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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

237 replies

Cotscats · 14/11/2021 21:44

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 23:24

@Cotscats

Our house is solely in his name as is the mortgage. We are married with 3 children.

So half of it's yours.

There is also financial help out there, plus he would have to pay towards the children.

Embracelife · 14/11/2021 23:25

@Cotscats

Another reason I stay is to be present and have some control over his access to the kids. If we divorce, he will have them without me around and he is not always very nice to them. His family are toxic and they will also have more unrestricted access if we divorce. As things are now I can make sure I'm present when they see the kids.

Right so the place where they live is full of horrible toxic people That mummy allows to visit Mummy is by default allowing this ...they don't get that you think you protecting by being there And sets no boundaries Home is not a nice place It doesn't matter that mum is there It s associated with nasty toxic people mummy let's them in

But ..imagine.....mummy s house is lovely peace full haven
Here the dc can be who they are and feel safe and escape back to
Even if they had to have visits with dad

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/11/2021 23:26

Sorry but you need to get a divorce. I can't imagine he will want to see the kids 50/50.

Silverchamber · 14/11/2021 23:26

Honestly, leave him before you both utterly despise each other therefore making coparenting impossible. I speak from experience.

Embracelife · 14/11/2021 23:27

And if you feel genuine evidence of him being nasty and harmful you can report that aNd posdibly reduce contact

me4real · 14/11/2021 23:27

My life was bliss in comprison after my mum left my stroppy dad. She was also finally able to be her real self for us, a caring rather than cold person. Sadly she didn't do it until I was about 18.

SexyNeckbeard · 14/11/2021 23:27

If we divorce, he will have them without me around and he is not always very nice to them

By your own admission, neither are you.

Your poor kids - they deserve so much better than this

gelatodipistacchio · 14/11/2021 23:29

OP, the way that you are living is really not ok.

Do you truly believe that you can magically make yourself be happy with and tolerant of a man who appears to be entirely self serving?

HarrisonStickle · 14/11/2021 23:31

@Cotscats

I am trying not to rely on him but my resentment builds up. He is sarcastic and upsets the kids. When he's at work during the week we have a nice time, there's no bad atmosphere. When he's around at the week ends he's always arguing with the kids and I feel angry that he's upsetting the happy place we were in all week.

Why on earth do you want your children growing up with this?

R2G · 14/11/2021 23:32

Ask him to leave, divorce him, concentrate on being a lovely mum and having a happy home life with them. And yes I've been there. Your only regret will be wondering why you didn't do it years ago. Do it tomorrow!

Original poster

Cotscats · 14/11/2021 23:34

I'm not always angry around them. I've been like that for about half of the day today and it feels awful. I'm honestly not angry around them all the time - but I am beginning to notice that when I am in that space where I am being short with them, it's always linked to something my husband has just done. For example, we'll be eating a family meal and he'll start winding up or digging at one of the children, and our child will feel upset and that makes me feel so cross - I'm cross it's so out of my control that he's just caused a horrible atmosphere at home again - that I start feeling uptight and anxious and being short tempered with the kids myself. Am I actually angry with myself for letting it happen, for allowing him to continue to do this?

OP posts:

R2G · 14/11/2021 23:35

And he will likely not do very much with them, my ex moved miles away and it took me several years to realise but the less contact the better. Just get on with it

Double3xposure · 14/11/2021 23:37

@Cotscats

I keep thinking I'll find a way to be happier then it will be ok. I'll get my act together, get my optimism back. Counselling is an option but it would be me arranging it of course. He would happily carry on like this and that's the thing I can't understand. Why doesn't he want better than this - why doesn't he do something to help make things better?

He won’t change because he likes it like this. Better for you said not teh same as better for him.

Right now , you do nearly all the housework / wifework / childcare - that suits him.

He doesn't have sex with you because he prefers wanking to porn. He doenst care about your needs.

He shouts at the children because he CBA with them and so they don’t bother him so much.

He has, as you put it, these perfect strategies to deal with any of your concerns - either shout over you , stonewall or walk out.

He likes his life the way it is - you doing all the work and him being in control.

If you left he would have to do his own housework and it would cost him more money. Plus he would have to do a small amount of parenting his own children. And he wouldn’t get that feeling he gets from controlling you the way he does right now.

He’s an abusive husband and a shit father. Please leave him and make a new life for you and your children.

HarrisonStickle · 14/11/2021 23:38

@Cotscats

I know they know. Some weeks I am depressed and they see it. Other weeks my husband and I don't talk to each other for days on end.

He sulks if I try to talk to him and end up shouting because I'm so completely frustrated by him - he walks away from me whenever I try to talk. Every single time he walks away.

This is an appalling environment for your kids! It will be damaging them every single day.

Stay and you continue to train them in believing this is what marriage is like.

Almostmenopausal · 14/11/2021 23:38

@Cotscats

I don't know if I want to leave. I grew up with divorced parents and it was awful. Neither parent was happy after the divorce and I never got over the shame I felt that my parents weren't together.

For the right now I want to find a way to co exist and be happier around my kids. How can I just emotionally detach from him. I don't want to feel so frustrated around him, I want to pretend he's not there. I'm so much worse at the week ends when we have to spend time together.

WTF???? So you'd rather your kids grow up around this???????

I'm sorry to say this but I was in your kids position and I'll NEVER EVER EVER forgive my mum for not leaving. Never. My childhood was thoroughly miserable..... Your children would be better off in care that listening to what you describe

Branleuse · 14/11/2021 23:39

Be brave and dump him. None of you are happy here. Youre living a stressful half life and yet neither of the two adults will make the decision. Life doesnt have to be shit.

SeniorSchoolShuffle · 14/11/2021 23:39

Get yourself some therapy OP. You've got a lot to unpick there. Then come at from a place of strength. It does sound like your marriage will end so I'd get copies of absolutely everything you can that has to do with his salary and finances.

Are the kids in private schools?

SexyNeckbeard · 14/11/2021 23:40

As far as the effect on your children goes, it doesn't matter why you are the way you are. Whether you can pin the blame on your husband later or not, you are choosing to behave the way you do, and you need to do something about it.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 14/11/2021 23:42

@Cotscats

I also need to talk through things to cope *@Wombat49*. And he won't talk. It's a recipe for disaster. Talking to a counsellor would help fill that gap.

But it won’t help fill the gap, really, because the counsellor isn’t the person you need to hear what you have to say. You can use counselling to vent your anger and frustration, but it won’t - can’t - change your husband, because he still won’t be hearing you.

You need to stop thinking that if you change something about yourself, all this will come right somehow, and instead focus on the fact that HE is the one who needs to change. Your anger and frustration are symptoms of this situation in which you are living, and not the cause.

HarrisonStickle · 14/11/2021 23:44

@Cotscats

So instead of them seeing their unpleasant father and his family away from home then returning to a calm, happy place with their mother, you're making them live in a house where their father isn't nice to them and his family are toxic, and you're staying there and watching it happen and doing nothing.

Which scenario do you think will be doing the most damage to your children?

Almostmenopausal · 14/11/2021 23:44

I would say to any mother who chooses to put her toxic husband before her children - at least have somebody else care for the children. Don't put them through this anymore, please.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 14/11/2021 23:45

You and your husband are single handedly destroying your DCs lives. They can't even eat dinner without Dad picking on them, then Mum having a go at them. You need to get a serious grip OP and stop simpering around couple counselling, co existing and smaller houses. Ffs, so selfish

Mamanyt · 14/11/2021 23:47

@Cotscats

I don't know if I want to leave. I grew up with divorced parents and it was awful. Neither parent was happy after the divorce and I never got over the shame I felt that my parents weren't together.

The only thing worse than being from a broken home is growing up in a broken home.

You have two viable ways to go here. You can set up couples couseling for the two of you, and INSIST that he goes. You may be able to sort through this and salvage a workable marriage. Or you can take steps to end the relationship.

I promise you, there is no way to pretend well enough to fool your children. They know something is wrong, they know it now, and they are finding ways to blame themselves for it. That's what kids do. Please don't put your kids in this position.

HarrisonStickle · 14/11/2021 23:51

@Cotscats

I don't know if I want to leave. I grew up with divorced parents and it was awful. Neither parent was happy after the divorce and I never got over the shame I felt that my parents weren't together.

You want your children to grow up in a house where their mother has emotionally detached from their father in order to cope with living there?

And you don't see how psychologically damaging this will be for your children? They will grow up with the firm belief that living with a toxic spouse and detaching themselves mentally is the way to live.

That is so, so cruel! And all because you don't want a divorce because of shame and your parents unhappiness. Your poor children.

Branleuse · 14/11/2021 23:51

My parents divorced and it was fine. It all depends how its handled.

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