To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP, I have a friend - late fortiies now - who grew up in a small Northern town. At about your daughter’s age, he conceived a plan to go to the US and work, travel, just get around a bit.

His father’s attitude was that he should stay at home and get a job, because ‘that sort of malarkey thing isn’t for the likes of us’.

His mother (local girl married young and pregnant twenty years earlier) said, Go! Go now! Get the fuck out of here!

He did. Eventually, so did his mother.

His dad’s still there, looking narrow-eyed at exotic vegerables.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.”

I was a poor, WC kid when I did BUNAC. Becuase they help you with a visa, job placement etc you don’t need a lot of money - just a return ticket to show you could get home if you’re stuck. I worked and saved to afford mine.
TBH it’s very different to the gap holidays that many of my Uni friends took, building wall in African villages or wherever. You work and earn the money to travel around a bit with BUNAC.
Your DD sounds fantastic, and she should go. Her at home options don’t sounds great and will always be there when she gets back.

Just thinking back to my own time doing Work America with Bunac. They got me a brilliant job in San Francisco and I moved there at your DD's age with a suitcase and the address of a hostel. Within a week I had a flat in Nob Hill (with a slightly bonkers older lady who wrote crossword puzzles for a living). Many of the crew at my job were Brits and we had a grand old time. Many happy memories. At the end of my trip my parents flew over and we road-tripped right across the US from SF to NY.

I hope you and your DD both get a lot out of this.

Your DH is in danger of jeopardising his relationship with your DD if he doesn’t wind his neck in.

It sounds like the best thing your daughter could possibly do right now is to get away and do exactly what she likes. Your DH feelings are normal but he should not try to hem her in. She clearly has the potential to go far and would be utterly miserable if she stayed in your town just so please her dad. It’s a shame he can’t be proud of her while also being honest about his fears.

@logsonlogsoff

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.”

I was a poor, WC kid when I did BUNAC. Becuase they help you with a visa, job placement etc you don’t need a lot of money - just a return ticket to show you could get home if you’re stuck. I worked and saved to afford mine.
TBH it’s very different to the gap holidays that many of my Uni friends took, building wall in African villages or wherever. You work and earn the money to travel around a bit with BUNAC.
Your DD sounds fantastic, and she should go. Her at home options don’t sounds great and will always be there when she gets back.

Yes I was like you I suspect. Never even knew a gap year was a thing till I met lots of more socially advantaged people at uni who'd done them.

I didn't do BUNAC but I did do a 6 month placement in the US through CIEE. I remember only having enough money to buy the flight out, and hoping I'd earn enough to fly home.

As it turned out I earned enough to travel round the country for 6 weeks at the end, then fly home. I had the time of my life.

I've already replied to this a couple of days ago but bumping as there's so much good advice!

Your DD should go to Canada OP!!

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all of one’s life.”

Mark Twain - Innocents Abroad - published 1869.

While not wanting to accuse the OP's husband of bigotry, "prejudice" and "narrow-mindedness" seem to fit.

I love that quote, Havanananana - so very true

Another comes from Seneca: "I am not born for one corner; the whole world is my native land”

I get the feeling DD is thinking about it long-term past a working holiday. Just because she’s mentioned she looked in to how to stay if she loves it and has a few ideas.

Though she isn’t outwardly admitting it. I’ll be happy for her to get out of here but I’d rather it was Manchester than Canada

I’d be devastated but I’d have to just come round

But why? Seriously how can anyone think Manchester is a better option than Canada?

@PickupaPenguin8

But why? Seriously how can anyone think Manchester is a better option than Canada?

You're being obtuse. Because it's closer. But I think the OP is being (a bit) light-hearted about it anyway!

Not obtuse , no. Manchester may be closer but in no way does it offer a better quality of life.

@PickupaPenguin8

Not obtuse , no. Manchester may be closer but in no way does it offer a better quality of life.

I think you’ve completely misunderstood the way the OP intended that comment about wishing it was Manchester.

@PickupaPenguin8

It was a joke about how it would be much easier to visit her if she went to spread her wings in the local city rather than Canada. I think any mother gets that. It doesn’t mean I’m saying Manchester is better than Canada 🙄

Yes okay I did understand the joke.

Just to say, I now live in Manchester and I much prefer it to the places in Canada I've visited! (Misses point of thread)

Fwiw i went to Australia fully wanting to stay there past my visa.

Things didn't go the way i planned.

I came home realising that where i grew up wasn't awful.

I ended up settling not far away having come to the conclusion that there weren't many places that really were 'better' in terms of the lifestyle and opportunities they offered.

That said, my uncle did go to Canada in his 20s and is still there 50 years later.

My point being you don't know how things will turn out for your daughter.

I do know my desire to go to Australia was driven primarily by my suffocating mother though...

DH still being unreasonable. After more comments today DD understandably lost her temper and stormed out and he’s been sat nursing a beer with a face like a slapped arse.

Where does that leave you?

What have YOU said to him OP? Have you told him how his behaviour is making YOU feel?

It sounds like (and forgive me if I am wrong) you aren't really having this out with him, just waiting for him to nit pick at it with her and backing her up privately rather than actively standing up for her.

I think she'll have a great time. My niece did this around 10 years ago, worked as a hostess (i.e., gofer) at various hotels, and still lives in Whistler having now married a Canadian!
The most dangerous thing she has encountered was a black bear whilst walking to work through the town.

I moved to CA for a post-graduate degree. I am still here, married, kids, job etc. My parents have not made peace with my emigration.

Being an immigrant (even a highly skilled worker immigrant) has been eye opening. My views on immigration to my country of origin have really adjusted. CA has treated me well and is generally considered quite welcoming to immigrants, but it is harder to start from little. It would probably be easier for your daughter because she is younger.

Relatedly, why would you need to buy a flat at 19? I mean isn't that the age when you move into a rental with a few other girls and have a good time?

I haven't rtft, but I hope you've told her that you're behind her 100% and that he'll just have to get used to it? She needs to have your support. She needs to feel excited about carrying on planning her fab adventure. She is a grown woman who should not be held back.