No set bedrooms?

[SouthernFashionista]

In a court case that is currently ongoing there was mention of a situation where individuals in a house had no set bed or bedroom and everyone just slept ‘wherever’. The thoughts of it bothered me. I think every child needs their own space. I know it’s clearly symptomatic of a chaotic household and lifestyle. Is this something many of you have come across? AIBU for being shocked?

@GinPin2

I have only had my own room for 3 years - at 18-21 when I went to Teacher Training College. Then I got married ! I am now 64 and for 61 years of those 64 I have shared a bedroom !!! Private house too except for first 3 years of marriage which was a council house.

This thread isn't about own rooms at all

After a false report was put in, I had to show Social Services that mine had their own bedroom and bed.

I don't see how it shows chaos or neglect? As one of four kids I never had my own space and although we did have our own beds be often swapped or piled in together. As an adult when I left home I had a partner so didn't have my own space. now I have my own kids I have no space no 'personal sanctuary' the kids again have their own beds (sharing two to a room boys vs girls) but generally if they get comfy or fall asleep together I'd hardly say they were neglected. Some families just run different. You aren't unreasonable to be shocked I suppose if that's not your narrative then it's going to be suprising. Also culturally it's not uncommon to have sleeping and rooms as communal spaces. So no yanbu to be shocked but are pretty unreasonable to assume it's a symptom of a chaotic household and lifestyle

@MammaMacgill87

I don't see how it shows chaos or neglect? As one of four kids I never had my own space and although we did have our own beds be often swapped or piled in together. As an adult when I left home I had a partner so didn't have my own space. now I have my own kids I have no space no 'personal sanctuary' the kids again have their own beds (sharing two to a room boys vs girls) but generally if they get comfy or fall asleep together I'd hardly say they were neglected. Some families just run different. You aren't unreasonable to be shocked I suppose if that's not your narrative then it's going to be suprising. Also culturally it's not uncommon to have sleeping and rooms as communal spaces. So no yanbu to be shocked but are pretty unreasonable to assume it's a symptom of a chaotic household and lifestyle

It forms a bigger picture.

Plus you DID have your own space. 'Own space' doesn't equal own room. It means a place you keep your things - your own drawer, shelf or cupboard. A place you know contains your things. Your own space is having a bed you know you won't find another in against your will, or won't be turfed out of in favour of another, won't be forced to share with someone you are uncomfortable with etc.

@MammaMacgill87

I don't see how it shows chaos or neglect? As one of four kids I never had my own space and although we did have our own beds be often swapped or piled in together. As an adult when I left home I had a partner so didn't have my own space. now I have my own kids I have no space no 'personal sanctuary' the kids again have their own beds (sharing two to a room boys vs girls) but generally if they get comfy or fall asleep together I'd hardly say they were neglected. Some families just run different. You aren't unreasonable to be shocked I suppose if that's not your narrative then it's going to be suprising. Also culturally it's not uncommon to have sleeping and rooms as communal spaces. So no yanbu to be shocked but are pretty unreasonable to assume it's a symptom of a chaotic household and lifestyle

the kids again have their own beds So, not remotely like the scenario op was talking about. Amazing how many posters posted stuff like this; what don't you understand, exactly?

My child sleeps in 3 different beds each night

I think some people are wilfully misunderstanding the op. Either that or they seriously don’t have any understanding of the situation some children live in.

We were poor when I was a child in the 1950s . I had my own bed and bedroom ( my two brothers had to share ) but didn't have nightwear or enough blankets for my bed . In winter when there was ice inside my windows, I had to put my dads overcoat over my bedding to try to get warm . The only source of heat we had was the coal fire in the living room but very often my mother couldn't afford enough coal to keep it going and it was usually only lit for an hour or two each night . This was quite normal in those days and we weren't neglected by any means , just poor

@LowlandLucky

Why does every child need their own space ? Millions of families throughout the world live in one room. Many families are homeless and don't even have one room. Don't know where this claptrap comes from but it is so ridiculous.

It isn't a race to the bottom. I dont think 'cultural norm' is an excuse or thst it makes things any better.

That court case is ongoing (if it's the same one I know about) the bed situation is only a teeny part of it. In a secure happy home, this wouldn't be a huge thing, but coupled with abuse and neglect, then yes it is.

@LowlandLucky

Why does every child need their own space ? Millions of families throughout the world live in one room. Many families are homeless and don't even have one room. Don't know where this claptrap comes from but it is so ridiculous.

A family living in one room is shit . Just because something is widespread doesn't mean it's a good thing or normal. It's crap that so many families are in that situation, largely not by choice.

@PurpleIndigoViolet

I think the lack of a bed/own space could be a useful marker when investigating whether children are being neglected. So something useful within a wider picture, that taken into account culture, SEN etc

I remember a horrible case I read about a few years back, where some children died in a house fire at night. The article mentioned the fact that the young children (toddlers & primary aged) didn’t have pyjamas - just underwear or normal day clothes - and for some reason that’s really stuck in my head as a real mark of neglect. Imagine not caring or bothering whether your kids are suitably dressed for bedtime? I imagine in some cases the lack of a bed could similarly raise a red flag.

My kids have PJs but don’t wear them.

@TurnUpTurnip do you have space for 2 beds, even bunk beds in your room?

Neither of my DDs wear pyjamas or nighties, they have an inherited aversion (from me!).

Yeah, the pyjama thing is totally different, loads of kids just refuse to wear them.

Yeah pjs are too hot!

This featured on a documentary I saw years ago about child protection cases. Child didn't have not only a room, even a shared room, but didn't have a bed. Was left to just roam around until they fell asleep and then was left to just sleep on the floor where they had lain down. Social workers got the parents an IKEA bed and asked the parents to make the bed up. Next visit, bed is still in the box. Child also didn't get food made for them, just got a packet of crisps thrown at them when they said they were hungry. Child was removed.

My dc share a bedroom. They change which bedroom they share according to their fancy (there are 5 bedrooms available to them).

Sometimes they choose to sleep in the mezzanine above the living room, they say they like the wood stove.

I have asked them whether they want their own rooms and they asked me why on earth they would want that. I told them many dc their age spend a lot of time in their rooms (mine only ever go there to sleep) and they said it must be because they don’t have enough living areas available to them.

I think the whole “own space’ thing has a lot to do with not having a lot of space overall, which given property prices in the UK is fairly common there.

@CatherinedeBourgh

My dc share a bedroom. They change which bedroom they share according to their fancy (there are 5 bedrooms available to them).

Sometimes they choose to sleep in the mezzanine above the living room, they say they like the wood stove.

I have asked them whether they want their own rooms and they asked me why on earth they would want that. I told them many dc their age spend a lot of time in their rooms (mine only ever go there to sleep) and they said it must be because they don’t have enough living areas available to them.

I think the whole “own space’ thing has a lot to do with not having a lot of space overall, which given property prices in the UK is fairly common there.

🙄.

Yes every child needs their own bed and space. Whether they share a room or not is besides the point. They need to know where they can go and be safe and relaxed. That sounds chaotic. Imagine not knowing which family member was going to sleep next to you and in which room. I'd be so stressed out.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Yeah, the pyjama thing is totally different, loads of kids just refuse to wear them.

But again, it's not just about wearing PJs, it's the wider picture of neglect that is seen when a child doesn't have them, coupled with the wider environment. I genuinely don't understand why some people can't understand the difference.

My DD will sometimes choose to go to bed in just a vest and pants, other times she will wear full on flannel pjs and other times she'll start off in pjs and end up just in her pants because she got hot in the night ... the key thing is that she has PJs available and she can choose whether or not to wear them.

Neglected children don't get that choice - if their parents don't buy them pjs then there are no pjs for them to wear, so they either sleep in their clothes or just in underwear. If the children don't have many clothes (and some will literally have a school uniform and possibly nothing else) then they have to choose whether to sleep in the clothes they may have already been wearing for days, or sleep in nothing and risk the cold because they also don't have adequate bedding.

So, by itself a child not wearing PJs to bed is not a red flag for neglect, but when coupled with other factors - knowledge that the child doesn't have PJs and/or regular access to clean clothes, knowledge that the child also doesn't have adequate bedding, knowledge that a child doesn't have a safe and regular place to sleep - builds the picture of neglect.

My friends child, whom she adopted after they were removed from their biological family due to neglect, came to her initially as a foster child. When they arrived they literally arrived wearing a ratty old t shirt and holey joggers, with a carrier bag containing their stained and worn out school uniform. When my friend said they would get rid of the clothes the child was absolutely distraught and had a huge melt down which shocked my friend as she didnt understand why they would want to keep those clothes. Eventually the child finally admitted that they didn't want to get rid of the other clothes because they needed their uniform for school and if they didn't have the ratty tshirt and joggers they wouldn't be able to wash their uniform every night so thr other kids wouldn't pick on them even more. It broke my friend's heart to see the fear and shame in the child's eyes and it upset her to think that this child was assuming that she was going to take the clothes and not replace them with fresh, clean ones (as she had intended) because they were so used to having nothing, and expecting nothing, from their caretaker.

Mine don't, they are young adults and decided (after we bought the house) to move in with us in university holidays rather than the other parent in each case ... they have a wardrobe to keep stuff in but they are in the guest rooms and when they aren't there they are used for guests

@TemptedToSleepInTheShed

Why aren’t people waiting until they can afford it until they have children these days.

My goodness: if your child doesn’t have her / his own bed: you are failing at something really, really basic. Grow up and step up please.

I have a friend who is waiting until she can afford it. She's 42. I'm not actually sure it's a great idea.

@TurnUpTurnip

On MN every child has their own room apparently yet most people I know in the real world their kids share.

When my kids were younger they slept in the same room even though they each had their own bedroom. The younger one didn't want to sleep alone and the older one went along with it ☺️

I slept in the same room as my mother until I was 14. Every child definitely needs their own space.

My younger 2 have always shared a room. At one point there was 3 of them in a room until my oldest moved out. It was fine, we were lucky enough that he was able to have a space of his own to do homework as we have a tiny little almost 6ft by nearly 3ft room that has a window where he had his own desk.

I can totally understand pp who have children with asd who they still share with as we thought at one point with ds4 we may have to do the same

However exh youngest still sleeps in the parents bedroom and he's almost 12, exh sleeps on the sofa and he sleeps in the room with mum (he's nt)

If that was me I'd be setting up a bed in the living room so he could have his own space now he's at secondary school. My d's hasn't stayed there since he was 6 as he was sleeping on his own downstairs on the sofa and was scared