To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

I remember back in the dim and distant past being engaged when I was 20 and thinking about going back to college. My fiance's parents were so weird about it. Told me I had to concentrate on working and getting on the list for a council house. It seemed so utterly unambitious. I realise now it was that same kind of blinkered thinking about earning money now being better than not earning but having more potential later. The aim to get a council house rather than working towards anything else was also incredibly depressing.

I'm so glad you're really behind her now and planning your own visit to see her. Your husband will likely not want to go so better steel yourself for the moaning when he realises you're tootling off for a holiday! He won't want to go, of course, so you must go on your own and have a blast.

@TheGirlCat.

If he lets her go without his blessing and puts a dampener on it for her I’ll be utterly devastated and I think it would affect us. He’ll be sat there twiddling his thumbs waiting for it to go wrong, why would he wish that on his child who wants to go and explore the world?

He’s saying I’m a hypocrite because I didn’t want her to at first either. But it’s different! I was just shocked and upset at the thought of her being miles away. But I know how clever she is, and she was so great at reassuring me and now I’m excited for her. He didn’t even give her the chance. I was scared of things going wrong, he’s scared of it working out.

I’ll mention that I want to try and put a bit of money away to go out there and see her at some point, but no doubt he’ll scoff. He’s tight with money as well. Luckily we both work full-time and whilst we go halfises on bills and rent, we don’t pool the remainder. I can save a couple of hundred a month. I don’t even know if he’d come with me, or whether DD will even welcome him.

He’s definitely projecting as well. He always regrets never buying a house back when he started working full-time and property was even cheaper in our area than it is now and so he’s a bit obsessed with property. We’re not on the breadline but are still low-income and he sees never buying as the route of all of his life’s problems.

He lived vicariously through DS when he bought his property and got really involved, but that wasn’t so bad because DS actively wanted to buy and that was his goal. I think he wanted the opportunity to do it with DD as well.

@MiddayMass

I definitely think keeping a few hundred pounds aside will help ease my worries a bit once she’s gone. I’ve just thought of that idea now.

My biggest worry would be her ending up in some kind of crisis over there with no money to come home, unlikely I know but you hear about this stuff. Or for me to go out there if ever necessary.

As I said, for my own peace of mind more than anything as I can’t bear the thought of something happening and her being stuck of me not being able to go to her.

But she’s got a good head on her shoulders and I’m sure most likely it won’t need to be used. It’s to benefit me by settling my worries more than it is to benefit her

Oh what a wonderful opportunity for her. My daughter did the same when she was 22. She has permanent citizenship out there now.

She met the love of her life there and she expecting there first baby. My daughter been there now 14 years.

Ske has an amazing life. A far better one than she could get in the U.K. My daughter is also in hospitality. They love the British accent out there.

My late husband was from an ex mining area so I know the mentality and how the men especially can be.

My husband escaped it. He didn't want that life. He aeen how his sister and other 2 brothers are. He and one other brother got out.

I was never quite forgiven for taking my husband away from where he was born and bought up. That was made clear when he unexpectedly passed away. Ofcourse I dragged him kicking and wreaking! Not! Ha

Supporting your daughter is exactely what she needs. Ignore your husband. He is acting like a spoilt child who can't get his own way.

He has to learn: its not his life to lead. When he starts just tell him to stop it. Tell your swifter not to try and talk him round and just let him have his perpetual sulk.

Go out on tour on your own if needs be. You would probably have a better time than going with a grumpy sulky husband. Look at it as new adventures for you

We are incredibly lucky to live in a time when it's s small world, with Facetime, Zoom, Skype, and so on. Flights to Canada depending where she is can average 8 hours plus. Fortunately I can fly right in to where my daughter lives.

It's a beautiful country. 2 of my adult sons are still here. They haven't all left me. Ha

Best flight companies are Canadian Affair.Dont pay exonerate flight fees. We generally got/get out there for around £400 each from Manchester.

Check your prices and deals. Enjoy it with her. If your husband wants to be a bleep leave him to it

It's fun and exciting for you both. She will get amazing opportunities out there

This reminds of Educating Rita. Of course you should encourage your daughter to spread her wings, she sounds brilliant. I am from a similar background and ended up in Oz after many adventures. My life has been so full of fun and open horizons, I would never have stayed in my home town, and I doubt your daughter will either. I have a 20 year old son, I have encouraged him to do a degree where working abroad is easy, as I want him to really live his life, and I know he will leap at the opportunity to travel when Covid calms down a bit. Your husband sounds pretty awful, I am sure he must have redeeming qualities, but he needs to give himself a good shake, or he will lose his adventurous and brave daughter.

It’s great that you’ve come round, shame about dh, but she’s an adult and he doesn’t get to tell her she can’t go. If she goes without his unnecessary “blessing” she’ll be fine. She’ll be too busy working and enjoying herself to mope about him.
He will have 2 choices: continue being a twat and make her not want to see him or talk to him, or decide to be proud and supportive and have a daughter who still loves him.

Live your life to give your children wings so they can fly. She will get great memories. Whistler is amazing. Tips are good too. She may come back (likely) though may stay and if she does, you will see her for quality time together. If gc come along then you may be in a position to visit for extended periods so concentrate your life on getting your finances in order to have the luxury of being able to afford the visits. We lost a son to america for a year but he came back enriched plus we have great memories of meeting up with him out there

Really pleased you are coming round, you sound like a great mum.
Sorry about the dh but just ignore him as much as you can. My own mother was deeply unhappy about me going to Japan to teach English but coped!

Sounds exciting and she is showing a lot of initiative. I immigrated to a different country with a backpack at the age of 22. She will have an adventure.

I left home at 17, had a great job my own place. When job opportunities came up I moved with them. Now that want quite as far as Canada but I did move from Aberdeen all the way down to Maidstone on a whim with nothing and no-one, it's was one of the happiest most freeing times of my young life. She's 19 there's literally zero you can do about it and to pressure her out of it would be so wrong.
Perhaps ask her for the name of the agency and maybe even the Facebook group so that you can have a look for yourself, dig around a bit. Check out the legalities surrounding getting her back if she isn't enjoying it etc etc, facts keep me calm so having all the info would put my mind at rest. It's normal for you to be worried and scared but part of you should be excited for her. At least she's working and not on a two year jolly.

It sounds like an opportunity of a lifetime and she should go for it. But you’re not unreasonable, I wouldn’t want my baby going so far either in case she put roots down and stays.

I did similar at that age. She'll fine and grow in confidence, with many lessons learned. She sounds great!

@Frazzled2207

Really pleased you are coming round, you sound like a great mum. Sorry about the dh but just ignore him as much as you can. My own mother was deeply unhappy about me going to Japan to teach English but coped!

Did you do JET? One of my best students did this before Covid, and had a ball. She was somewhere very remote, and loved it.

Wow, great your daughter seems to be mature enough to start spreading her wings, you can keep in touch via skype. Canada is a fabulous start and they speak English.
I get it though, all of us worry about our siblings.
Did same as you, as i grew up, children now have such wonderful opportunities we never had. Im very envious tbh.

OP show your DH this thread.

Your DD sounds brilliant! I hope my DD does more travelling than I ended up doing. I did live in various places across the U.K. with friends, having left home straight after my A Levels. I returned home eventually but l be encouraging mine to get out there and see what the world has to offer.

I’m also from an ex mining town but your DH sounds like an arsehole, quite frankly.

@JadeTrinket
No not jet, a private language school programme.
Was on the outskirts of Tokyo.

I wouldn’t say it was the best days of my life, living as a single gaijin in Japan is hard going. Obviously the language is a huge factor which wouldn’t be the case in Canada. But a very valuable life experience for me.

I think its a fab idea! Don't clip her wings with your fears. Canada is a lovely place.
Remind yourself of what you were doing at her age.
I went off travelling on my own at 22 with no mobiles, only letters. I worked hard to get there and I loved it. I look back fondly some 30 years later and would miss my kids, but would never stop them having that same adventure. It taught me independence, confidence, and I learned to get on with life.
Send her on a self defence course, make sure she has watsapp, email. Get her to contact other travellers, join the Youth Hostelling Association. Preparation is everything and you'll both feel better knowing you helped and she feels supported. Good luck.

"If he lets her go without his blessing and puts a dampener on it for her I’ll be utterly devastated"

But this won't happen. Once she gets to Canada she'll be too busy working, experiencing new things and having a good time for her father's comments to take up any of her mind space. If anything, his comments will make the experience sweeter when she sees that she can in fact blossom somewhere other than in the small community in which she has grown up.

Experienced hospitality staff can earn good money in Canada, particularly in the winter resorts, and many places are now year-round resorts. In the short off-season periods (e.g. end of April, November) she can go travelling. Season workers tend to buy or rent a car or van at these times and go off exploring together for a few weeks.

I haven't lived in my home country since I left university. It's sad for my parents (I get that) but we still see each other regularly (pre-COVID and again soon), probably as often as, for example, if I were living in another part of the US that was a couple of thousand miles away (possible.)

Your DH needs to realise your daughter is very likely to go, regardless, and he can either have a good relationship with her in the future or he can set the situation up for a possible estrangement from her.

When I first read your post, I thought she was literally buying a plane ticket and flying out on her own to an airport in Canada, with the idea she could sort out the arrangements once she got there. Definitely no.

BUNAC is about as reliable as things get. Your daughter is not planning anything remotely worrying.

Good luck to your daughter, I hope she has a great time. I used to buy the Lady magazine and dream of travelling and working in other countries as an au pair, it's great she's brave and ready for adventure. My daughter did an international degree with a year in Hamilton in Canada, she had a great time. Do buy her the best snow boots you can afford, Sorel are good.

I would talk to her about the subject whenever she brings it up .Keep up the interest ,discuss the pros and cons and your safety worries .Do your research ,with her and on your own .It will all work out ok I'm sure .She sounds confident and headstrong ,just be with her every step of the way .

Yes, OP, I suspected your DH was living vicariously through your DC before you said so. That's because my DF tries to do the same thing.

I'm in my mid 20s and trying to do similar to your DD (a MSc. in another continent) and DF just can't wrap his head around it. Oh, he supports me enough, but he just doesn't understand why I would try, when I could follow in his footsteps here working only mornings and earning more.

The reality is that I don't want to, and no matter how often DF says "You're wasting your time studying Science" I'll stick to this third world country and build new builds.

When DB dropped out of the course DF had carefully picked for him, DF went to his bedroom and cried in defeat. Never mind that DB is much happier now. It's this sort of thing, isn't it? If a set path worked for them, why bother following a different one?

I'd tell your DD to go, even without your DH's approval. That she's got you for whatever she needs, and that you're so proud of how much she's researched.

I don't think it's fair to say that trying to beat down your child's aspirations and deliberately trying to make them feel stupid so you can control their life in order to sooth your own negative self-esteem is motivated by love. That's not what love means. That's not what love looks like. That's not how love behaves.

He has a chip on his shoulder about his own perceived inadequacies and instead of dealing with those feelings himself, he's trying to beat his daughter down so he can feel superior. He doesn't want her to succeed because if she does it will dent his ego - that's twisted. If she 'fails' he feels superior so he is actively trying to ensure she does fail.

It's hardly any wonder she has spent 2 years planning this in secret when - by your own admission - her father has a track record of stomping all over her dreams and putting her down to make himself feel good.

It must have taken great courage and determination for her to pursue this with that background.