I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

[Cotscats]

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

You honestly need to get a divorce. You only have one life. And the kids only get one childhood. And that childhood is being blighted.
See a solicitor. If he's such a high earner, you will be able to afford two homes. Doesn't matter that the current house is only in his name because you're married.

Book a holiday by yourself - a long weekend where he just parents by himself and you totally chill out. Don’t ask him just tell him. Then book some relationship counselling. I don’t think breaking up is the answer yet. You’ve had so long with such poor communication, you deserve a platform to talk with him and get it all out in the open. Then end it afterwards if things don’t drastically improve.

@Summerfun54321

Book a holiday by yourself - a long weekend where he just parents by himself and you totally chill out. Don’t ask him just tell him. Then book some relationship counselling. I don’t think breaking up is the answer yet. You’ve had so long with such poor communication, you deserve a platform to talk with him and get it all out in the open. Then end it afterwards if things don’t drastically improve.

So you think the OP will leave the children with someone who has absolutely no time for them? How will she 'chill out' worrying what's going on at home?

And I can't think that there is any point in trying relationship counselling with someone so toxic.

Is start with relationship counselling. You can both go separately, they get a feel of both your issues then you can go into joint counselling.

Counselling is also useful if you decide to separate after you have had counselling, they can help you both navigate separating if that's what come out of relationship counselling

You need to leave him. Why is the house only in his name? Regardless, it’s a marital asset given you’re married.

You’re clearly unhappy, do you think that you can resolve this? If not,why wouldn’t you leave?

By your own admission your marriage is painful to be in. Equally, to leave will cause pain. Choose your pain.

Another perspective:

1. Go for communication counselling to unravel why you get so angry and why he is such a dick.This does not mean you or him stay in the relationship.
2. In counselling you can set ground rules for communicating or decide to split.
3. If you split you will probably be in need of some psychotherapy to help you deal with fallout from your history.
4. Bear in mind you will have brought your own elements of communication style to the relationship (thanks to your parents) and if you dont want to pass these on to your kids you might explore.

On none of the above am I suggesting you to stay in an abusive situation or that you should tolerate your husband. He may welcome the opportunity to leave anyway.

@Nanny0gg he’ll have to have the children by himself if they separate unless the OP wants full custody 🤷‍♀️. Counselling is a great way to be heard, the OP is very angry and has a lot of resentment after all these years of not being listened to. As another poster said, counselling can help navigate a breakup. I think this guy owes it to the OP to listen and she deserves to be heard, whatever the outcome in the end.

Do you have untreated depression Op?

You've come up with too many reasons to stay and not enough to leave. Do you think its healthy for your children to witness a bad marriage? My parents had a bad marriage. It was truly awful. It damaged it 2 out of 3 of us. Luckily I'm married to a man who knows what a happy marriage is as his parents and both grandparents happily married for many years. Youll damage them more if you stay.

I can understand about being there for your children and being able to monitor his and his families behaviour towards them but children are not stupid. They will know who is toxic towards them and will refuse to see them.
Especially your 12 year old who is coming up to an age to have some agency over how, when and if he sees his father if you divorce.

You are married with children and have been for some time so whether the house is in his name isn’t really an issue because it is part of the “marital pot”
Everything that you both own, business, pensions, cars, houses etc gets a value and then added up and divided 50/50.
At most you will do shared care so 50/50 childcare. So children will be with him 3.5 days per week.

If you choose to stay I would try and get some counselling as individuals and as a couple. I would explore why he feels the need to shout you down, leave everything up to you, not had sex in 8 years etc

At least then you have explored every route to trying to save your marriage. But if you do stay until the children are older and more able to look after themselves when in his custody the danger you have is being around him they learn to treat you how he treats you and that isn’t really something you want.

If you choose to stay then I can only give you a tip of how to argue with someone who shouts you down.
You are never going to out shout him so do the opposite.
The more booming his voice the quieter you get. He gets louder, you get quieter.
It is hard if all you want to do is scream in frustration but it is about keeping your emotions in check and stating what it is you want to get across.

He probably gets off on you screaming and crying so don’t feed his ego.

His lack of libido could be because he genuinely isn’t interested in sex
Or it could be because he is ill or his lifestyle, eating and or drinking habits inhibit his sex drive
Or he is getting sex from elsewhere. Either from another relationship or paying for it.

Whilst it might be a shock to you and your children if you divorced I think eventually you would all be a lot happier.

If you do get divorced I would shower the children in love and exciting little things when they are in your care. Let there be a complete difference between being with you and being with their father.
It won’t be forever and if their father and his family are toxic to them they can always at some point choose to not see them or see them on their own terms.

I don't know if I want to leave. I grew up with divorced parents and it was awful. Neither parent was happy after the divorce and I never got over the shame I felt that my parents weren't together.

It's sad that your parents couldn't be happy and it's sad that you felt ashamed of having divorced parents. But it isn't the job of your children to fix that, and you can't assume they would feel the same about divorce.

If we separated what do I think I would miss? Our home I suppose (we couldn't afford two homes). And feeling like a conventional family.

It's not the job of your children to provide your white picket fence.

Ask your children how they feel about being the proverbial kicked cat in your nominally intact family right now. Apologise to them and try really hard to do better.

It is up to you how happy you make your life after divorce. Divorce is not necessarily the route to unhappiness. Just because your parents couldn't find happiness doesn't mean you can't.

You are not protecting your children from this man by continuing to live with him.

Depending on their ages, they may have some say in the question of who they live with. Even if they're young now, they will eventually have a say.

So do better. Stop letting the situation get control over you. Start parenting with your better self, not the one your H brings out in you.

Do you honestly believe that the possible damage to your children would be worse if you divorced than the damage you are most definitely causing them by staying?

Why would you want them to think this is what they should aim for? That This is all they deserve?

Time to put your children first don't you think?

[quote Summerfun54321]@Nanny0gg he’ll have to have the children by himself if they separate unless the OP wants full custody 🤷‍♀️. Counselling is a great way to be heard, the OP is very angry and has a lot of resentment after all these years of not being listened to. As another poster said, counselling can help navigate a breakup. I think this guy owes it to the OP to listen and she deserves to be heard, whatever the outcome in the end.[/quote]
He doesn't have to if he doesn't want them. He's not much of a loving father, is he?

Neither of you are happy, stop pulling teeth and leave, for the sake of all involved.

Why doesn't he want better than this - why doesn't he do something to help make things better?

His family are toxic

You answered your own question, love. He doesn't know what a happy family is, or looks like, or how to achieve one. He's probably traumatised by and in denial about how badly his toxic childhood affected him.

Same goes for you. You've stuck with a loveless marriage because your experience that divorce sucks, so you don't want what you've got and you don't want the alternative, so for obvious reasons you feel completely stuck.

You have two options, really.

One, if you genuinely love your husband and want to try to fix your relationship, tell your husband you're very unhappy and you can see he's very unhappy, and all you really want is for both of you to be happy. Obviously neither of you can figure out how to get that in this relationship by yourselves, so you want to go to marriage counselling to see if an expert can help you fix it. Then go to marriage counselling to see if it can be fixed.

Two, if, when you think honestly about it, you realise don't genuinely love your husband but only feel like you 'should' OR if you do really love him but he refuses to go to marriage counselling, then tell your him you're leaving because this relationship isn't making you happy, get counselling on your own to learn how to repair your own issues (your husband treats you terribly but you have put up with terrible treatment for a long time, so it's clear you have self-esteem issues to deal with – I mean that kindly) and learn how to divorce and co-parent in the best possible way – it's entirely possible.

Believe in something better.

The state of this marriage is so much worse than divorce. Don't pretend you're doing your children a favour by staying together. Not only are you and your husband creating a tense and uncomfortable living situation, you're also using them as emotional punchbags. How is that better than divorce?

Honestly OP, I am a year down the line after ending it.My ex was just like yours and I became completely exhausted. He was the one with the anger problems though. End it for your sake and your children's. My parents divorced too and it was very bitter. The atmosphere at home now is calm, organised and relaxed. It is a world away from the years of stress I had. Even my dd said she was really looking forward to Christmas this year because the atmosphere is so much better than having her angry dad in the house.life is too short. Raise your barrister. Yours and the kids lives could be so much better. Anger and resentment will just fester and make you ill.

Raise your bar not barrister!

I think you know what you need to do. Start planning your escape

You'll end up like my neighbours. They argue and shout so loudly when their kids go to bed. Their kids and we (next door) can hear it. It's awful. Their kids hardly speak and walk around hunched over as if they have no confidence. You may think you're doing the right thing by staying together, bit you're not. Kids need to feel a positive environment. You're not creating that for them. They know you're angry and the room feels hostile. Best thing you can do is to separate. Two happy homes is better than one bad home.

Your husband has made it impossible for you to communicate in a reasonable and healthy way. He drowns you out, storms off, doesn’t speak, so you have no way of having your voice heard and needs met. He winds up your children (my ex did this to DD, who was not his biological child). Your own anger and frustration is coming out at the DC (maybe because subconsciously you know if it were not for them, you would be out the door? Is it fair for them to be in that position? But also because you don’t have anyone else to talk to or any way of dealing with the toxic and unfair situation)

You recognise by your own admission that you and the children are happier when he is not there. (I also realised this with my ex, who luckily did not live with me).

You have concerns about how you will afford two homes and don’t know how you will be able to leave. This is a question of information. Do you have time and can you afford to take initial advice from a solicitor? You are fortunate in so far as you do have an income and you will be entitled to your share of marital assets.

You also have concerns that it is worse for the children if you divorce. It will only be worse if you get into another abusive or unsuitable relationship (speaking from experience!). That was the thing which made being a single parent worse, not being divorced (but I had grown up with dysfunctional parents and actually I had and still have no idea what a healthy and functioning marriage is like). It is really highly unlikely that a man who does not do his fair share of parenting is suddenly going to want to parent half the week. But your DC will have to have contact with him and in fact, you don’t know what he will be like with them outside of this marriage. You need to deal with that once you are in that position. Their relationship with their dad will develop independently of you and you cannot predict what that will look like. So you are assuming the worst based on the toxic pressure cooker of your marriage (and yes there are good bits because otherwise you would not have married him, and he is of course not all bad, just slowly crushing your soul by his behaviours). But he won’t be parenting in your marriage, he will be doing it outside of that and you don’t know what that would look like.

I could have written everything you have, literally word for word. Disinterested husband, myself shouty around the children, the shame of my parents divorce.

That was two years ago. Thankfully he had an affair which was the push to divorce.

Omg, I cannot describe to you how much happier my dc and myself are now. I skip down the street, dance round the house, it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I feel the opposite of shame, I'm proud that I got myself and my children out of a miserable home life. I'm happy my girls know what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour from a husband/partnership.

Like you, my ex earns loads more than me, the mediators decided an (in both of our opinions at the time) crazily high spousal maintenance which means our family home is now solely in my name and he rents elsewhere. (We went 50/50 on assets but that was house equity for me/his pension for him).

It's a scary thought, but maybe start doing some research in to what could happen. Little steps.

Good luck.

You need to divorce. Do it for your kids sake