To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

‘ So why do I need help but he does not’

Because 2 years down the road you must understand how difficult it is talking about what has happened with new people and yes you’re allowed to be angry about what has happened but it’s unfair to be mad at your husband for not telling every new person about it.

Nothing will erase your daughter from your life, even the way you feel doesn’t.
I haven’t been asked yet how many siblings I have since my brother passed away, but I don’t think I’d explain about my loss to someone new, it’s awkward and intimate.
I had 2 brothers, now I have 1.
That doesn’t erase what I had.

It’s sadly the truth and I know people have said you can’t grieve wrong but I believe you can, in that… if you can’t accept what has happened and the angriness continues about it, you won’t ever truly start the grieving process until you’ve hit acceptance.

Life is really cruel, but there is joy to be had for everybody. People think I’m strong after what I’ve been through (not just my brother) but I honestly just felt guilty for not taking advantage of what I have every single day when there’s thousands of not millions of people out there every day fighting for survival and losing their battle.

There’s other ways to keep families memory alive without being angry and sad for the rest of what we have. What a waste.

People get therapy for less op, don’t deny yourself of something that could really help you.

My lovely aunt has lost both her children.
1 recently as a middle aged man, 1 a long time ago as a teenager.
She likes to talk about them sometimes with me or people who knew them.
If someone new asked if she had children I think she would say no. It's a huge thing to bring into small talk and it would upset her.
It doesn't mean that she doesn't love and miss them, and it makes me cry to imagine that everyday loss she feels.

Oh dear. I'm sorry that happened and of course you have every right to be upset and angry but it's probably just his way of coping with her death. Men aren't exactly known for being tactful. I'm sure he meant no harm.
Please talk to him

You say that you don't want therapy. Neither did I after my wife was taken from us. It helped me immensely.

Please consider going.

It’s sadly the truth and I know people have said you can’t grieve wrong but I believe you can, in that… if you can’t accept what has happened and the angriness continues about it, you won’t ever truly start the grieving process until you’ve hit acceptance.

That is true, too. I’m sorry for your loss and all the losses people have spoken about on this thread.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how painful that must be. And 2019 is not long ago, it must still feel very fresh for you.

I do agree with other posters that you can't tell him how to grieve either, and I think it's OK for him to approach it in this way with people who aren't his nearest and dearest. In his mind, he may not be dismissing your daughter's life and importance, he simply doesn't want to mention her to coworkers or other acquaintances, even as a number in passing. Maybe that's because it's painful for him so he's choosing to focus on your sons, maybe it's because he's afraid that even mentioning her might lead to a conversation in which it's assumed that she's alive and he'll end up having to reveal the sad truth to these people with whom he isn't particularly close--it may be that he wants privacy around that tragedy.

That's not to say that you're wrong for feeling differently. But I do think you'll need to accept that he doesn't approach it the same way. But I know that must be hard when all of you are hurting so much--how are your sons doing?

I don't think I'd ever stop feeling sad if my child died ... but I would definitely encourage you to seek counselling, not because you need to "stop feeling sad" or because you're grieving wrong, but just to help you and your sons and husband be as loving and present for each other as you can, while still having the space to grieve your lovely daughter.

I'm so sorry

@LaGauchiste

So I am grieving wrong but my husband isn't? While at the same time receiving a mass majority of replies who claim "Everyone grieves differently" So why do I need help but he does not, somehow his way seems to be " healthy";. So many people just keep contracting themselves but thanks.

To the poster who said that obvisouly my husband life was worst because I want to be sad forever, well he's a big boy and can move away. I am not "threatening" anyone with divorce. I am mad at him.

You are not 'grieving wrong' at all, but you cannot and should not expect anyone else to grieve in exactly the same way as you.

You husband may have been insensitive to your feelings by speaking how he did in front of you, but his grief process may be taking him down a different road, and that could have been his coping mechanism.

It's ok to feel angry, but not at him.

@Fatgalslim

Well he's not wrong, you DID have 4 children but now you have 3. I understand your upset and I'm very sorry about your daughter

I’m with this opinion OP. I’m very very sorry about your daughter but I imagine (maybe?) he was trying to avoid the, how old is she, what school does she go to conversation as the answer would be awkward and upsetting. I can see what you mean and understand how your feeling but maybe he was trying to employ a bit of self-preservation, people deal with grief in different ways. I know I wouldn’t want that conversation with people who I didn’t know that well/weren’t aware and I’d probably do the same

Sometimes is better to no explain to people in a social setting that you lost a child.
My sister died and most of the time I don't want to tell people that she died. Not because I don't love her I just don't want for people to know or talk about it.

This thread is about a woman that wants to talk about her loss

The thread is also about a man who doesn’t want to talk about his loss.

Where is your defence of his right to grieve his child in the way he wants to?

Why should he have to have painful conversations and explanations when he doesn’t want them to suit you and your way of grieving? Why does the right to grieve only apply in the way you see fit?

You want to hurt forever because your unconscious mind thinks that is how you will keep her alive. That's the first stage of grief, denial. And nobody anywhere would blame you for being stuck there because losing a child is utterly traumatic. It's not surprising you are still in denial. And you shouldn't apologise for being in that stage, it's absolutely understandable. You will eventually get to a place of acceptance, but it will happen so slowly you won't notice it happening.

The thread is also about a man who doesn’t want to talk about his loss.

This is very much how I read it too. Nobody is saying that the OP is “grieving wrong”, just that her DH may have his own (equally valid) reasons for his own actions and statements. I think it can be very hard to understand someone else’s thoughts and feelings when -understandably - your own are so raw.

@LaGauchiste

So I am grieving wrong but my husband isn't? While at the same time receiving a mass majority of replies who claim "Everyone grieves differently" So why do I need help but he does not, somehow his way seems to be " healthy";. So many people just keep contracting themselves but thanks.

To the poster who said that obvisouly my husband life was worst because I want to be sad forever, well he's a big boy and can move away. I am not "threatening" anyone with divorce. I am mad at him.

You aren't grieving wrongly. Nor is your husband. Just differently, and there is nothing wrong with that. You are both entitled to feel the way you do.

Your husband was clumsy and tactless in the way he spoke to you telling you to "get over it" (not possible in my opinion) etc. Only you know whether that was his intention or not, or whether you can move past those words. I admit that I would be furious with him too, and would probably have ripped him a new arsehole, but I still think that it is better not to make any hasty decisions just now.

It is the sort of tactless blunder my own DH would have made in the past. I once had to pre-empt him six months after his Dad's death from telling his Mum that she "should be over him by now!!" Yes, he told me he was thinking of saying that. I told him bluntly how tone deaf, wrong and foolish that would be, and why. He stopped in his tracks.

You seem to be taking offence at people trying to explain counselling to you and steer you towards it. Nobody at all has said that you need help and your husband doesn't. Some even suggested couples grief counselling. Maybe he needs help too, maybe he doesn't. Literally, none of us can possibly know that.

Bereavement counselling or support of some kind can help, but if you don't want it or aren't ready yet then that is your choice. My mother initially didn't want anything to do with it after my Dad died earlier this year. She would say incredulously "why on earth do people go to things like that?" She was becoming reclusive and we were worried. Then she reluctantly agreed to go and try a local support group when my sister said she would go with her the first time. She liked it, found her feelings understood and validated, has made new friends there and has gone weekly ever since by herself.

The support workers there have never once told anyone to "get over it" or "move on" because that really isn't what happens. It is help to learn to live with what has happened and your feelings about it, not an attempt to make you forget about or betray the person who has died.

I hope that you and your husband can both find a way through this.

This is such a hard read, your feelings are valid OP but you're in such grief maybe this forum isn't the right place for you? You have real pain and I don't know how much good can come from this thread, take care of yourself.

I hear you wanting to stay in grief but maybe a counsellor would still be someone who could sit with you in it.

@LaGauchiste your dh may also need help, if not now then at some point in the future. But you need help because you sound like you are being torn apart by grief and rage and no one deserves to live like that, it must feel like hell. Anger can feel like a protection against grief and despair but it is ultimately a destructive emotion. Please dont let it destroy you.

My dad had the attitude of ‘I want to be sad forever’ when my brother died. I would urge you to think about the impact this will have on your sons and on your DH and on any grandchildren you have/may have in the futures. You’ve all lost somebody and you all need each other. Turning on your DH won’t help and won’t bring your daughter back. I am sorry for your loss, it’s harder than anything imaginable but try not to alienate those who are also hurting.

I know you don't want to hear this but I'll say it anyway.
Get counselling.
When my dd died I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to die.
I was 7 months pregnant with dd2 at the time.
6 months after she died I finally admitted I needed help.
Counselling saved me. I know that sounds stupid but it's true. It was very painful and hard I cried in every session. DH grieved very differently from me and I couldn't understand it. Counselling helped me see that everyone's different and grieves differently.
I had counselling for 1 year.

I can see why he may not have wanted to bring it up at the pub, even saying "three boys and a girl" could have prompted further questions which would have forced the truth out, which may have been too painful.

However, his behaviour after you got home was arseholeish.

Your DD died 2 years ago, he ought to be able to say something that doesn't upset him or make the room go silent.
My younger sister died and I soon said to strangers, "no brothers, used to have a sister got used to it now".
But I always turned the conversation off so they didn't ask how.

This.👆
Perhaps he is the one who needs counselling to learn how to mention his dd without feeling awkward.

I would have corrected him immediately. “Actually we also had a dd who passed away, but yes just the boys now”.

I’m not surprised at how you feel, I would be cross too.

@LaGauchiste

So I am grieving wrong but my husband isn't? While at the same time receiving a mass majority of replies who claim "Everyone grieves differently" So why do I need help but he does not, somehow his way seems to be " healthy";. So many people just keep contracting themselves but thanks.

To the poster who said that obvisouly my husband life was worst because I want to be sad forever, well he's a big boy and can move away. I am not "threatening" anyone with divorce. I am mad at him.

Wasn't the conversation with his work mates? Surely his opinion on what he wants to share with them as he is the one working with them is the one that's valid in this situation. If he was stopping you talking about it with your friends etc then that would also be wrong.

So sorry for your loss OP

@MultiStorey I’m slamming my head too! I’m
Shocked at the majority of replies on this thread. OP is apparently wrong for not wanting her Dh to deny their dd’s existence??! Op needs to counselling in order for her to understand that denying their dd’s existence is totally normal?!
Ffs I can hardly believe what I’m reading here.

@MissyB1

This.👆 Perhaps he is the one who needs counselling to learn how to mention his dd without feeling awkward.

I would have corrected him immediately. “Actually we also had a dd who passed away, but yes just the boys now”.

I’m not surprised at how you feel, I would be cross too.

I'd have been really annoyed with DH if he did this to me.

They we're meeting OP's DH's colleagues, so her DH is the one that gets to decide what gets shared with them, whether that's details of his family or anything else.

I spoke to a counsellor after my DD was stillborn and we talked about acknowledging my daughter or not. She was fully supportive that it isn't always necessary to mention her. It's important to to the right thing for me (or jointly with my DH depending on the situation).

In this case, there's clearly a conflict between what is right for OP and what is right for her DH that has upset them both. That suggests they should have a discussion about how they should approach it in future, which might be best done with the support of a counsellor. But the OP doesn't have the right to make the decision for both of them.

I would strongly encourage OP to access counselling. Not because it takes away the sadness - I'll always grieve for my DD - but because it can help to work out how to deal with the sadness.