To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

Well done your daughter!

I would've been so disappointed if my kids thought that moving 2 miles away and getting pregnant and settling down was all there was to life!
They have great careers, have travelled, one worked in Brazil, the other in Taiwan for a short time, they have lived and that's what it's all about.

Your daughter sounds brave, clever and switched on. I hope you and your husband make plans to go and see her out in Canada when she's out there.

I live in a farming community and loads of lads went over to work the huge farms over there at 19.Bit different as it’s farming, but they had a fantastic time.

OP, it's nice to see that you're starting to come around to the idea. I went on a Working Holiday to Australia, left home, by myself, 3 weeks after my 18th birthday. My extended family are also not the kind of people who do these things, pretty much all my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc live in our town, or the neighbouring one. I'm sure my parents had their doubts and concerns, but they trusted me and were supportive of my decision.

For me it was an incredibly fun but also hugely formative experience. Please let her take advantage of this opportunity, she has plenty of time to settle down in her home town if that's what she decides she wants in the long term.

OP I did this at the same age. I arrived a week before my 19th birthday, and it was one of the best experiences of my whole life.
Canada is such an outdoorsy country - I went and all of a sudden was hiking, river rapid tubing, snow boarding, kayaking, learning how to deal with skunks, baby bears and moose , I met some amazing life long friends. There's so much culture she won't have come across before, I loved learning about the native Canadian and Inuit culture and had brilliant experiences with friends from those communities. Like everywhere in the world, Canada isn't a perfect country, but if any of my kids decided to go, I'd be happy for them and encouraging (and booking my flights to visit them regularly!)

Don't hold her back - if you need to, check out the company helping her get out there of course. But it sounds awesome. Wish I could go again!

If it all goes to shit she can always come home. She will have the time of her life!

YABVVU not to encourage her. My parents clipped my wings when I was younger and didn’t embrace my ambition and I feel quite bitter about it now. It definitely has had a negative affect on my relationship with them which is a shame as other than that they are lovely. Don’t risk jeopardising your relationship by being anything other than enthusiastic

Wow! You sound like you have a really enterprising daughter who wants to make something of her life. It sounds like an amazing opportunity. Encourage her!! She will most probably have the time of her life and many opportunities will open up to her. I don't understand why you are worried. She can come back if she hates it.

For some reason I just assumed she’d stay here forever like most people.

Is that really the future you wanted for her?

Your description of your DH's attitude to this is awful tbh. Poor girl, with her dad guilt tripping her for wanting to go out into the world and live her life. A dad who thinks she should settle for a small life just because he did.

The less he supports her now, the less likely it will be that she comes home eventually. I mean, why would she want to come home to live near a father who don't want her to experience life to its fullest?

Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

Trust me, she'll be far safer and have a much easier time in a ski resort in Canada than in Asia, Africa or many parts of the US!

It's odd that you worry about her going to Canada yet you are questioning why she chosen there over the other places you list.

@HP87

Your dh sounds exactly like my dad. Assumes everything we do is wrong and not thought out. Me going to uni in a different town (to get away from him) rather than live at home and stay local would apparently ruin my life.

I came back with a now successful husband and have two kids and that's unfortunately my only saving grace of why he doesn't still go on about it. (I don't have a job in my degree area as unfortunately I lost interest and I currently work locally around the kids, I'm sure when/if I tell him I'm planning to study again it will all come up again!)

It really is awful to listen to and he makes me feel incredibly under valued. Everything we do is wrong unless it makes us richer (similar here as to why are you spending money doing that when it "should" be on a house deposit).

He tries to have such a hold on our life and its just shit to listen to, none of us speak to him much about life decisions anymore etc.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit but I can honestly say if it wasn't for the fact he was still with my mum and a lovely grandad I don't think I'd see him very much.

@MiddayMass - your husband needs to read this post very carefully. And then read it again.

He can’t control your DD and lead her life for her. From what you say, she will go anyway, regardless of his grumbling. He can either be an enthusiastic supporter and stay close to her her, or he can be a controlling killjoy and alienate her , possibly for life.

His choice.

Your fear is understandable but irrational, yes. This sounds a well thought out, fabulous opportunity in a wonderful country. It is absolutely brilliant that she wants to do this. I'm really shocked to hear your husband wants to talk her out of it. Totally smothering and narrow minded. She MUST be free to make her decisions with your support. I'd be thrilled for her.

@YouJustFoldItIn I was more just repeating what she’d said rather than expressing my own opinion. Tbh I’d be having kittens if she said she wanted to go backpacking in Africa and I’m quite glad it’s a ski resort Canada.

Yes, you need to have very strong words with your DH. I would be furious with mine if he had tried to put a dampener on anything our DCs wanted to do.
I have a friend who's parents strongly discouraged her on doing anything, she went from home to marriage. Yes, she's happy in her own way, but I know she thinks she missed out.

I left home at 17, and I had the most exciting growing up years.

I bet your DD has absolutely dreaded telling the both of you about this, because she knows what your reactions would be. I hope this thread helps in changing your views and you let her fly

I did similar, I'll be disappointed if my kids don't want to do something similiar at 19.

Your daughter will have the time of her life, your husband sounds a bit bitter and jealous.

I was lucky enough to go to Canada to visit some of DHs relatives. It is really lovely out there. The countryside is beautiful but the towns/cities are also very nice/friendly.

It depends which part of Canada she has arranged to go to as their is ‘French Canada’ too but a lot of Canada is very British/pro British and is like a cross between old fashioned U.K. and US but without the worry about gun crime etc

I think it’s really savvy of her to arrange it all herself and to have savings for it. At the moment it’s only two years and will be wonderful life experience for her plus give her an opportunity to make lots of new friends.

Perhaps you and your DP could make plans to try and save for a visit in year 2, then you will be getting to share a little in her experience and also to have a little adventure of your own. Of course it would depend on your financial situation as to if you would be able to save for this. At roughly 8 hours per flight it is not as far away as some places she could have chosen (lucky she didn’t want to go to Australia lol)

Maybe see this empty nest stage as an opportunity for yourself to get into doing some of the things you felt you missed out on having kids at such a young age?

Btw being a parent is an important role and you have clearly done a great job as your DD is so organised and determined. You should feel proud of yourself.

I wish I’d done something like that at 19! What a fantastic opportunity for your DD. I’m sure she’ll have a fantastic time and she sounds very sensible with money etc.

A friend of mine did similar after we finished uni and said it was one of the best experiences of her life. She ended up staying out there after getting another type of job and settling down. They have such a nice life Canada looks amazing

I can understand your concern op, but you should be very proud of her. To move to another country, completely on her own and plan it out like she has shows great confidence. You have obviously done a great job raising her.

I would do a bit of digging around just to check all is ok with her plans, but other than that I would get her go.

Your updates make it more and more clear why she’s wanting to get away. What a small and insular view of the world your husband has.

Well done on posting here to get insight and advice.

Hopefully you are really reassured that this is legit. Naturally you are worried you will miss her and I am sure that’s shaping your response. But she is of an age where she needs to stretch her wings. Part of your job as a parent is to ensure she leaves the nest, so well done on that!

Just came here to say I had an au pair who went off to Canada like this (from down under) and she ended up bringing back and English husband! Still happily married with two kids!

I wish your DD well!

One of the youngsters in our family split up with her boyfriend and did the same, but in Dubai. We would have preferred it to be Canada! Your DD will have the time of her life.

OP - how old are you out of interest? If you had DD not long after having her brother, you can't be more than about 40, surely? You must be pretty young yourself.

Are you genuinely happy with the life you're living? I'm 40 myself, and I still think of myself as young. I see plenty of travel in my future, and I have expeditions planned etc. I live in a beautiful village I love (hundreds of miles from where I grew up), but I also expect to move somewhere else (probably far away) before I die.

Your DH's attitude to change is one I would find utterly stifling. I couldn't live with someone as small minded as that.

I went away at 18 to do something similar. Looking back my mum must have been having kittens, pre internet so no way of keeping in touch except letters and pre booked international phone calls. It was the making of me.

Doing something similar I probably got into less trouble than my mates who went straight to university!

Sounds amazing. I want to do it!

Tell your DH to be quiet. Even if it is a scam (which being BUNAC it won’t be) or a “waste” these are things she has to find out for herself, not through an overbearing parent telling her “I told you so”.

Believe me, I was her and I should know.

She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and a Canadian ski resort will be an amazing place for someone working in hospitality.

There are so many beautiful places to visit in Canada. Maybe research them yourself and get excited about a visit there.

Well done to your daughter.