To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

I've done something similar but to Asia and teaching English as a foreign language. The agency was fantastic and I had a great time. I imagine your daughter will too, if I were you I'd be very proud you've raised a confident outgoing girl

You said she’s on the ball, don’t think twice about it, it’ll be amazing for her!
I moved to the USA on the same kind of visa back in 2007 for two years a couple months after turning 18. I had so much support when I arrived through the company i went to work with. It was the best decision I could have made. After that I’ve worked in various different countries and backpacked but always made plenty of visits back home, now living back in the UK but with amazing life experience and unbelievable memories. There is just so much to see out there, please please please don’t restrict her to staying home. Support her and be proud of her. Save up and go and visit her! My parents loved coming to see where I was living and travelling with me when they could. I honestly think I’d have so much resentment now if they’d tried to stop me from travelling but they were always supportive of what I wanted to do, however scary it may seem.
Such jobs definitely exist and if you say she has her mind on the ball I’m sure she’s done ample research and has found a great place to be. And if that weren’t the case, with savings behind her she can easily find something else that would suit her better. I had no bad experiences in my 12 years of travelling and working abroad and wouldn’t change what I’ve done for the life of me!
I know it can be a scary thought, but as you say, she’s responsible, she’ll be fine and have the time of her life!

As diplomatic as I can, OP: your hometown sounds like hell on earth for someone curious and ambitious. No surprise she wants to get out, and good for her for having the drive to organise it.

Perhaps it's an opportunity for you to broaden your horizons too and visit her.

I just wanted to add -

I moved to Australia many years ago. I was a bit older than your DD, and I was planning to go for good, so slightly different scenario. My mother reacted very badly and told me I couldn't go, and when she realised she couldn't stop me, she then moved on to telling me I was betraying her and abandoning her and that she'd never forgive me. She said I'd hate Australia and everyone there was racist and got skin cancer. Endless xenophobic nonsense. (Before anyone asks, she wasn't elderly or disabled, she had a job and a husband)

In all honesty I lost a huge amount of respect for her at that time and it has irreparably damaged our relationship. All these years later I am still here in Australia, with my husband and my beautiful Australian children, and she doesn't come to visit. We aren't close anymore. I will never forget that experience and I am very determined to allow my children the space they need to fly the nest and become their own people. It's awful feeling like your mum is clinging to your heels trying to drag you back. It doesn't keep them close to you, it just makes them less inclined to keep in touch after they've gone.

By all means cry and hug her for a little too long when you drop her off at the airport, but make sure she knows that even though you are going to miss her, you fully support her and you hope she has a brilliant experience.

I just meant that I was being realistic about her long term future in Canada with only GCSE’s. She hated high school, college and never seemed able to buckle down in an educational environment. Once out in the real world though she’s incredibly savvy and puts me to shame Maybe with a bit more life experience behind her she will give education another go and will be able to stick to it.

She will be fine. I'd find this so scary too OP but when most of your friends go to uni and you're left behind it's not fun. Her option to go to Canada is probably a lot better than most of her options in the U.K.

I wish I was 19 and doing that. I’m jealous!!

Yes, our town is a bit of a backwater unfortunately. Think stereotypical ex-mining town.

I would say your best bet is to be really positive so tell your husband to wind his neck in. She's going to go, whether you like it or not. It's why she's done all the planning and paid before telling you.

BUNAC is very reputable- it's been going for years. I'm sure she'll have a brilliant time. People can do really well in life without loads of academic qualifications you know

Sounds brilliant op and I'd fully support ds if he wanted to do something like that when he's older (he's currently 3!). At 20 I had "no connections" in turkey (I live in England) but flew off there to do volunteer work then travelled the country. Your daughter wants to spread her wings.

Good on her. Rather than staying at home on basic hospitality job she’s going to travel and experience life. Yes as her mum I’m sure it’s an anxious time but lots of young people do this in various countries.

Go through everything she has planned and check that it’s all legit if it makes you feel better.

I wish I'd done something like that when I was younger. I didn't because I knew my mum wouldn't like it. So now I'm 34, married, with 2 kids and a mortgage and I've never had an adventure. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I've missed out.

Double check everything is legit in the background and give your daughter your blessing. She'll thank you for it when she's older.

Left home at 18 to work abroad. Best year of my life. My parents never hesitated to support me.

She is going to a very safe country, and through a hopefully reputable organisation. There are really no downsides to this.

Please don't let your fears and own lack of ambitions and experience in this area stifle your more adventurous daughter. She is an adult and will be fine. Nothing of what she is planning to do sounds out of the ordinary.

Let her go. it will be the absolute making of her and if she hates it she can just jump on a plane and come home. My DC have both done it (Australia and NZ via Asia) and so have my nieces and nephews. It's challenging at times but one of the most rewarding and life affirming things a young person can do.

She needs to be made aware of some of the most common pitfalls and risks before she goes, but there are forums and websites and books galore to help her with that. She's learn so much from it and make friends for life from all over the world.

I often think how terrified my parents must have been waving me off to NZ, my sister to Madagascar/Africa/Asia and my other sister off to France for a year; when we were 18/19. They hadn't travelled either but they waved us off with a smile and even encouraged me to keep going when I rang, sobbing, from Singapore (I was 18 and on my own) I am so, so glad they did!

I think about my boys going off to do it and it does scare me, I know I will encourage and support them when the time comes. I know it's completely irrational so I do understand your worries.

If you have that sort of relationship, you will need to talk to DH. She will go anyway and it's better to go with a celebration and a smile, even if you're worried underneath.

I am very jealous of her, I wonder if there's a job, in the mountains, for a 40 something teacher with 4 kids in tow...?

Loads of young people do this now. It great life and work experience and there will be a big community of other young people. It’s a great idea!

It's natural to be worried and you will miss her.. I worked abroad at 18 and it was the making of me and I had a fantastic time. Canada is safe and these days you can be in contact with her on a daily basis. My mum had to wait for a weekly phone call! Could you and dh go and visit her?

Why on earth wouldn't you want her to go? It's a fantastic idea, well done her. Doesn't matter whether she knows anyone in that country, she'll make friends, especially if she has work.
If you were to do any sort of research I would just want to know that the agency she's signed up with is a genuine one and not an outfit which takes money and doesn't deliver on the work promise. But that apart, let her go with your blessing.

My daughter went off several times, a year in Australia (no agency, she found her own work), teaching in Italy (with an agency) and later on a year teaching English in China. These opportunities were never open to me in my youth, I ended up married with kids far too early on in my life; you should be proud of your daughter and encouraging her.....

They do exist, someone I know has done it and had an amazing time! If anything is going to give your daughter independence and help her grow up it’s taking a flight alone to Canada! You can’t really stop her she is an adult. If you stop her she will resent you for not allowing her this opportunity. Also the tips are really amazing apparently!

My daughter did exactly this just before covid set in in 2019. She had the best time of her life and I got to go out and visit her. She went to Banff jobs and accommodation all arranged by an agency. She'll have an amazing time!

It's an amazing opportunity for her . Obviously it will be a worry for you but you can talk on the phone regularly and FaceTime and you can visit for a holiday .It's good thats she can see beyond the small town and want to see some of the big exciting world !

It sounds like an amazing adventure, and 19 is exactly the right are to do this sort of thing. I know plenty of people who did similar, so it is almost certainly legit - just check the agency out.

You may have chosen to limit your own life, but you shouldn't limit hers.

@MiddayMass

Yes, our town is a bit of a backwater unfortunately. Think stereotypical ex-mining town.

I’m from similar but I never followed that path. I travelled. Shared with flatmates back home. Travelled and just lived a fun life in my twenties no way would I have ‘settled down’ and then eventually I’ve settled with my partner in another town in my thirties. Not everyone has to follow the trend and settle so young. Many of my peers who did that young are on 2nd/3rd marriages and several kids.

Those of us who didn’t follow that are enjoyed/explore life are mostly settled in our forties but with amazing life experiences. Your husband sounds very narrow minded and needs to understand that the U.K. isn’t that great and there is a whole world to explore. Your DD sounds very sensible and organised tbh.

I didn’t find out until I was a proper adult that my small Canadian ski town gave bursaries to the small Scottish town I’m from. Wish, wish I’d known - what a world that could’ve opened up!

I’ve spent a lot of time skiing in Canada and from what the young ones tell me, the biggest problem was having to travel to the city for a termination - fill her suitcase with condoms!

I took off to Asia at that age with a one-way ticket, £200 and pre-internet. Still here.

MN is a funny place. On one hand we have people who travelled and shared lodgings with cockroaches in their teens - and at the other end of the spectrum the ones who attend uni open days.

She’ll have a wonderful time and I’m up to going with her if anyone wants to take on my DC for the winter. Bueller? Anyone?

OP, in the nicest possible way, I’d find her going to live abroad for a year or two a lot less frightening than her pregnant at 19 and envisaging spending her life in a town no one apparently ever leaves!

Her instincts — to get away, meet entirely different people, have new experiences, see some of the big world, open herself up to the possibility of a different kind of life — are healthy, and she’s doing this in the most risk-free possible way. When I did similar, it was to a non-English speaking country, and pre-mobile phones or cheap calls, so I communicated with my parents by letter. My parents were also horrified, as they’d barely left their home county, never their country, and they didn’t understand why I was doing this, or why I wanted to go to university, which they thought was only for ‘rich people’.

Support your daughter, and get your husband to keep schtum about his attitude.