AIBU to be fuming for DH leaving 11 yo dd alone

[Myotherface]

So I had planned to go and meet a friend for half a day. I do something like this 1-2 times a year so not exactly a lot. DH, his sister and mum decided to take the kids for a swim whilst I'd be away. Win win. Except that 11yo DD got unwell with temp and a cough. Covid pcr plus lateral flow negative so no problem with that but obviously not fit to go swimming. I offered to cancel my plans so rest of the kids could still go swimming with cousins. DH said I should be able to go as my plans had been made weeks ago unlike the last minute swimming plan. He said he'd sort it. So off I went.

I then came back 6 hours later to hear that DH, his mum and sister, 2 DS.s and their cousin had gone swimming and had left the 11 yo DD alone at grandparents house whilst they were out. Apparently she had felt much better once they got to grandparents house. She had asked to go swimming with the rest of them and when told no had suggested she'd stay behind on her own. She had said she'd felt bad that the rest of them were missing out because of her and told them she'd be fine. She said she had watched a film and only got scared once when the doorbell rang. She had hidden behind the sofa and had thought someone had come to kidnap her. She had been scared and tried calling granddad who had gone for a bike ride (bike ride more important than DD). Granddad didn't pick up but later texted to reassure her that the caller was a nice neighbour. She said after that she was fine again.

The swimming pool is an hour away. I was an hour and a half away. Granddad was miles away on his bike. Dd had only been left with mine and DH.s numbers. I was not told she was left alone. If something would have happened it would have taken us an hour to get back.

AIBU to be fuming?!!! DH is upset because I calmly stated that I wouldn't have gone to meet a friend had I known that poorly DD was going to be left alone. He thinks it's extremely hurtful for me to question his judgement around this. I can't believe I'm being made out to be the bad guy for saying I think he made a bad decision and I think leaving dd alone for the first time should have been a joint decision.

Perhaps she only said she was feeling better because she was uneasy at being left alone.

OP said daughter wanted them still to go/didn't want them all to miss it because of her - it was her suggestion!

It was fine, she was fine. And she's clearly not very confident and independent if being left at a grandparents' house with a cold phased her to this extent.

In my mind she was either well enough to go swimming or not well enough to be left by herself, especially without being able in contact an adult.
Especially when she is not used to being left yet.

@Myotherface I'm with you. In fact I wouldn't be leaving any child alone until 13 personally. In my personal opinion, they need those two years of high school to mature a bit.

It was totally different when we were kids! Also, when I was left home alone at 12, I burnt the house down!!!!!

See nothing wrong in leaving an 11 year old for a few hours unless special needs.

I'd be fuming. That's a decision that you should have both made.

Your time line isn't adding up. Anyway, all children are different, some are fine to leave some aren't, no point comparing our kids to yours. If you think she's not ready then that's fine, you need to chat with your dh about when is OK. Out of my 5 kids 2 couldn't be left till much later, the other 3 were well able. Some people think kids can't be left alone when they are perfectly capable, one of my brothers ate me for leaving a 15 year old for 6 hours alone at home. Now he has kids he often leaves his 10 year old. Opinions change when you have kids and when you see what they are capable of.

At 11 I would have been home looking after my 5yr sister ,my 11yr granddaughter is quite often left on her own

You offered to stay, he sai he would sort it.

He sorted it by leaving a sick child alone.

Very poor judgment.

I wouldn't be impressed.

The vast majority of 11 year old's would have been just fine but is sounds like your daughter has some anxiety.

Maybe if she was at her own house she would have felt more comfortable, but because she was at grandparents she was more anxious.

She was hardly at deaths door, she had a cough and bit of a temperature. I agree with her dad here.

An 11 year old with no additional needs should be mature enough to handle a few hours alone in a familiar house and honestly, her reaction to the doorbell was ridiculous. Why would she think someone ringing the doorbell was coming to kidnap her?

Is this the first time she's been left alone? If so, I think you can consider it a success. Giving them a bit of independence is good for them at this age and they don't need to be looked after as such when ill.

Obviously if she was vomiting or extremely unwell she would need someone with her but in this case I don't think he was being unreasonable.

Yabu to be cross with her dad if her dgf was the one who actually left her.

Swimming, over an hour away probably wasn't the wisest event to have left her alone for the first time just because her dad wasn't instantly contactable, but its done now, if she is at secondary school she probably should be able to be left now, so build up to it a bit more.

I was definitely left alone once a week for two hours when I was in year six because my parents both went to the supermarket together. I think it’s fine op!

[quote Almostmenopausal]@Myotherface I'm with you. In fact I wouldn't be leaving any child alone until 13 personally. In my personal opinion, they need those two years of high school to mature a bit.

It was totally different when we were kids! Also, when I was left home alone at 12, I burnt the house down!!!!! [/quote]
So what would you do with your 11-12 year old after school while you worked?

There's no after school care!

I don't see a problem with this either - 11yo in secondary school, minor illness, happy to stay behind, 2 hours, phone.

You left her with her dad so it was his call. It sounds like a changing situation, and he made the appropriate decisions imo. She was left with her grandad, who then did go out for a bike ride - with his phone - since dd seemed well enough to do so.

I don't think your opinion counts for more than that of the other parent, other adults present, grandad, dd herself. Perhaps dh didn't ring to discuss it with you because he just felt confident it was a perfectly acceptable decision.

I have an 11-year-old. There is absolutely no problem leaving an 11-year-old home alone for a few hours. You're totally OTT!

11-year-olds travel to school on the own by public transport all over the country. You're wayyyy over protective

11 years old?
In secondary school?
Not actually that ill?
For only 2 hours?

YABVVVVU.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Maybe there isn't a right or wrong answer to this one. It was helpful to post here to see lots of different opinions.

To those who picked up some inconsistencies (not quite sure what they were).. I'm quite surprised by the hostile tone in those messages. Why be unkind to a stranger online? I hope you are kinder towards yourselves and your loved ones..

The swimmers left at the same time as granddad left for his bike ride. Grandad had said he was only going to go for a short ride but everyone in the family knows that still means 2-3 hours. Granddad had been gone for 2 hours and was back before the swimmers. DH had thought granddad would have been back sooner although don't quite believe this.. He knows his dad's bike rides as well as I do.

Perhaps this is also connected with mine and dh.s long term differences around how illness is viewed and treated. Dh was never off school with illness. He thinks vomiting or temp of over 38 is an acceptable reason for missing school. Otherwise kids should go to school however unwell they feel. An unwell child at home will only get fussed over if the unwell child is a boy. In case of DD it's tough love. I was allowed to be off school when I felt too unwell to go. No questions asked. I was rarely off as I loved school. When unwell at home I got fussed over. I'd like to treat my children with compassion and teach them to be compassionate towards themselves. We do have to keep working through mild colds but it's also important to learn how to rest and look after ourselves when needed.

A lot of people picked up on the anxiety of DD. I'm not sure if the anxiety of kidnappers was real or not. We are a complex family. Dh gives boys preferential treatment and treats DD harshly. I have recurrent depression, have been hospitalised with it an am currently unwell. Kids have had to live with my illness and fear another admission despite us regularly talking about things openly and reassuring them on an age appropriate way. DD has a problem with lying and regular made up illnesses. This is her way of seeking care. I not quite sure why as she gets lots of love and attention from me. Not as much from dh. DD has never slept alone at night. She still gets hysterical whenever we attempt this. Only some of the anxiety is genuine, some of it an attempt to control us. We're not a united front and I don't want to let her sit up for hours on a school night, which is what she does when asked to sleep by herself. We've asked for help for this but been always dismissed. Separate issue but connected to the anxiety.

To those judgemental.. Perhaps it makes you feel better about yourselves. It does little to help parents with perhaps poorer coping or parenting skills from yours.

I voted YANBU as I think 3 hours (you said the pool was an hour away, so 1 hr there, 1 hour for swimming then 1 hr to travel home), not in her own home and with no adult able to get to her in under an hour was just too much for a child who is unused to being left alone. I happily left my DC when they were 11 but only for a short time and I/DH could have got home to them within 15 mins.

Additionally, I don't think it was right that your DH made this decision without consulting you. As this was a relatively new situation and with the added complication that your DD had been feeling ill, then you absolutely should have been asked for your opinion and you should have then made the decision together.

Sounds to me she’s added a lot of drama to the story as she was narked about the swimming and is trying to get people into trouble.

@Almostmenopausal What was different when we were kids?

I leave my 11 year old son, primary 7. For a few hours occasionally. He’s happy playing his Xbox. He has his phone. I tell him not to touch the oven/ cooker or answer the door. He’s fine.

Is your husband her father?

Why is he allowed to be so harsh with her.

It sounds like she is coping with a lot.

11 is still very young IMO.

Why are you married to a man who treats your DD so harshly compared to your DS's?