To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

[LaGauchiste]

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

The extent to which people are shamed into not discussing the death of a child is clear on here. Your husband's treatment of your feelings on this are brutal. I hope you find a way of tackling the lack of support fr your husband on this.

Some people are more ‘quiet’ in their grief, in that they’re not outwardly emotional. Talking about feelings doesn’t help everyone, for some is keep them trapped in the trauma.

I think you need to accept that he feels that he has three children now. I imagine the situation was more than tense when you ‘confronted’ him at home, and I can see how that would have escalated as it did. He didn’t want to be confronted as if he did something wrong, same as you wouldn’t want to be if he pulled you up on saying you have four children.

You have different ways of processing your loss, and it seems like neither one of you understands the other, resulting in anger and frustration. Your husband isn’t ‘wrong’, any more than you are ‘right’, but your different ways of coping have resulted in a gulf opening up between you.

The OP considers herself to have 4 children. The OPs DP considers himself to have 3 children. That's entirely the crux of the issue. And each one is getting increasingly frustrated with the other for not aligning with their point of view. That's why couples grief counselling would probably be helpful, to help both of them understand that the other person can grieve differently, and see their new reality differently, and that's OK.
OP, I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how horrendous it must be to lose a child.

@3scape

The extent to which people are shamed into not discussing the death of a child is clear on here. Your husband's treatment of your feelings on this are brutal. I hope you find a way of tackling the lack of support fr your husband on this.

There are all sorts of reasons why parents don't want to discuss the death of their child.

@MissyB1

This.👆 Perhaps he is the one who needs counselling to learn how to mention his dd without feeling awkward.

I would have corrected him immediately. “Actually we also had a dd who passed away, but yes just the boys now”.

I’m not surprised at how you feel, I would be cross too.

It is his choice whether or not to reveal he has a deceased child. Counselling will not change that. People have a right to their privacy.

Op also had a choice to reveal they had another child as she was part of the conversation. Neither are wrong in this situation.

It is cruel and insensitive (your words) to suggest he must learn how to cope with revealing his pain to people he has only just met.

It is something I can imagine my SN son saying.

I think you may need grief counselling, NOT because you are doing it wrong, but because grief is really, really hard and because you have other children, who you do need to feel happy for from time to time. And a DH who you need to forgive for feeling differently about grief to you. You do not have to put grief in a box and seal it shut, but you do have to be able to make sense of living.

I think this is the most important and useful post in this thread. It's perfectly put, and I really hope that you can read it with an open mind, OP. All five of you have had a devastating loss. Your other children need you, too.

@headintheproverbial

I can only imagine he didn't want to blurt it out at the table, explaining what had happened.

Deep down - do you really believe he doesn't remember her? Or care? Or miss her? Of course not.

So I understand why you're upset but - where is the rule book on dealing with grief? Unfortunately there isn't one...

Except did you read her update on what he says when they are not in company?

your other children need you too

Dear God the stuff people are writing! So because OP still considers herself the mother of 4 children, she is not meeting the needs of the 3 living children??? Where did you get that from?

@MilduraS

I'm heart sorry for you, I really am

And to all the mums posting who have lost a child ❤️

@MissyB1

your other children need you too

Dear God the stuff people are writing! So because OP still considers herself the mother of 4 children, she is not meeting the needs of the 3 living children??? Where did you get that from?

No. We think that her other children are likely to be being affected as she says she doesn't want therapy because she wants to be sad for the rest of her life, and wants to die sad. That has to be really hard to live with for those around her.

What is wrong with some people here really it’s horrible to read just be kind

Read about about grief be kind that is all you need to be

There is no right or wrong way or stages one by one that we follow.

Wanting to be sad forever is a not an unusual feeling to have. Grieving for a child is very different. Therapy isn’t for everyone and it’s certainly not for someone who feels they do not want it (some change their minds others don’t)

I worked as bereavement therapist I would hear this often I want to be sad forever.
Think what is being said I can’t and I won’t let go. The op is in so much pain

Just be kind

he sounds unneccesary cruel -who said you dont know its true yes its true but doesnt mean you have to sotp talking about her like she never existed

Sometimes it avoids unnecessary awkwardness and he may not have wanted to discuss such a personal situation with acquaintances so I get that, however this - Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore" is a hideously insensitive thing to say to you

Its really clear, op considers herself to have 4 children. Anyone saying 'well technically you have 3' is just being cruel at this point.

It's not really a technical issue.

It's the difference between had and have. It's very painful and regardless of what your husband says, I'm sure he absolutely doesn't and never will forget your daughter.

The question of how many children you have must be a massive trigger for a parent who had lost a child. You just wish people wouldn't ask. Grief can be so complex and individual.

I don't think he was wrong in how he answered the question, however his subsequent comments are not nice and totally lack sensitivity. It's not something you ever get over, you just learn or try to live alongside the grief.

It is for a long time your first and last thought every day. I simply don't understand people saying get over it or you should be over it by now. It must hurt even more to hear that from your husband.

There will ALWAYS be a sad part of you, but I really hope that won't the the only thing you feel for the rest of your life. You are still allowed to find joy in other things, in your 3 sons, in possible grandchildren, in your husband. The sadness will still be there, but do you really want your sons to lose you as well as their sister?

YANBu, OP and sorry for your loss. Of course you have 4 children, you have birth to them and raised them. One is gone now, you can’t just pretend like she was never there. It might be that this is the end of the road for your relationship, which isn’t uncommon in such traumatic situations.

@LaGauchiste the raw pain in your posts is palpable. For what it's worth, I honestly think that I would feel the same.

OP of course you have 4 children. I’m sorry for your loss. Looks like you and your husband are grieving in a different way, I agree some grief counselling as a couple may help.

I’m sorry if I sound insensitive - you said that you want to be sad and to die sad. Is this what your daughter would have wanted? You don’t have to “move on” but you can “move forward”. There is a beautiful TED talk on this, I can’t take credit for this idea

I’m really sorry for your loss.

I am probably going to sound crazy, but I want to be sad forever, I would feel like I am betraying her if I ever felt OK again.

You don’t sound crazy, you sound utterly bereft, understandably so. You wouldn’t be betraying her to live a happy life, I imagine that possibility feels like a million miles away just now though, and it’s only been 2 years.

A child in my DCs school died and I remember my 8 year old DS saying that he or his sister died “mum would be so sad she would cry herself to death”, and he’s right, I think I probably would. If an child can understand that, I’d hope an adult would too. Counselling may help even if it just gives some space for your grief.

I can’t believe people telling OP she has 3 children now. When your Mum dies do you then tell people you don’t have a Mum, you just appeared Adam and Eve like? OP has 4 children. One of them is dead - but that doesn’t erase the 20 years she was alive. I cannot even imagine saying I had 2 children if one of mine died.

I can’t believe people telling OP she has 3 children now. When your Mum dies do you then tell people you don’t have a Mum,

Well yes. I would say I had a mum, but she died a year ago, or whatever.
I don't actively have my dad. He died a few years ago. I miss him terribly, but I don't talk about him in the present tense.

@Ledition

Sometimes it avoids unnecessary awkwardness and he may not have wanted to discuss such a personal situation with acquaintances so I get that, however this - Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore" is a hideously insensitive thing to say to you

It’s also hideously insensitive to insist that a grieving parent is in the wrong for his belief that he had 4 children, but now has 3.

He has handled it poorly, but the man was confronted (her word) about the way he dealt with it. They’ve both been insensitive to each other.

And is probably an example of why, so sadly, so many relationships break down after the loss of a child.

@Wannakisstheteacher I guess it's because the op is upset that her husband doesn't talk about the child in the present tense and so people are just explaining it from his perspective, he feels he doesn't have four children, the feels they do. Strictly speaking and also in the grammatical sense the op has three children and sadly the other has died. Grief is hard and if the op wants to still consider her child as being in the present then that is fine, but equally her husband's take on things is also fine. If it was me I would have said something like, three sons yeah, but I also had a daughter who sadly passed away several years ago. That's just me though, I'm not afraid to me too death or of others being uncomfortable with what I say. That's their choice. We all deal with things differently. And I think husband needs to understand why op may be upset, but op also needs to try and understand husband's perspective too. Both are grieving for their daughter