I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

[Cotscats]

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. It’s becoming unbearable. My parents also divorced when I was very young and I was adamant my children would have a ‘normal’ childhood (unlike mine). However, this situation is not ‘normal’ it’s absolutely awful and it’s affecting them (in a recent parents evening my dd’s teacher said she seemed to had lost a lot of confidence in herself). So it’s not only affecting me now, I have to think of them. I made long lists of pros and cons about him/me, staying/leaving and they were very one sided. I’ve looked up about what rights I have if we did separate. I only work part-time, we are not married but have been together over twenty years and thankfully have joint names on the mortgage. We have a nice house which I love BUT this is not healthy for any of us (I often think surely my partners not happy either) if we have to sell up then so be it, I’ve tried everything to make our home life a happy one, but we can’t carry on like this, we need to separate. Find out about your rights, think hard about what life would be like if you separated, you’ve said yourself the house is a much happier place when he’s not their. I’ve no doubt it’s going to be really bloody hard at first but surely anything’s better than it is right now?

[quote SomeFineDay]@thepeopleversuswork

I didn’t tell her she was being selfish, I think he’s behaving badly (from what we’ve heard which to be fair is one side) so calm down.[/quote]
What you actually said is that people justify leaving a marriage by saying its done with the children's best interests at heart (with the very clear implication that you think it's usually not).

That's a more convoluted and less honest way of saying you think anyone who divorces is selfish.

After you've read pages of commentary from people who wished their own parents had divorced earlier.

Let's call a spade a spade. And please don't tell me to calm down. I am perfectly capable of being calm and disagreeing with you: the two are not mutually exclusive.

How do people manage to continue to live with someone while their divorce is progressing? I don't think he would leave the house.
He doesn't sound like the type of man to live amicably while the divorce is in process.
I genuinely think it is a very dangerous time if he is volatile most days.
Could you leave, sell the home.

my husband was the child of divorced parents. He told me once that it was lovely once they had divorced because the anger and the shouting stopped

@Cotscats

How do people manage to continue to live with someone while their divorce is progressing? I don't think he would leave the house.

See what your solicitor says, you may be able to get him out.

Otherwise, stop being a 'family'. You cook for you and the children. No more family meals. Grey Rock him as much as possible and get the children out of the house at weekends.

@Cotscats

I don't think I really know what a happy marriage looks like.

It will be a lot easier to work out what a happy relationship might look like once you’re not firefighting day to day. You can regroup, work out what is important to you; what your values are. There is no shame in stopping something that is making everyone unhappy. In fact it’s brave and admirable. Your parents’ experience isn’t a blueprint for your life; my parents both came from horrendous childhoods but found stability in each other and gave me and my brother a secure childhood. I’ve been happily married (for the most part) for 21 years, my DB is on his third marriage - I mention it because the pattern of happy marriage hasn’t been clear in my family and my DM has concluded that there is a large dose of luck in remaining compatible. There is no merit in continuing with something for appearances sake. It sounds like it’s making everyone miserable.

@thepeopleversuswork

The people on these pages who are interested in commenting that divorce makes the children happier believe that either because they were the ones to want to divorce or from experience as children. However there are also a lot of people who don’t believe it from their own experience - I was only giving that alternate but equally real truth. People like that are also less likely to frequent Mumsnet pages on divorce.

I’ve never said divorce couldn’t be good for children or that whether it was good or bad could be ambiguous- It can be good for them. I’ve only said it can also be bad for them. And sometimes both at once.
If people really get upset hearing that and want to believe divorce must be mostly good for kids that is their own wishful thinking at play.

Soubds an awful situation.

How much longer are you going to be unhappy in this relationship?

How much more time are you going to let your kids think that this sort of relationship is normal?

My parents marriage was like this... I wish they parted... They didn't. My dad aggressively ignored my mum and us, for my entire childhood. It's a shit template for relationships.

Speak to a solicitor urgently. With the money between you, and you as the main parent... I'm sure you could live separately.... You would have a large claim on the house in this situation.

And move forward to a nice, happier life, without him actually in your home.

Don't let lack of knowledge of your likely future (legally) BLOCK your road to a happier life.

He is failing in every aspect of a relationship. He is harsh to you and the kids, he actively and regularly upsets you and the kids, he is sulky, lazy, manipulative and unsupportive.

I can't think of any reason why you'd stay with him.

Only thing I would say is be careful when you tell him to leave. Make sure you have a friend on standby to help you out if needed. Things can escalate pretty fast when men like this don't get what they want.

If people really get upset hearing that and want to believe divorce must be mostly good for kids that is their own wishful thinking at play.

Divorce versus the home life OP describes is likely to be beneficial for the kids. We can only go on what Op tells us when she describes the environment of the home If you think the environment her kids are living in is acceptable then you're frankly wrong. It's unacceptable, unhealthy and will be damaging them.

You can’t rationalise it as all couples argue, yes they have disagreements but they communicate and sort the problem. Not take it out on the children that is heartbreaking and damaging to them.
You are bringing the kids down with you if you stay. You don’t sound like you even like each other. All that matters is when kids are happy and I guarantee living in that atmosphere is never going to make them happy.
Sorry you are going through this but you know deep down what you need to do.

Op I was exactly where you are. A non-communicative dh with no sex life for over 10 years, and that I hated. Now we're separated a year and I'm a much calmer measured mother and my children are less anxious. It's not ideal to be separated, but I haven't been angry in a very very long time.

It can't have always been like this or you would have never had married and had children with him?

Have you contacted a solicitor?

He is asserting his right to treat everyone else as he pleases with no need to justify himself or consider their feelings. That's why he can just switch things off without any warning or communication, or throw in insults when making any kind of instruction or request. Because he has the right to treat you all as he likes, and what you feel or need doesn't come into it...even as basic courtesy or respect.

Is he the main breadwinner? That's often how it is justified, in their minds anyway.

It is a horrible environment for anyone to live in, not least young minds and personalities in their formative years.

Yes he's the main breadwinner by a very large margin.

His father is the same only more extreme. In his book, he is an improvement on his father and therefore doing a good job.

Sorry not able to read all posts but so sorry you and your children are enduring the life you describe. What does your H actually want - just to be cruel and vindictive to his family? Have you asked him? Perhaps he wants a divorce. You could actually lock him out of the house (change the locks) . Call the police if he gets violent (take proof of violence).

@Cotscats

What does he do? He'll make a sarcastic comment like "oh are you actually going to not be so lazy and put your things in the dishwasher today?" and he'll keep going with it, so 4 or 5 comments in the same vein, while the child gets increasingly upset. If they speak back, he'll shout, then the child starts crying or runs out of the room upset.

I've asked him not to do this countless times. I suggest he just nicely/politely asks the child to do the thing he'd like them to do, rather than always use sarcasm or making a derogatory comment. He always throws an insult in there instead of just asking them something.

The other thing he does is charge over them and not ask them what they want. Examples are, when he wants the children to stop what they're doing to go out/go to be/come to the dinner table, he'll just walk in, switch off the TV/take away their game - there's never any communication, ie: it's nearly bedtime, please cn you switch off the TV?

The kids might reply, can we just watch the last 5 minutes? Which I think is reasonable and then they're happy and there's no drama and big fall out.

This is textbook emotional abuse. Sarcasm, repeated unfair criticism, name calling ("lazy"), and frequent shouting.

I think what he wants is to continue as we are but without me ever kicking up a fuss about our non existent relationship.

He wants me to continue with all childcare and household responsibilities and admin, and just be left to live his life without anyone asking anything of him. He'd like to maintain the family man persona but without any effort on his part.

He doesn't ever suggest we spend time together or talk or resolve any conflicts. He doesn't plan for ours or the kids futures. If he does even think about it, he doesn't share that with me.

@Cotscats

His father is the same only more extreme. In his book, he is an improvement on his father and therefore doing a good job.

That's very often the way.

And I'd guess that any implication that he's at all like his father just results in extreme denial and anger. But a neutral request that he start treating people better isn't working either.

If he won't change, and people generally don't, this is it for you and your kids, unless you make changes instead.

Do the kids talk to you about how he makes them feel?

He wants me to continue with all childcare and household responsibilities and admin, and just be left to live his life without anyone asking anything of him. He'd like to maintain the family man persona but without any effort on his part.

I bet he does.

But what do you want?

I want to be with someone who likes me and who likes talking to me. Someone who wants to spend time with me. A partner who is my partner in the sense we make decisions together and they are actively involved.

I grew up with parents who hated each other. It took me 20 years to figure out what a decent relationship looked like.

Please don't put your children in this position.

Like so often on mn, you open the thread with an op that downplays the extent, talks of a hum-drum plodding along marriage, which does invite the odd poster to say 'carry on', then as posters delve deeper, emerges a deeply unpleasant, selfish, abusive, bully.
It happens so often, that I wonder if women trapped like this do it, sub-consciously, on purpose; because they can't bear a unanimous ltb response, and need the little steps.

You can leave him and have a happy life.

The first step you have already done, admitting the problem and wanting to make a change.

I feel like youre in an abusive relationship