AIBU to be fuming for DH leaving 11 yo dd alone

[Myotherface]

So I had planned to go and meet a friend for half a day. I do something like this 1-2 times a year so not exactly a lot. DH, his sister and mum decided to take the kids for a swim whilst I'd be away. Win win. Except that 11yo DD got unwell with temp and a cough. Covid pcr plus lateral flow negative so no problem with that but obviously not fit to go swimming. I offered to cancel my plans so rest of the kids could still go swimming with cousins. DH said I should be able to go as my plans had been made weeks ago unlike the last minute swimming plan. He said he'd sort it. So off I went.

I then came back 6 hours later to hear that DH, his mum and sister, 2 DS.s and their cousin had gone swimming and had left the 11 yo DD alone at grandparents house whilst they were out. Apparently she had felt much better once they got to grandparents house. She had asked to go swimming with the rest of them and when told no had suggested she'd stay behind on her own. She had said she'd felt bad that the rest of them were missing out because of her and told them she'd be fine. She said she had watched a film and only got scared once when the doorbell rang. She had hidden behind the sofa and had thought someone had come to kidnap her. She had been scared and tried calling granddad who had gone for a bike ride (bike ride more important than DD). Granddad didn't pick up but later texted to reassure her that the caller was a nice neighbour. She said after that she was fine again.

The swimming pool is an hour away. I was an hour and a half away. Granddad was miles away on his bike. Dd had only been left with mine and DH.s numbers. I was not told she was left alone. If something would have happened it would have taken us an hour to get back.

AIBU to be fuming?!!! DH is upset because I calmly stated that I wouldn't have gone to meet a friend had I known that poorly DD was going to be left alone. He thinks it's extremely hurtful for me to question his judgement around this. I can't believe I'm being made out to be the bad guy for saying I think he made a bad decision and I think leaving dd alone for the first time should have been a joint decision.

I think he is right.

An 11 year old should be able to be left somewhere familiar for a few hours. She had your number she had her dads number. She was fine, dealt with the 'scare' reasonably appropriately.

Don't be surprised if now she's had a taste of independence she wants to do it more often.. what age were you thinking of letting her be on her own for a few hours?

I don’t think leaving an 11 year old alone is bad, per se. However it doesn’t sound like she’s used to it (scared of kidnappers at the door) and an hour is a long way away to get back if she had had a problem. Plus presumably her dad was uncontactable when in the pool? I don’t think it was appropriate in this situation.

It should have been a joint decision and it does sound an odd thing to do when she feels unwell, but there is nothing wrong with leaving an 11yo by themselves. It does sound very odd that she was hiding behind the sofa thinking people are going to kidnap her - where would she get that idea? I would expect most families would have left an 11 yo many times on a sliding scale, so it’s not too overwhelming the first time. 11yos are in far greater “danger” when they are out and about by themselves that when we leave them at home alone and we aren’t going to start walking them to school again or stop them going out with their friends are we? I’d say 11 is a classic age for getting your own key to the door and being more independent, so I’d be working toward that so she doesn’t feel so scared on her own - that’s the bit that stands out to me.

Why would an 11 year old think someone was coming to kidnap her when the doorbell rang?

I leave my 11 year old. He happily plays his games he has my number. I wouldn’t be fuming she was fine. Maybe build how long you leave her

Typed a long reply. Lost it.

Awaiting drip feet but a “ feeling better “ neurotypical 11yr old needs to develop the skills to be home alone for a few hours - he made a perfectly ok call and you need to start loosening the strings and giving her the skills do she doesn’t think someone ringing them doorbell would be a kidnap ! She just needs to know not to answer the door and that the door is securely locked ( but she knows how ti unpack if she needs to )

Won't she be in secondary school soon?
She sounds rather anxious.
What exactly were your concerns?

I think this was a joint decision to make and as you said you were happy he should have gone with that.

She clearly got freaked out and it was an awfully long time

It’s not clear how long she was left alone but it sounds like a good few hours?

I think leaving an 11 y/o alone for a number of hours is something that there should have been a build up to, starting with leaving her for 30 minutes or so while you’re nearby. And not while the child is unwell.

The problem for me was mainly the fact that she was unwell and dh knew I was unhappy about leaving her alone when unwell.

An 11 year old thought someone ringing the door bell was people trying to kidnapper? Why would you daughter think that? I leave my nearly 11 year old for an hour or two on the odd occasion and he just plays on PS4 or phone. Having no one nearby I wouldn't like but I think you are exaggerating.

YANBU, it's not so much the leaving (although I only leave my 12 year old for short periods like to pop to the corner shop) but that the nearest adult was over an hour away and that one of the two numbers she had to call wouldn't answer because you can't take a phone into a pool
Your husband was irresponsible and i would also be angry.

There’s nothing wrong with leaving an 11 year old at home for a couple of hours but it should have been a mutual decision and she should have been prepared properly so she wasn’t scared.

only got scared once when the doorbell rang. She had hidden behind the sofa and had thought someone had come to kidnap her

Why on earth would she think that?

I think you need to encourage her to be more independent to be honest. She should be perfectly fine in a secure, family home. Not 'hiding behind the sofa' because 'someone' knocked on the door. The postman?

@Nicknacky

Why would an 11 year old think someone was coming to kidnap her when the doorbell rang?

And why would a kidnapper ring the doorbell?

An 11 year can be on their own for a few hours.
However I would assume it would be after a discussion of ‘we’re going out for an hour, these are the rules’ not just we’re off swimming see you later.

But I set fire to the house when I was 11 and on my own so for me personally I wouldn’t leave my own child at that age incase they’re stupid like me.

This wasn’t a good first time to leave her. I’d also be a bit annoyed.

But she wasn't terribly ill. She was well enough to want to go swimming. I think probably they should have told a neighbour (perhaps the nice one) that she was on her own just to give her a bit of reassurance.

But she was feeling better by the time she got to her grandparents’ house - well enough to want to go swimming - so he wasn’t leaving a poorly child alone.

I voted yanbu but actually I'm not 100% sure what happened, because it doesn't sound like your dh left her alone it sounds like he left her with her grandad and then her grandad left her to go on a bike ride. In which case it isn't really your husbands fault. I do agree in principle though that even if 11 is old enough for some children to be left it isn't appropriate for every child and the "first time" should be a joint decision with more planning and thought put into what happens if there's a problem.

I would be as mad with the dgp who went bike riding. Wasn't a pre planned event like the swimming..
At 11 I never left mine.

I think it's fine to leave an 11 year old for a short while.

But in this case it sounds as though she hasn't been left before? It hadn't been agreed between you. Her parents were both quite far away and uncontactable.

On that basis yanbu.

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child. She has been into town with friends a couple of times on her own and has been alone at home for around 40 minutes when I've been to the shops. I'm not 100% sure she actually thought she was going to be kidnapped. She has a bit of a problem with adding quite a lot of dramatic turns to stories and I'm guessing this is one of those occasions.

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

She'd said she was feeling better, and at 11 you should have been preparing her for being left alone. So yes your DH was unreasonable for going somewhere uncontactable and not discussing with you first but you are both also UR for not preparing her sooner. Chalk this one up to experience and start with regular short sessions to build her confidence. Kids need.life skills.

That level of anxiety over someone ringing a doorbell really isn't usual in an 11 year old op, unless there's about to be a drip feed. I happily leave my 11 year old alone for a few hours.