Page 2 | AIBU to be fuming for DH leaving 11 yo dd alone

Myotherface · 2021-11-14T19:45:37+00:00

So I had planned to go and meet a friend for half a day. I do something like this 1-2 times a year so not exactly a lot. DH, his sister and mum decided to take the kids for a swim whilst I'd be away. Win win. Except that 11yo DD got unwell with temp and a cough. Covid pcr plus lateral flow negative so no problem with that but obviously not fit to go swimming. I offered to cancel my plans so rest of the kids could still go swimming with cousins. DH said I should be able to go as my plans had been made weeks ago unlike the last minute swimming plan. He said he'd sort it. So off I went. I then came back 6 hours later to hear that DH, his mum and sister, 2 DS.s and their cousin had gone swimming and had left the 11 yo DD alone at grandparents house whilst they were out. Apparently she had felt much better once they got to grandparents house. She had asked to go swimming with the rest of them and when told no had suggested she'd stay behind on her own. She had said she'd felt bad that the rest of them were missing out because of her and told them she'd be fine. She said she had watched a film and only got scared once when the doorbell rang. She had hidden behind the sofa and had thought someone had come to kidnap her. She had been scared and tried calling granddad who had gone for a bike ride (bike ride more important than DD). Granddad didn't pick up but later texted to reassure her that the caller was a nice neighbour. She said after that she was fine again. The swimming pool is an hour away. I was an hour and a half away. Granddad was miles away on his bike. Dd had only been left with mine and DH.s numbers. I was not told she was left alone. If something would have happened it would have taken us an hour to get back. AIBU to be fuming?!!! DH is upset because I calmly stated that I wouldn't have gone to meet a friend had I known that poorly DD was going to be left alone. He thinks it's extremely hurtful for me to question his judgement around this. I can't believe I'm being made out to be the bad guy for saying I think he made a bad decision and I think leaving dd alone for the first time should have been a joint decision.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/11/2021 20:02

It was shit judgement....

For several reasons...

She'd be recently ill.... She could have become worse.

Everyone was too far away.

She clearly hasn't developed skills for being alone for hew hours

NellieBertram · 14/11/2021 20:03

11yo is fine to be left but maybe you & your DH should have built up to it!
Though was it 2-3 hours or 6?

She should have had a contact number for someone local though - how far away was grandad?

Harlequin1088 · 14/11/2021 20:03

@ShinyMe My thoughts exactly. Unless they happen to be the world's most polite kidnapper, I rather think ringing the doorbell first would ruin the somewhat necessary element of surprise required for a successful kidnapping.

OP, your daughter sounds very anxious. Why would she immediately leap to the conclusion that she was going to be kidnapped? If that's the first thing that springs to mind, then yes your husband was definitely unreasonable by leaving her alone as she's clearly not ready for that.

KangSaeByeok · 14/11/2021 20:03

Ah cross post.

She still doesn't sound too Ill though if she actually wanted to go swimming.

NellieBertram · 14/11/2021 20:04

@Myotherface

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child. She has been into town with friends a couple of times on her own and has been alone at home for around 40 minutes when I've been to the shops. I'm not 100% sure she actually thought she was going to be kidnapped. She has a bit of a problem with adding quite a lot of dramatic turns to stories and I'm guessing this is one of those occasions.

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

He shouldn't have done it behind your back but a slightly poorly Year 7 child can definitely be left at home for a couple of hours.

TicTacHoh · 14/11/2021 20:04

Thinking someone was coming to kidnap her is worrying. Has she picked up on your anxiety? LAn 11 year old should be able to handle a little independence, especially if they are off to secondary shortly

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2021 20:07

She's being a drama llama.

DH should have discussed it.

Granddad's a bit of a twat for biking rather than staying home.

Everyone should have made sure there was at least one person at the end of a phone.

Peace43 · 14/11/2021 20:09

It’s not leaving an 11 year old. It’s leaving a poorly 11 year old, not in their own home without a good back up plan. Dad driving or in a pool (no phones in the pool). Grandad out for multiple hours who knows where…. I think a bit more control needed for the first time being left. However the fact that DD was sick is my BiG issues with this. I leave my 10 year old home alone under controlled circumstances but wouldn’t dream of doing it when she was ill.

WonderfulYou · 14/11/2021 20:09

In normal circumstances an 11 is fine to be left but I wouldn’t have left my child if they felt unwell incase they got worse.

Whereismumhiding3 · 14/11/2021 20:09

Leaving an 11 year old secondary school child alone for a couple hours isn't bad. Lots of secondary school children are on their own at home after school for a couple hours, until working parents return at 5.30/6pm, usually with someone they can call on if they need help .

But, she was ill. I don't like my children being home alone when they are sick, as things can turn quickly. Sometimes it's necessary, you have to risk assess but grandad didn't have to go for a bike ride at same time as swimming.

So I would be a bit annoyed at DH (& DGPs ) for leaving DD alone at home in this situation. She clearly felt nervous about it and no one was nearby or contactable.

Biscuitsneeded · 14/11/2021 20:10

I'm afraid mine had to be poorly at home alone all day at that age because I teach and can't really take time off. I understand you're annoyed because you weren't consulted but really, a secondary school aged child SHOULD be able to be left home alone for two hours, and you will make her lack confidence if you suggest that she is in some way unable to cope with that. Independence, confidence and resilience are so lacking in kids currently (post-pandemic perhaps, as they couldn't have much freedom from parents?). Just praise your daughter for coping well and move on.

Nearthelooplease · 14/11/2021 20:10

@Myotherface

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child. She has been into town with friends a couple of times on her own and has been alone at home for around 40 minutes when I've been to the shops. I'm not 100% sure she actually thought she was going to be kidnapped. She has a bit of a problem with adding quite a lot of dramatic turns to stories and I'm guessing this is one of those occasions.

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

I should hope she didn’t actually think she was going to be kidnapped if she’s generally mature enough to go into town alone or with friends. It’s not really a proportionate reaction to someone knocking on the door is it?

I think it’s generally fine to leave a mildly unwell Yr7 at home alone for a few hours but if you’d specifically said you weren’t happy with it then I can see why you’re annoyed. Surely the issue is more with her grandfather though, if he was supposed to be at home with her?

NCsobroke · 14/11/2021 20:11

I would also be annoyed. A) she was unwell B) she sounds young for her age if she’s panics at the doorbell C) her adults all out of contact and over an hour away D) this should’ve been a joint decision if it’s the first time?

I have just now started to leave my 10 and a half year old for short periods of time, always with prior notice, ground rules and close enough that I can be home in 10 mins and always contactable if she needs me if there is an issue. I’ll gradually extend the time etc so that we’re both comfortable.

icedcoffees · 14/11/2021 20:11

I really don't see the problem.

When I was off school sick at that age, I would be left alone all day with my parents ringing at lunchtime and trying to get home early if possible.

IreneSmith · 14/11/2021 20:12

@Myotherface

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child. She has been into town with friends a couple of times on her own and has been alone at home for around 40 minutes when I've been to the shops. I'm not 100% sure she actually thought she was going to be kidnapped. She has a bit of a problem with adding quite a lot of dramatic turns to stories and I'm guessing this is one of those occasions.

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

She had a cold/flu, she is 11, and she was left alone for 2 hours....

Thats absolutely normal/fine. At that age, if she cant be left alone for 2 hours, I would be worried.

Tbh, it sounds like your husband knew how you would react and did what was necessary.

Needspace21 · 14/11/2021 20:14

Wasnt in grand dad at fault here. Couldn't he stay at home with her and do a bike ride later? YANBU

Dishwashersaurous · 14/11/2021 20:14

But she was feeling better?

How long was she actually alone for?

You say two hours but then say the pool is an hour away?

liveforsummer · 14/11/2021 20:17

11 year olds should be able to stay in a familiar house and not hide/panic when a normal occurrence such as a door bell happens unless there's a drip feed and dd has ASN.

SammyScrounge · 14/11/2021 20:17

I don't think 11 is old enough to be left alone for any length of time. If the knock at the door had been a nasty, she didn't stand a chance. And the family were all too far away to reach her in time.
I would have been as furious as you, OP

Pumpkinsonparade · 14/11/2021 20:19

Until he was recently 13 my ds would never be left him alone as he was irrationally worried someone would break in.

liveforsummer · 14/11/2021 20:22

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

My 11 year old spend 4 days alone the other week when she was unwell and couldn't go to school. I wasn't able to take the time off work. She was absolutely fine if a little bored.

pastabest · 14/11/2021 20:25

@Myotherface

DD is in secondary school and a very independent and confident child. She has been into town with friends a couple of times on her own and has been alone at home for around 40 minutes when I've been to the shops. I'm not 100% sure she actually thought she was going to be kidnapped. She has a bit of a problem with adding quite a lot of dramatic turns to stories and I'm guessing this is one of those occasions.

The problem for me was leaving a child who has not yet been alone loads on her own for 2 hours when she had temperature and wasn't feeling well. Also with doing something behind my back he knew I wouldn't be happy about.

You said in your original post that the swimming pool was an hour away (so two hours travelling at least plus any time spent at the pool?)

But in this one you say she was only left for two hours total.

and let's not mention the other contradiction in your OP about who's phone numbers she had access to

I'm guessing grandad wasn't actually that far away, had his phone on him and was the agreed contact for DD (and was contactable even if he didn't pick up first time).

You are just cross that DH made a (perfectly fine) decision without consulting you, lost your shit and are now trying to get other people on the internet to agree that he's a bad parent.

SammyScrounge · 14/11/2021 20:26

[quote Harlequin1088]@ShinyMe My thoughts exactly. Unless they happen to be the world's most polite kidnapper, I rather think ringing the doorbell first would ruin the somewhat necessary element of surprise required for a successful kidnapping.

OP, your daughter sounds very anxious. Why would she immediately leap to the conclusion that she was going to be kidnapped? If that's the first thing that springs to mind, then yes your husband was definitely unreasonable by leaving her alone as she's clearly not ready for that.[/quote]
Perhaps she only said she was feeling better because she was uneasy at being left alone.

Comeonmommy · 14/11/2021 20:27

At the beginning you say leaving her should have been a joint decision but then say you've left her to go shopping....or do you mean each time they are left alone you both have to agree to it?

icedcoffees · 14/11/2021 20:27

@SammyScrounge

I don't think 11 is old enough to be left alone for any length of time. If the knock at the door had been a nasty, she didn't stand a chance. And the family were all too far away to reach her in time. I would have been as furious as you, OP

11 year olds up and down the country leave home (alone), walk to school (alone or with friends) and do the same in reverse, letting themselves into an empty house until their parents get in from work.

At 11 she is old enough to know not to answer the door.