To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

Your husband sounds ridiculous

I moved to Vancouver Canada at 20
Alone - got a work visa for a year with no job lined up

Loves in a Hostel for 2 weeks, traipsed the streets applying for jobs, found a place to live with some other people from the hostel

Then moved around the country over the next year making new friends, exploring, working various jobs

It was an amazing experience and really grew up on that trip

Your daughter sounds great and she’s already got work lined up - good for her !!

Don’t let your husband ruin it :(

It’s CANADA not somewhere like Afghanistan or Syria.
Let her go. She sounds very level headed. Best of luck to her.

I don't blame you for wanting to check it's all legit.

If it is, though, it sounds amazing. Think of the experience she'll get and the connections she'll make!

Your daughter sounds fab. She has the self-knowledge to know uni isn't for her, whereas a lot of kids just blindly trot off and hate it/drop out/end up in mountains of debt.
She's obviously a hard worker too.

You've clearly done a brilliant job raising her.
I can only hope my girl turns out like this. I bet you're so proud!

It's great that her dad loves her and will miss her, but please don't let him let his feelings make her feel guilty about going. Let her fly and she'll always come back. Hood her back and she'll resent him.

I did Australia at 18 alone. I have many friends who worked the resorts in Canada like you're daughter - it's a great plan!

At least you're coming around. Your husband is being ridiculous. She's an adult. I hope she doesn't let him ruin it for her.

@smoko Is it? :S ive never met a australian in england in all my life literally not 1, once met a kiwi on holiday but thats it... and ive lived all over england including 3 of the biggest cities, am i missing something?

I did something similar after uni. Landed a great job for 12 months as a gap year. Ended up staying in the country & have spent my whole adult life here.

Am working for an international organisation and have a lovely life and kids and married here.

She may never come back :) but please let her fly - best choice I ever made.

It’s very normal for people to work in ski resorts with accommodation thrown in for hospitality workers.
I did the same age 20 (but to NZ) it was the best thing ever. I met loads of lovely people, saw lots of beautiful places and it gave me loads of self confidence having had a crap time at school for years.
I know it’s hard for you as she’s your daughter and you’ll worry but it’s perfectly normal. Good on her being brave!

Your daughter sounds like one of the smartest 19 year olds I’ve ever heard of! She’s brilliant! Of course you’re not being unreasonable to be worried,any parent would be but it’s just so fantastic she wants to do things with her life. Be proud of yourself more than anything that you’ve raised such an independent woman. She’ll have a brilliant time

You and your DH can go and visit her - maybe then he'll understand a bit more about why she wants to get out and explore the world.

His attitude stinks

All of your positive comments are definitely helping me to come round to it and take a deep breathe, thank you I’ll still worry but reading your experiences is helping me get excited for her.

DD was not happy when DH implied that it was probably some fake job so that they could take her passport and enslave her. I think she was quite hurt that he thinks she’s that naive. Completely illogical as well, are there really that many Canadian modern slavery rings looking to get Brits on gap years? 🙄 As I said I had my worries also but more about it just being a financial scam.

She’s determined to go so I’m really going to have to have a word with DH because I’d hate her to go with them being on bad terms. It comes from a good place deep down of loving his daughter and worrying about her but no good will come of him constantly shitting on it.

Good for her! You should be proud that she’s thoroughly researched this and knows what she wants. Please give her your blessing.

I am so glad you are on board with it now. I hope your DH also gets on board because he is doing a good job of clipping her wings and pissing on her chips.

She is bright, proactive, adventurous and resourceful! You have raised a good one!

Your daughter will having the most amazing experience and time. She sounds very organised and switched on. Let her go, your DP needs to let her go too. Maybe go and visit her, like a pp said.
But be there for her when (if) she comes, home. Let her know she can always come home. It's what my parents said to me when I left the UK in 1993! I have not been back since ( to live, visits of course), and have lived in three different countries before settling where I am now since 2001. Knowing I could always go home and be welcome without judgement was my secure place if you understand what I mean.

If it’s Whistler then I’d bet the crime stats will be lower than her home town, it’s a lovely place where the biggest risk is probably a hangover or broken wrist.

I moved to another country at 19 in 1993 before Internet or smart phones. It was a country that doesn’t speak English and I had a university scholarship there. I survived. My only contact with home was airmail letters and going back to England during the university holidays.

I still live overseas. It was the best decision I made. I met my husband and settled.

Don’t discourage her. This would be a great thing for her to do. It’s very common for 19 yr olds to ho travelling. Let her live her life. She’s 19 and on track to be a manager in a restaurant-that sounds awful to me to have your life figured out so young! Let her have her adventures.

She sounds a bright, mature and confident young woman. I would be supporting her all the way. Funnily enough of all the countries I would be happy for my children to go to Canada would be the one. My DS has already expressed an interest to go there. Don’t put a downer on it for her.

At her age I'd already been abroad for a year on my own.

I also did 2 working holidays to 2 different countries in my 20s - it was absolutely brilliant. I'd encourage her to do it now while she can. Much harder once you have settled down in a place for the long term, or when you're older and visas can be much harder to obtain.

19 is a little younger then most who come after Uni but yes lots of work holidays visas here in Vancouver and the nearby ski resorts. They tend to have great communities like ‘Brits in Vancouver’ on FB and would recommend that she joins them but sounds like already has. I’m not sure if you really need to pay agency fees for work though, the hospitality sector here is desperate! But because of covid you need to have a job lined up before you arrive so this might be where this comes in

I’m sure the idea of her being so far away is scary but Canada is a very safe and honest place, much more so then London and any trouble she could get into at a ski resort she could at uni halls, and the pay vs. the cost of living means she should be fine

If I had a kid that age who wasn’t sure what they wanted to do I would recommend it followed by Aus and NZ

Your dh sounds exactly like my dad. Assumes everything we do is wrong and not thought out. Me going to uni in a different town (to get away from him) rather than live at home and stay local would apparently ruin my life.

I came back with a now successful husband and have two kids and that's unfortunately my only saving grace of why he doesn't still go on about it. (I don't have a job in my degree area as unfortunately I lost interest and I currently work locally around the kids, I'm sure when/if I tell him I'm planning to study again it will all come up again!)

It really is awful to listen to and he makes me feel incredibly under valued. Everything we do is wrong unless it makes us richer (similar here as to why are you spending money doing that when it "should" be on a house deposit).

He tries to have such a hold on our life and its just shit to listen to, none of us speak to him much about life decisions anymore etc.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit but I can honestly say if it wasn't for the fact he was still with my mum and a lovely grandad I don't think I'd see him very much.

Good for her! I do not understand parents who think it’s fine to sabotage their DCs dreams 😡 Your husband needs to understand that he’s being utterly unreasonable and very selfish. He’ll drive her away faster than anything else with his ridiculous attitude.
My DD has worked in many far more dangerous countries (Uzbekistan, South Africa, Angola amongst others) and had amazing experiences (plus a few I suspect that were less so!). I would never even contemplate trying to dissuade her.

It'll be brilliant for your DD.

It's understandable that DH doesn't get it because it's literally the opposite to his life choices. It can be challenging when people close to us make completely different life choices to ours. The U.K. is great. Doesn't mean Canada - or anywhere else - isn't. He needs to change how he's thinking about this and it might help for him to understand she's not rejecting him, he's not done anything wrong by her wanting to leave (nor have you), you've actually been pretty amazing parents to have such an independent daughter. Especially at a time when so many young people are afraid of even hearing an opinion they don't like.

I agree about having money ring fenced to help her if she needs an emergency fund.

I'd add that making sure she knows that even though she's obviously incredibly competent, you're still there for her, even if it's just a listening ear. I didn't have that and when difficult things happened, I was alone, without any emotional support. That was horrible, actually worse in some ways than the events themselves. She may never need it, but just knowing you're there will be supportive in itself.

I went to Australia aged 18 with no job. I'd booked 2-3 nights in a hostel. I didn't go with an agency. The kids who went with Bunac had everything sorted for them - they just had to get on the flight! They also had contact people to ask about things to if they needed. Your DD is not actually going alone. She'll likely be on the flight with others doing the same thing.

The norm here is settled with kids by 25
How depressing.
TBH, I'd feel I failed if that was all my dd aimed/settled for.

How amazing that she has taken this step in spite of having a father with the attitude hers has. I'd be so proud of her OP.
Good luck to her, hope she has a wonderful adventure

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I didn’t do that but did go travelling for three months in Canada at 19yr. Was the most amazing experience and still remember it vividly over 20yrs later. One of the best things I ever did. I’ve been to Canada a few times and the people are lovely and helpful and chilled out. She’ll have a great time.