To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

@LakieLady I’m a boomer too.
When I was in my 20’s and 30’s we took out insurance to pay our mortgage because unemployment was so high. Thatcher was obsessed with selling off our utilities and mortgage rates were 15%.
From our perspective we didn’t feel like the lucky generation.

Looking back of course houses were relatively cheaper and pension schemes were good. However boomers didn’t set out to take everything at the expense of the next generation, what sort of parents would do that?

Most of my friends and family have like me helped our dc with house deposits.
For those of you whose parents cannot afford to help then perhaps they didn’t have the privilege you think.

Be happy with what you have their are millions worse off than you quit complaining

I hear you OP.

Both my parents were raised in council houses and inherited nothing.

My mother worked as a cleaner and bar maid and my dad fixed cash registers.
They both managed to buy a good house in a decent area (divorced later) in the 1970s, moving up the ladder to a house now worth around £500k.

Both DH and I work in professional jobs, not amazingly paid, but far better than my parents were in comparison. When we met we both had mortgages on flats. Yet still, our house is not as valuable as my parents, who paid their mortgage off in the 80s, and we have years to go to pay ours off.

I was frustrated when we moved to this house five years ago in our early 40s. MIL who did small very part time jobs now and then during her younger years and stopped working at 60, along with FIL, lecturing us on how when they first started out it was tough. I thought, but we are not in our 20s just starting out, we had both been paying mortgages then for 15 years, with another 15 to go and talk of how they paid theirs off early by "just paying a bit extra each month" was insulting. We do overpay, but whatever we do, life is so damned expensive.
I'm Gen X, and realise I am lucky compared with Millennials. Even so, it feels hard to progress.

Please stop with blaming the Boomers.

I don’t get the obsession with private school. What has it actually done for you, OP?

I went to state comp in a working class city. I’m a permanent ex-pat scientist in pharma in Switzerland. Far wealthier than my parents, who instilled the value of education in us but never had enough money for foreign holidays or fancy clubs, growing up.

We could afford to send our (reception & pré-school boys) to private school but aren’t. The différence between state and private here is the smallest in the world and DS is one of 9 in his class, so there’s really no point. And the state sector in the UK and France never did DH & I any harm.

DH and I in terms of social mobility and property have been less privileged than our parents.
But if our grandparents and every generation before them could see our lives they would be astounded!
DH parents grew up in council houses in SE London and now own a huge house in Home Counties. My parents were less well off but went from social housing to a 4 bed family home.
We couldn’t afford private education for DD but we do have a lovely life and home. I wish my grandma had lived to see it as it’s a long way from a tenement in Liverpool!
I don’t see what is to be gained in bitterness, we have everything we need and quite a lot of what we want.

Thanks everyone, a lot of food for thought here.

Just to be clear I don’t think we’re in a bad situation per se, it’s more that I feel that having had all these privileges during my own childhood it’s embarrassing that I haven’t managed to make the most of those opportunities to also give the same luxuries to my DC (though not for lack of trying!) All the more so when my parents were able to provide these things without experiencing them in their own childhood.

It doesn’t help that my school peers are now buying big houses in nice areas and their children likely will go to private school so I feel behind compared to both my peers and my parents. It also means my children will realise what they’re missing out on as they will see their family friends and some cousins living this lifestyle.

But thinking about it I’m realising now that with friends, this is mostly because their parents have gifted them large deposits/mortgage-free houses and in many cases are also paying for GCs education. Our parents have been incredibly generous but understandably want to enjoy their own money now they’re retired as they’ve definitely earned it! But I can’t compete with ongoing parental support.

I completely agree that a happy loving home and valuing education are the most important things and I would hope to provide these to my children no matter what school they are at or what house we are living in.

Stating the obvious but it usually bears repetition in addressing emotional reactions like yours op: It is the comparing that drives insecurity.

Remember that you can choose who to compare yourself to. Though it may take mental practice (and don't I know it!)

We haven't had parental help beyond secure childhoods (which is all too easy to underestimate) and relatively small random gifts from parents that were kind but not going to change our trajectory.
I remember us buying our run down house and close friends of ours buying a lovely period property in an historic town nearby with help of a large bequest from a childless elderly relative. It felt a little gutting and unfair at the time but it was an early lesson really. I've turned it round to feeling pride in what we did achieve. You do what you can.

@Movingsoon21
If it helps, I felt a bit like you when my DC were very young. But now they are older and I see that the outcomes for their friends who went to private schools are very similar to theirs, I don't feel like this. Some of their friends collapsed under the pressure, others developed anorexia, others just couldn't be bothered to make the most of the opportunities on offer. Honestly it doesn't make as much difference as people think - a good solid happy family life where there is a lot of conversation and respect makes MUCH more difference.

Suppose area you live in has bearing on this too. I'm amazed by how reasonable house prices are in NI and they have state grammar school system that rivals english private schools but then there are drawback of living in region that is still wrestiling with post troubles issues

OP I think what you've said about your parents is key here. Everyone I know who was upper mc have already gifted and passed their wealth onto their kids.

Everyone whose parents were originally lower mc have not - they think their house will go to the kids sometime in the future etc etc.

Financial literacy and family wealth is a class thing in the UK. Just because your parents acquired money - has not made them upper mc.

Both sets of our parents are millionaires on paper i.e. they own very expensive houses in London. However, neither of them have gifted or passed any of this on as they don't think that way. They also havent invested their money nor diversified their portfolio etc.

the 1980s/90s was a blip when lower mc people felt like they've become upper mc.

I'm a bit late to this but I am glad my children have had a humbler upbringing than me (its been good - im not talking struggling for food or heat humble, just very average) . I dont feel ive set them up to think a 4 bed detached house, private school and lots of holidays are necessary for a nice life or just normal life or set them up to feel trapped in a high earning job they hate to perpetuate that lifestyle.

Said by many before me but comparison is the thief of joy.

To me, your position sounds pretty enviable.

It's not about doing worse or better than your parents, it depends where the starting baseline is.

For example, Ive done better than my parents though (Still not private school levels but my parents were broke and I have a professional job and have a small house rather than council flat). So I'd say I'm in a similar position to you in she respects, but i also have to worry about supporting my parents in their old age and we don't get all the trappings that come with comfortable and well off grandparents. Also being the "first" in the family all the time unchartered territory (first to uni, first to buy a house, first to have actual savings). It can be a bit overwhelming

Not trying to compete, just pointing out you need to look at the overall.picture and baseline your parents provided and where you would be without that..

@Sandinmyknickers

To me, your position sounds pretty enviable.

It's not about doing worse or better than your parents, it depends where the starting baseline is.

For example, Ive done better than my parents though (Still not private school levels but my parents were broke and I have a professional job and have a small house rather than council flat). So I'd say I'm in a similar position to you in she respects, but i also have to worry about supporting my parents in their old age and we don't get all the trappings that come with comfortable and well off grandparents. Also being the "first" in the family all the time unchartered territory (first to uni, first to buy a house, first to have actual savings). It can be a bit overwhelming

Not trying to compete, just pointing out you need to look at the overall.picture and baseline your parents provided and where you would be without that..

That is so true! I am in the doing ok bracket and on paper much worse off than my parents and indeed a lot of my friends. But my parents have the resources to look after themselves financially, that is not something I have to worry about. And there have been times where they have been able to lend me money. And I may inherit a substantial amount some day. I have friends who earn very well who have none of that.

After reading everyone's comments now I feel bad not sending my children to private school.

Both my dh & I grew up pretty poor. We both did well in school & uni. I was lucky enough to be earning 6 figure salary in my early 20s & in my mid 20s taking home bonuses a few times over. My husband started earning serious money in his 30s.

I decided it to leave that all behind to be a stay at home mum. We have friends who send their children to private school but we prefer to send ours to a comprehensive 5 minutes down the road. Neither of us went to private school we just don't see the point. Or are we just being selfish?

I also don't think expensive foreign holidays are necessary. We did my first foreign holiday flying business class. It was nice but such a waste of money. I then decided we would just go to Weston-super-Mare for our next holiday. It was still the best holiday we have ever had. I have actually decided we will just do butlins next summer. I used to go as a child & you really can't beat the British seaside when the weather is nice in my opinion.

You can argue because I grew up poor I don't know better. I got taken away to all sort of expensive foreign holidays in my 20s because of work & also ate out in Michelin star restaurants every week. It was a nice experience but it didn't changed who I'm. Now we live in an expensive detached house I still shop in budget supermarkets regularly. In the past 5 years I have not spent over £200 for clothes for myself in total.

I would think that my children are pretty happy because of us as their parents not because of the stuff we can afford. Private school. exotic holidays & a big house are all material things. I think they matter a lot less to our LOs.

@Mrspup

After reading everyone's comments now I feel bad not sending my children to private school.

Both my dh & I grew up pretty poor. We both did well in school & uni. I was lucky enough to be earning 6 figure salary in my early 20s & in my mid 20s taking home bonuses a few times over. My husband started earning serious money in his 30s.

I decided it to leave that all behind to be a stay at home mum. We have friends who send their children to private school but we prefer to send ours to a comprehensive 5 minutes down the road. Neither of us went to private school we just don't see the point. Or are we just being selfish?

I also don't think expensive foreign holidays are necessary. We did my first foreign holiday flying business class. It was nice but such a waste of money. I then decided we would just go to Weston-super-Mare for our next holiday. It was still the best holiday we have ever had. I have actually decided we will just do butlins next summer. I used to go as a child & you really can't beat the British seaside when the weather is nice in my opinion.

You can argue because I grew up poor I don't know better. I got taken away to all sort of expensive foreign holidays in my 20s because of work & also ate out in Michelin star restaurants every week. It was a nice experience but it didn't changed who I'm. Now we live in an expensive detached house I still shop in budget supermarkets regularly. In the past 5 years I have not spent over £200 for clothes for myself in total.

I would think that my children are pretty happy because of us as their parents not because of the stuff we can afford. Private school. exotic holidays & a big house are all material things. I think they matter a lot less to our LOs.

I live in rural Ireland, where private schools barely exist. But looking at Dublin, where on the south side at least, they are more common, I think their value exists as much as a social signifier as anything to do with the meat and potatoes of teaching and learning. You send your child to private schools because it demonstrates your wealth or that you belong to a certain social group or want to buy access for your children to a certain social group or network. If those things are not important to you or are not the values you hold, then schools are chosen based on other criteria, including proximity, atmosphere, quality of teaching, values, etc. That's ok and you have no reason whatsoever to feel bad about it. For my own children, absent a school being pretty dreadful (rare enough) or the child being particularly ill-suited, I think you go to the local school and are exposed to life as it is and to a wide range of people and experiences

I'm just reading about stuff people think signifies success or wealth, it doesn't, it's just stuff.

A family in a two bedroom flat can have a rich and wonderful life. Many many thousands of families live with even less than that, and many feel happy and fulfilled.

The people are what matter. Tbh I think the best thing a parent can do for their child is invest in their own self awareness and mental health.

Most of my children have more than I did rather than vice versa! So it is quite hard to generalise. We children born in the 1960s have all managed to send our children - the 9 cousins - to private schools from age 5 - 18 and the next generation is doing the same. My parents in the 1950s and us in the 80s and my own children have all bought a home before we bred and with 2 full time professional salaries. I worked until I went into labour and went back full time after two weeks (not months, weeks) which I am not sure all women are prepared to do in today's easier times....

@Xenia

Most of my children have more than I did rather than vice versa! So it is quite hard to generalise. We children born in the 1960s have all managed to send our children - the 9 cousins - to private schools from age 5 - 18 and the next generation is doing the same. My parents in the 1950s and us in the 80s and my own children have all bought a home before we bred and with 2 full time professional salaries. I worked until I went into labour and went back full time after two weeks (not months, weeks) which I am not sure all women are prepared to do in today's easier times....

Thank you for your service

xenia
Well bully for you!!

I think you can be grateful for what you've got compared to others but still fed up that your generation has lower living standards than your parents. That's not what you hope for for your children. The crazy, artificially propped-up housing market in the UK is the biggest problem. We need big spending on improving the supply of social housing and more regulation of private rental.

Unfortunately the baby boomers have taken all the wealth so every generation after will have less.

YABU. Most generations don’t do better than the last - social mobility goes down as well as up, and the improvements many working class people saw from the 1970s onwards are a bit of an aberration, unlikely to be repeated. They’re not particularly sustainable in economic terms, and that sort of rampant economic growth isn’t always that good environmentally etc either...but I digress...

Private doesn’t always mean better. If you’re both middle class professionals can you look for jobs/houses in catchment for really good state schools?

The best thing you can do for your DC is be kind, loving and instill a decent savings habit so there’s always a nest egg for a rainy day. As long as you are warm and approachable parents your DC should be fine. I wouldn’t feel guilty in your shoes.