Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

237 replies

Cotscats · 14/11/2021 21:44

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 12:59

@Cotscats

I want to be with someone who likes me and who likes talking to me. Someone who wants to spend time with me. A partner who is my partner in the sense we make decisions together and they are actively involved.
I think you need to reframe this whole thing so it's not as much about you / him and is about the kids. That might give you the boost you need to leave.

Someone asked what you wanted and you've described a future relationship.

I feel that, as someone who grew up in a tense and shouty household where I wish my parents divorced while I still lived with them, your answer is a bit troubling.

I feel like I expected it to be "I want my kids to live in a happy, calm home where they aren't being made anxious and stressed by parents fighting and taking frustrations out on them."

Rather than your decision to leave being based on whether you can meet someone 'better', it should be based on the fact your current set up is unfair, unhealthy and damaging for the kids.

catfunk · 15/11/2021 13:04

Honestly I'd leave. And I'd stop doing anything for him until one of you has moved out.

SeaOfLights · 15/11/2021 13:15

youvegottenminuteslynn I initially read that the same as you, but then I thought Cotscats was really describing how she wanted her relationship to be - the question she was answering ‘what do you want?’ was in relation to how her husband would be quite happy to keep how things were with her doing everything. And a poster asked, ‘and what do you want?’ to which she replied what she would like the relationship to be.

Ie the question was about the adult relationship, not the children, and that was what she was answering.

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 13:17

My response wasn't describing a future relationship. I've no interest in meeting someone new. My response was describing what I wanted from my husband, because I was asked what I wanted rather than what I wanted for my children.

If I had been asked what I wanted for my children I would have responded with a description of the home and relationships I want them to grow up in.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 13:18

@SeaOfLights

youvegottenminuteslynn I initially read that the same as you, but then I thought Cotscats was really describing how she wanted her relationship to be - the question she was answering ‘what do you want?’ was in relation to how her husband would be quite happy to keep how things were with her doing everything. And a poster asked, ‘and what do you want?’ to which she replied what she would like the relationship to be.

Ie the question was about the adult relationship, not the children, and that was what she was answering.

Ah ok that makes more sense.

But as I expressed in previous posts, if the children are the priority then removing them from this environment is vital.

Even if they live in a smaller, happy healthy home with a happy, healthy primary carer (OP) and visit their dad. If he's still a dick to them then at least they have a safe place to come home to. Better to have a safe place 50% minimum of the time (and let's be honest, there's no chance he will actually want 50/50) than be in a stressful, toxic, tense home with two adults who no longer love or respect each other 100% of the time.

There's no benefit to the children growing up in this environment. They'll likely repeat the pattern in their own adult relationships which is so incredibly unfair on them.

DrSbaitso · 15/11/2021 13:20

Sorry, I asked that question and yes, I did gear it towards what OP wanted.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 13:20

If I had been asked what I wanted for my children I would have responded with a description of the home and relationships I want them to grow up in

Apologies OP, I misunderstood.

If you were asked that question re your kids what would you say you want?

And can you see it's not achievable with the man you're currently with?

Tiredalwaystired · 15/11/2021 13:39

Please don’t co-exist because you’re scared to leave. My best friend did this for five years. Her relationship got more and more toxic until it reached a very violent head (no previous physical violence in the relationship) and she had to leave.

It was the best thing she has ever done and is now very happy with another partner. She was scared to go but when push came to shove she did it and it’s been wonderful. I’m so sad she didn’t leave when it became clear she should, because she could have avoided what happened (which her kids saw). it was destined to happen anyway.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/11/2021 13:41

@lechatnoir

I don't think you've got anything to lose (once you've your financial ducks in a row) by sitting him down one evening and telling him you aren't prepared to continue like this and have an appointment with a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. What's the worse he can do - get in a strop? Nothing new there and at least by telling him you will force yourself to face up to the situation and act. Make it clear, you are there for the children only and everything else is on him - I'd make it clear if he wants to leave life will be a lot easier but if not, his washing, cooking cleaning etc are on him. I hope you can find the help and support you need and don't let your childhood experience colour your judgement as I don't know many (any?) people who say life post divorce was worse than life in a toxic environment with a bully for a father.
I agree with this. At this point you have nothing to loose be having a "matter of fact" conversation. I would not do any domestic caring for him, laundry, cooking, etc. I would have a mantra "I do not function well when treated badly". I would not "try and talk" - he has run that down.

Meantime, get your finances organized. Find a good solicitor. Start looking at alternative living accommodations - get to know the market out there. Really focus when in work, and figure out what you need to do to increase your earnings.

Give yourself a timeline - say three or six months.

You can create a haven for you and the children that will be filled with peace and love.

Your life sounds so very sad. Prince Charming exists you know - it is you. Time to get about rescuing yourself. Imagine the warmth and love you and the dc will have in a space created for you by you.

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 13:42

A home with laughter and fun. Parents who respect and love each other. Relationships with their parents that foster feelings of trust, confidence and security, a sense of wellbeing. What I want for them is to have a strong and solid base at home so that no matter what the world throws at them, they have that strength on the inside and that safe place to retreat to when they need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 13:43

I want them to be happy and resilient.

OP posts:
MsAgnesDiPesto · 15/11/2021 13:45

@Cotscats

A home with laughter and fun. Parents who respect and love each other. Relationships with their parents that foster feelings of trust, confidence and security, a sense of wellbeing. What I want for them is to have a strong and solid base at home so that no matter what the world throws at them, they have that strength on the inside and that safe place to retreat to when they need to.
All good aims. But you can’t change your DH to provide all that unless he wants to. And he doesn’t seem to either want to, or know how to. You can’t love him better, or wish him capable. You have to be practical here, with your children’s well-being as your absolutely primary consideration.

So the next best thing would be to create that secure home yourself, for you and your children. They don’t need two parents under the same roof for their home to be the sanctuary you seek. Believe it or not, you are capable of doing that by yourself!

logsonlogsoff · 15/11/2021 13:48

My PILs sound like you and your DH. Still together after 50 odd years for the ‘kids’ or financial reasons. They loathe each other and have caused untold Damage to their kids over the years.
They should have divorced 40 years ago. Your children are NOT going to be happier if you stay in this toxic relationship.
Go see a lawyer and start planning your escape route - even though you’re not on the deeds you are married with children so will have lots of rights.

Sidehustle99 · 15/11/2021 13:55

I am not surprised you are miserable.
I think you need to talk to your GP about your low mood and try to arrange some talking therapy.

Your marriage is not the same as your parents and your divorce doesn't have to be either.

Staying in this relationship will not be better longer term for your DC. What you are showing them is that marriage is miserable, with DM angry and frustrated and DP not participating then using his angry voice to get his way/shut you up.

Divorce is a choice. You could try MC but it doesn't sound like your DH wouldn't be up for that. He already avoids making any useful contribution to your lives.

You would probably find your DH will have to do more if you were separated and you would have more time for you.

Thwackit · 15/11/2021 17:05

It’s awful, OP. Joyless, not loving, not close, not a partnership. It sounds like he has no interest in putting in any effort into your relationship or into trying to resolve any issues. You try to talk to him about being happy and you can’t because he’s unable to deal with problems without shouting and battling against you. That’s about as basic as a relationship gets: you have to be with someone you can talk to. Otherwise, you can’t possibly be a partnership. You are asking for an absolute basic and he can’t even manage that.

It sounds like he’s checked out emotionally from you and the kids because he doesn’t really care that everyone is clearly unhappy. Perhaps he’s too cowardly to admit things aren’t working and is hoping if he continues you’ll leave him. Then he can continue the absolute facade that he’s a great partner and you were the one who bailed out.

I wouldn’t hesitate to leave, OP. You get one very short and precious life. You can’t spend it merely existing and wishing it were different. Bring about that change yourself if he’s unwilling to be the one to help you make things better.

HikingforScenery · 15/11/2021 17:29

@Cotscats

What does he do? He'll make a sarcastic comment like "oh are you actually going to not be so lazy and put your things in the dishwasher today?" and he'll keep going with it, so 4 or 5 comments in the same vein, while the child gets increasingly upset. If they speak back, he'll shout, then the child starts crying or runs out of the room upset.

I've asked him not to do this countless times. I suggest he just nicely/politely asks the child to do the thing he'd like them to do, rather than always use sarcasm or making a derogatory comment. He always throws an insult in there instead of just asking them something.

The other thing he does is charge over them and not ask them what they want. Examples are, when he wants the children to stop what they're doing to go out/go to be/come to the dinner table, he'll just walk in, switch off the TV/take away their game - there's never any communication, ie: it's nearly bedtime, please cn you switch off the TV?

The kids might reply, can we just watch the last 5 minutes? Which I think is reasonable and then they're happy and there's no drama and big fall out.

Oh OP, that sounds awful. I’m sorry. It sounds like he’s really lacking in the art of communication with the DC too. Such a shame Sad
happydramatic · 15/11/2021 17:56

It sounds like he bullies your children. It's not just a complete breakdown in communication, he verbally berates them. You need to either stop this or leave- with them. I'm so sorry. Xx

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 18:22

I don’t know how we got to this. It’s horrible and there’s no way back because he is just not willing to put the effort in.

OP posts:
GloriaSicTransitMundi · 15/11/2021 23:12

Please let us know how you get on @Cotscats - wishing you strength, sending you love..

Cottagepieandpeas · 16/11/2021 00:10

@gah2teenagers

Your history will not be your children’s history. So stop believing that. Leave him your children will not have to injure the pain you have already admitted you are putting them through.
“Injure”? Endure?
Cottagepieandpeas · 16/11/2021 00:15

@Cotscats

I don’t know how we got to this. It’s horrible and there’s no way back because he is just not willing to put the effort in.
Such a horrible situation to be in @Cotscats Sending good thoughts and wishing you strength and peace.
MizzFizz · 16/11/2021 00:22

Get counseling... if you can't save the relationship, it can also be a way to end a relationship more peacefully.

paisley256 · 16/11/2021 01:43

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here.

I haven't much to add except that I'd love to think at some point in the future, you'd all be free from this awful bully and that you'd post saying not only were you all happy, but that you were thriving too.

Please please make that your reality, you and your children deserve nothing less.

I wish you all the very best Flowers

mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 02:01

I second this ^^

mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 02:06

A home with laughter and fun. Parents who respect and love each other. Relationships with their parents that foster feelings of trust, confidence and security, a sense of wellbeing. What I want for them is to have a strong and solid base at home so that no matter what the world throws at them, they have that strength on the inside and that safe place to retreat to when they need to.

Your H doesn't want that.

He has what he wants right now and it's the opposite of what any decent, healthy parent wants for their home life and their children. He has ready made victims who are helpless when he targets them.

If you want a good, safe home for your children , you are going to have to provide it for them yourself.