I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

[Cotscats]

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

Well you can’t change him, but you can change you and I guess that’s what you’re looking for, right? That and a way to fill in the gap created from an unfulfilling marriage, so that you don’t feel alone/angry/frustrated.
I’d suggest counselling. Either for you alone, or for you both as a couple, if he’s willing.
I’d also recommend writing down lots of things. Keeping a diary of how you feel, to keep track of your mood. How you’d really like to be living your life, to get a sense of your goals. What you really want from a partner. It might help clear up any confusion and help you work out what action you want to take. You’re totally justified in feeling the way you do and wanting to be able to talk about it properly with your DH.

Well that's great.. You file for divorce then tell him you have done it.
I didn't even tell my dh. He just got a letter from my solicitor informing him I had filed.. Seriously op you only get one life.

@Cotscats

I know they know. Some weeks I am depressed and they see it. Other weeks my husband and I don't talk to each other for days on end.

He sulks if I try to talk to him and end up shouting because I'm so completely frustrated by him - he walks away from me whenever I try to talk. Every single time he walks away.

This is such a horrible example to set for your children. Please don't let them live this misery.

@Cotscats

That sounds horrendous you'd be better off as a single parent doing it on your own he sounds about as much use as a chocolate teapot

I thought I had wrote this post. Absolutely uncanny. Going through the exact same set up but it simply isn't as easy to leave as people are suggesting

I could have wrote this myself! No words of advice but I know exactly how you feel!

I don't think I really know what a happy marriage looks like.

Your children are growing up in a horrible tense and unhappy home.

You say your husband is rude and mean to them.

You admit you take out your frustrations on them.

How can you possibly think that staying together under the same roof is in their best interests?

If you're really honest with yourself, and us, I think you're scared of the process of breaking up rather than genuinely thinking it's best for the kids that you stay together.

Your best case scenario is that they grow up in a home with two parents who have a cold, affection free, steely dynamic without genuine warmth, mutual support, affection etc.

I don't buy that you think that's better for the children than their parents splitting up.

I know that's probably hard to hear and feels like an attack but I really believe it.

I was furious when my parents split up when I was 18. Not because they split, but because they stayed together until the second I left the family home having made me grow up in a tense, shouty house for years leaving me with no healthy expectations for relationships... then claimed they did so 'for me'. I felt simultaneously guilty and angry.

Years of therapy and shitty relationships throughout my 20s, only being in the headspace and having healthy relationships from around aged 30.

Don't do that to your kids.

I rationalise. All couples/parents argue.

@Cotscats

I don't think I really know what a happy marriage looks like.

But your children will think that your marriage dynamic is healthy and normal if they grow up witnessing it.

This is how cycles begin.

@noshiforever

I thought I had wrote this post. Absolutely uncanny. Going through the exact same set up but it simply isn't as easy to leave as people are suggesting

I'm sorry I understand it's not easy to leave. But don't give up because it's hard/ complicated

These men bring NOTHING to your happiness. They may bring financial stability and a family unit. But that is not worth it!

You are selling your LIFE for their convenience.

You are their PA/maid.
There is no love
They openly have contempt for you

You do everything anyway so do it without them! There is financial and legal help out there.

Please don't use your kids as an excuse they are growing up with a toxic relationship for a role model.

Show them your strength and tenacity to make it through the hard times alone. You don't need them.

Seriously, you get ONE life, you are turning into someone you don't recognise or like.

Leave for you, be happier and the rest will sort its self out. You're no role model to your children in this relationship

If you separated, what do you think you'll miss?

Whose life would get easier and whose would get harder?

@Cotscats

I am trying not to rely on him but my resentment builds up. He is sarcastic and upsets the kids. When he's at work during the week we have a nice time, there's no bad atmosphere. When he's around at the week ends he's always arguing with the kids and I feel angry that he's upsetting the happy place we were in all week.

That tells you all you need to know about leaving

What's the financial position?

@Cotscats

I rationalise. All couples/parents argue.

Not all children grow up with a father who is rude and mean to them and a mum who says "I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be."

I'm saying this to be honest and give some tough love, not to be a dick. All parents / couples disagree. My partner has never called me a name, ignored me to punish me, lost his temper with me or made me feel shit about myself. Those things should be expectations, not exceptions to the rule. They are expectations you should want your kids to have for their own relationships. They will expect to be shouted at, have slanging matches, have a partner lose their temper, be called names etc if they grow up in this environment. They'll likely take their frustrations out on their kids as that's what they will think is normal and acceptable.

Don't make that your legacy.

Hey OP, I just want to let you know that you are not alone with the worst part of the situation, namely that tension b/w you and your husband affects your interactions with your kids negatively. I have this problem too.

My dilemma is very different in other regards - I don't think separation is the solution because we fight mostly over childcare issues that we would still share if separated, and he is very involved with the kids.

I think in an odd, perhaps sad, way lowering expectations of the dp helps. And just telling yourself that you want him out of your head - trying to switch off that running negative commentary that he provides in the imagination.

Somehow things have got somewhat better for us. Here's hoping they will for you. But it's also important to listen to doubts and be ready to revise decisions.

I’m so sorry, OP It really does sound like you and the DC would be so much happier if you split up. Life is just too short and there honestly is no shame in divorce these days.

It's a very unhealthy dynamic. His refusal to discuss is passive aggressive and it's a forrm of control.

I would recommend reading some books such as Why does he do that (you can often find a free version online) and Patricia Evans, the Verbally abusive relationship.

It's important you don't react to him by being angry as that's what he wants. The children must be witnessing this so they will be learning unhealthy ways to resolve conflicts .

I keep thinking I'll find a way to be happier then it will be ok. I'll get my act together, get my optimism back. Counselling is an option but it would be me arranging it of course. He would happily carry on like this and that's the thing I can't understand. Why doesn't he want better than this - why doesn't he do something to help make things better?

Arguments in an otherwise reasonably happy, peaceful home are normal. Living enveloped in a cloud of hatred and resentment and stonewalling as your norm is not, and you are absolutely modelling a blueprint for your children's future relationships. My mum should have left my dad for many of the behaviours you describe, it damaged our relationship irreparably and we see each other infrequently now.

You need to reframe this. Why don't you want better than this for your children badly enough you leave someone who is horrible to them and you, and who you blame for taking adult frustrations out on your children? I can't express strongly enough how toxic this environment is for them, in both the long and short term. Home should be their sanctuary, not a shouty / tense place where both adults are making them feel anxious and annoying.

But you're not happy now. So why do you think you'll be unhappy after you get rid of the thing making you unhappy?

I had divorced parents, and we were fine. Both our parents loved us and my DM more than made up for DDad not being around all the time. She wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing she did model for me was the fact that you don't have to put up with a shit situation if you don't want to.

Just because your parents had an unhappy divorce experience, doesn't mean that you and your kids would do necessarily.

My parents split when I was 10. I felt no shame. Once I got used to the idea i was glad they split because it was obvious they were making each other unhappy. They both went on to have a better life with other people.

Everyone is different.

Would your want your DC to be in a marriage like this? Well they will if you stay together. Either this or worse. You are their template.
Leave

@Cotscats

I keep thinking I'll find a way to be happier then it will be ok. I'll get my act together, get my optimism back. Counselling is an option but it would be me arranging it of course. He would happily carry on like this and that's the thing I can't understand. Why doesn't he want better than this - why doesn't he do something to help make things better?

Do counselling for you alone.

@Cotscats

I am trying not to rely on him but my resentment builds up. He is sarcastic and upsets the kids. When he's at work during the week we have a nice time, there's no bad atmosphere. When he's around at the week ends he's always arguing with the kids and I feel angry that he's upsetting the happy place we were in all week.

You simply can’t subject your children to this just so you can avoid a self-imposed sense of ‘shame’.

There’s no shame in leaving a toxic marriage. There IS shame in subjecting your children to his behaviour and the bitter, poisonous environment that you and your husband have created.