To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

Havent read all the comments @MiddayMass but it seems the majority are very encouraging of your DD.

I'm from a very small town in Scotland that sounds v.similar to where you are from. None of my family had went to uni and couldn't comprehend that I would move to the nearest big city never mind the other side of world.

I first started planning my working holiday to Australia when I was 20 although I was 26 before I finally went with my now DH but we had only been together a short time when we left. Stayed for 7 years, had a great time, fantastic career, ended up having my DC over there but after DC came along and then Covid we made the decision to move back home and I have now found myself living back in my hometown, no one is more surprised than me but I'm very happy and have slotted back in just nicely after many years away.

As terrified as you are it's an absolutely amazing opportunity and good on your DD for having the drive and gumption to do it. My time overseas has really widened my world and taught me so much more than I would have ever learned had I stayed put.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity . Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Just reading a few more of your comments there. My hometown is exactly the same. People are personally offended when you want to leave and can't fathom that you wouldn't just live in the same town your whole life. Must say I didn't get as much grief from my DF but they we aren't particularly close, however several members of family on my late DM's side were astounded I would move to Oz and relationships have really suffered with some because of it.

A lot of people on Mumsnet will never be able to understand your DH attitude but unfortunately I have had first hand experience of it, all I can advise is you make it clear that DD will go regardless of his opinion and he will make the whole process much easier in himself if he tries to be supportive.

@MiddayMass, what a lovely open-minded mum you are. I love how you've sought other perspectives and are now backing your daughter to the hilt. She sounds a resourseful and resilient young woman and I'm sure she'll thrive.

@MiddayMass

For what it’s worth I’m not saying I don’t think my DD is capable of being able to stay in Canada at all. I’m just not sure how plausible it is as an unskilled worker? I’ll have to have a read in to whether it can be done if you’re in a management role as DD is capable of progressing to that I think.

There’s always the possibility she absolutely loves the place and decides to go to uni etc with the goal of being able to go there permanently. That’d be a good motivation for her.

I didn’t even get GCSEs at school, my highest grade a D and lowest ungraded, I couldn’t learn anything. School was a place I socialised with my friends, nothing more. I ended up staying in NZ because I was a good worker, I was lucky as the company I worked for wanted to keep me and offered to sponsor me with no formal qualifications because I was good at my job. Several years later I went to university as an adult student.

Also a lot of industries also have their own form of qualifications that you can work towards while working.

I absolutely hate all the focus on qualifications in the UK as if only people who are academically inclined are capable of actually working in decent jobs.

I wanted to do something similar at 21 after graduating - I did a summer camp in North America with BUNAC age 19. I won’t say I had the best time at that camp but I was well supported by BUNAC (needed surgery on a facial injury while I was there - horse related ). My mum talked me out of going back on a work visa and I’ve regretted it ever since. Please let her go - just have some money aside for a flight if she needs to come home early.

I have nephews who have worked on the ski hills in Canada and they loved it! They shifted areas winter to summer to cover different resorts but there was never a lack of work when they did it.

It is a fantastic experience for young adults and it does help them nature (and have a great time too!)

She sounds like an incredible young woman, you should be very proud

Sounds amazing. Canada is a pretty safe place. I came to the U.K. just before turning 18 and still here 24 years later. Best thing I ever did. Could you arrange to go and meet her, that way you can see she’s ok with your own eyes but also get a lovely family holiday in.

Let her. I moved abroad when I was 22. She can always come back…

She sounds wonderful, and you sound like a super mum. You should be so proud of her, but also of yourself.

ooooh… i would be scared shitless to. i know we have to start letting go, but round the corner to start with would suit me best. especially at that age. this hard for you because if you oppose and she still goes ahead with the trip she may not feel comfortable calling on you fir help while she there as she may feel that it would be the ‘ i told you so’. so you need to know that should she go ahead she knows that you will always be there with help support etc. good luck

My little brother sounds very much like your daughter. He went to Australia with bunac and honestly it was the making of him. He had the best time and made lifelong friends and experienced things he would never have done at home. I can understand why you would have concerns but she is also an adult and she will leave one day. Support her and once she's settled book a holiday to go see her. My parents came back so happy seeing him thriving in a new environment.

I did exactly this when I was 18. Best decision of my life. She will love it - don’t let her miss this. Get a holiday booked to see her after she’s been there 6 months.
PM me if you want, I’m now old and have my own kids but can 100% give advice from both sides xxx

I went to Hong Kong at 18. Best thing I ever did. I would be far more concerned if she was pregnant living 5 mins down the road

Sounds amazing - I wish I had done something like that and hope my kids do. Agree with PP - would much rather they spent their 20s having experiences like this than having babies!!

Please don’t stop her from going! It is real and it is an amazing opportunity to make new friends and connections across the globe. My dad stopped me from going at that age and I regret not going anyway.

Hi, look I think that as long as you do your research and check on the resort etc and you have the finances to get her home if she needs it, then let her go. I am now in my late 40s, and was a year younger than everyone else in my school year so I finished my a-levels at 17. I promptly up and left, travelled out to HK, got a job in hotels for a year, came back home to uni but only did 1.5 years of it before I decided I preferred working, went at 19 back out to Asia and had an incredible 15 year career doing something I absolutely adored, I loved being overseas, and I would recommend it to any young person that honestly has done the research and has some spare finance in case things dont work out.

I get that you are worried and will miss her beyond belief, but she'll learn so much about herself and about life having this kind of adventure. Who knows where life will take her and consequently take you! How exciting, I wish her all the best!

Both you and your daughter are amazing people - you because of your open-mindedness and the ability to look at things from her perpective, and she for all the careful thought and planning she put into it. It also takes a lot of guts to pull something like that off, especially if the attitudes like your husband's are prevalent in your community.

He'll just have to learn to live with it. Your DD is grown up, he can't dictate what to do with her life. I have a feeling that one of the reasons she needs the faraway adventure is the suffocating local atmosphere that you've described. Your husband's grumbling will only make her more determined to go away, not less.

I hope she has an awesome time there and puts her great skills to good use. I think a lot of "proud mum" moments are awaiting you. And Canada is a great country, I hope you'll get to go there!

Good luck!

Sounds fab. I went at 19 but only fir 8 months. Just check out that it’s all legit.

Your daughter sounds amazing OP, I would be so proud of my kids if they had a plan like this, never mind put all the thought and research into it your DD has

My youngest went to India for 6 months aged 18..... She worked for a magazine in one city and for a newspaper in another city, then she worked in an orphanage. Was I worried? Not in particular - until she came back and told me about her very substandard (and dangerous!) accommodation! I did have concerns that she might get ill and we'd take for ever to get to her, but sometimes you have to grin, be encouraging and let our children get on with it. And if she was confident before she went away, she was drowning in confidence when she got back. But, and she'll never know this, I really missed her.....

its called "crab bucket" My lovely Mil and her son, my husband got ostracised from her family for wanting to better themselves.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Crab%20bucket

Sounds great. I’m pretty envious.
I did Eurocamp for the summer when I was 18, Camp America again for the summer when I was 20, and Australia at 21, and ended up there for 18 months, then NZ for a year. All alone. I was fine - mostly.
Going through an agency will be pricier, but would give her some organisational back up. Sounds like she’s got it all planned. Be there for her, support her, encourage her - and be in the end of the phone about 4/5 months in, when the homesickness kicks in.

Hi op, my eldest daughter did a round the world trip on her own when she was 19, for similar reasons to yours. Mine is dyslexic and asthmatic and I was really scared for her. But she worked hard to afford it, got jobs on the way round and really enjoyed it. It did wonders for her confidence. I did make her take a written card with I am asthmatic and need a doctor on it in several languages to help me with my fears. ( she never needed it).
The only bit of this I’d be cautious about is the ski chalet work. She also did this in France, can’t remember the resort now. The young people are worked really very hard with little real care. Make sure she has medical insurance. Other than that my advice is to show a confident face to your daughter, so she can believe in her ability to get by the world on her own merit. Bloody well done to her for researching it etc…by all means talk through stuff and let her know it’s ok to come home if it does not work out for her. Go for it! Who knows what this world is going to be like in the future…get out there while she can!

Both of my kids have been on courses abroad and worked abroad it has given them confidence and understanding of other cultures. We visited my son in Thailand when he was teaching English and throughly enjoyed it. The people he worked with were charming and interesting.