To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

Yep it exists and it sounds an amazing opportunity. Of course you are allowed to be a bit worried (same if she moved to another city in the uk), but terrified and DH wanting to persuade her out of it...I despair. Stop clipping your daughters wings just because its not your own personal experience. One Google could have told you these things exist

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity . Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Funking hell. That's no excuse. If that were excusable, humanity wouldn't have progressed beyond living in caves. He has an awful attitude and should take responsibility for it and you shouldn't be excusing him or anyone else based on bring from a small mining town. Its like excusing racism on old age (understandable if someone uses a wrong term and when corrected, realise and apologise..very different to resolutely stick to your guns and blame it on your age/background. Disgusting behaviour)

Did the same in Australia at 19, stayed on a visa for 3 years.it's a great opportunity at a ski resort she'll meet loads of other young people there. I have family in Canada and it's a great place, went out for 2 summers there. Good luck to her. I'd be getting out of the UK too if I was 19.

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him “It’s all well and good looking to buy a house here, but if you don’t what to be here why would you?.” And then he responds that he doesn’t get why she wouldn’t want to be here.

He doesn't need to 'get why' she doesn't want to be there. He has to accept that she's an adult, an autonomous human being, a person who is in control of her life and she makes the decisions what she wants to do with that life.

I’ll mention that I want to try and put a bit of money away to go out there and see her at some point, but no doubt he’ll scoff. He’s tight with money as well

I normally recommend openness in all things, but if you do this, be prepared for him to discover something the money absolutely has to be spent on instead - either that or constant whining about the "waste of money" to spoil your anticipation of a lovely trip

He’ll be sat there twiddling his thumbs waiting for it to go wrong, why would he wish that on his child who wants to go and explore the world?

Because he sounds profoundly limited ...

@Roussette

He doesn't need to 'get why' she doesn't want to be there. He has to accept that she's an adult, an autonomous human being, a person who is in control of her life and she makes the decisions what she wants to do with that life.

Absolutely this. A lot of my life decisions have made my parents very sad and incomphrehending -- although these decisions would generally be viewed as 'good' things and achievements (like staying on at school till 18, getting a scholarship to university (the first in the extended family to go), getting several postgraduate degrees, also on scholarships, working in a professional field.)

But fundamentally, I don't need them to approve. If I had done the things they'd approved of, I'd have left school at fifteen and had two children and no qualifications by 20.

My colleague's 22 year old daughter went out yesterday to do it. She has gone to Whistler and has a job to start with out there in some sort of ski restaurant. She too has a two year visa. Her dad who I work with is an intelligent switched on man, there's no way she would have gone if it wasn't ok. He seems very excited for her. Good for your daughter, explore while you can I say

She doesn’t want to be there because she’s not an extension of him and has her own life to live… he’ll get over it surely! He can’t be cross forever, it’s not his decision to make. He can do nothing about this!

I don't know where she's going to Canada, but here in Quebec, there's a serious lack of staff (due to trudo paying out money for doing nothing). So she will have no issue finding a job and depending on where she is and her personnality, she can make friends and have a nice experience. But of course, as a mother, I absolutely understand you.

When I was 16, a school friend invited to join her and her family in East Africa. My mother, a widow with a lot of extended family responsibilities, encouraged me to go and paid my fare.
I had a fabulous time. Some of it scary (it was at the time of the Mau Mau independence uprising) but overall it was the adventure of a lifetime. It gave me self-confidence, determination, an enhanced curiosity about how and why other people behave as they do. 60+ years later, I'm still benefitting from that holiday.
Support your daughter, OP! Consider stepping away from your dreary, nay-saying "partner"?

@Anuta77

I don't know where she's going to Canada, but here in Quebec, there's a serious lack of staff (due to trudo paying out money for doing nothing). So she will have no issue finding a job and depending on where she is and her personnality, she can make friends and have a nice experience. But of course, as a mother, I absolutely understand you.

Similar here in Maine. This is absolutely the moment to move here to work in hotels. DH's company owns a string of hotels and they are desperate for staff. There are massive promotions available for anyone who's competent. The hotels made an absolute fortune this year, and the bonuses available are also eye-watering.

The president of the hospitality division of DH's company is on about $250k with no degree, just a lot of experience. She's 35. I don't think she even graduated high school. She's very good at her job, which is what counts.

Although it sounds like the OP's daughter has ruled out the US, so she'll miss those opportunities.

[quote MiddayMass]@TheGirlCat.

If he lets her go without his blessing and puts a dampener on it for her I’ll be utterly devastated and I think it would affect us. He’ll be sat there twiddling his thumbs waiting for it to go wrong, why would he wish that on his child who wants to go and explore the world?

He’s saying I’m a hypocrite because I didn’t want her to at first either. But it’s different! I was just shocked and upset at the thought of her being miles away. But I know how clever she is, and she was so great at reassuring me and now I’m excited for her. He didn’t even give her the chance. I was scared of things going wrong, he’s scared of it working out.

I’ll mention that I want to try and put a bit of money away to go out there and see her at some point, but no doubt he’ll scoff. He’s tight with money as well. Luckily we both work full-time and whilst we go halfises on bills and rent, we don’t pool the remainder. I can save a couple of hundred a month. I don’t even know if he’d come with me, or whether DD will even welcome him.[/quote]
He's not going to put a dampener on it for her. She's going to be having too much fun to spend any time thinking about her small-minded dad back home.

You definitely should go and visit her on her own. If she's anything like me she'll be delighted to have her mum come over without her dad. I bet you have a much better time than you would if he was there too, grumping all over the place.

I did one of these jobs as a teen and loved it, I still have friends I see all the time from those days.

I don’t know if my fear is rational or not

Totally rational. But not a good reason to stop her.

My daughter applied to university in Canada. I helped her with the application. Put hours into it. Was dead chuffed when she didn't get in.

I'm not proud of that.

@MiddayMass

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him “It’s all well and good looking to buy a house here, but if you don’t what to be here why would you?.” And then he responds that he doesn’t get why she wouldn’t want to be here.

You need to tell him "It isn't his business why she doesn't want to be here"

Our children are through us, not of us: she is now 19 and it's time for her to fly.

Our children are not our property. I would focus on supporting your daughter. This is also time for you too. I think you seriously need to evaluate your relationship with him.

As I said in my other post on page 21 "It's time for you too now"

I get aa I said about the area you come from. That doesn't make it right though what he is doing. It is emotional blackmail, coercive and abuse

You can't fix your DH's attitude, all you can do is point out to him that we are all different, she wants to do this, she is going to do this, so he might as well be moderately supportive - because the alternative is she leaves on bad terms. But if he can't get out of his own head, leave him be, and focus on being supportive to her.

It sounds like a great idea, especially as it appears there aren't many opportunities for her where you live?d If she's practical and a self starter, and it certainly sounds like she is, then there will be plenty of opportunities for her in Canada to work her way up. There are plenty of careers that don't need formal qualifications.

I understand you are sad to see her go, but please give her your blessing - travel is the best education. Don't let your husband or anyone else pull her down, please - the world really needs brave and adventurous souls, and Canada is an extremely safe country anyway.

Who knows, maybe she'll have a brilliant career in hospitality and you'll be visiting her all over the world.

Lots of luck to her. You should be proud.

... your daughter apart, what are you going to do now both your kids have left home? Because at 50 you have a lot of life left...

And then he responds that he doesn’t get why she wouldn’t want to be here

Same reason he doesn’t want to be anywhere else

We’ve had more of it today. DD is surprisingly tolerant but upset as she feels he things she’s unintelligent and has been stupid enough to fall for a scam. The whole thing is seriously making me see him in a different light now.

He’s an absolute git.

She won’t be going for a good few months yet anyway, due to how the visas are issued. I have no doubt she’ll go though, if she’s been planning it for 2 years. God he’s going to be insufferable.

At this stage I would be having serious words with him. Who the hell does he think he is to dictate that your daughter should have the same small life that he is happy with? I'm afraid this makes me very cross indeed, and very grateful to my mum who encouraged me to move away from our rural country town. I am the only one in my extended family to leave, some of them think I am quite mad I know, but I couldn't be happier with the life I have chosen, and my mum is very proud of me. If your husband can't buck up his ideas, I'm afraid I would be looking at him quite differently if I were you. It is, after all, a parents job to encourage their children's dreams and aspirations, not piss all over them because they are too thick to imagine someone wanting to take a different path in life. I am glad you have come round to the idea, it looks like your daughter will need your support. I hope she has an absolute blast in Canada and doesn't move back to her home town after.

He’s creating an own goal.

If he is trying to make her stay, all he is doing is driving her away.

And if / as she will go come what may, why do all he can to make her leaving in bad terms?

Is it that he just can’t cope emotionally with the idea of her not being close? Is there anyone who can have a heart to heart snd listen to his fears and get to the bottom of it?

I’d do my due diligence but that sounds amazing. I did work America with Bunac at 20 with a friend, but there were others on their own (tbf was only a summer thing but I’m sure similar schemes exist for permanent positions). Everyone buddies up quickly

I'm afraid I agree with@TheWestIsTheBest .
I think you do need to have serious words with him.
What kind of parent tries to prevent their child spreading their wings. Tries to tie them down to a small boring life when that is not what they want.
I also would be seeing him in a completely different light.
When he states that he doesn't get why she wouldn't want to buy a house in your town, point out he doesn't have to "get" it, he just has to respect her dreams and ambitions. To support her to achieve them. She is 19!! She needs to live a little before even thinking about buying property to tie her down.
If he doesn't stop with his knobish behaviour, he will loose her completely. Is that what he wants?
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