell people how to feel about this. If you say 4, he has no right to to tell you, you don't.

Its really clear, op considers herself to have 4 children. Anyone saying 'well technically you have 3' is just being cruel at this point.

There's no technically about it. She considers herself to have 4. It's really that simple.

The OP has 4 children in her heart.

@Nyxly

Once again he said " But how long is it going to take you to accept the truth? People die, it's life. We have 3 children , accept it and stop thinking about it."

Its ok to tell him you will never accept you have 3 children

You can tell him accept that he will tell people this. You can even agree that, if the people you are with are 'his people' (like his colleagues) that you will accept what he wants to tell them.

But that if you are asked or they are 'your people' (or even joint friends etc) your answer would will be '4'.

And if at any point one of you decided to want to say something else that's OK.

This is why I suggested couples grief counselling. Not because you need to pretend to be ok, or change how you view this.

So you both can learn to understand eachoghers point of view and learn to communicate, without telling the other one their view is not ok.

He needs to accept, as much as you do, that you can't tell people how to feel about this. If you say 4, he has no right to to tell you, you don't.

It sounds to me as if he has not even begun to process the grief. It's probably going to hit him like a tonne of bricks at some point, unfortunately. At the moment, he and the OP are at totally different stages of bereavement. I don't have any experience of couples' grief counselling, but I would guess this is a common situation, that the counsellor might be able to help them address?

It's a hard/heavy conversation to have in that kind of an environment with people that you have just met.

I can see where he came from.

@MrsFin

OP You have my sympathies. I can't imagine what it must be like for one of your children to die before you.

But I'm really sorry, I'm with your husband on this. If your husband died, and someone asked you if you have a husband, you wouldn't say yes, would you? You might say you're a widow, but you wouldn't say you are married.

Or if you had a pet and it died, and someone asked you if you had any pets, you wouldn't say yes.

As hard as it is, your daughter has died. You have three children now.
If you were asked how many children you have, you could say you had four, but your daughter died. But in all honesty, this will make the other person feel awful, and involve a long conversation about how it happened etc. I can really understand your husband not wanting to go through the story every time he's asked if he has children.

I agree totally. You both HAVE three children now, you HAD four but you darling daughter passed away. You have 3 living children and one sadly is no longer here. I understand where he is coming from. There crux of it seems to be between have and had. Have being the present and had being the past. When talking to other people, it muddies the water because if you say you have 4 kids and they ask about each of them, you will need to say one passed away, if you say I had 4 but now I have 3 as one passed away, you still have to mention it. I just think the latter seems easier in a way to explain.

However being told to get over it is horrendous, there is no getting over it. It is the single most horrific, senseless and horrible thing to ever happen to a person.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow you could be right and that he hasn't processed it much at all and rather than just different ways of grieving they are also at different stages.

I haven't had it myself. But my parents did when my nana (mums mum) died. Mum took it so badly, she got so mad at dad that he hadnt appeared that upset when his own mother died. She was also mad that he hadn't prepared her for how bad it would feel. He didn't understand why she couldn't, still function on a day to day basis. Like he had when his mum died.

It really helped them, though it wasn't a joint bereavement.

Oh OP, I would not be ok with this. I’m pretty sure that if you saw a counsellor the first thing they would tell you is that all your feelings are valid.

No-one has the right to tell you to get over it and you must look to what you need. Recovering from profound loss is not a race and there are no time limits or requirements.

Forget about the people arguing semantics in the face of devastating grief. Reading all your comments shows that it is really not about that.

So much love and strength to you. Xxx

OK, I’m slamming my head on the table now.

Why do you think there is such a disjunct between them? Do you find the polarity of grieving styles and mutual incomprehension is purely based on personality differences?

Is it possible that their mutual incomprehension- and the absence of the language that might help them bridge the gap is partially cultural? Is it possible that the perceived discomfort regarding speaking about the deceased to acquaintances or strangers is because English Grieving Culture doesn’t equip acquaintances/strangers in empathetic responses to unexpected displays of loss/grief.
Compounded by English Cultures perception of death as a difficult/unseemly/inappropriate topic for conversation. In other words, is he afraid of his own reaction or that of the colleagues’?

If it were the case that grieving parents (DH) could speak of their child, confident that the other person would react with empathy and without embarrassment, would that change be an improvement or a worsening? Perhaps those who support the husbands position could ask themselves whether they wish to perpetuate the fear of embarrassment or discomfort, knowing the level of distress it causes OP. Is it unreasonable to think that by the time you reach adulthood, being able to sit with others’ grief is a skill you should have?

Why do you think you have such an in-depth knowledge of what the husband would actually want rather than accepting as an adult he is dealing with it the way he wants?

Is it unreasonable to think that as an adult you should accept the way someone wants to deal with the loss of their child and they should be allowed to do that, even if that’s different from their wife or you?

Because all your posts suggest is that you think that your way and your level of openness is the right way.

@Nyxly

Its really clear, op considers herself to have 4 children. Anyone saying 'well technically you have 3' is just being cruel at this point.

There's no technically about it. She considers herself to have 4. It's really that simple.

This!! Can people stop bloody telling OP that she only has 3 children! It’s cruel and insensitive.

I can only imagine he didn't want to blurt it out at the table, explaining what had happened.

Deep down - do you really believe he doesn't remember her? Or care? Or miss her? Of course not.

So I understand why you're upset but - where is the rule book on dealing with grief? Unfortunately there isn't one...