To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

@Xenia

Most of my children have more than I did rather than vice versa! So it is quite hard to generalise. We children born in the 1960s have all managed to send our children - the 9 cousins - to private schools from age 5 - 18 and the next generation is doing the same. My parents in the 1950s and us in the 80s and my own children have all bought a home before we bred and with 2 full time professional salaries. I worked until I went into labour and went back full time after two weeks (not months, weeks) which I am not sure all women are prepared to do in today's easier times....

You forgot to mention the ancestral coal-miners in this post, *@Xenia. I thought it was compulsory from your little bulletins, along with private school from the age of five for all the @Xenia* offspring.

Welcome to the Daily Mail

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10204433/Mother-embarrassed-children-wont-privileges-growing-up.html

Ah well.

The crazy, artificially propped-up housing market in the UK is the biggest problem

I totally agree. And It doesn't just impact housing. The skyrocketing rents price shops out of city centres and make it impossible for many small employers to pay above minimum wage. The housing boom of the 80s under Tatcher and then again under Blair should have been regulated so it didn't come to this. It's skewed our economy so badly.

Just be happy that you are providing for them there are parents out there who don't even do that. Sometimes life doesn't deal us the cards we'd like and we just have to play the hand we're dealt. Remember things now are more expensive than when you were growing up too

I would feel the same but private school fees and housing is incomparable to what it was 20/30yrs ago.

@lonelyapple

Unfortunately the baby boomers have taken all the wealth so every generation after will have less.

I don't see how the wealth was "taken" by us boomers, and if it was, I doubt very much it was intentional.

Yes, I bought a house for £24k, and sold it 9 years later for £49k, but I bought another house (which I'm still living in) for almost exactly the same amount, so didn't trade up. I only bought a house because it was the only way I could get somewhere secure to live, and when interest rates hit the roof, I had to do 3 jobs and have a lodger to cover the mortgage.

I never earned significantly more than an average wage and my period working in the public sector earned me a "gold-plated" pension of a princely £300 a month. My parents lived in a council house and my brother and I inherited just over £10k each when they died. Nice to have, but not life-changing.

I don't think any of us could have foreseen that house prices would increase tenfold or more in 30 years. None of us can see the future, and I really can't see how I, and most of my contemporaries, have "taken" anything from anyone.

And I certainly never voted for the lot that sold off council housing and refused to let councils build more homes with the money they got from selling them, increasing pressure on the rented sector and contributing to house price inflation.

If I'm lucky enough to die before I am incapable of looking after myself, my home will be sold and the "wealth" will be passed down to the next 2 generations. If it all goes on care home fees, the £80k or so that will be left will probably be just about enough to treat them to a nice holiday.

Nothing to be guilty about...... The cost of housing and school fees has increased far more than salaries. Without family money / grandparent assistance there are few professions that generate sufficient income.

I went to private school, my parents had a bigger house than I do. I'm delighted to not be sending my kids to private school - I think they are both doing better at their state schools than I did, and I'm not getting stressed about paying fees. Our house is not as big, but it's plenty big enough.

We are the generation that are poorer than our parents. Wages have just not kept up with the cost of living.

We live in a bigger house than I did, but not in as nice a location. I went to private school. There is no way we could afford to send our kids to a private school and I think this is pretty common.

I would not feel guilty about it though. It's just life now for most people that we have less than our parents did.

You both have had a good education and that will be a huge advantage to your children as you can help them with their schooling . You are very fortunate in many ways enjoy what you have , many have far less

@Movingsoon21

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

“My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class,”

You cannot become upper middle class if you began as working class. That’s not the way it works. You can be as poor as a church mouse but if your parents and grandparents are/were middle class then so are you.

Consider this:

Would a lottery winner become middle class just because they suddenly acquired a lot of money and they had been a bin man or a supermarket checkout girl before the big win?

You're in a privileged position and so are your children particularly as they can attend private school.
My two oldest children in mid and late twenties are already earning almost twice as much as I do so it's very much about career choice. My friends daughter has attended a private boarding school costing almost 30k per year and has recently decided she wants to nurse. Her family are horrified and obviously thought of her education costs as an investment in a much better paid career. You don't really want to be that parent.

Hi op, this is the fallacy that we all have fallen for - that a system that relies on such inequality can bear a constant rise in everyone’s standard of living. If there were no private schools the general education all round would be better, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to better paid work or living conditions. We have all been sold a lie.
It is not your fault but we are made to feel it is..I still feel bad that because my now grown up children did not want to accrue huge debts neither has a degree, whereas I benefitted from free higher education.
I didn’t vote for the party that took this away, or the party that has increased the cost of living for poorer families but not richer ones.
We have to start re learning as a society to place value on sustainable living in a broad way.

Would a lottery winner become middle class just because they suddenly acquired a lot of money and they had been a bin man or a supermarket checkout girl before the big win?

Class isn’t just about wealth so the answer is no, but to move class often people need to move into skilled professional roles. It is wholly possible to come from a working class background and become upper middle class as an adult.

There are ceos of large multi nationals who grew up in care, who now earn several million a year and are highly educated, and many in other roles from lawyers on, who socialise in certain circles, have certain interests, and the over all umbrella moves their class.

Class is not about money. It’s so much more complicated.

I haven’t been in your shoes so trying not to judge too harshly but this sounds like this is far more an issue for you than it will be for your children, unless you make it one. The exception being if you are bringing your children up predominately around families much better off than yourselves.

You might think the upbringing you had was great but then many of us brought up with less materially will be thinking the same as me, that we’re glad we know happiness can exist without it being dependent on us being rich. For example we don’t feel tied to jobs we don’t enjoy because we’re scared of life without a certain income or tie ourselves up in knots over which school our child goes to or how they are performing academically etc.

Also those of us who have experienced true poverty will know also that the impact of not being able to afford enough food, decent housing etc is far removed an experience than that of actually being able to afford the basics.

I work with many different families and the happiest with the fewest mental health issues among them and their children don’t seem to be those at the lower or higher end of the income scales. The happiest seem to typically be those family’s who live in their decent but not posh 3-4 bedroom house they usually own, enough for the basics and maybe the odd luxury, skilled trade/lower middle class and most important factor seems to be happy relationship between the parents, close family support and a good network of friends

I am in the same situation as my mum never worked and my dad had a small company and they could afford a huge 5 bed house. I've now bought a small house myself at 30 and was feeling proud of it but have had a lot of criticism from my parents, nasty comments when they visit and sneering looks. My dad in particular denies that his generation had any advantages in house prices and that they earned their home through hard work etc and how us milenials are lazy and he could afford the same house today. My mum also constantly talks with excitement about house prices going up and how she's happy her house is increasing in value. They also talk about houses at 400k being sooo cheap It's really annoying to be honest and has made it hard for me to relate to my parents and has driven a wedge between us as they just can't see life from my perspective. I guess it's part of getting older and living in a small village in the middle of nowhere to lose touch! they are quite financially ignorant generally though. I will never treat my children as they have me.

@Bluntness100

Would a lottery winner become middle class just because they suddenly acquired a lot of money and they had been a bin man or a supermarket checkout girl before the big win?

Class isn’t just about wealth so the answer is no, but to move class often people need to move into skilled professional roles. It is wholly possible to come from a working class background and become upper middle class as an adult.

There are ceos of large multi nationals who grew up in care, who now earn several million a year and are highly educated, and many in other roles from lawyers on, who socialise in certain circles, have certain interests, and the over all umbrella moves their class.

Class is not about money. It’s so much more complicated.

Agree with this. I would say I'm pretty solidly middle class now. Married to a man from a middle class family. Educated to postgraduate level. Had a professional career (pre kids and SEN). Drive a new car that we can afford. V little debt. BUPA dentist.

Parents both working class, mum lower, dad upper. Two of his siblings passed the 11+, they are both doctors now, they are definitely middle class. Their kids went to private schools. They are definitely middle class.

You never forget your roots and my upbringing informs most of my life, but I genuinely think that, to other people anyway, I present very much like a middle class woman.

(I should add I couldn't give a shit how I present, but I also believe in owning your privilege and I am pretty sure mine shines out when I open my mouth these days)

I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

You have over thought this OP. Younhave already stated in your post the reasons why.. economy mainly.

Lots of people will be similar to you.

Comparison is the thief of joy

You know children only need love (as well as food, shelter etc)? I'm so glad I didn't go to a private school. I had the best time at my comprehensive school. I met people from all backgrounds. It's shaped the way I view the world.

Kids need enough to eat, a roof over their head and good clothes. But more than that, they need all the love both you and your husband can give them and the shared love that you have for each other. They will remember that more than anything else. They will look back with fondness at their childhood and you will have given them the most precious gift of all.

Another woman whinging... Why? If you have a house, can fed your kids, can give them a holiday once a year and provide a few presents at birthdays and Xmas, along with love and security, what else do your kids need?
It is not like you are living in a scheme and having to have tax credits to help your family. Hence the comment about whinging... How many women in this, situation are whinging about a private education for their kids.

You need a poke in the bum from the sharp reality stick.

OP is long gone. But I agree that she has problems. Is it low self esteem and self worth? Or jealousy being the thief?

Class is over-rated. If you have a reasonable income and are invested in your children, helping them supporting them, attending parents evenings, supporting them in their Uni applications etc, then nothing stopping them achieving.