To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

OP can talk about her loss, and clearly does.

She can’t insist that her DH be willing to talk about it with new colleagues in a social situation.

to @LaGauchiste, in case that sounded harsh.

Grief carries with it insurmountable pain, particularly in the early days, and within that pain it’s very common to lash out. But the two of you need each other. Reach out to him and talk about it, calmly and gently. He’s not you, you’re not him, but there’s space for both approaches.

Who is telling her to STFU? Everyone that voted her as being unreasonable in my view. Everyone that has commented that it would make others feel uncomfortable because it has to be explained.

In your view? It may come as quite the shock to realise the world doesn't revolve around your thoughts. Others have very clearly explained that ops husband may well feel uncomfortable explaining, but here you are, once again, arrogantly explaining why actual bereaved parents are wrong because they aren't doing things the way perceive they should.

And your last paragraph is arse about tit, to be frank. This thread is about a woman that wants to talk about her loss and getting very very clear signals that society would much rather she didn’t because it is difficult or embarrassing for others

Her husband didn't want to explain. You know, the other parent. That's his perogative.

The more you talk as if you're some kind of authority, the more it's becoming clear you know absolutely nothing at all.

The more you talk as if you're some kind of authority, the more it's becoming clear you know absolutely nothing at all.

Isn’t that always the way though...

Blah blah blah without a single understanding of nuance.

God some of these comments are abhorrent, losing a child, so recently too, is for most quite literally the worst thing imaginable. YABU OP, but try to connect with him more effectively and explain to him why his denial pained you so.

Who is telling her to STFU? Everyone that voted her as being unreasonable in my view.

Maybe take another read then…

Because it says ‘AIBU? I never want to see him again’

So that’s what people are voting on, not whatever made up crap you’ve extrapolated from posts

Oh OP your last update is so sad

The posters who described it as progressing at different paces I think are the best analogy. To me it sounds as though the OP is not ready to progress while her husband has taken more steps down the road and they are in a position where communication is difficult between them because of this.

So sorry for your loss yabu, your dh may not want to bring the mood down by mentioning dd

Who is telling her to STFU? Everyone that voted her as being unreasonable in my view. Everyone that has commented that it would make others feel uncomfortable because it has to be explained.

Oh you decided that means stfu. When it doesn't. That's not what people are voting on.

Again, another thing you have just made up. The vast majority of who have said she is, are talking about her husbands feelings.

So, no one is telling her to stfu.

And your last paragraph is arse about tit, to be frank. This thread is about a woman that wants to talk about her loss and getting very very clear signals that society would much rather she didn’t because it is difficult or embarrassing for others

Its not though. You just dont want to answer. Because no one is saying f she can't grieve in her own way. She just can't dictate how her husband does.

Again, you actually wouldn't tell someone this is real life. So much for the 'well I do dare'.

The want her to grieve only in the way that they deem appropriate

Oh the absolute irony of you saying this.

A relative of mine died young and knew she was dying and asked us all to make sure her death didn't cause anyone else to stop living.
Thank you for sharing that, @NeverChange, I think that is beautiful, and such a thoughtful thing for her to say.
Two friends of mine died young from cancer, and they both gave their partners permission to be happy and move on. Those individuals were beautiful, generous souls who are never forgotten, always missed. Because of what they said, their partners have been able to move into happiness without forgetting them.
I hope you can work this out with DH, OP. It's a bit unsettling that you feel he should be allowed to be happy but you do not want that for yourself. Best wishes.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DD.
My auntie lost her DS 10 years ago and still grieves often.
There is no given or right time for how long a person grieves for. I agree with you that I would also include them in the number of children we had but I would say, we have three sons and a daughter who has sadly passed away.
I hope you’re ok OP. Xx

@MultiStorey

In your view? It may come as quite the shock to realise the world doesn't revolve around your thoughts. Others have very clearly explained that ops husband may well feel uncomfortable explaining, but here you are, once again, arrogantly explaining why actual bereaved parents are wrong because they aren't doing things the way perceive they should.

These are the texts
X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

He sent those messages to her, and expects to have a (marital) relationship? And you think he is reasonable, and I’m off the wall?
Absolutely implicit in those texts is that he doesn’t see their daughter dying as being a big deal, and that he is over it. You appear to support that, and that if OP could just replicate her husband’s actions and ways of thinking then this would blow over.
Even if the “not a big deal” only refers to him denying her existence, there is still the implication that he is over the death.

I agree that the messages seem very detached and lack compassion. He should have worded it much more sensitively to his daughters grieving mother.

I really don’t think this needs to turn into a bunfight on OP’s very sad thread. OP asked and can take everyone’s comments/advice and apply or discard them as she sees fit.

X She is dead, get over it[...]You need to stop making it a big deal[...]don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth.

That's not anyone telling the op to forget her or anyone on this thread telling her to stfu though?

I don't think he should have said that. But given the argument started over her telling him how he should handle it, I can see how 2 grieving parents can depends into saying very hurtful things to eachother.

Some of us can think both are wrong in someway AND still have sympathy and understanding for both. You can't, but you don't get to dictate that your way is right.

Who has said op needs to grieve like him? The vast majority of people have said she needs to let him grieve his own way.

How you manage to tie yourself in knots and think that means op must grieve in that way, is just really really odd.

So I am grieving wrong but my husband isn't? While at the same time receiving a mass majority of replies who claim "Everyone grieves differently" So why do I need help but he does not, somehow his way seems to be " healthy";. So many people just keep contracting themselves but thanks.

To the poster who said that obvisouly my husband life was worst because I want to be sad forever, well he's a big boy and can move away. I am not "threatening" anyone with divorce. I am mad at him.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

I really don’t think this needs to turn into a bunfight on OP’s very sad thread. OP asked and can take everyone’s comments/advice and apply or discard them as she sees fit.

Totally agree

@LaGauchiste

You both need to respect that you are both grieving differently and find a middle ground when it comes how you discuss things along the way.

I do think you need to consider how your “I want to be sad forever” approach risks having a negative impact on your Sons along the line. Of course you will always be sad and it doesn’t bear thinking about but whether you like it or not life does go on.

@LaGauchiste

So I am grieving wrong but my husband isn't? While at the same time receiving a mass majority of replies who claim "Everyone grieves differently" So why do I need help but he does not, somehow his way seems to be " healthy";. So many people just keep contracting themselves but thanks.

To the poster who said that obvisouly my husband life was worst because I want to be sad forever, well he's a big boy and can move away. I am not "threatening" anyone with divorce. I am mad at him.

No you aren't grieving wrong. You are grieving how you are.

But you can't tell him how he needs to grieve. You can't make him want to bring it up.

But I can understand why you feel like you do, why you want him to talk about your daughter, why it hurt you.

But I can also see the same for his position.

I can also see how you have both ended up arguing about how the other one needs to deal with it differently.

Neither of you are wrong in how you are dealing with it. Neither of you are right to try and force the other to deal with it differently.

There really are situations where no one is entirely right and no one is entirely wrong.

No one is grieving wrong. Not you, not your DH, not your other children. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

People have given you advice from their own experiences and some of that might actually be very helpful to you - especially if they have the wisdom of being years down the line from where you are now, to be able to look at things in hindsight or for example to offer the perspective of siblings in your situation. But they’re not necessarily saying you’re doing it wrong.

Those who’ve got on your case and been nasty/cruel/unfeeling or otherwise deliberately and unnecessarily derogatory toward you personally or have in any way stated that you’re doing it wrong or ‘not dealing with it well’ are not worth giving any consideration as they have no understanding of what they’re talking about.

I don't think that you are grieving wrong, but you are wrong to tell your husband how to grieve and what he must tell other people, I'm afraid.

I think that, had you said to your DH, calmly, that in future you'd prefer him to mention that he did have a daughter (or does, his choice) when you are around if he could possibly bear it, because you know she isn't here any more but you need him to acknowledge her place in the family once in a while, he might actually have been more receptive to it. What you did instead was berate him for being unfeeling (when he is no doubt very sad too), which backed him into a corner.

I think it is absolutely natural to want to try to preserve as much of your DD as possible. At the moment, that means preserving the loss and the sadness - my PIL were exactly the same when my BIL died. Now, we all try to talk about memories of him with them as much as possible - "X loved that, he was always so well dressed" etc etc - it is less raw, but it will never go. My DH doesn't feel the same way as his PIL in terms of talking, but he has some cherished possessions that he really values and I know he is thinking of him when he uses them.

I think you may need grief counselling, NOT because you are doing it wrong, but because grief is really, really hard and because you have other children, who you do need to feel happy for from time to time. And a DH who you need to forgive for feeling differently about grief to you. You do not have to put grief in a box and seal it shut, but you do have to be able to make sense of living.