I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

[Cotscats]

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

@Cotscats

I am trying not to rely on him but my resentment builds up. He is sarcastic and upsets the kids. When he's at work during the week we have a nice time, there's no bad atmosphere. When he's around at the week ends he's always arguing with the kids and I feel angry that he's upsetting the happy place we were in all week.

So why wouldn't you and the kids be happy once your divorced then. You've got to find it in yourself to tell him you want out for your children's sake. What are they learning from this relationship it's toxic and will affect their future relationships if you stay

I understand how frightening the prospect of divorce is, OP, I have been there.

But you have a non functioning marriage with a man who treats you with contempt.

I think for your children’s sake as well as your own you have to extricate yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a disaster. As others have said, they may be praying inside that you will do it.

One thing I would say is not to project your feelings of shame about your own parents. Things are very different now and your children will know plenty of peers whose parents are divorced. I split up from my first husband and felt really horrible. A good friend told me of her visits to a school friend whose parents loathed each other and the atmosphere in the house seethed. Her own mother had been divorced and remarried but-as my friend said-at least she was in a proper marriage when she was married not some zombie relationship. Write down your options, what compromises each one would involve and the actions you need to take. See if one looks preferable. If there is no hope of rekindling your relationship, other options are surely preferable to the life you and your children are living now. Best wishes.

Leave. Your taking your anger out on your kids, I think that's worse than getting divorced don't you? He's a pig and he deserves to be on his own and you deserve a shot at happiness op.

He's stone walling you and he's abdicated out of his life. It's hard to be married to someone who isn't your partner and refuses to do any heavy lifting with you. You seem to be saying there's two yous the one when he's away and the ones when he's home. With you parenting defensively. This will leave a marked difference on the children and his control over the household with his moods.
It's ok to be scared and muddled about things surviving in this atmosphere numbs your executive functions you literally can't think straight because you are surviving. That's why you need to leave it's the sunken cost fallacy, the boiling frog, you are now no longer the best judge because that's the nuance of abuse. You'll see it when you get free. Please seek advice from women's aid, local DV charities just so that you can start putting your thoughts together. There are some secret apps you can use on your phone to start making a log of things that are happening this is very important and will help you get your thoughts clear.

@SomeFineDay
'Justification for ones own wants'
Is that not allowed then? Do women have to just suck it up and be miserable then, as soon as they become mothers? Like our mothers before us, truly miserable.
I disagree entirely.
I love that I'm showing my dc, especially as they're girls, that women count too.

Divorce is not the huge taboo it used to be. Your kids will have lots of friends whose parents are not together. There is absolutely no reason for it to be a source of shame for them OR for you.

Ask yourself if you really want to live the rest of your life like this. Obviously change is scary, but your kids are getting a terrible lesson on how marriage works. It’s better to teach them that if someone treats you badly, you leave.

I'm sorry to disturb your narrative @SomeFineDay, but it isn't fantasy for me, it's reality for my girls and myself.

It's also the reality for every single divorced mum I know. In our forties now, with children at secondary, there is a growing band of free women bouncing down the street, with children thriving at school, happy at home.

For sure, the family with mum and dad happy together is the ideal. But, we're not talking about that here. The op has described miserable parents. That's what we're comparing to here.

I'm also intrigued where you get your information from - you use 'often' and 'most kids' to fit your point, but can you let me know your source? Anecdotally, that isn't my experience whatsoever.

Time to woman up and separate. There is nothing good about this marriage, and living together is making the whole family unhappy.

Loads of kids I grew up with had parents separate or divorce- it can be a little upsetting at first (although several of us were actually happy as the home environment was so unpleasant when they were together) but everyone turned out fine.

[quote SomeFineDay]@arethereanyleftatall

No obviously they don’t have to suck it up - but this fantasy that happy Mum leaving dad will equal happy kids is pure fantasy from the one leaving.
It may be better for the kids - it may be worse for them and often is.
I also doubt most parents who divorce really know how their kids feel about it as they don’t tell them and the parent divorcing is happy to believe that they’re better off.[/quote]
I wish my parents had divorced. I'd be so much happier and mentally healthier.

Yes, I think some posters here have a point, there is a myth that if you get divorced the kids will be happy. They may not be and that is something to be thought through-is the marriage bad enough to risk that? My first marriage failed and I still feel regret and sometimes wish I could go back and fantasise about doing things differently. However, there is also the risk of fetishising childhood and that everything must be perfect and that a marriage breaking down is the worst possible thing. That’s not true either. I do know that my son’s behaviour improved at school and with his peers when we split up. Then we did everything we could do make things civilised and relaxed around the children. They’re now lovely young adults but would they have been happier as children if we’d stayed together? It’s hard to say-we we’re lucky enough financially which was a big burden off. But being a single mother was very lonely at times with no one at home to share child rearing. Then again, they didn’t have to listen to endless rows and suffer bad atmospheres. I’m lucky they really like their step dad and also have a good relationship with their dad. Only you can know op-maybe it’s worth having counselling to help you go forward.

[quote SomeFineDay]@BrilliantBetty

In spite of most mumsnet “wisdom” (which is mostly given by Women who imagine themselves in place of the woman leaving) - most children are in fact hurt by their parents divorce and for many it has lasting negative effects. To say otherwise is to bury ones head in the sand.[/quote]
So you're just dismissing the experiences shared by posters including me of living in households where our parents were unhappy, tense etc and how it affected us deeply. Growing up in an unhappy home is hugely damaging. It has lifelong consequences especially when it comes to the child's adult relationship.

@Cotscats

I don't know if I want to leave. I grew up with divorced parents and it was awful. Neither parent was happy after the divorce and I never got over the shame I felt that my parents weren't together.

For the right now I want to find a way to co exist and be happier around my kids. How can I just emotionally detach from him. I don't want to feel so frustrated around him, I want to pretend he's not there. I'm so much worse at the week ends when we have to spend time together.

Well practical suggestions would be

Pay for support to cover his non contributions or you risk burnout and illness in fact the snapping at the children suggests you may be burnt out now

Cleaner, child minder to do school run at time that suit you better

Book a fun activity for you and this children as a priority every weekend eg Swimming , local attraction membership, tennis lessons
What ever but something fun and out of the house.
Saturday nights are for delivered pizza out the box in front of the tv

Pay kids pocket money to manage the recycling and washing up/ dishwasher/putting away clothes

Thank you for all the information, support, views. He is not here today and I feel happier, brighter. This week I want to unravel my thoughts a little more. The app for logging things sounds interesting @freeingNora. Do you have any names?

To answer some questions, yes I always intended to return to work full time (I worked part time while having children/before they started school). It's not been an easy adjustment because 100% of the responsibilities around house and kids falls to me and there are not enough hours in the day to do everything.

When he's lying in front of the TV at the kids bedtime whilst I'm trying to put away laundry, read with the kids, make sure everyone's organised for the next day, I feel resentful and then go to bed feeling angry which is horrible.

On the week ends I hate his presence - he has usually would one of the kids up or just not listened to them so that they feel frustrated and cry by 9am Saturday morning.

There's a pattern where it's guaranteed that if I leave a room, within 5 minutes he will have upset one of the children. I have to be present all of the time when he's there if that makes sense? It's impossible of course and when I leave a room and then there's an incident, I feel so angry and frustrated.

I'm looking for a counsellor this morning, for me. And I'm thinking about the future.