AIBU to be fuming for DH leaving 11 yo dd alone

[Myotherface]

So I had planned to go and meet a friend for half a day. I do something like this 1-2 times a year so not exactly a lot. DH, his sister and mum decided to take the kids for a swim whilst I'd be away. Win win. Except that 11yo DD got unwell with temp and a cough. Covid pcr plus lateral flow negative so no problem with that but obviously not fit to go swimming. I offered to cancel my plans so rest of the kids could still go swimming with cousins. DH said I should be able to go as my plans had been made weeks ago unlike the last minute swimming plan. He said he'd sort it. So off I went.

I then came back 6 hours later to hear that DH, his mum and sister, 2 DS.s and their cousin had gone swimming and had left the 11 yo DD alone at grandparents house whilst they were out. Apparently she had felt much better once they got to grandparents house. She had asked to go swimming with the rest of them and when told no had suggested she'd stay behind on her own. She had said she'd felt bad that the rest of them were missing out because of her and told them she'd be fine. She said she had watched a film and only got scared once when the doorbell rang. She had hidden behind the sofa and had thought someone had come to kidnap her. She had been scared and tried calling granddad who had gone for a bike ride (bike ride more important than DD). Granddad didn't pick up but later texted to reassure her that the caller was a nice neighbour. She said after that she was fine again.

The swimming pool is an hour away. I was an hour and a half away. Granddad was miles away on his bike. Dd had only been left with mine and DH.s numbers. I was not told she was left alone. If something would have happened it would have taken us an hour to get back.

AIBU to be fuming?!!! DH is upset because I calmly stated that I wouldn't have gone to meet a friend had I known that poorly DD was going to be left alone. He thinks it's extremely hurtful for me to question his judgement around this. I can't believe I'm being made out to be the bad guy for saying I think he made a bad decision and I think leaving dd alone for the first time should have been a joint decision.

People saying that the 11 year old overreacted.... My ten and a half year old would be the same.
She has anxiety, according to CAHMS.
She won't be left in the car while I nip into a shop. I can just about take the dog to have a wee on the field a few houses along.
She panics about everything.
I can understand why the OP is cross.

11 year old at secondary school is perfectly fine to be left alone for a few hours.

The issue now is that your husband treats your daughter different to her brothers.

Of course it's ok to leave an 11 year old alone for a few hours! Wtf is wrong with people these days that basically a high schooler needs a babysitter! I'd be more worried about her reaction, hiding behind a sofa because the doorbell rang? That's not normal! She seems to have severe developmental and psychological problems. Probably because of being babied. I would get some help for her, I'd be very worried about her, her behaviour is very concerning.

I think an 11yo can be left on their own for a few hours.
I also agree with you that it would have been better if that has been a joint decision AND something planned ahaead rather than dumped on your dd.

However, I think you have bigger problems with your DH tbh. His attitude towards girls is atrocious and not helpful at all in the context of your illness etc…
Seeing his attitude tI illness and girls (women?) how I she taking on you having some MH issues?

Yanbu. There were 4 adults and 4 children, if I counted correctly. There was no reason or excuse to leave her alone. One of those 4 adults should have prioritised her.

At 11, I would not leave a child for more than an hour if it was not necessary to do so. And it wasn't necessary in this case.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband would not have left either of our 11 year olds alone at home.

@Myotherface

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child. She has been into town with friends a couple of times on her own and has been alone at home for around 40 minutes when I've been to the shops. I'm not 100% sure she actually thought she was going to be kidnapped. She has a bit of a problem with adding quite a lot of dramatic turns to stories and I'm guessing this is one of those occasions.

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child.

All evidence to the contrary! An independent and confident child is able to sleep on her own and is able to be alone for a few hours (at that age she should be able to get herself to and from school and start on making dinner when she gets home from school) alone. I am sorry about how her father treats her (and why haven't you spoken to him about it and given him an ultimatum to change?) but she sounds very disturbed imo and needs help. I don't say this to be mean or judgemental - please believe me. I say this because she truly does need help. At 11 years old she shouldn't be afraid to sleep alone or answer the doorbell. She's in high school, she should be independent and confident, neither of which she is. Please, please get her some help.

dear OP, as often occurs here, the issue is revealed to be different from first presented.
why do you allow your husband to treat your daughter differently.
no wonder she acts up/ has anxiety issues.
this is a much bigger issue.
and who does she sleep with if he is never alone.
are the sons younger.
i can't imagine a father behaving like this, esp nowadays.
i could understand more if he was over-protective to your daughter.
could it be some kind of referred hostility to you, to females, for being ill, having psychological problems, esp when he wasn't allowed to be.
i think you need family therapy.
good luck.

@billy1966

Is your husband her father?

Why is he allowed to be so harsh with her.

It sounds like she is coping with a lot.

11 is still very young IMO.

This.

Tbh I’d worry much more about her having to live in the same house with that man, than two hours alone.

My DDs are both adults now, and I'm a single parent, no way would I have left them alone at that age, far too young.

Eleven is still Primary School age here in Scotland, and I would be fuming too OP if I had left them with a family member (which almost never happened) and they were left alone at that age. YANBU

@icedcoffees

Why are you married to a man who treats your DD so harshly compared to your DS's?

I've asked this question of myself for years and years. The answer is a complex mixture of "I'm a coward" and "I'm not sure what to do". I've told DH for years that I'd like a divorce.. He then let hell loose.. Cries and howls uncontrollably in the garage and walks around the house like someone is dying and begs me not to leave him. He says he'd rather kill himself than not be with the kids every day. He says the kids would be messed up from the divorce. And I'm not brave enough to go for it and see whether he's right. Our family life is generally fairly settled apart from his occasional outbursts and my bouts of depression. I had these episodes of severe depression before I met him so not sure if my marriage is to blame or not. I don't feel anything towards him but am so terrified of kids' being distressed from the divorce that I don't dare to leave. He also once asks me how I could leave dd with him without me present post divorce. I sometimes do feel like I almost want to be there to make sure he is not too hard on her. He is in therapy and has started seeing his harshness and preferential treatment. He has changed a lot but not enough. I doubt I'll ever love him or even have respect for him as a person. I also know I'm no better and am failing my children for not divorcing him or managing to make him stop. I would end my life if I knew it wouldn't be disastrous for the children.

People seem to always assume these things are so simple. They aren't. We tried couples counselling. I was hoping the therapist would realise we would need to split up and would help us work towards that. The therapist told me she didn't understand why I didn't leave and said she wouldn't be able to help us as I chose to stay in a marriage that clearly had no hope. My therapist is working with me to enable me to leave. I'm not sure I can see anything ever changing. Maybe the kids have lives ahead of them as depressed as I am. If they do me and dh are 100% to blame for it. I would do the right thing if I knew what it was.

11 is normally fine to be left alone for a few hours.

However, I don't like the sound of your DH's attitude towards your DD. That is awful. You need to tackle that and think on it. He may need a kick up the arse.

I was ready to say you are unreasonable, because 11 years olds are ok to be left alone for a while, like popping to the shops, or to give a lift to someone. But.... poorly! No way! He should have stayed with her. Or if he was the only one driving, then the grandfather or grandmother. It is not reasonable for your DH to go swimming! And on top of that 1 hour away!
If he had popped to the swimming pool 15 minutes away to drop the rest of them, and then get back, no issue with me. But such a distance, on a busy day of the year, including Parades and road closures, to be gone for hours, with no way to be contacted ( at least he was swimming with his waterproof phone!), and not even the GF could postpone his time out. I would not be happy.

Wow. Massive massive drip feeds here, and a lot to unpack. Vast majority of 11 year olds should be mature enough to be left alone for a few hours-doesn’t sound like yours is, is she’s unable to sleep alone even. Especially with the lying/exaggerating. I hope she’s able to access the support she needs, OP.

Don’t listen to other posters OP- so many on threads like this seem to think it’s fine to leave a 3 year old to foster independence (exaggeration but you get my drift)
Due to covid by 12 year old hasn’t had nearly the chances to be left as she might have done. Both parents working from home means that there is always someone here!
When I do leave her it’s only if I am very local. I wouldn’t like to be more than 15 mins away at most.
Also how mean to leave her alone at home when she said she was well enough to go and all the others are going off to have fun. I think that’s horrible.

I think it’s fine.
I mean it depends how ill she was.. a cold? That’s fine. Severe flu feeling with meningitis potential..obvs not. It doesn’t sound like she was very ill tbh, an hour or so watching tv in a familiar place is perfectly normal, even for an 11 year old who is feeling a bit under the weather.

Ffs what was grandad thinking going on a bike ride and leaving a poorly child home alone.

If my DD11 was feeling well I’d leave her for an hour or two But they sound they they were gone for at least three hours and not within an easy return if there was a problem. Really stupid when she wasn’t used to it.

Oh God Myotherface that is so complex and I can totally see why with the history of preferential treatment for her siblings that you are concerned about your DD in this context whereas I might have been a bit blasé without the back story. You have a lot to contend with. I suspect you are right about your DDs anxiety being rooted in the uncertainties she has faced but as your quite rightly point out sometimes life is like a muddy field and none of us can come out clean from the messiness. We simply are not in control of all of the pieces of the puzzle and that is the messy reality.

Mind yourself and mind your kids that is the best you can in this. You deserve better.

The problem isn't an 11-year-old being left home alone. As other posters have noted, most 11-year-olds are perfectly capable of being left home alone. At that age, I got myself home from school on the bus, walked 10 minutes along a country lane and let myself into an empty house.

Your DH's behaviour is not normal. He plays favourites with the kids and treats the daughter badly, she's afraid to sleep alone. At 11?! Making up illnesses to get attention and love because he doesn't give her any? In all honesty, the scenario described in your OP is the least of your problems.

@Muttly

Oh God Myotherface that is so complex and I can totally see why with the history of preferential treatment for her siblings that you are concerned about your DD in this context whereas I might have been a bit blasé without the back story. You have a lot to contend with. I suspect you are right about your DDs anxiety being rooted in the uncertainties she has faced but as your quite rightly point out sometimes life is like a muddy field and none of us can come out clean from the messiness. We simply are not in control of all of the pieces of the puzzle and that is the messy reality.

Mind yourself and mind your kids that is the best you can in this. You deserve better.

Mind yourself and mind your kids that is the best you can in this. You deserve better.

Yes. Wishing you strength, and peace.

YANBU - I would leave an 11yr old BUT she hasn’t much experience with being left, she wasn’t at home, she was ill, it was totally unnecessary (any of the FOUR adults could have stayed), it must have been at least 2.5 hours so not a quick pop to a shop.

@Silverswirl

Don’t listen to other posters OP- so many on threads like this seem to think it’s fine to leave a 3 year old to foster independence (exaggeration but you get my drift) Due to covid by 12 year old hasn’t had nearly the chances to be left as she might have done. Both parents working from home means that there is always someone here! When I do leave her it’s only if I am very local. I wouldn’t like to be more than 15 mins away at most. Also how mean to leave her alone at home when she said she was well enough to go and all the others are going off to have fun. I think that’s horrible.

It IS fine to leave secondary age children alone. When do you plan to let your daughter grow up and gain some independence and confidence, exactly? I remember first year at university it was so easy to spot the mollycoddled kids. They either broke down in tears, couldn't cope and had to go home every weekend or went completely off the rails drinking and partying.

OP, 11 years old unable to sleep on her own is a big issue! I have never heard of it, and I come from a family of co-sleepers!
The whole idea of co-sleeping is to ease them into it, really gently, so they do not develop night terrors or anxiety around bed time, no monsters under the bed, no lights on needed and so on. Have you always slept with her or you started late, in response to her bed time anxiety?

And I’m so sorry for all the hard things going on. Just keep swimming and trust your judgement.

So you’ve left her on her own before but are cross that dh left her at grandads who then left her on her own?