To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

It sounds brilliant for her. Like you, I was pregnant at that age although in my first year at university, but I'd much rather my child was doing what yours is than being pregnant while doing a degree. Far less responsibility even though it might seem scary to you. Also she sounds really sensible. Having saving etc. is so mature at that age. You've obviously raised her so well for her to be able to plan for this and be so independent.

Your daughter has not dreamed up a hairbrained scheme - she's done her research and has a plan. Give her the support she deserves! As an adult she gets to make her own life and parents' role is to clap from the sidelines.

Canada is very civilised, ski resorts in Canada are much more respectable than in european places so it is a good choice.
If she has the confidence to go, it would be a great adventure; she will probably be heavily worked, of course, but she will come back professionally experienced and ready for responsibility.
As long as she always has the fare to leave and return home in a hurry if she really wants to, you should consider not spoiling her chance. Try and visit her out there if you can, when there is a lull in her duties.
I did BUNAC in the US and it was unforgettable and a real adventure when I was young. I did travel coast-to-coast by bus, and did get homesick sometimes, but really did not have any negative issues.

I did something similar at the same age but to Mexico and back in those days there were no emails or mobile phones. It was such an amazing experience at that age and I'm so glad I did it. These days staying in touch is so much easier.

Wow what an opportunity! See the world with fresh young eyes, learn some independence, take a few knocks. She'll be ready for anything.
And if she wants to study later, she'll be streets ahead of the conveyor belt.
You'll miss each other but most likely end up closer.
Good luck and update is in a year or too.

We are parents from the minute we know we've conceived and no matter how old our children get we worry. My vet you g for her age 20yo daughter is leaving a week on Friday for around 2 years. I'm worried but supportive. I'm hoping it helps her grow, I think it will. I'm already planning my visits.....!

I moved to NY when I was 19. Stayed with my cousin for a month then she threw me out so I was literally on my own. I’m pretty stubborn so I refused to go home. Ok I had tough moments, I found people took advantage of me when they realised I had no family, but I learned so much and became so independent it has stayed with me to this day.

Not sure if someone else has suggested this,( too many posts to nread but ask her to talk you and DH through her plans showing you on details , explain that you don't want to rain on her parade but obviously this is a lot for you both to take in and a lot different to your lives so if she gives you all the details it will be easier for you to be excited for her. Try and save some cash as a " get out of trouble " fund or even a trip over midway through her stay to put your minds at rest. Get familiar with face time of zoom so you can keep in contact.

When I was 19 and told my dad I'm moving abroad, the ONLY thing he said was 'where's the money coming from?'. That was literally it. He never asked, never offered any help, never got excited for me. Nothing. So I definitely recognise your dh's attitude. I'm 40 now and lived in a few different countries and visited many more. I was the only person to move away and I loved it.
Some of us just have the hunger for adventure and there's no way stopping it. My dad got used to it after some years and even flew to a different country by himself to attend my wedding. He'll come around..

Do your own research on the company PRIVATELY, and then get behind her 100%. Do tell her that if things go awry, you'll do everything in your power to assist, but you are expecting great things. Keeps lines of communication open. If you try to talk her out of it, there will be resentment, she will almost certainly do it anyway, and she might not be willing to tell you if something goes wrong.

In my opinion, it'll be the making of her. My DSis lives in Vancouver and it's bloody awesome. I can't answer for the rest of the country or city, but East Van in particular seems a really close knit community.

The city isn't overwhelmingly large, just beautiful. You should let her go, so you can visit

Sounds amazing. I had a two year working visa for Canada but I didn't go until I was 21, and I spent 6 months working and traveling in the US before going to Canada. I'd wind back time and go back in a heartbeat!

Canada is a great place to go. You will have to accept that she has every right to choose her life and she seems very level-headed. Yes it will be a wrench but surely you can just be proud of her for not choosing to do the same as you. Its clearly not her way. Support her and don't make her feel guilty for wanting to determine her life her way. I promise you, you will be the losers if you try to put her off or infect her with your fears. She sounds great.

Bravo to her!

If she's on the East Coast and ever need a brew she can pop round to mine!

😊😁

It sounds great. Let her fly. She clearly wants to!

My mum was 19 in 1964 when she went to the US as an au pair, after answering an ad in "The Lady" magazine.

Remember, no mobiles or internet, expensive landline calls, and most correspondence with family was snail mail. We are still friends with that family.

Your DD has done her research, and as long as she has enough savings to get herself home quickly if needed, I'd say don't clip her wings.

DH still not coming round. Today he was trying to show her flats in our (very cheap) area she could get a deposit on with her savings and going on about how it’s a much better financial decision than her ‘daft’ Canada plan. DD gave him a short shrift.

@MiddayMass

God, this girl bloody amazes me sometimes. She’s back from work and I just asked (in a curious way, not putting her down) “What if you love it and want to stay past the 2 years? What will you do?”

She said “Oh I’ve already looked in to all of that and know some options.”. She mentioned something about scheme (I forgot the name) she’d looked in to. Just in case she loves it and wants to stay. Something about how you don’t necessarily need to be in a skilled role for the scheme and they offer permanent residency to people willing to work in the less bustling provinces. Then she started listing all of the details like how many hours work experience she’d need, all of the technical details etc. She pointed out she might just need to do a Level 2 course at a U.K. college to cover the Canadian high school diploma equivalent requirement. I was 😮 about how much she seemed to have researched it all. Then she joked that I should stop worrying about her wanting to stay there when she hasn’t even started the Working Holiday yet because she might surprise herself and hate it Apparently she’s been planning it all for 2 years.

I’m so proud of her and actually a bit emotional. She does everything for herself and off her own back. She struggled with school, couldn’t do maths and didn’t have the attention span for English and school always made her feel like she was stupid and it was such a hard time for us as a family as she gave up. Looking back I think she’s just such an independent soul who thrives just getting on and doing things for herself.

Sorry I’m going on but I’m having such a proud mum moment. She’s decided what she wants and has just got on with it. Now the initial shock has gone from her telling me last night, I’ve realised just how amazing, self-motivated and independent she is.

What a wonderful mum you are. What a credit to herself and to you, your daughter is. She will do so well in hospitality with that kind of attitude. I know people who work in management in some of the big multinational hotel chains through work and they get amazing perks. She sounds exactly the kind of person employers are crying out for.

I know exactly the kind of home town and dad. I know you can see it but make sure no matter what she knows she always has you to talk to no matter what anyone else around her saying. She will come in for shit from all corners, including her dad if he doesn't wise up. She needs to know you believe in her. As you so clearly do. It's lovely to read your wonder and pride.

To be honest this isn’t the only thing he’s been arsey with her about.

He hates that she works in hospitality and always has done. He wants her to go and work in an office or as a receptionist, that kind of thing. He insists it’s just because she’d get paid more (not necessarily) but I find it a bit weird. I’ve explained that if you are in the right place and have the knack you can go far in hospitality (DD’s friend works in a posh hotel in her uni city where the director apparently started off working on the bar and had worked her way up, and is now on 6 figures!) and that in Canada working in hotels there’ll probably be good opportunities to get her foot in the door and he scoffed. I always saw her doing something with her career to do with hospitality even before Canada.

He wants her to start working full-time in an office, take advantage of the cheap property in the town and buy, and that’s that. That’s his life plan he has set out for her. DS basically did exactly that and has a partner and 2 kids as well and I’m incredibly proud of him for what he’s achieved but DH expects DD to be a carbon copy.

I think it can be very hard for some people to see beyond their experience and assumptions about what "success" is. For your DH, it is stability, familiarity, family close by. Nothing wrong with that. For you it is maybe the same but the difference between the 2 of you is that you can see that "success" or fulfilment can come in another shape too. You can adjust your expectations. Maybe your DH can too, with some time and effort. But it's not your or your DD's job to make him comfortable with that. You can respect his view without agreeing with it. And you can expect home to extend the same courtesy.

I would bet he is terrified of losing his girl and once he acknowledges that, and realises he can't stop it form happening, he'll get on board. And when she makes a massive success of it, he'll pretend he never had any doubts....

Your DD sounds bloody brilliant!!

Of everyone I grew up with, it wasn't the academic ones who followed the traditional route that did really well, it was typically the ones who didn't need university and who just went for it who are now living in million pound homes in my city.

Your husband sounds like a ghastly misogynist sexist pig. I would tell him to change his attitude quick smart or you'll move to Canada as well with her. Seriously what a horrible, loathsome little man with no drive, no ambition and anti-social and misogynist beliefs. Does he have any positive traits? I could not stay married to him, I would grow to resent him and hate him. He is trying to break your daughter's spirit. And his attitude of not looking at her phone is that of an immature 9 year old, so he is immature to boot. This would be LTB level for me. His attitude would depress me and break me, let alone my daughter. He'd be changing his attitude quick smart if I were you! He doesn't have to love the idea but he needs to accept it and not drive a wedge between him and his daughter.

I'm from London dual nationality dad's from Vancouver and yes if she wanted to be a social worker it's not just qualifications but limited jobs in parts of Canada. Vancouver has a population of a qtr of London. But in the service industry experience will matter more and you can work your way up. Every part I've been to knocks the stress of London out of myself. I would say moving to London is more dangerous, in Vancouver it's rare for really bad stuff to happen people are still shocked were as in London a lot of crimes don't even hit the news. I've lived there on a student exchange and it's the kinda place you can work out easily not like somewhere like New York. I love the UK Canada is so beautiful and unique miss it so much at times....My neighbor in London they both come from small towns where everyone has kids by 25 and they have a very solid marriage and great relationship with parents still. Still speaks to her mum at least 5 days a week. So focus on the strengths you have given her and she will carry them with her. To be honest their degree was only just worth doing in terms of pay. They could of got a job in a supermarket and worked their way up and be on more than what a dancer gets teaching for a to London school......I hated school but excelled in work just as I had the motivation and people like that a lot of others just work enough to get paid. would most likely more to Toronto as has more of the jobs I do even in London a degree would help for speclist jobs but has never stopped me gaining skills.

He needs to be very careful or he will drive her away - does he realise that?

My mum's DP (who was in my life since I was young) was similar to your DH.

He thought everyone should work from 16 (because that's what he did), he thought uni was a waste of time and when I said I wanted to go and do a working holiday in Australia he laughed at me, rolled his eyes, and told me what a stupid idea it was.

My mum was sad and said she'd miss me but that it was an amazing opportunity and I should go.

I went, it was everything I hoped it was and it gave me the drive to carve out a different life for myself. I now have my own business and am really proud of the life I'm living.

Admittedly he wasn't my dad, but when I left for Australia I had zero interest in carrying on any contact with him. His attitude just wasn't one I could get on board with and I hated that he was dragging my mum down with his boring ideas.

Maybe once she's out there and having a fantastic time and doing well he'll be able to come round to the idea a bit?