I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

[Cotscats]

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

I think the difference is though @SomeFineDay and for the op, you're talking about the feelings you had THIRTY YEARS (or whatever) ago. Times have changed so so much from then. There isn't the same shame any more. You're not in the minority in your class any more with no one going through the same to talk to.

[quote SomeFineDay]@CherryPieface

“For the children’s sake” really? Divorce is rarely done for the children’s sake and this is usually just a self justification used by those who want the divorce.[/quote]
Sorry but this is utter bollocks. And a damaging message to send to a woman who is struggling in an unhappy marriage.

Divorce is undertaken for as many reasons as there are couples. But very rarely do people divorce for shits and giggles. It's distressing, destabilising and expensive.

Children can suffer significantly from a divorce. But children can also suffer and in my opinion suffer more from remaining in a family where the parents clearly have contempt for one another and you can cut the tension with a knife.

Telling a woman who is being bullied by a nasty piece of work that she is being selfish by considering trying to create a calmer and more stable environment for herself and her children is a really toxic message to be sending.

OP you clearly have to work through this some more. But please don't allow comments like this to influence you.

Paying for some help is difficult because we live in a house that's in a terrible state. It was a project when we bought it, and 3 years later it's still a project. We have some money put aside to renovate, but with everyone working from home and home schooling over the last couple of years it wasn't the right time.

My husband won't help with the house project. He would continue living like this if I didn't do anything. It's another huge project that I somehow need to find time for and I'm overwhelmed - not because I'm not capable but because I physically do not have the hours in the day to research, manage, live amongst building work.

LittleMissUnreasonable
You and your husband are single handedly destroying your DCs lives. They can't even eat dinner without Dad picking on them, then Mum having a go at them. You need to get a serious grip OP and stop simpering around couple counselling, co existing and smaller houses. Ffs, so selfish

@Cotscats is reaching out for advice and doesn't deserve this horrible response. Sometimes you're so in a situation you lose perspective. She's trying to consider what's right and starting by looking at how things are, give her a break!

OP my suggestion would be to start squirrelling money away in a hidden account, look up counselling options, talk to CAB, check out websites like www.womensaid.org.uk/ but make sure you cover your tracks. Set up an email account that he doesn't know about, don't save the password on any device, input it each time, and use this for making enquiries, also like a diary - send yourself emails noting things that happen, his behaviour, your behaviour, your feelings, DC feelings, and after a while a pattern will become clear and help you make choices.

This is a start - good luck OP, please do start taking some steps towards checking out your options.

There's a pattern where it's guaranteed that if I leave a room, within 5 minutes he will have upset one of the children.

What does he do?

@Cotscats

Our house is solely in his name as is the mortgage. We are married with 3 children.

You realise that his assets will be split with you when you divorce even if they are in his name? Given you have children, probably at least 50-50.

[quote SomeFineDay]@thepeopleversuswork

I didn’t tell her she was being selfish, I think he’s behaving badly (from what we’ve heard which to be fair is one side) so calm down.[/quote]
Stop telling women that the only reason they could have to disagree with you is if they're hysterical.

OP, this is no way to live your life.
I really hope you find a way to move on and be the real you without all this stress.

Oh OP, you had an unhappy childhood because your parents couldn't do divorce kindly. Your children are having an unhappy childhood - yes they are, now, every day - because you and DH can't be happily married. You are having trouble accepting this because of your past, but you must accept it, for everyone's sake. Make the brave choice and give them a happy life.

OP I understand the feeling of being stuck and wanting to leave but also facing the reality of having to get everything sorted if you split when you're already exhausted with everything else. but short term pain long term gain. just do it - you will look back in how many years and wonder why you wasted time.

What does he do? He'll make a sarcastic comment like "oh are you actually going to not be so lazy and put your things in the dishwasher today?" and he'll keep going with it, so 4 or 5 comments in the same vein, while the child gets increasingly upset. If they speak back, he'll shout, then the child starts crying or runs out of the room upset.

I've asked him not to do this countless times. I suggest he just nicely/politely asks the child to do the thing he'd like them to do, rather than always use sarcasm or making a derogatory comment. He always throws an insult in there instead of just asking them something.

The other thing he does is charge over them and not ask them what they want. Examples are, when he wants the children to stop what they're doing to go out/go to be/come to the dinner table, he'll just walk in, switch off the TV/take away their game - there's never any communication, ie: it's nearly bedtime, please cn you switch off the TV?

The kids might reply, can we just watch the last 5 minutes? Which I think is reasonable and then they're happy and there's no drama and big fall out.

@Cotscats

Thank you for all the information, support, views. He is not here today and I feel happier, brighter. This week I want to unravel my thoughts a little more. The app for logging things sounds interesting *@freeingNora*. Do you have any names?

To answer some questions, yes I always intended to return to work full time (I worked part time while having children/before they started school). It's not been an easy adjustment because 100% of the responsibilities around house and kids falls to me and there are not enough hours in the day to do everything.

When he's lying in front of the TV at the kids bedtime whilst I'm trying to put away laundry, read with the kids, make sure everyone's organised for the next day, I feel resentful and then go to bed feeling angry which is horrible.

On the week ends I hate his presence - he has usually would one of the kids up or just not listened to them so that they feel frustrated and cry by 9am Saturday morning.

There's a pattern where it's guaranteed that if I leave a room, within 5 minutes he will have upset one of the children. I have to be present all of the time when he's there if that makes sense? It's impossible of course and when I leave a room and then there's an incident, I feel so angry and frustrated.

I'm looking for a counsellor this morning, for me. And I'm thinking about the future.

OP I’m so sorry. I completely understand how annoying it is when the men don’t pull their weight at home. I hope you have some time to clear your head and make decisions for your family

What do you mean by winding the kids up ? I just hope it’s not a case of you being too soft on them and then maybe he expects more from them?

I grew up in a home like this and it damaged me. There was always an atmosphere and I dreaded the sound of my father's key in the lock. I am not grateful to my parents, quite the opposite. You are modelling the relationship your children will think is normal and no doubt, repeat themselves

@SomeFineDay

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

That is beyond ridiculous.

However, if you think you're being actually gaslit by having your derisive comments confronted a couple of times on an Internet forum, it's astonishing that you could be so dismissive of women who actually live in these sorts of situations looking for a way out.

Keep showing yourself up.

He treats you like dirt OP. Your DC will learn his behaviour as their normal.
We're all kind to each other but hot headed like Dad, DM was sweet and gentle his personality overrode and influenced ours.
Personality traits come from learned behaviours, break the cycle.

The good thing is your working FT
So presumable financially Independant now
I’d do two things
(1) start planning , start to plan financially and emotionally for life a a single parent
(2) withdraw from the battle a bit and look after your own sanity - right now he’s at home
What could you do in free time to clear your head ? As I’d make a concerted effort
(3) talk to someone , either a trusted friend or a therapist , work things out a bit

Single parenthood isn’t easy but it means you have HOPE which is nigh on impossible when unhappily married

@Cotscats

What does he do? He'll make a sarcastic comment like "oh are you actually going to not be so lazy and put your things in the dishwasher today?" and he'll keep going with it, so 4 or 5 comments in the same vein, while the child gets increasingly upset. If they speak back, he'll shout, then the child starts crying or runs out of the room upset.

I've asked him not to do this countless times. I suggest he just nicely/politely asks the child to do the thing he'd like them to do, rather than always use sarcasm or making a derogatory comment. He always throws an insult in there instead of just asking them something.

The other thing he does is charge over them and not ask them what they want. Examples are, when he wants the children to stop what they're doing to go out/go to be/come to the dinner table, he'll just walk in, switch off the TV/take away their game - there's never any communication, ie: it's nearly bedtime, please cn you switch off the TV?

The kids might reply, can we just watch the last 5 minutes? Which I think is reasonable and then they're happy and there's no drama and big fall out.

That's horrible. And he won't take any kind of request to be more considerate/communicative?

I don't think I have read a thread where the marriage is so dead in the water op. He makes you and the children so miserable. Every route to your happiness is blocked - the house is in a state, the children are upset during time spent with him, he is uncommunicative, hostile and lazy. He has chosen not to help in the house and effectively blocked you challenging this. He does not want to help with the children and is horrible to them so you can never relax or get a break. The house is in a poor condition and there is no sign of him working on his "project". You are afraid to communicate this to him. What a sad existence.

I know you feel afraid of him having unsupervised access to the kids, but I feel he will not want to have them for any long periods because it doesn't work for him does it?

I don't understand why the house is solely in his name. You are married though, so it is a marital asset not just his.

I would take some legal advice this week. It may make you feel more confident in reaching a decision, but the alternative is living a miserable existence with a man you hate.

As a child of divorced parents, one who was never happy again, I am grateful they did divorce. You are teaching yours sons and daughters that a relationship involves silence and misery, don’t do that to them

I don't think you've got anything to lose (once you've your financial ducks in a row) by sitting him down one evening and telling him you aren't prepared to continue like this and have an appointment with a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. What's the worse he can do - get in a strop? Nothing new there and at least by telling him you will force yourself to face up to the situation and act. Make it clear, you are there for the children only and everything else is on him - I'd make it clear if he wants to leave life will be a lot easier but if not, his washing, cooking cleaning etc are on him.
I hope you can find the help and support you need and don't let your childhood experience colour your judgement as I don't know many (any?) people who say life post divorce was worse than life in a toxic environment with a bully for a father.

How do people manage to continue to live with someone while their divorce is progressing? I don't think he would leave the house.

It's hard as you essentially lead separate lives but under one roof. There will of course come a point when one of you moves out but please don't do that without first taking legal advice. And hard as it may be, life sounds pretty shit at the moment and at least you won't be responsible for his shit or have any expectations of him only to be disappointed again.